Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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♥ Listen, touch, and look around in the air and on the ground. If you watch all nature's things, you might just see a fairy's wings. ♥

I was laughing so damn hard I nearly fell out of my bed! I was belling laughing and had the urge to pee my pants! This is is the absolute funniest thing I can remember reading in god knows how long. I can picture a stand up comedian going through the play by play of this, but I'm not even sure they would be half as comical as this guy. Wow that was a perfect dose of laughter! Thanks for posting Pixie!

Hilarious! I'm still laughing... (and I can't help but wonder what the cat was thinking)

Here I am, looking through the forums. I see this one and think, yeah right. Another lame attempt title to get us to come read it. I have tears streaming down my face, sides hurt so bad, can't focus on the chat I'm in, dying of laughter. Thank you for this laugh.

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Lol! Hilarious.


Growing up, we had a neighbor who helped us bale hay from time to time. As we headed through the pasture one time he grabbed the metal gate in one hand, then closed his other around the electric fence wire. He ended up with burn marks on both hands, and complained it was my fault that he didn't grab the plastic gate handle. Sometimes you can't help stupid.

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Who would have guessed that my little tale, the very First one I ever submitted to Lush would be read by so many?
It shocks me a little to realize that it has now served over 20,000!

Charge Nurse

Thank you so very much to those who have read it!

You 'citified' people ain't never pissed on no electric fence, have you? Naughtynurse at least knows about an electric fence. LMAO...while 'protecting' myself from the thought of it!!

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http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/exit-33-trust.aspx

no, NO, NO!!!...I would DISOWN the older son...or more appropriately, make HIM pee on the fence!! That's beyond cruel!!

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http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/exit-33-trust.aspx

OMG!! I just fell of my chair. That was hillarious. Thank God he didnt Zap the cat!

Yes, that was a great story.. well for us

oh and by the way, is this the cat?

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Practice what you know, and it will help to make clear what now you do not know. — Rembrandt

There is poetry as soon as we realize that we possess nothing. — John Cage

This is defo the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thank you Pixie and thank you to the idiot who tried this, but better still saw fit to relate the story! faf

It's hilarious!!

I had tears running down my face! You just can't make up stupid. Thank you, Pixie

I'm still laughing. That was wonderful.