Disentangling myself from Sam as gently as I could, I gazed down with sadness at her nude, beautiful body. She was smiling in her sleep; I’d let her have her happy dreams a little longer. A renewed sense of shame swept over me as I felt myself stiffen.
I stood under the water, hands flat against the wall of the shower, letting the cold water sluice down my body. I’d long since cleaned my body; there had been, thankfully, no blood, as I don’t think I could have dealt with that. Sam’s long hours training in aikido, with all of the attendant falls and throws, must have broken her hymen long ago. Small favors, I suppose.
But while my body was clean, I didn’t think my soul could ever be. I had to stop wallowing in the shower, trying to do penance under the freezing water. The only place I could go to find forgiveness was my sister, the one that I’d sworn to protect when we were children, not knowing she needed to be protected from me.
My sweatpants and t-shirt felt comforting in their familiarity, a bit of normalcy on a grotesquely surreal morning. I opened the bathroom door, but Sammy wasn’t in bed any longer. The bedroom door was open; I could smell bacon and hear happy, tuneless singing coming through it.
Sam wore a fresh t-shirt and underwear, dancing as she cooked, making little happy noises and switching randomly between songs. I watched her for a while; I just wanted to remember this moment. She seemed so happy. Did she not remember the night before? No, that couldn’t be it. Did she…
“Matty!” She saw me and smiled. “Come and sit down, big bro.” A wink and a laugh. “Really, really big bro!” But then she saw my trepidation. My little sister slowly approached me, concern etched on her face. “Matty?”
I couldn’t look at her. “Sam, I- God, sis–” My tears started to fall. “I’m sorry, Sammy, I’m so–”
She grabbed me in a bearhug, or at least as close to one as she could get, given our size disparity. “What? No! No, no, no! Matty, please! Don’t be sad! I’m so happy!” Sam squeezed me for all she was worth, trying to hold me together as I began to fall apart. She guided me toward the futon and sat beside me. “Matty, what’s wrong? Was… did I do something wrong?”
“What? No! God, Sammy, I…” I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t breathe. “How are you happy? I fucking molested you last night! I’m… Fuck, I’m a monster, Sam!”
She kissed me. I started to push her away, but she held on tight. Her eyes burned fiercely when she broke from the kiss. “No! No, you fucking didn’t. I wanted that! I wanted all of it. You don’t.” My little sister got so angry she started to spit. “You don’t get t…. I’m a grown fucking woman, Matt. If… if you didn’t like what we did, if, if I wasn’t what you wanted, fine, but…”
“What? No! God, Sammy, if you weren’t my sister…”
She kissed me again fiercely, asserting ownership. “I am your fucking sister. And I’m your sister that loved fucking you, got it?”
“Sam, we can’t…”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh God, spare me, Matt. We can. We did. If I have my way, we’re going to finish up breakfast, then we’re going back to bed and I’m going to show you how grateful… “ She kissed me again and sighed sadly. “How grateful I was– I am for last night. It was everything I’d hoped it would be. You were everything I hoped you’d be.”
“What?”
Her shoulders slumped. “Is this not what you wanted, too? Why did you touch me like that last night if you didn’t…” Her eyes grew moist with unshed tears.
“I… I thought you were Traci.” She looked crushed, but I continued on. “I drank a little bit too much, it was dark, and… and I forgot the last couple of weeks. There was a woman in my bed, and I smelled Traci’s perfume and…”
Her hand went over her mouth. “Oh no. No, no, no, no.”
“And then, when I realized it was you and turned the lights on, you were… you were so beautiful. And I wanted you so badly, I couldn’t… wouldn’t stop. I’m sorry, Sam, I was supposed to watch out for you and…” I felt sick. “And I didn’t. I took advantage of you.”
She froze for a moment. Then she started to laugh. It began as a little chuckle but quickly escalated to a full-on belly laugh, then an even bigger one as she saw the look of horror on my face. She wiped a tear away, saying, “Oh, Matty. Oh, bro. You… God, I love you so much. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for…” She shook her head and kissed me gently. “You didn’t take advantage of me, Matt. I took advantage of you.”
“What?! No, no, I…” Sammy kissed me again, more insistent this time.
“I did, Matty. I wanted everything that happened last night. I’ve wanted it for a long time. I planned for…” She sighed. “I’m hungry. Can we eat? You can listen to what a dumb, insensitive, manipulative cunt your sister is over breakfast, and then you can decide if you want to kick me out afterwards.”
She stood and took my hand. I could only follow along dumbly as she led me to the table and served eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee. I mechanically shoveled food into my mouth as she spoke.
“I love you, Matt. I always have. I know you think the fiancé thing is a joke, and it… Well, it is, but it’s also sort of not a joke. If… God, you’re such an amazing guy, Matty. You were always… you’ve always been just old enough to seem both almost attainable and out of my league. You never looked at the other girls my age, but we looked at you. All of us did, all of my friends. If you weren’t my brother, and I saw you at a bar here on campus, knowing what I know about how sweet and smart and kind you are? I’d throw myself at you. I think a lot of girls would if you weren’t so shy. You’ve got a real Clark Kent thing going on.
“But I’m not dumb. I knew that you couldn’t– that we couldn’t - actually be together. So I was happy to see you meeting other girls at college. I wanted you to be happy. But your taste in women, well…” She shrugged and took a sip of coffee. “And at the same time, I could never find a guy that measured up. I tried all of junior and senior year. They might have been out there, but, like I said, part of why I would have thrown myself at you is because I do know how good of a guy you are. I just never wanted to go around kissing frogs, you know?
“So I…” She chuckled ruefully. “God, so dumb… So I treated it like a thought experiment for the last year or so. You know how some people will try to figure out ‘What would I do if I won the lottery’ or ‘How would I survive a zombie apocalypse?’ Well, mine was ‘How can I seduce and marry my brother?’ And it would have stayed just a thought experiment, but…” She looked away, a brief flicker of shame on her face.
When I finished the mouthful of eggs I was chewing, she hadn’t yet continued. “Buuut?”
“But like three or four things happened at once. I went to homecoming with a guy, a nice guy. Not a bad kisser. But he wasn’t you. Wasn’t anywhere near you. I figured I’d just have to wait until I got to college and then try to find someone a little more mature. Not a big deal by itself.
“And then you came home for Thanksgiving. Brought Traci to meet the family. I couldn’t stand her; I tried to hide it, but I think you could tell.” I nodded. She was not at all subtle about it. “I don’t know if I somehow knew that she was bad news then, but I do know that… that I was jealous. Jealous that she was with you. I tried really hard not to think about that, just convinced myself it was a mix of my little thought experiment and wanting someone as good as you for myself.”
She looked to one side. “But, uh, I also… “ Sam’s expression perfectly matched the one she had when I caught her sneaking a smoke behind the middle school in eighth grade. “Promise you won’t be mad?”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “Just tell me what you did.”
“Sooo, I was trying to figure out what to get you for Christmas, and I kind of looked at your laptop.” Oh shit. “I went into your browser, trying to find something and typed in ‘A-M-A-Z,’ when what did I find?” Her expression had changed to the one she had when she caught me sneaking one of dad’s beers. “Why, I believe it was ‘Petite blonde stepsister with AMAZing tits gets railed by stepbro.’ A lot more like that, too. I definitely saw a theme there: a petite blonde stepsister with long hair and a muscular stepbrother with dark hair in pretty much every video.” It was my turn to look away now.
I felt her hand on my chin, pulling my gaze back to hers. She spoke softly. “Hey, Matt. I’m not trying to make you feel embarrassed. I wasn’t trying to snoop, I promise. And…” She bit her lip. “I, ah, I had a bunch of the same URLs saved off to an innocuous little text file. But just a tip? Incognito mode, bro. You should know better.”
“I know, I know. But I finally have my own place, and I didn’t think about other people ‘borrowing’ my laptop.”
Her breathing was just a little shallower now. “When I found out that… that we both had the same, ah, interests? God, Matty. I had tried to only think of my thought experiment as just that, but I couldn’t keep you out of my head when I was having some alone time.” She licked her lips. “Are you gonna try and tell me I didn’t show up in a few of your masturbation fantasies? It was just a bit of harmless fun, right?”
I reluctantly nodded. “Yeah. I, um… Last night, it was like a dream come true. I had hoped that was all it was when I woke up, but…”
Her tone turned sharp. “I didn’t. It was the single best night of my life. The only thing I regret was that I hurt you because…” She shook her head again. “I’ll get to that.
“So that was the stage set. I was jealous, I was horny, I knew you had the same set of fantasies, and I hated your girlfriend. When I heard she broke up with you, I made my excuses to Mom and Dad. I came here with one purpose in mind, and it sure as hell wasn’t touring the campus.
“But I didn’t account for… Matty, I didn’t mean for us to end up there last night. I had planned to… God, I’m going to sound like such a bitch.” After a deep breath, she continued. “I wanted to seduce you. But, like, slowly. I was already one hundred percent on board; I mean, after last night, I think that’s pretty clear. But I wanted to ease you into it. If you were a hard ‘no,’ I wanted us to both have a chance to not… Well, to avoid any kind of hard feelings.”
The tears in her eyes started to spill down her cheeks. “But I fucked that up. I fucked up so bad, Matty, and I’m sorry. I was… I hadn’t even planned to be in the bed with you last night, but you passed out, and you were so handsome. So cute looking, all sleepy like that. So I crawled in with you and pulled you over to spoon with me. I didn’t…”
She snorted, furiously wiping her face with the back of her hand. “Traci was a stupid bitch, but she had good taste in perfume. I didn’t even think about that. And then you were touching me, and I didn’t know that you thought I was her, and we were full steam ahead. And I… and I…”
Sammy started to cry in earnest. “Please, Matty. I love you so much. Please tell me I didn’t lose my big bro. I can…if we can’t be more, if… last night was perfect, everything I’ve ever wanted. But I… I can’t, it’s not worth losing you over. Please, please, Matty, tell me I didn’t…” My little sister’s words got lost in her sobs.
I pulled her in close. “No, sis, no. I love you. I feel so close to you now. I… Maybe it was wrong, but knowing you wanted it, knowing… Fuck, Sammy. I fucking loved it. All of it. I’ve never…” I chuckled. “I know you don’t have a basis for comparison, but it was the best sex I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more loved, more connected to someone than I did with you last night.”
She sniffled. “Really?”
I tilted her face towards mine. “Really.” Her beautiful blue eyes searched mine, and she leaned up. We kissed, the same type of soft, passionate kiss we’d shared last night, and I knew then there was no way we could let this go. It might be wrong, but we’d figure out a way to make it work.
We broke the kiss, and she stroked my cheek. “God, Matty, is this really happening?” I kissed her again in answer, just a little quick peck on the lips. She sighed happily. “I’m…Matt, I want to…” She laughed. “Are we going to leave your apartment at all for the rest of my trip?”
“I mean, I don’t have much in the fridge, so we at least need to go to the store. Speaking of, I think our food’s getting cold.” I stood up and pulled her with me. “Let’s finish breakfast. Then we can figure out… Hell, we’ve got a lot of things to figure out. But let’s start there.”
Our mood lifted significantly. We joked and laughed together as we ate, teasing each other. It felt familiar, but also subtly different. Intimate, instead of just close. We planned out our day; as much as I wanted to keep her there and keep exploring the changes to our relationship, I did actually need to take her around to see the campus. Mom and Dad would have questions for her.
She showered. I considered joining her, but I knew that if I did that, we wouldn’t see the outside that day. Still, while she was toweling off, I did take the opportunity to tease her, trailing my calloused hands up and down her sides and kissing at her neck. She begged me to continue, but I slapped her ass instead. “Good incentive for you today, don’t you think? We get our errands done, get a good look at the campus, and come back here for a nice, early dinner.” She stuck her tongue out at me, and I surprised her by kissing her and taking it into my mouth, sucking gently at it. I fled the bathroom to the sound of a snapping towel.
I had an ulterior motive for getting us out of the apartment, beyond providing cover for Sam with Mom and Dad, and beyond getting groceries so that we could spend as much time in whatever shared depravity we chose. We needed to make sure that this new normal really could at least look outwardly normal. We might be going back to my apartment to fuck each other's brains out later, but we had to keep up the pretense of being just brother and sister when we were out in public.
We did pretty well, I thought. I didn’t tell Sam my concerns, but she’d been thinking about this as a possibility a lot longer than I had. We held hands some, hugged some, might have stood just a touch closer than before; but none of it was beyond the pale. None of it was something a bystander would see as anything more than a close brother and sister spending time together. When we had talked that morning, I wanted it to work. Now I began to see the ways that it could work.
Instead of cooking, I grabbed takeout from a little Chinese place near my apartment. We sat and talked together, trying to figure things out. She asked, “So… Like, what are we now?”
“How do you mean?”
She laughed. “It’s a pretty simple question, bro. We’re…” She laughed. “I think we both know what’s going to happen when we’re done eating. And when we’re out in public, we’re just brother and sister. But what are we right now?”
I cocked my head to one side. “What do you see happening after this week? Is this… Is this just a thing we’re going to do, a wild time we’re going to have, then this goes back up on the shelf?”
Sam looked at me like I’d grown another head. “No! Is that what you want?”
My hand went over hers. “No, not at all. But…” I sighed. “Last night, when we were making lov….” She smiled a broad, dreamy smile. “You said that you wanted me to be your first. Did you mean just your first? Like, was that all you wanted, someone you trusted to make sure your first time was good? Or did you mean…”
She brought my hand to her lips. “First and only, Matty. I don’t know if that’s…” She sighed. “As much as I looked for a solution, the best I can be for you, even sort of legally, is ‘fiancée.’ We can’t ever get married, really married. There’s no nation on earth that would allow it. And I don’t want to...
