June 29th, 2010

JAY

I don’t know what the fuck I was doing back here. Virginia was the last place I ever wanted travel to, yet here I was, back in its clutches. I felt like a prisoner here as soon as I crossed the state border. Those trees were like jaws closing in on me. The closer I got to that house, the more claustrophobic I became.

Mom always invited me to the house during the holidays, but I didn’t want to be anywhere near that sick fuck. This summer was different, though. It was our ten-year family reunion and my bastard father was diagnosed with lung cancer. The only reason why I had returned was for my sister. I wasn’t planning to stay the whole weekend, and I sure as hell wasn’t staying in that God forsaken house.

My parents lived on a large property near the countryside. The house was an old colonial home and the land looked beautiful from an aerial perspective. But no one knew about the horrors that took place beyond that “welcoming” red door; only those silent walls, decaying from the inside.

Someone I knew had died in my bedroom. I saw his ghostly face materialize near the upstairs window when I pulled up and parked in the gravel driveway… my ten-year-old twin: me.

“You made it!”

My mother gathered her lime green skirt, careful not to trip as she came down the steps to greet me.

“Look at you!” She beamed. “More handsome than ever!” Her hazel eyes looked tired, and her face was thinner than the last time we saw each other. She smelled like apple pie.

“Has the big city made you forget all about your small-town mother?” She hugged me long and hard before she pulled away to check out my ride. “You must have spent a fortune!”

“It’s the company car.”

The air was humid, and I wanted to change out of my shirt. “Where is everybody?” I asked.

“Uncle Nate and Aunt Rowen are inside—the kids are out back playing on the trampoline. Your cousins are here as well!”

“All of them?”

“Yes, except for Sara. She went into labor this morning and Dylan drove her to the hospital. They’ve got a healthy baby boy now!” Mom cupped my face and said, “When are you going to make me a proud grandmother?”

Never. I couldn’t imagine myself as a father.

I changed the subject and asked, “Where’s Savannah?”

“She’s baking cupcakes in the kitchen. Drop in and say hi. She’s been missing her big brother.”

I had a baby sister who was only three years younger than me. We used to be close, but ever since I moved out at eighteen, we lost touch, and that was entirely my fault.

The screen door opened with a creek as I stepped inside the old home. This place was still familiar to me. Nothing had changed; not the antique furniture, not the dark wooden floorboards, or the yellow Victorian wallpaper. There wasn’t a single thing that was out of place. Everything was still as it were, as if I had jumped back in time and was reliving my own personal hell. Something twisted and churned inside of me. All I could feel was the strongest urge to demolish everything in sight, break every picture frame, tear into the upholstered sofas, and scream at the top of my lungs like a madman, if only to feel a sense of peace.

“Jay!”

I whipped my head around and was immediately welcomed with an unexpected hug. “Savannah…”

We embraced briefly, and when she pulled back, she slapped me across the face. “Hey! What the—”

“That’s for moving out without telling me!”

SLAP!

“And that’s for staying away for so long!”

SLAP!

“And that’s for being an asshole and not checking on your only sister!”

She was about to hit me again but I dodged her hand.

“Okay! Jeez!” I caught her wrist. “Calm your tits, woman. I get it!”

Savannah pursed her glossy lips and yanked her wrist free before folding her arms in her chest. “I’m so incredibly pissed off at you!” she fumed. “But right now… I’m just so fucking happy that you’re here, it’s hard to stay angry.” Tears filled her emerald eyes as she rushed into my chest and hugged me again. “I missed you so much! How could you stay away for so long?”

Something felt constricted in my throat as I stroked her strawberry blonde hair. Savannah clung to me like a baby koala hugging a tree. I was always the one who chased away the monsters under her bed, made the boogeyman disappear from her closet, beat the shit out of anyone who bullied her. My sister looked up to me, and I had left her because I couldn’t survive under his roof anymore. It wasn’t safe for me, but it was safe for her. He always left her alone. He was a cocksucker. That’s all he was.

When I was sixteen, our next door neighbor, Harold Benson (a widower) had asked me if I could help him out with some yard work in the afternoon. I liked the guy. I’d gone to school with his son and we were good friends, so I had agreed to lend a hand. He’d been setting up a tree house for his kids. Once we finished for the day, he passed me a cold brew and asked me to stay a while. I didn’t have anything else to do—and to be honest, I’d been relieved that I wouldn’t have to go home any time soon. So we sat on his front porch and watched the sun go down. Mr. Benson told me something that night: a secret. I couldn’t believe it at first, but I’d left his house without breathing a word.

When I had arrived home, I looked at Savannah and suddenly realized that the truth was right there in front of me. All I’d had to do was confront mom, and when I did, she had cried. She didn’t deny it. But she’d made me promise not to tell dad. Mom and Mr. Benson had been sleeping together when she first moved into the house with my father. I was only a year old then. When she got pregnant with Savannah, Mr. Benson was sure he was the father because mom had told him that she had stopped sleeping with her husband.

I think I was happy that Savannah wasn’t biologically related to our scum of a father. Her genes weren’t corrupted like mine. She and I were only half siblings. Not that it mattered to me or made a difference. I loved her, regardless.

“Come on!” She pulled me out of the past and into the kitchen. “I’ve made all your favorites!”

My sister grabbed a chocolate cupcake and stuffed it into my mouth.

“Whoa! Easy!” I chuckled, chewing on the home baked sweet.

“Like it?”

I shook my head, screwing up my face in disgust while saying, “I love it.”

Savannah didn’t look amused as she said, “You’d have to have the most warped taste buds if you actually thought my baking was gross.”

“I’m your big brother. I’m supposed to annoy the fuck out of you.” I scarfed down the rest of that delicious cupcake and kissed her cheek.

“Ew! Wipe your mouth first! You ruined my MAC foundation!”

“Don’t be such a drama queen. Who have you invited over that you need to impress?”

“No one important…”

There was a carton of milk on the counter, reminding me that I was thirsty. “Do you want a glass?” I asked her.

“No, I’ve recently quit drinking milk. Makes me want to puke.”

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” I teased.

She smacked my arm. “Not cool! Do I look like I’m preggerz? I might not be in flawless shape like you, but—”

“Hey, relax. I’m kidding! You look great.”

Savannah paused and stared at me with suspicion in her eyes. “Well… thank you—for noticing.” She ran her fingers through her silky locks and added, “As a matter of fact, I’ve dropped at least fifteen pounds in the past two months.”

“You don’t need to drop another pound,” I reassured her.

“Dad says I’m fat.”

“Dad needs to look in the mirror.”

She giggled and threw a gummy worm at me. “Savannah, don’t start. You know how these food fights will end between us.” But she ignored my warning and tossed a green one over, and then a red, and then a handful. “Oh, you are so in for it!” I grabbed the cup of flour and grinned.

“No! Not the flour, not the—”

It was too late. I had powdered her face and hair with that stuff.

“Ugh! I so hate you for that!” Savannah reached for the carton of milk and splashed it on my face. She stood still for a moment, seemingly worried at how I’d react. And then she started cracking up, saying, “Pay back’s a bitch!”

“I’m not done yet.” I opened the fridge and started throwing eggs at her while she screamed and tried to shield herself from the yolk grenades.

“Jay!” She screamed. “Stop!”

I wasn’t planning on stopping, but our shenanigans came to an end as soon as our mother entered the kitchen.

“What the hell is going on in here?”

My sister and I slowly turned our heads. Mom looked perplexed. The kitchen was a disaster, and it all happened in such a short time.

“Um…” Savannah began, “Jay started it!”

“What?” I laughed. “You little liar! Have you forgotten who threw the gummy worms?”

Mom shook her head at us and said, “You are both in your twenties, yet you act like primary children! Your little cousins are better behaved than you two!”

“Ma, relax,” I stated. “We’ll clean it up.”

She reached for a mop and started tidying our mess.

“Mom,” I persisted. “Drop the mop.”

“Go get changed,” she instructed. “Savannah is a bad influence. You’ve only returned for just a minute and she’s already getting you in trouble. You’re lucky your father’s not in here to see this. You know he hates messes!”

“We were just having a friendly food fight,” Savannah defended.

Our mother had a bad case of stress cleaning. She would spend hours tidying whatever she could until everything was spick and span. Whenever she would shower, she would have to scrub down the bathtub and bathroom first before getting cleaned up. Her OCD was something she still battled with. Telling her to leave the mess alone was just pointless. Even if Savannah and I had cleaned on our own, she would have spent a good hour at least re-mopping and wiping.

“Go on!” Mom demanded. “Get changed. We’re starting the barbeque soon.” She looked at me. “Say hello to your father. He’s expecting you out back.”

“Not interested.” I took off my shirt and turned around.

“Jay Dominic Conway—”

“Mom!” Savannah hissed. “Quit pestering him! Do you really want him to leave again? You know he and Dad don’t get along!”

“It’s time to bury the hatchet,” she reasoned.

“It’s time to just respect his feelings, for Christ’s sake!” Savannah’s heels clicked behind me as she reached for my arm. “Jay, wait. Please don’t leave.” Her voice trembled with… was it fear? That’s what it sounded like. I was sure of it because when I faced her, there was something swirling in those emeralds, something that absolutely gutted me. I couldn’t identify what she was trying to communicate, but maybe I didn’t have to. Maybe all I had to do… was stay.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, offering a smile.

“Good.” She sighed. “I won’t have to cuff you.” My sister walked past me and started up the stairs.

I followed closely behind, saying, “Cuffs? Since when did you get so kinky?”

She scoffed, as I imagined an irritated eye roll.

“By the way,” she said. “I won the food fight.”

“You may have won the battle, little sis. But I’ll win the war.”

Savannah snickered under her breath and disappeared into one of the bedrooms.

The hallway felt like it was closing in on me as I stood there, unmoving. If I listened closely, I was able to hear the sounds… everything that disturbed me; noises I never wanted to hear again.

I made my way back down the stairs and out of the house. I needed air and I remembered that my luggage was still in the car—couldn’t change if I didn’t have a fresh shirt.

||||||||||

The sky was an opulent orange that evening as I leisurely strolled through my family’s apple orchard. Music echoed faintly behind me while I walked through a tunnel of trees that majestically arched over me, mapping the way to the Garden of Eden; such was the illusion.

A flock of birds flew across the sky and all I could feel was envy, because all my life, all I ever desired was freedom. My body was a prison. I wanted to be something more than what I really was. I wanted to fly and abandon the world, but these endeavors only existed in my dreams, which rarely ever manifested when I’d close my eyes. My life was full of nightmares.

Cicadas kept singing while crickets chirped and joined in. I paused for a moment and plucked a plump red apple from a tree. As tempting as it was to take a bite, all I could think about was how everything on my father’s land was poisoned completely to the core. This place was no heavenly garden. The earth beneath my feet was toxic; the soil, corrupt—and yet… this inviting apple orchard had the ability to beguile any stranger to fall for its charm.  

I tossed the apple over my shoulder, thrust my hands in my pockets and kept walking. I liked being on my own. I had adapted to loneliness. In fact, I welcomed the isolation, as if it were a codependent lover that needed me. I walked deeper into the orchard while bitter sweet memories of my youth appeared before my eyes like apparitions … Savannah’s laughter … bubbles floating and bursting against my skin … the scent of summer …

“Jay?”

I froze in place, slowly turning around.

“Ellie… what are you doing here?”

“Your mother told me you were coming home, so she invited me over.” Her coy little smile seemed to be hiding something as she walked toward me.

Ellie was beautiful. She had model height, thin framed, hazel eyes, and long blonde locks. She had been in love with me ever since the fourth grade and had loved me through high school. Our first kiss was in this very apple orchard; we were only fifteen then. I think that kiss had changed Ellie’s life. I seemed to have ruined her forever because I believed that she was still in love with me.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d be back in town?”

She looked beautiful in her coral sundress, but I quickly forced my gaze back on her face before it became too obvious that I was checking her out.

“Are you not going to give me a hug?” she asked. “Come here!” Ellie grinned, wrapping her arms around my neck.

This was familiar. Too familiar. I hugged her close and tried to push away the memory of all the places she had touched and kissed on my body. I seemed to have overwhelmed her as her eyes brimmed with tears when she looked at me.

“You look good,” I said, cupping her face.

“Just good?”

“You look amazing, as always.”

She smiled modestly and kissed my cheek. “I missed you.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been a bad friend to everyone.”

We started down the path together, catching up on our latest life events.   

“Your mother told me about what happened inside,” she said.

“I lost my temper.”

“Jay, what’s going on with you and your dad? You’ve hated him all your life. Why?”

I gave nothing away and maintained a perfect poker face as I looked out at the sunset.

“Why did you attack him?” 

“I don’t know,” I bitterly replied. “Consider it years’ worth of pent-up rage. I sort of exploded.” I exhaled my frustration while clenching my fist. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to come back.”

 “Don’t get worked up,” she began. “He’s going to be fine. It’s just a bloodied nose.”

I laced my tone with resentment and said, “That’s too bad,”

She glanced at the haunted man who walked beside her. If only I could have broken the spell and freed this poor girl from the curse that I was. Her eyes always seemed to light up every time I looked at her.  

I’m burning down…

Fireflies floated around us as dusk approached. The fiery colors of the setting sun would soon melt into a star studded sky. Ellie took a risk and bravely slipped her hand into mine. I gave it a gentle squeeze, hoping to offer some comfort.  

As we continued walking, I looked at her and asked, “How come you’re not married yet?”

“I don’t know. I’m so busy running Dad’s business with the restaurant, I hardly have any time to date.”

“You should follow your dreams, Ell. You always put everyone first, except yourself.”

“An eternal flaw I guess,” she sighed.

It took me a while to respond, but I finally said, “Your prince charming will find you one day. I can’t imagine you as an old maid.”

“I don’t want Prince Charming.” Ellie stopped and touched my chest. “I want you.”

I looked into her eyes and frowned, saying, “I’m toxic for you.”

“You’re not, though.”

“You broke up with me, remember?” I slowly moved her hand away. “I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I cheated on you.”

She shook her head as if in denial, not wanting to recall the painful recollection. “I was too clingy,” said Ellie. “I didn’t give you enough space. I should have—”

“Stop. Please don’t make excuses for me. I didn’t deserve you then, and I still don’t. Nothing’s changed.” I started walking again while she stood there, seemingly processing what I’d said.

Hearing the ugly truth must have hurt her. Was she that desperate to have any part of me that she could? So much time had passed, and now that I was finally here, was she reconsidering trying again with me?

She caught up to me and grabbed my arm. “Jay, I’m not asking for a second try at a relationship.”

“Then what do you want?” That sounded a little too hostile, but I tried my best to dampen the intensity in my eyes.

“I… I just…” A tear fell down her cheek, and the next thing I knew, I pulled her into my arms and kissed her like she had never been kissed before.

Everything came rushing back, like a big. Fucking. Tidal wave.

*****

Music in chapter: 

Vancouver Sleep Clinic-Stakes