Dear Sir or Madam (though likely Sir),

I am writing this letter to the management of Fuckboi Productz, a subsidiary of Thrust Inc, a subsidiary of Nasty Players, a subsidiary of Gran’s Old Fashioned Homeopathy.

Hello, my name is Tonya [redacted] and I am contacting you with demands for compensation for the damages and distress caused by the use of your product, ‘Whoremungandr’s Sexual Enhancement Supplement’. As counterintuitive as it may be, I will offer my compliments at some cracking wordplay. That was simply a phenomenal take on the spelling of the world serpent.

I will preface my next statement by saying my fiancée is kind and quite an attractive man. However, he is quite remedial in most mental faculties and I feel as though the branding and packaging were specifically designed to attract poor sweet lambs such as him and extract my hard-earned money from his pocket. As he returned from picking up our take-out Chinese dinner he stopped by ‘Lucky Lucile’s Gas Emporium’ to top off the car. It was here, by the register that your devilishly efficient tactics went to work.

As I said before, Chaz is quite easily led by suggestion. The metal-clad serpent shooting lightning from his mouth, coupled of course with the picture of a woman’s mouth biting her lip, was designed to stimulate a male power fantasy. The blatantly phallic imagery created the desire in my partner to transform his cock, which I was perfectly happy with, into some sort of writhing hard snake of pleasure.

Further, the deceptive claims are, in my mind, not scientifically provable. When one claims they can ‘make her orgasm 10x more powerful’ I feel like you lack actual data to back this up. For one, what unit of measurement is used to rate an orgasm’s power? Secondly, the claim of ‘erections lasting all night’ is simply unsafe if true. Four-hour-long erections should prompt a call to a doctor, an eight-hour one is simply medically negligent to try and evoke.

For this reason alone, I would request a refund of $8.54. This includes the postage to send this letter. This is not where the problems end, and I have further claims to make.

Now my sweet, beautiful simpleton informed me that he had a surprise for me I had hoped it was something along the line of flowers. Instead, it was your dick pills. Pills that he, unfortunately, jammed down his gullet before I could voice concern. After doing so I began to read through the list of ingredients that I believe you have entirely fabricated.

There are at least three species on this list that are found in myth alone. I don’t know what you are using to simulate ‘chimera fang’ but I doubt it’s approved by the FDA. The claims of powdered dodo testicles are equally unbelievable and horrifying. Normally I wouldn’t think much about the ‘all organic ginseng but frankly, the other items on the list have created a cloud of doubt around even this.

At this point as I began to consume my now-tepid wontons. For his part, Chaz kept insisting that ‘he could feel it working’ and that he was ‘too fucking hard to eat’. This simultaneously ruined the potential of having a nice meal or cunnilingus. As such on the itemized bill you find $23.18 for the meal and $120.00 for the oral. The price was determined by the cost of a lower-end male escort in my area according to my local Craigslist.

With my meal ruined, I held out a small hope that I could still have a fun evening. Maybe if he just popped a placebo I would soon enjoy a rousing array of confidence-induced humping and grinding. Then Chaz began to complain of the itching. Then came the prickling. Then the burning.

We removed his pants. There was no rock-hard, eight-hour, orgasm-blasting erection. Instead, my wonderful little plaything was flaccid, purple, and quivering like a cold chihuahua. Chaz fainted on the spot. He knocked the custom table lamp off the table, shattering it. The $97.79 proof of value is, of course, included. I also expect to be compensated for the emotional damage of seeing that wonderful red cock being turned into a purple chode of terror. $1,000 is a small price to pay for the hesitance I will have for the foreseeable future whenever I look toward his dick.

I wanted to drive him to the hospital but was unable to move him under my small frame. Thus I had to call an ambulance. The $4,657.20 cost of the service is yours to pay. I too believe it to be an exuberant cost, but take that up with the federal government’s denial of universal health care. There is also blood tests ($497), skin tests ($688), emergency care ($3,426), and a shot of cortisone ($77).

In the end, we found that Whoremungandr contains an overabundant presence of a toxic slug normally found in the wetlands of Australia. I’m not sure if Chaz was more susceptible than most or if he simply was the first buyer, but I would suggest taking this product out of any gas stations it may still reside. I’m sure that Fuckboi Productz would hate to be associated with bad press and low customer satisfaction.

Finally, I must add the final cost of $4,000. This is just the base payout I’ve established for any time someone’s dick pills almost make my man’s cock fall off. That brings the final tally of my claims to $14,594.71. Please remit payment in no less than 30 business days. Should I not receive payment my law firm will fuck your company harder than I was being fucked before you made my boyfriend’s dick fall off with your slug poison.

-Sincerely,

Tonya [redacted]