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feeling rejected by my lover, this time to a video game: update: thank you to everyone who replied, Options · View
apainter
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 10:18:59 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/20/2011
Posts: 21
Location: toronto
My lover is a man who is pretty closed and guarded, struggling with a lot of stuff in his life, is currently holed up with a video game for several days, says leave him be, is tuning me out, says not to take it personally, has even gotten angry at me for telling him I want to be there for him, need him, woke up in tears because I miss him so much, this angered him too, I am so in love with this man, he tells me he has never experienced love, ever, but is very very fond of me, cares for me ect. I adore this man, this current episode is really hurting me, feel so weak, he thinks I am making this about "me", feels "annoyed" I see it as more closing up, don't know how to act, I told him I loved him, he said "thank you". Should I play distant, but I cannot be something that I am not, I wear my heart on my sleeve, it suits him sometimes, touches him, I feel too much at the mercy of his moods, detrimental to my mental health even. Then he will "come back" tell me he misses me and I will be so happy. Pretty bad?
Cute_Guy_Uk
Posted: Monday, February 25, 2013 3:47:07 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 6/21/2012
Posts: 76
Location: England, United Kingdom
I hate to say it but this guy doesn't sound right for you. A relationship should be a partnership of equals, people who bring out the best in each other and help make the other person a better person. I've found the best long term relationships are the ones who are friends and can tell each other anything.

Having said that if you don't feel you can be without this guy then the best thing you can do is be patient, wait until he is ready to come to you and be ready for him when he does. Hopefully the experience will make you both stronger for it and so maybe he won't feel the need to shut you out again.

Hope that helps
seeker4
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 6:44:32 AM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 10/17/2012
Posts: 3,503
Location: Gone walkabout, Canada
You mention your mental health. Have you considered that his mental health may be the issue? Sounds like a possible bout of depression to me. I know it will be hard to bring up with him directly in the current state but maybe do reading up on depression in men to see if you can get some ideas of how to broach the subject.

Counselling for you might also open the door to getting him to talk to someone about it. Again, I know men can be pretty resistant to seeing psychologists or other counselling professionals but looking for a way to get a foot in the door to break down that resistance is something the counsellor might be able to help with.

Just a thought based on some personal experiences.

Stories that satisfy about people seeking satisfaction

Satisfaction in the Park

Satisfaction in the Library
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 7:29:22 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,409
I don't know all of the situation, but here are some general thought on the matter as a whole.

I feel that if one part of a relationship feels neglected, it should be addressed. Sometimes it is not the case, and that has to be shown as well. But many times it is the case. We see excuses like, work, video games, family problems (outside the relationship or family/pair unit), and other things. For me these are simply not acceptable excuses/reasons for neglecting your partner.

Most everyone have plenty of excuses they could give for neglecting their partner, but I frankly don't buy any of them..... except depression and loss of interest. Depression should be dealt with. And loss of interest, well that all depends on WHY it happened. Sometimes it can be worked on and fixed, and other times it can't be. We see plenty of relationships fizzle out after the initial passion and excitement of a "new thing" wares off. It happens. It SUCKS, but it happens. And it most often leaves one party feeling used and then worthless.

YOUR man on the other hand sounds like he had some significant baggage going into the relationship anyways. You may or may not be able to work through those things. But I never recommend people trying to settle down with people who need "fixing", because in most cases you can NOT fix them. Get them fixed before making any real commitment with them. You may actually find that once they have taken care of their issues, you may not actually LIKE them. Many times people are attracted to the wounded animal, whether they realize it or not. And it almost always ends poorly.
TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 7:56:43 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/19/2011
Posts: 1,302
Location: I'm the girl that your father hoped he could date.
Before you go blaming yourself, or him, think of it this way...

He could be addicted to his game.
It's happens quite easily. Certain video games are designed to become addictive. Is it an MMORPG style of a game?

Message me if you'd like more information about it.

overmykneenow
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 8:29:46 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,024
Location: United Kingdom
Just how closed and guarded is he? How does he respond to change? Are his emotional responses to other things in his life what you would consider "normal"?

Video game addiction that transfers into closing-off behaviour like this has been linked to Asperger's but it's more likely to be that he's suffering from depression. What is certain is that what he's doing isn't healthy for him or for you. Can you remove yourself from there for a few days? Stay with family or friends? He needs help, unfortunately, so do you.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

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freakycactus
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 2:27:20 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/12/2010
Posts: 409
Location: On my cloud, United Kingdom
I was with someone who loved me so much he had to spend every second of the day with me, but he didn't want to talk to me because he was engrossed in whatever game he was playing on the xbox - this went on for months, years probably. He saw me checking out Lush one day and told me to join, essentially so that I would sit quietly next to him, he didn't care that I was talking to other people, or what I was talking to them about. As long as I was sat quietly next to him, he was happy.

If I ever told him I needed a cuddle I was made to wait until he got to a convenient place to pause the game, I used to get excited from the conversations I was having on Lush and put his hand on me to feel how wet I was, more often than not his eyes wouldn't even leave the screen.

It sounds like your guy has a lot of issues but it's not up to you to fix them for him, especially when he's giving you what sounds like no support in return. It almost sounds as though he's using you to keep him entertained until the next game is released.

If you don't look after yourself, will he? It doesn't sound like he would. You need to look after yourself and put yourself first, only you can work out what's best for you. I left the guy I was with and I've never been happier, that doesn't mean it would be the right thing for you to do, but it might be worth considering.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 2:39:28 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,409
freakycactus wrote:
I was with someone who loved me so much he had to spend every second of the day with me, but he didn't want to talk to me because he was engrossed in whatever game he was playing on the xbox - this went on for months, years probably. He saw me checking out Lush one day and told me to join, essentially so that I would sit quietly next to him, he didn't care that I was talking to other people, or what I was talking to them about. As long as I was sat quietly next to him, he was happy.

If I ever told him I needed a cuddle I was made to wait until he got to a convenient place to pause the game, I used to get excited from the conversations I was having on Lush and put his hand on me to feel how wet I was, more often than not his eyes wouldn't even leave the screen.

It sounds like your guy has a lot of issues but it's not up to you to fix them for him, especially when he's giving you what sounds like no support in return. It almost sounds as though he's using you to keep him entertained until the next game is released.

If you don't look after yourself, will he? It doesn't sound like he would. You need to look after yourself and put yourself first, only you can work out what's best for you. I left the guy I was with and I've never been happier, that doesn't mean it would be the right thing for you to do, but it might be worth considering.

I have to say, that is pretty messed up (that situation). Sometimes I just don't get people.
apainter
Posted: Thursday, March 07, 2013 8:43:43 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/20/2011
Posts: 21
Location: toronto
JohnC wrote:
I don't know all of the situation, but here are some general thought on the matter as a whole.

I feel that if one part of a relationship feels neglected, it should be addressed. Sometimes it is not the case, and that has to be shown as well. But many times it is the case. We see excuses like, work, video games, family problems (outside the relationship or family/pair unit), and other things. For me these are simply not acceptable excuses/reasons for neglecting your partner.

Most everyone have plenty of excuses they could give for neglecting their partner, but I frankly don't buy any of them..... except depression and loss of interest. Depression should be dealt with. And loss of interest, well that all depends on WHY it happened. Sometimes it can be worked on and fixed, and other times it can't be. We see plenty of relationships fizzle out after the initial passion and excitement of a "new thing" wares off. It happens. It SUCKS, but it happens. And it most often leaves one party feeling used and then worthless.

YOUR man on the other hand sounds like he had some significant baggage going into the relationship anyways. You may or may not be able to work through those things. But I never recommend people trying to settle down with people who need "fixing", because in most cases you can NOT fix them. Get them fixed before making any real commitment with them. You may actually find that once they have taken care of their issues, you may not actually LIKE them. Many times people are attracted to the wounded animal, whether they realize it or not. And it almost always ends poorly.
apainter
Posted: Thursday, March 07, 2013 8:49:12 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/20/2011
Posts: 21
Location: toronto
seeker4 wrote:
You mention your mental health. Have you considered that his mental health may be the issue? Sounds like a possible bout of depression to me. I know it will be hard to bring up with him directly in the current state but maybe do reading up on depression in men to see if you can get some ideas of how to broach the subject.

Counselling for you might also open the door to getting him to talk to someone about it. Again, I know men can be pretty resistant to seeing psychologists or other counselling professionals but looking for a way to get a foot in the door to break down that resistance is something the counsellor might be able to help with.

Just a thought based on some personal experiences.


You are so right about depression, we have talked about it, definitely there, things are better now, but for how long? Still feel controlled by his emotional states too deeply, but maybe that is also a reflection of me not being very secure in myself, which is the case.
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