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Rank: Penguin Wrangler
Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 1,541
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
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I was hanging out with friends this past weekend. And a really close guy friend of mine told me about a relationship he had to let go of because it seemed like his girlfriend was always working her ex into their relationship. Always bringing up how much he hurt her. And to me, it sounded as if it was to the point that she was pining for this guy who hurt her so badly. And when he first started showing interest in her, she wasn't exactly fresh out of the relationship and she made it clear several times that she was over this ex. Yet as they began dating comments would slip in here and there about how heartbroken she was. Like she hadn't completely healed. And he was as supportive as he could be, because she really is a great girl, but it became evident that she had never gotten over this guy, no matter how in love she thought herself with my friend. And their relationship sort of became all about him trying to help her get over this heart breaker. It was like no matter what he did, she was always randomly sad about this other guy. Which I thought was more than a little strange. And she's obviously not over this guy, so why even bother with a new relationship? In my opinion, and not totally saying she did it on purpose, but I think she hooked up with my friend because it was convenient. He was emotionally available, so she grabbed at the chance. So anyhoo, I guess my question is: How big of a role do you think an ex should play in a new relationship? I've always thought that they should play no part of a new relationship. Sure every couple has one or two conversations about exes just to clear the air and have everything out in the open, but surely it shouldn't be a recurring thing. Any thoughts?
"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." - Dr. Seuss
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 3,241
Location: United States
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I think it should NOT be a prominent roll at all. Only if there are children involved should it really be an issue. Well, except in extreme cases of abuse, rape, or other things like that... then some real help is probably needed. But IMO the new partner should not be the Doctor. So I guess in short, I agree with you. I would probably write more, but I have to start dinner. LOL HUNGRY!
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 2/11/2013
Posts: 486
Location: Marina del Rey, United States
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None whatsoever. I am not "him". She is not "her". Get over it, be over it, stay over it.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/19/2013
Posts: 186
Location: United States
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My exes affect relationships only in that I try to be cautious not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, I make NEW mistakes! Now I just look for sex and settle for that, the rest, love and permanence and all of that, is too damned hard to make it work. There is a man who has my heart but there's no way to make it work for us, and we had to part 3 years ago, I try to keep that from entering my lover relationships but it certainly enters my mind. But past relationships shape who you are and how you feel, and you can never really 100% turn that off.
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Rank: Active Ink Slinger
Joined: 12/7/2012
Posts: 24
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I agree with Mr. LosAngeles, in that what has happened in the past is done, and only needs to be brought up if it has something to add to the experience for both. If not, it's best left unsaid.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 8/5/2010
Posts: 222
Location: London
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Whats in the past should stay in the past,and a new relationship is the future,so past relationships should have absolutely no role whatsoever.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/7/2013
Posts: 231
Location: United States
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I agree with 2706ali Whats in the past should stay in the past,and a new relationship is the future,so past relationships should have absolutely no role whatsoever.
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Rank: Detention Seeker
Joined: 8/17/2010
Posts: 728
Location: Over your Knee Screaming and Kicking!, United King
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None at all unless Children are involved through the previous relationship.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
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that poor guy he was going to be BBQ for whatever her ex did
as i have said it before i so think there should be a waiting period before date again after a bad break up
why should a new person pay for your mistake??
see i believe that people tell us who they are ...we choose to IGNORE it
you know a cheater..you do..you know a guy who isnt going to put you first...you see it right away...someone who comes on too fast and hard...a possible stalker
so i ask why should the new person pay for it?
everyone has been hurt..if you have dated you have been hurt period
if a person brings up their past like that run..to the nearest exit
they are not over them and will HURT you
good question...really good question
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,011
Location: Canada
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I agree, relationships should remain in the past unless of course, children are involved. In a real and perfect world, that would always be the case but the reality is that we too often carry around far too much baggage from past relationships than should be allowed and most people just aren't very self-aware to be able to move past them and come out at the other end a better and happier person. I do think it's fine and sometimes important to hear about ex's or past relationships when you're first learning and getting to know more about a new love interest - I think what they have to say about those past relationships (good or bad) can and does reveal so much about their character, how they view relationships and gender roles and conflict etc., and especially if they take any responsibility or accountability for the break-up (THIS is critical in my opinion). That's not to say I want to hear every intimate tale or spend all our free time rehashing past relationships BUT sometimes it's good to get it all out in the open and be done with it so there no surprises.
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Rank: Constant Gardener
Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 9,511
Location: Cakeland, United States
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In 1995 I showed up at our residence driving what I thought was my new automobile. Very similar to this photograph.  My then live-in girlfriend came home from night school around 10:30 that evening and barged in our residence spitting nails she was so upset and livid. "You are NOT driving that fucking car!" "I'm getting a great deal on that El Dorado, babe." "My last boyfriend before you bought a brand new '92 and he used it to cheat around on me, it's even the same gawddamned color!" "Well, that's a 1993 model, babe...and I don't plan to cheat around on you with it." "Either that fucking car goes or I go." I took it back to the dealer the next morning. In hindsight, I should've helped her pack her suitcase that night as she and I broke up 18 months later anyway. That ride was sweet. She was too, in a different way. I never saw her come unhinged like that about anything else in the nearly 5 years we were together. That was also about the extent of her ever talking about her ex with me. She fucking flipped out! I wish I'd have filmed her 45 minute tirade. It was difficult to keep from laughing in front of her. 
 The best thing you can do for your fellow,
next to rousing his conscience, is - not to give him things
to think about, but to wake things up that are in him...
to make him think things for himself - George MacDonald
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 8/8/2012
Posts: 304
Location: New Zealand
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I defs think it's important to acknowledge any effects that an ex may have had on an individual. But defs don't let them define any new relationships. Your new partner is not your old one.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 10/5/2012
Posts: 6,073
Location: in another Multiverse., Australia
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stelmaria wrote:I defs think it's important to acknowledge any effects that an ex may have had on an individual. But defs don't let them define any new relationships. Your new partner is not your old one. ^^^^^This^^^^^ Remember also, it's up to the new partner to choose whether they want to accept this type of behaviour. If he didn't like being her emotional crutch, why did he stay? I think he should take a lot of the responsibility for what has happened because he accepted her behaviour from the beginning.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 10/1/2012
Posts: 154
Location: United Kingdom
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To avoid all semblances of the past is extremely difficult and I'd say unhealthy. However, what we should do regarding the past is to acknowledge it, wave hello occasionally, allow it to stay for a visit, perhaps a cup of tea one rainy afternoon, we should also allow the past to visit us when we are perhaps sad, lonely and feel the need for a moment or two of reminiscence, to recall the good time, the wonder and the joy of past experiences. Then, as we do with old acquaintances, we can say goodbye, cheerio, nice to see you again, we must catch up in a few years time. Also, in acknowledging the past and saying hello now and again we can see the routes not taken, the actions we took that were less than satisfactory and hopefully we can learn from acknowledging the past.
Keep the past out, deny them the opportunity to visit occasionally and the past will come back time and time again, stronger, faster and significantly more persistent, you see, the past must have a voice, a chance to speak out and to be heard, once we listen to our past, really listen, sated it will slink off back home, only visiting on those occasions that you request a visit. Take heed of the past, for the past can guide your future or if unheard the past can alter the course of your life with devastating effect.
Say hi, once in a while, you'll be glad you did so, but hey, don't ask the past to stay over, never ever allow the past to stay over, the past is not a very pleasant house guest...
The past is the Goldilocks of life experiences, too soft and the past may stay for ever, too hard and the past might become a grouch, just right and the past can be...just right!
You're the truth, not I...
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