We had just lain down in bed when my mind wandered through the evening. Marcus and I had gone to dinner with both of our families, not a new event; but something that has been happening a lot in the last few months. It still amazes me that our families get along and seemed to have genuine bonds. They even worked together to surprise me and help Marcus propose quite romantically.
The proposal wasn’t unexpected, since we’ve been together for three years, it was that everyone else knew he was going to ‘pop the question’ except me. It was a happy surprise at the time, but now that the shock has worn off I’m nervous, concerned and terrified.
The ring felt strange on my finger and I could not stop playing with it all evening and even now. It’s a beautiful ring and I see my sister's influence in the style and I find that endearing; it’s the proposal that frightens me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about spending the rest of my life with him, but I’m still scared that history will repeat itself. You see I’ve had a ring on that finger before and didn’t get the band that matched.
“Marcus are you sure about this?” I asked lifting my hand and moving the ring to put the stone in the center.
“Are you having second thoughts already?” he said with a smile and slight laugh.
“Well, I told you I was engaged before, but I didn’t tell you the whole story.”
“I didn’t think I heard all of it and I didn’t want to pry into something that clearly is painful; but you know you can tell me anything or not tell me and I’ll be fine too,” he said taking my hand and kissing the finger that held his ring.
I took a deep breath, sat up, turned to face him and sat cross-legged. Looking down at the ring I placed my hands in my lap, covering the ring before looking at him. He was propped up on his side with his arm under his head looking at me. His hand rested on the bed close to my knee, but not touching.
At six-foot-four Marcus would’ve made Jorden feel small even at his five-foot-ten and they both made me feel tiny. Believe me, I’ve compared them before, but right now their similarities and differences are at the forefront of my mind. Marcus has the tanned, toned look of an Olympian god, but not so over the top to turn your stomach. He works out to stay in shape not to be ‘Arnold.’
Jorden was built like a soldier, purposeful muscle; but he was like me and couldn’t get a tan out of a bottle. Now the best part of both is their eyes. Jorden had those brilliantly bright blue eyes that remind you of a slowing flowing stream that lets you see every pebble and each fish swimming by and then you have the pale green eyes that matched the changing leaves of autumn for Marcus. They both had me hooked at first sight.
“I think I need to tell you, but this might take me some time to tell,” I said keeping my eyes from his.
“Take all the time you need. I love you and know you well enough to see this is painful for you.”
“I love you, Marcus, you know this, but a large part of my heart belongs to Jorden,” I said slowly still averting my eyes from his. “He taught me what love really is and that there are few obstacles you can’t overtake when you are in true love. He... no we, learned a lot from each other,” I looked up at Marcus and he smiled at me.
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves letting it out slowly. As I closed my eyes I could still see the green of his eyes, his hair, and his smile before the image began to change. I held back my welling tears as green eyes became blue, hair lightened to dirty blonde and skin paled as Marcus became Jorden. I took a deep breath and began my story.
“Jorden and I were both in the Army and in the same training classes. He was a class ahead, but we still knew each other,” I started.
“Our first conversation was about the training course and that I was failing the first class. He was asked to help me study,” I smiled remembering about how difficult it was to concentrate with him teaching me and could see the common room with the rough carpeting, stark white walls, old couches and even older television.
~~~
“I’m never going to get this,” I said as I put my head on the table in defeat.
“You’ll get it, I promise,” he said shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me.
I glared at him and said, “Are you making fun of me?”
He laughed and my glare slowly changed into a smile. After that, we were near inseparable, when we were not on duty. For months we talked about everything and fell madly in love.
~~~
“You see, Marcus, this was the first time I fell in love with anyone,” I said remembering I was seeing the past.
Marcus was listening intently and watching me completely when he said, “I know how you feel.”
His smile gave me the confidence to continue. So with another deep breath, I resumed my story giving Marcus every detail and all my emotions.
“Jorden and I were there for over a year training and since we met within the first month we were together for what seemed like an eternity. We spent weekends traveling around the area, staying in hotels or just being away from the post,” I said before closing my eyes.
“Jorden proposed a month before his graduation, for lack of a better term, from the training. He already had his orders for Fort Meade and I knew that mine were for Fort Drum. We’d be separated, but he still proposed and I said yes. It was that night that the biggest question I had about him was answered.
"You see, Marcus, before that night we may have stayed in hotels and traveled just the two of us, but we never made love. I didn’t know why. It was just the way things were between us, but that all changed the night he proposed,” I said dropping my gaze to my lap.
“He wasn’t your first because we’ve had that conversation and you didn’t mention him at all during that conversation,” Marcus said during my pause with a look of confusion and concern.
“I know. I didn’t what to talk about him then and I was never planning on talking about him ever,” I said turning my eyes to his.
I could see that this hurt him a little, but that was something to discuss later. If I was to tell him about Jorden it was all or never. I took another deep breath, steeled myself and began to remember all the details of that night that I kept so tightly sealed away.
I closed my eyes again, so I didn’t have to see Marcus’s face, and I was back with Jorden. The rush of sorrow, pain and loss almost stopped me, but Marcus took my hand and said, “You can do this, I will love you no matter what you tell me,” and with that statement, I began to remember it all.
~~~
The hotel room was small and horribly decorated. The brown paneling was a holdover from the nineties, but the place was cheap and cheap is good for two soldiers. At least the bed was always made and the sheets were clean. We had stayed here so many times that the owner knew us by name and usually gave us the best discount he could.
I felt a pang of longing to walk into that room again. Then the ‘movie’ began and I saw Jorden and myself and heard me speaking, explaining all the details to Marcus as I watched.
“I love you,” I heard Jorden say, “and I want you to be with me all my life. Please marry me.”
I watched myself tear up then, but didn’t feel any real tears now. I knew what was coming and that it would be one of the hardest nights of my life.
“Only if you answer something for me,” I watched myself say and saw the worry in his face. “Why won’t you touch me or even try to make out with me?”
I began to hear Jorden’s voice waver as he began to explain that he had only been with one person once and was nervous about trying again. His first time was horrible and uncomfortable for him. He didn’t understand the joy people got from sex. As I explained Jorden’s confession I felt guilty that I was telling someone else what he had told me in confidence, but under the circumstances, Jorden would probably not mind.
I could still feel my confused nerves when Jorden told me that he was not interested in sex and I could still feel how much I desired him. All the times we had stayed in hotels and slept in the same bed and I had longed to be with him came flooding to the forefront of my mind.
“Jorden,” I interrupted unable to hold back and said, “I love you and I want to be with you. I’m sorry that it was that bad for you, but it hasn’t been for me.” I looked down before continuing, “Let me show you what I know.”
I rubbed my eyes and began to describe how I encouraged Jorden to let down his guard and try to heal his wounds. As I spoke I was in that hotel room with Jorden feeling his presence and his touch. Losing myself in the telling it all rushed back to me.
