It is a cracking little feature. Answers a lot of the little puzzling questions I had.

This is defo the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thank you Pixie and thank you to the idiot who tried this, but better still saw fit to relate the story! faf

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Wow, may try that myself, my own way!

Freshly Cut Ginger in my Ass.
Then a little piece rubbed against my clit.
By the time, I reach for my battery friend, I am so lubricated, I need a sponge!

I've received loads from the wife but the sexiest texts I've had are the series of texts that I relate to in my story. How the hell I managed to remain at my desk I don't know. had to walk through the office with a stalk on to the loo for a wank, pretty much as described. Have received a series of e-mails from someone I know on here and that was made all the more erotic with a few pictures attached. They fill in the blanks that your imagination can't.

My story takes place in work, but I guess like many of the men on this site you can add multiple wanks

It had been a long cold winter and a slow climb in temperatures through spring to this late warm spell in May, my favourite month. Trees were still in mid leaf, Cherry blossom brightened the avenues of trees in parks and along streets. Spring bulbs were coming to the end of their flowering and being overtaken by the promise of the heady scent of roses as June neared and they pushed their...

Added 04 Apr 2013 | Category Voyeur | Votes 16 | Avg Score 4.81 | Views 3,374 | 7 Comments

Angie, this is for you should you still be reading on Lush as a guest. There’s ways of staying in touch should you want to. Big love to you. Remembering your long smooth limbs And tender olive hues of skin Your looks demure with hazel eyes The hands that rested on your thighs No shyness, you didn’t look to hide Your naked form displayed with pride A figure proud...

Added 12 Mar 2013 | Category Love Poems | Votes 3 | Avg Score 5 | Views 428 | 4 Comments

I’d met Kelly some six weeks previously on a cross functional meeting which I’d organised and invited her along to as a field supervisor. She was one of a number of supervisors from each of four regions who’d been forwarding me the gripes of field based staff about their counterparts in the ops room, so being new and somewhat more dynamic than the time served managers I decided on a meeting...

Added 03 Nov 2012 | Category Masturbation | Votes 8 | Avg Score 4.88 | Views 1,672 | 6 Comments