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This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Options · View
Pixie
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 5:19:46 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 9/27/2007
Posts: 5,788
Location: Never, Never Land, United States
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

♥ Listen, touch, and look around in the air and on the ground. If you watch all nature's things, you might just see a fairy's wings. ♥
playsit
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 7:32:39 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/26/2011
Posts: 271
Location: Northeastern Untied Sates, United States
Holy shit that was hysterical. Thank you for sharing that story, I needed a good laugh tonight
ShyVixen
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 7:51:16 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 5/2/2009
Posts: 1,366
Location: United States
I was laughing so damn hard I nearly fell out of my bed! I was belling laughing and had the urge to pee my pants! This is is the absolute funniest thing I can remember reading in god knows how long. I can picture a stand up comedian going through the play by play of this, but I'm not even sure they would be half as comical as this guy. Wow that was a perfect dose of laughter! Thanks for posting Pixie!
cheeseball
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 9:34:06 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/19/2013
Posts: 167
Location: Chicago, United States
God that was funny! I almost blew iced tea out my nose. I wonder if he has found his testacles yet? They will probably drop back down in a few days.
TheGulfCoaster
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 10:16:43 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 1/2/2011
Posts: 581
Location: Sarasota County, United States
Hilarious! I'm still laughing... (and I can't help but wonder what the cat was thinking)
Naughtygrl73
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 10:23:40 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 5/21/2011
Posts: 1,336
Location: The Naughty Mansion, Australia
Shy vixen I believe I did pee myself !:D

Jinxy
Posted: Saturday, February 23, 2013 11:22:27 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/10/2012
Posts: 2,826
Location: †Jinxy Approved†, United States
Here I am, looking through the forums. I see this one and think, yeah right. Another lame attempt title to get us to come read it. I have tears streaming down my face, sides hurt so bad, can't focus on the chat I'm in, dying of laughter. Thank you for this laugh.

†Jinxy Approved†

sweet_as_candy
Posted: Sunday, February 24, 2013 12:50:47 AM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 5/28/2012
Posts: 2,012
Location: In the library
OMG! That was absolutely hysterical! I absolutely loved that! laughing8




naughtynurse
Posted: Sunday, February 24, 2013 3:33:10 AM

Rank: Head Nurse

Joined: 4/15/2011
Posts: 6,420
Location: Soaking up the sun, United States
Lol! Hilarious.


Growing up, we had a neighbor who helped us bale hay from time to time. As we headed through the pasture one time he grabbed the metal gate in one hand, then closed his other around the electric fence wire. He ended up with burn marks on both hands, and complained it was my fault that he didn't grab the plastic gate handle. Sometimes you can't help stupid.



A special thank you to all who read and voted on my competition Quickie, a Recomended Read: Something Borrowed
Mazza
Posted: Sunday, February 24, 2013 4:58:46 AM

Rank: Mazztastic

Joined: 9/20/2012
Posts: 2,837
Location: Scotland, United Kingdom
Omg, that was brilliant!!!
asleep
Posted: Sunday, February 24, 2013 5:04:54 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/30/2011
Posts: 2,793
Location: United States
You 'citified' people ain't never pissed on no electric fence, have you? Naughtynurse at least knows about an electric fence. LMAO...while 'protecting' myself from the thought of it!!

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/exit-33-trust.aspx

sugarbabe
Posted: Sunday, February 24, 2013 10:20:17 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/30/2010
Posts: 691
Location: northeast, United States
Too funny....this reminds me of my sons out chopping, loading wood near an electric fence.
of coarse the older ones told the youngest one to try and pee on the wire fence. He DID!
they rolled on the ground laughing and he rolled on the ground crying...d'oh!

sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it


asleep
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 5:58:19 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/30/2011
Posts: 2,793
Location: United States
sugarbabe wrote:
Too funny....this reminds me of my sons out chopping, loading wood near an electric fence.
of coarse the older ones told the youngest one to try and pee on the wire fence. He DID!
they rolled on the ground laughing and he rolled on the ground crying...d'oh!


no, NO, NO!!!...I would DISOWN the older son...or more appropriately, make HIM pee on the fence!! That's beyond cruel!!

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/exit-33-trust.aspx

DazzlingLove
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 11:42:01 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/7/2009
Posts: 446
Location: Australia
OMG I CAN'T BREATHE! Applause Lfunny
Nikki703
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 9:34:33 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 12,319
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
OMG!! I just fell of my chair. That was hillarious. Thank God he didnt Zap the cat!


seeker4
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 10:41:30 AM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 10/17/2012
Posts: 2,780
Location: In the great, beautiful Cosmos, Canada
Sigh. When are the Darwin Awards again? Though he's still in the gene pool so I think he doesn't qualify.


Looking for dessert? Try visiting...

Sweet Tasty Treats

Oral Sex Competition Entry



He went looking for an interview. He found something more.

The Professor
keoloke
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2013 8:25:13 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/12/2010
Posts: 553
Location: United States
Yes, that was a great story.. well for us

oh and by the way, is this the cat?





Practice Happiness, it is a choice

Life is simple; we are what we eat and what we read. Talk is not much needed.
DonDuzIt
Posted: Sunday, March 03, 2013 12:53:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 2/18/2013
Posts: 54
Location: My Home, United States
Hey! I think I found his testicles!!! Oh! Never mind........sorry Albert!

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Simon66
Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2013 7:21:08 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 8/21/2012
Posts: 10
Location: United Kingdom
This is defo the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thank you Pixie and thank you to the idiot who tried this, but better still saw fit to relate the story! faf

Pixie wrote:
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Tammy_Nguyen_77
Posted: Saturday, March 16, 2013 2:45:55 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 30
Location: Arlington, United States
Yes..this is the funniest thing I've read in a while!

I hope you will all follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/@Tammy_Nguyen_77 I can also be found on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/TammyNguyen1977

Tammy
flashytone
Posted: Saturday, March 16, 2013 4:02:56 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/15/2011
Posts: 832
Location: In a great place ;-), Netherlands
It's hilarious!!
Guest
Posted: Thursday, March 21, 2013 10:10:05 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,086
Yep that is the funniest thing i have read in ages
Guest
Posted: Thursday, March 21, 2013 11:49:27 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,086
I had tears running down my face! You just can't make up stupid. Thank you, Pixie
LOVES4PLAY
Posted: Friday, March 22, 2013 1:04:46 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/14/2010
Posts: 944
Location: JUST A CLICK AWAY, United States
OMG THIS WAS FUCKING AWESOME. thank you for sharing..
c50t
Posted: Sunday, March 24, 2013 9:02:36 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/9/2011
Posts: 233
I'm still laughing. That was wonderful.
thepunisher
Posted: Sunday, March 24, 2013 11:57:22 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/8/2012
Posts: 8
Location: United States
very funny! reminds me when I almost electrocuted myself..
Casualguy1st
Posted: Tuesday, February 11, 2014 8:00:33 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 1/1/2014
Posts: 51
Location: Canada
6
Pixie wrote:
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife

I am laughing so hard I can barely type. Thank you for posting this tid bit of 'what GUY's Do'. help hello1 help laughing9 laughing9

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Dreamer90
Posted: Tuesday, February 11, 2014 4:18:13 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/29/2013
Posts: 226
Location: Stuck in 68, Germany
laughing3

Ashtar
Posted: Thursday, February 13, 2014 3:15:26 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 8/22/2011
Posts: 4
Location: United States
Ty Pixie - that was hilarious and a much needed laughing roll on the floor after a long day. I would suggest next time he listen to the cat.
Guest
Posted: Friday, February 14, 2014 7:15:28 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,086
I have tears in my eyes so bad I can hardly see the screen.sign5 sign5
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