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Can a Guy "Nice" his way right to the friendzone? Options · View
Toxx
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:09:26 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 1/26/2013
Posts: 27
Location: United Kingdom
I'm one of the " nice guys " i'm also divorced and well into my 40s i don't meet many women but when I do i push my insecurity to the side and treat them with real respect, if things go the way i hope i dont waste time, i let her see i'm interested in her and watch ( hopefully ) for a positive reaction. If it's negative I behave like a gent should and respect her decision , DONT leave it too long or she WILL get the wrong idea and slot you into the friend line, also, if she is interested in something other than " friendship " she would give you some signs, if you fail to notice them... welcome to friendville buddy because she WILL think you don't see her as girlfriend material. SHOW a positive attitude even if you aren't, DONT leave it too long, TREAT her with respect
crazydiamond
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:12:42 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,285
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
WellMadeMale wrote:


You're right. I have not walked in your shoes/boots/sandals.

I've enjoyed & endured my own set of issues (most of my own creation)...and most of us create our own issues, Hound. You simply play the victim card very well.

Nothing is your fault.

Everybody picks on you.

Now you're old, broken down emotionally, tired of being trashed/nuked/heart ripped out.

BFD man. You're not going to find the answer(s) to what is ailing you on an internet forum board, let alone on this one. You still have excellent veterans' insurance?

Make some shrink appointments ... and start choosing your ladyfriends a bit differently, cuz whatever you've been doing in the past...obviously ain't working to your hearts content.

There is one constant in your equation - you


Applause Well said, we make our own mind set.

Magical_felix
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:21:41 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,538
Location: California
oldhound wrote:
Sorry, maybe yer right


oldhound wrote:
Sorry, limited frame of reference on my part


Stop apologizing. Seriously. It's a weak and unattractive habit.

Quote:
In reply to.Felix notes:
I apparently have no good qualities TO offer a woman, this is actually based on a recent conversation I overheard between females in my work place. They didnt know I was there, I dont make much noise when I walk
Due to my profession, we tend to apologize and fix the issue, rather than continue because usually we get charged for a variety of things.

Switch what up? Im a hippy redneck geek, no chance Im gonna be James bond. And Ive.passed all my psych evals


Fuck those bitches that were talking shit behind your back. They obviously thought you were important enough for discussion. Take it as they were thinking, "gee maybe if he did this or that he might be more dateable." Or else they wouldn't even bother discussing you most likely.

Okay so youre a filthy hippy. A redneck AND a geek... Well at first glance this may appear to be three strikes... But hell, there are plenty of redneck hippy geek chicks out there that may like that. Embrace who you are. It will radiate outward once you start to like who you are and others will like you too. BUT if you don't want to do that or think you just cant... Then switch it up.

Switch it up like go do things that will improve your confidence. Get new clothes, get a haircut, shave. Just start chit-chatting with women, see what makes them laugh, what doesn't. Hang out in different places than you usually do. Switch your diet, drink less or more when you go out. Stop smoking if you do. Change everything you do. Obviously what you are doing is not working for your confidence or your attraction factor to the opposite sex. Most importantly, smile, try to give off a fun vibe without looking like you are trying of course and stop all this belly-aching. Would you want to be with a girl that whines like this? No you wouldn't. Start to think about what you find attractive in a woman and apply it to yourself.






oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:24:03 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Well great points made, thanks. Ill address them and be gone
I have talked to the wizard, a few times, they make us after a tour or a bad scene on shift. Ive talked to them about this, my ”low self esteem”, Ive told them allllll that Ive said here and much much more. ”You need to focus on the good qualities you have, lets list them....oh...well, you have a unique skill set. I...Ill have to do some research. ” and Im sent on my way. I figured there woukd be something, someone out in the ether who would know what to do. I have always been respectful to women, thanks to ptsd from before joining, I HAVE to protect them, I cant hurt a woman or interfere in their lives negatively. If I do, I leave. The larger scope is, this is noonea fault but mine. I dont blame that gender for their actions, just wish I could have fit ones expectations. Youre right, Im the only constant in the formuales failure, si,, what do you do in that case...remove it. So I will remove myself from the equation. Theres the grain I was looking for
Magical_felix
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:26:20 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,538
Location: California
WellMadeMale wrote:

You're 45 and old? I'm 53







crazydiamond
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:33:33 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,285
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
oldhound wrote:
Well great points made, thanks. Ill address them and be gone
I have talked to the wizard, a few times, they make us after a tour or a bad scene on shift. Ive talked to them about this, my ”low self esteem”, Ive told them allllll that Ive said here and much much more. ”You need to focus on the good qualities you have, lets list them....oh...well, you have a unique skill set. I...Ill have to do some research. ” and Im sent on my way. I figured there woukd be something, someone out in the ether who would know what to do. I have always been respectful to women, thanks to ptsd from before joining, I HAVE to protect them, I cant hurt a woman or interfere in their lives negatively. If I do, I leave. The larger scope is, this is noonea fault but mine. I dont blame that gender for their actions, just wish I could have fit ones expectations. Youre right, Im the only constant in the formuales failure, si,, what do you do in that case...remove it. So I will remove myself from the equation. Theres the grain I was looking for


Hmmmm, maybe some "rebranding" is the way to go?
Instead of I'm a "hippy",try free spirit,
instead of "geek " try clever,
if you learn to put positive spins on the way you are , it may just raise the low a bit you know?
You have to be able to find positives in yourself before any other person will.

JohnC
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:35:06 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 5,031
Location: United States
I have found that most "nice guys" who complain that they are always getting put in the "friends" list put themselves there themselves. I am serious. You can be a NICE GUY and have women falling all over you. If you look like a doormat, are not assertive, don't appear to be interested (or INTERESTING), or just present yourself as a "brother/friend" figure.... that is probably where you will end up. It is not just about being a "bad boy", it is about being masculine, assertive without being cocky, showing THEM interest (but not following them like a puppy dog), and you have to give them glimpses of the "fire below" that you have... and they WANT. The same is true for women, you know, the Lady on the street, but the whore in the bedroom thing. ;)

Men who don't get the right responses from women (or the ones they want) are in most cases not sending them the right signals. It does not hinge on "nice guy" vs "bad boy" for the most part, but all sorts of other factors.

clum
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:43:39 PM

Rank: Clumeleon

Joined: 5/13/2011
Posts: 3,711
Location: Edinburgh, United Kingdom
How "nice" are those guys who are being "nice" in the hope of something in return? How "nice" are they when bitching about being in the "friend zone"? How "nice" are the guys who think the world owes them something because they have some manners and common decency?

Nice guys finish last, they say. I disagree. Arseholes pretending to be "nice guys"—they finish last.

The lion is most lionlike when he roars.
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 2:47:07 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
1) NO positives
2) assertive, masuline? Im a US Army MP, with tours in two wars. Im a SME, in close.quarters battle, marksmanship, CBRNE, police procdures, I am air assault qulified, I rappel out of helicopters.
3) I tend to scare the hell out of people thanks to my looks and lack of a pleasant voice.
4) I am.also considered a relic from the Cold war, useless and laughable.
JohnC
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:03:54 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 5,031
Location: United States
oldhound wrote:
1) NO positives
2) assertive, masuline? Im a US Army MP, with tours in two wars. Im a SME, in close.quarters battle, marksmanship, CBRNE, police procdures, I am air assault qulified, I rappel out of helicopters.
3) I tend to scare the hell out of people thanks to my looks and lack of a pleasant voice.
4) I am.also considered a relic from the Cold war, useless and laughable.

I don't know why you felt you had to post that, but to me, it comes off as more pitty party. I have a similar resume, and background and have NONE of the problems you seem to have. That means, sorry, you are the problem. And frankly I don't think anyone here can help you. I get the feeling that you WANT to feel as you do, WANT to live as you do, and it gives you an excuse or something for anything that may not work out your way.

Seriously, you almost sound like another ME..... but all the things you act like are detriments I use as positives. I think there are many other issues at work with you.... and again, I get the feeling nothing anyone here can say will "help".

Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:07:37 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 5,945
Location: In your dirty fantasies
oldhound wrote:
1) NO positives
2) assertive, masuline? Im a US Army MP, with tours in two wars. Im a SME, in close.quarters battle, marksmanship, CBRNE, police procdures, I am air assault qulified, I rappel out of helicopters.
3) I tend to scare the hell out of people thanks to my looks and lack of a pleasant voice.
4) I am.also considered a relic from the Cold war, useless and laughable.



What kind of women are you typically approaching? Like describe the women you've been involved with, married or attempted to date. What's your general type (meaning looks, job, personality etc.). Is it not possible that you are choosing the wrong people over and over again to get emotionally invested in? Like what are we talking here - ex-partygirls? younger women? the nice woman who works in HR and owns 3 cats? The quiet receptionist? Do these women typically have jobs or do they usually expect you to support them? Are they usually more or less outgoing than you? On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate them looks wise (on average)? Do you go for "nice girls" or "bad girls"?

A lot of times 'nice guys' get pissed off when women don't see their positive qualities. But a lot of times they go for completely the wrong kind of woman, over and over again. It's like an endless chase for a type of woman that simply isn't naturally compatible with them. Or they end up choosing to fixate on the over-complicated headcases that end up using them like an easy mark.

Could it just be that you're pitching to the wrong audience over and over again and you need to reset the criteria of what you're looking for in a potential partner?


crazydiamond
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:08:39 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,285
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
JohnC wrote:

I get the feeling that you WANT to feel as you do, WANT to live as you do, and it gives you an excuse or something for anything that may not work out your way.

Seriously, you almost sound like another ME..... but all the things you act like are detriments I use as positives. I think there are many other issues at work with you.... and again, I get the feeling nothing anyone here can say will "help".



crazydiamond wrote:


Applause Well said, we make our own mind set.


Help is only help if it's actually wanted. We've done all we can.

oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:12:34 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
No, dont want to live like this. But as you and others have pointed out, its just me. This wasnt a pity party, not intentionally, just tired of why I was going through it time and again. Noone at all to blame but me. Thanks for the honest input.
Leiza350
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:33:45 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/22/2012
Posts: 405
Location: ft myers, United States
Toxx wrote:
I'm one of the " nice guys " i'm also divorced and well into my 40s i don't meet many women but when I do i push my insecurity to the side and treat them with real respect, if things go the way i hope i dont waste time, i let her see i'm interested in her and watch ( hopefully ) for a positive reaction. If it's negative I behave like a gent should and respect her decision , DONT leave it too long or she WILL get the wrong idea and slot you into the friend line, also, if she is interested in something other than " friendship " she would give you some signs, if you fail to notice them... welcome to friendville buddy because she WILL think you don't see her as girlfriend material. SHOW a positive attitude even if you aren't, DONT leave it too long, TREAT her with respect

\
\Great attitude I love guys like this.
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:36:44 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Wonderful. More reason for me
Nikki703
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:53:36 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 12,324
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
oldhound wrote:
Wonderful. More reason for me


Dude, you need to chill the fuck out!! You say you have nothing to offer women, you over heard some woman saying that. Well FUCK them!!! Sounds like you had quite military career. Thats something to be proud of and Im sure there are women out there who would appreciate you for who you are if you would just stop being so fucking negative!!

You say you scare people by how you look. Explain. Are you a walking, talking Shrek or is it you just have that depersssed, Im pissed at the world, come near me and I will chew your head off Sgt. Hulka looking expression all the time. I am thinking its the latter. You said you are 6' and 180lbs so its not like you are fat, I am assuming being an MP you must be in relatively good shape. Forget about what happened in the past, its just that, the PAST!! Look to the future.

Take a couple chill pills, stop feeling sorry for yourself and go put and change your life and enjoy it. Life is too short NOT to!!


You Need A Few Of These ASAP!!
Dani
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 3:56:43 PM

Rank: Penguin Wrangler

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 4,006
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
The easiest way to get out of the friend zone is to be your nice, caring, gentlemanly, available self...and when you notice she's treating you like a regular friend...start gradually pulling away. Don't be a jerk, but just pull away. Don't make yourself as available as you are. One of two things will happen: She'll realize she was into you, and she'll miss you...and she'll make it a point to let you know. Usually by going out of her way just to get in yours. Or, she'll realize how nice it is to NOT have you around all the time, and she won't budge. Either way, you'll have your answer.

Women are just as thrilled by the chase as guys are, and if she's really into you and you stop chasing, she'll find a way to make you chase her.



We're tiny. We're toony. We're all a little looney. And in this cartoony, we're invading your TV.

WellMadeMale
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 4:27:38 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,212
Location: Cakeland, United States
slipperywhenwet2012 wrote:
The easiest way to get out of the friend zone is to be your nice, caring, gentlemanly, available self...and when you notice she's treating you like a regular friend...start gradually pulling away. Don't be a jerk, but just pull away. Don't make yourself as available as you are. One of two things will happen: She'll realize she was into you, and she'll miss you...and she'll make it a point to let you know. Usually by going out of her way just to get in yours. Or, she'll realize how nice it is to NOT have you around all the time, and she won't budge. Either way, you'll have your answer.

Women are just as thrilled by the chase as guys are, and if she's really into you and you stop chasing, she'll find a way to make you chase her.


There's a third option that might happen.

She might know the perfect woman/friend/cousin/co-worker of hers to introduce you to.

Friend zone is not the shitzone place a lot of people think it is - to be. Could be in the I Don't Give A Fuck About You zone...in which case you're shit out of luck, probably cuz you put yourself there by being a douche nozzle.

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 4:46:43 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Thank you for your input.
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 5:09:12 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Explain? What why I get called gargoyle? I was a police cadet in California, did buy raids for alcohol.beverage control. At 19, I had the best success ratio on the dept. Why, well it was one suspects defense, laywer said, your honor , look at him. At 20, I looked 32. and I just aged from there. Next, forget the past? Ah, well enought jabs thrown at your nose, you learn to put up your guard eventually, that.or quit fighting.
ShyRedRose
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 5:30:21 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 1/25/2013
Posts: 23
I don't think i have laughed this hard in a long time...i literally have tears in my eyes with laughter, reading this thread is better than mindless tv anyday :D
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 5:38:57 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Im glad I could help. A joke? How fitting, thank you for putting me in the correct perspective.
Delphi
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 7:04:19 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 6/30/2012
Posts: 1,187
Location: United States
Mr. Hound, may I respectfully suggest you seek out an antidepressive? Professional help as well. I am absolutely not trying to be funny or bitchy here, but I think these things will help you.

As for the coworkers and ex wives...Bitches are nothing but bitches. They don't define who you are. Only you can do that.



The Delphi/NaughtyNurse collaboration - a Recommended Read
Dani
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 7:15:25 PM

Rank: Penguin Wrangler

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 4,006
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
WellMadeMale wrote:


There's a third option that might happen.

She might know the perfect woman/friend/cousin/co-worker of hers to introduce you to.

Friend zone is not the shitzone place a lot of people think it is - to be. Could be in the I Don't Give A Fuck About You zone...in which case you're shit out of luck, probably cuz you put yourself there by being a douche nozzle.


That's actually a great point. Totally forgot about this one. Friendzone doesn't always have to mean that all hope is lost.



We're tiny. We're toony. We're all a little looney. And in this cartoony, we're invading your TV.

oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 7:28:16 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Ref Ms Delphi, I have been to the wizard, since a med I am on for spinal damage, is also reommended for mood issues, they said I just need to focus on my positive traits, this has been addressed. And the last girl...all the young ladies that spoke of me...that was her pier group.
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 7:28:56 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
Ref Ms Delphi, I have been to the wizard, since a med I am on for spinal damage, is also reommended for mood issues, they said I just need to focus on my positive traits, this has been addressed. And the last girl...all the young ladies that spoke of me...that was her pier group.
oldhound
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 7:37:58 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 201
Location: Colorado Springs, United States
And, as far as Im concerned, your gender is just as dangerous to me as those who shot at me, just in a different way that requires different protection.
Shylass
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 8:11:49 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,591
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
oldhound wrote:
And, as far as Im concerned, your gender is just as dangerous to me as those who shot at me, just in a different way that requires different protection.


I don't know your past, but if you regard women as dangerous, that will have undercurrents in how you talk to them.

I know a few Heroes who have fought in the wars, and a few who still do. Two of those men, now retired, are effing "ugly" by the world's standard's of what pretty is. And yet, I think they are two of the sexiest men I know.

The both have horrific injuries, one to his head, the other to his legs. Both of them have issues from the past (and one in thepresent) with women.

They both struggle, not only with physical disability, but PTSD. Sometimes, they are "lost" to us. Usually, they come.back. There is always the fear they won't be able to.

Both of them respect me (and tease the hell out of me), and what makes them sexy is their thirst to find hope. They don't care how they find it, but their desire to see a dandelion grow from a manure pile makes them powerful, attractive, and wonderful friends.

It is their attitude. They say, "Fuck 'em, I'm getting on with it". They go through fearfully dark days, but they both live by a saying I have, even if they word it differently: "I'm waiting for a better day".

I might be lost in the blackest night, with memories rising up at me, but I know that morning has to.arrive at some.point. Maybe morning is only a grey sky and a lot of rain. But even the weeds can grow when the river rises, and the ducks can swim. I am neither weed nor duck, but I can point at them.and say, "Today is a better day, I can have roast duck and herbs for.dinner". And then I have to try to catch them.

Maybe I will.never succeed, but I can try. That is the attitude they have, that makes my Hero friends sexy. They will sit by my side and eat gingerbread men because when we can't smile, the cookies do it for us. Seriously. I am obsessed by gingerbread men because they SMILE. I often can't, but my cookies can.

Find something to.smile for you. Make some cookies. Bite their heads.off when you are.angry, and take fun pictures.of them when you want to be silly.

THAT is what will help you find some.peace: wait for your Better Day, and love those.tiny beams of sunshine when you can. If you wait for somebody else to define your Better Day, it won't happen. You must find it for yourself, and determine to acknowledge it.

I know how hard that is. Most days, I want to die and to have never been here. I apologise for.my own existence. But I am still here, and I have determined that I shall stay until my crappy piece of shit body gives up. And I shall do my best to love my Better Days and look forward to them during my darkest days.

Whether you choose to do the same or.not is up to you. A partner cannot do that for you, even if she comes along, and it turns out, she was not dangerous after all.



Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 04, 2013 8:17:46 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,130
Ooops! I thought I was in "Ask the gals".? WTF happened here? What a dark and ugly place.......
Nikki703
Posted: Tuesday, February 05, 2013 6:25:56 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 12,324
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
oldhound wrote:
And, as far as Im concerned, your gender is just as dangerous to me as those who shot at me, just in a different way that requires different protection.


OK, You Win!! If you say you're hopeless then you're hopeless. All the advice given here is wrong, no matter what you do no woman will want you. Women are evil!! We are all out to get you. We all go out of our way to make all men's lives miserable.

I really feel bad for you and it has nothing to do with what you say you look like, sound like or anything else physical. If I insulted you in anyway, it wasnt my intention and I doubt it was the intention of any woman who posted were. I just hope you can find happiness in your life someday!! Good Luck!!!
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