15 Apr 2014 03:39
Several days ago as I left a meeting, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
I've been scolded for leaving the keys in the ignition. My son has reminded me a million times...
"Don't leave your keys in the ignition. Times have changed."
My theory for years has been to leave them in the ignition. It's the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty..
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all,
"Son, " I stammered; ( I always call him "son" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
13 Mar 2014 19:02
08 Feb 2014 16:21
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive and abusive manner, says to her chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
12 Jan 2014 08:03
A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic
Husband says: Sukitak. . .
Wife replies: Kowanini . . .
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! . . .
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! . . .
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji! . . .
And YOU just sit there, reading this shit as if you understand Japanese!
17 Dec 2013 15:45
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat,
wires monitoring every function & all around my head,
hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
I managed to mumble in reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then." ?
18 Nov 2013 04:24
Today I was beaten up by a woman. I was in the elevator when a busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards!
05 Nov 2013 11:16
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
-- I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
04 Nov 2013 07:12
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...
So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When the angel returned she went to God and said,
'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'
God was not pleased.
So HE decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
16 Oct 2013 05:04
Two Irish nuns have just
arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in
this country actually eat
"Odd," her companion
replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we
might as well do as the
As they sit, they hear a
push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog
"Two dogs, please!," says
one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited,
the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their
The mother superior is
first to open hers.
She begins to blush,
and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"
02 Aug 2013 12:54
Two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
31 May 2013 11:41
Occasionally, as we all do, I ponder and fret and, generally, come to no conclusion on any subject.
Life can be lonely and frustrating when the one you cared about for so long is snatched away.
Now, with the means to enjoy life I look around and simply say to myself “what life”.