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Why would anyone like to be humiliated and degraded? Options · View
Elling50
Posted: Tuesday, March 26, 2013 5:25:37 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/7/2013
Posts: 117
Location: Norway
I must admit that bdsm is a strange country to me, but I have read some intriguing stories here. I think I can understand the want to be dominated, to let go of some of the responsibilities of own actions, beeng led into territory you would not dare to go alone - by a person you love and trust and will not let you be hurt.

But why would anyone want to go into a relationship where they are humiliated and demeaned and degraded by their master? Will that not destroy trust and selfrespect?
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, March 26, 2013 5:44:12 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,411
Personally I don't know... but I do know that not all BDSM relationships involve being demeaned and degraded.
Shylass
Posted: Tuesday, March 26, 2013 5:53:52 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,595
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
Elling50 wrote:
I must admit that bdsm is a strange country to me, but I have read some intriguing stories here. I think I can understand the want to be dominated, to let go of some of the responsibilities of own actions, beeng led into territory you would not dare to go alone - by a person you love and trust and will not let you be hurt.

But why would anyone want to go into a relationship where they are humiliated and demeaned and degraded by their master? Will that not destroy trust and selfrespect?


Try reading through this thread to gain a better understanding of what BDSM is about: http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst18882_BDSM-101.aspx

It may help answer some of your questions, and give you a better overview than fantastical or made-up stories. It's hard to know which are realistic when we don't know much about something, or we only have vague ideas thrown at us by the media and people we know or watch on reality shows.



Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
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jerseylynn
Posted: Wednesday, April 03, 2013 4:57:42 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 1,391
Location: around and about Hell, United States
Everybody has something that turns them on. With that being said as long as it's Sane, Safe and Consensual we don't have to understand what turns another on. Just knowing what turns us on is all that really matters. Find the person that has the same likes as you do and let others do their thing as you do yours. Part of being human is not understanding.....just saying

No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
Ravyn
Posted: Wednesday, April 03, 2013 11:37:59 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,090
Location: Bend, United States
Elling50 wrote:
I must admit that bdsm is a strange country to me, but I have read some intriguing stories here. I think I can understand the want to be dominated, to let go of some of the responsibilities of own actions, beeng led into territory you would not dare to go alone - by a person you love and trust and will not let you be hurt.

But why would anyone want to go into a relationship where they are humiliated and demeaned and degraded by their master? Will that not destroy trust and selfrespect?


We can't nor should we judge another for what 'turns' them on (and OP I am not saying that you are).

Everyone is into what they are into. We may not understand it but they have the right to peruse what they want as long as its done in a safe and consensual manner. I can't speak as to why one would enjoy humiliation or degradation as its not my thing. Many do not understand various aspects of this lifestyle and there are many sides to it.

Serena42069
Posted: Saturday, April 06, 2013 6:47:11 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/5/2013
Posts: 5
Location: United States
Humiliation and degradation are two different things. Degradation is not my thing, but there are forms of humiliation that are very effective. Humiliation comes in many different forms and can be a great tool to mentally dominate a sub. Here is a fantastic article that might help explain. The methods (all except a couple) were very effective for me, he has my mind & body.

well the link won't show up in the post?
ok, read the rules, I guess I will post the link after I make 20 posts, lol.
Elling50
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 1:22:54 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/7/2013
Posts: 117
Location: Norway
I am trying to learn and understand here, not put anyone down.

For me it is important to treat other people with respect, and most of all those you are is a near relationship with. I have through my work seen relations where one partner is abusing and destroying the other - and psychological abuse can be just as destroying as physical violence.

I guess I am not wired for BDSM, but I would think that there must be a mutual respect between Dom and Sub, and a trust that the Dom is not going to damage his/her sub physically or psychologically.

Is that what you mean by difference between humiliation and degrading? Humiliation is pushing your limit into embarassing and awkward territory that may be or become likable anyhow? But degradation is abuse.

But do you agree that the relationship between Dom and Sub should have a mutual respect, that the Dom is not more worth as a human beeng then his/her Sub, and that a Dom should not damage a Sub?
Ravyn
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 1:53:55 AM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,090
Location: Bend, United States
Elling50 wrote:
I am trying to learn and understand here, not put anyone down.

For me it is important to treat other people with respect, and most of all those you are is a near relationship with. I have through my work seen relations where one partner is abusing and destroying the other - and psychological abuse can be just as destroying as physical violence.

I guess I am not wired for BDSM, but I would think that there must be a mutual respect between Dom and Sub, and a trust that the Dom is not going to damage his/her sub physically or psychologically.

Is that what you mean by difference between humiliation and degrading? Humiliation is pushing your limit into embarassing and awkward territory that may be or become likable anyhow? But degradation is abuse.

But do you agree that the relationship between Dom and Sub should have a mutual respect, that the Dom is not more worth as a human beeng then his/her Sub, and that a Dom should not damage a Sub?


You are correct the Dom is NOT in any way better or worth more than his sub. Being a submissive does not mean they are worthless or a doormat or any other name you can think of. It takes so much strength to submit to another. There has to be a lot of trust and respect on BOTH sides. Its not all a one sided relationship as many many think.

It's a lot like a vanilla relationship in as far as that there must be trust and respect. The control and submission are just one part that the submissive needs. So much goes into this type of relationship. Its the Dominants job to love and protect his sub while making sure that her needs are met just as its her greatest desire to please and serve her Master. That is where her satisfaction comes from. The submissive sets the tone for the relationship. A True Dom/Master takes care of and will not damage his submissive physically or mentally. So many have that misconception and many others about the lifestyle.

As for the humiliation and degradation, I can't really speak to much about for I am not into either. Many need and want this type of dynamic in their relationship. Just as some want pain and others just want control. Again, its very specific to each D/s relationship and not a template for all kind of thing.

I am sure many others can eloquently say it better than I, but that is my My 2 cents

I hope that helps.

BabydollSlave
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 6:54:37 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/15/2012
Posts: 483
Location: Been All Around The World , Japan
Ravyn wrote:


You are correct the Dom is NOT in any way better or worth more than his sub. Being a submissive does not mean they are worthless or a doormat or any other name you can think of. It takes so much strength to submit to another. There has to be a lot of trust and respect on BOTH sides. Its not all a one sided relationship as many many think.

It's a lot like a vanilla relationship in as far as that there must be trust and respect. The control and submission are just one part that the submissive needs. So much goes into this type of relationship. Its the Dominants job to love and protect his sub while making sure that her needs are met just as its her greatest desire to please and serve her Master. That is where her satisfaction comes from. The submissive sets the tone for the relationship. A True Dom/Master takes care of and will not damage his submissive physically or mentally. So many have that misconception and many others about the lifestyle.

As for the humiliation and degradation, I can't really speak to much about for I am not into either. Many need and want this type of dynamic in their relationship. Just as some want pain and others just want control. Again, its very specific to each D/s relationship and not a template for all kind of thing.

I am sure many others can eloquently say it better than I, but that is my My 2 cents

I hope that helps.


i dont think anyone could speak more eloquent then that, Ravyn. you said it beautifully and informative. always in awe Embarassed

my newest :)
Shylass
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 7:18:16 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,595
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
jerseylynn wrote:
Everybody has something that turns them on. With that being said as long as it's Sane, Safe and Consensual we don't have to understand what turns another on. Just knowing what turns us on is all that really matters. Find the person that has the same likes as you do and let others do their thing as you do yours. Part of being human is not understanding.....just saying


I agree we don't have to understand everything about everything. In fact, some things are better left not understood sometimes.

But for myself, I am less likely to react negatively to certain people and their preferences if I have at least a little understanding of what it is they like, and perhaps a little of why that is.

I have found that quite a few people who like the BDSM element on here have been quick to tell me privately as well as publicly not to bother trying to understand anything. I might never grasp the full implications and subtleties, but I'm damned if I'm not going to bother trying to gain a little insight into certain lifetsyles and cultures to do with how humans behave in close relationships, interact and get intimate. To me, that's how ignorance and prejudice start.

That's just my opinion, obviously. Just because I can't think like a different individual does to myself, I don't think that I should sit back and not try to see the world fom their point of view, even if it's only for a short time. For me, trying to put myself outside my own little world for a minute helps me to grow as a person. I have a lot of growing to do with regards to sexuality, and I think that it's a good thing we don't all sit back constantly and just let others get on with their thing without at least examining how we feel about some of it.

And who knows, if I understood a little, I might find that I liked it too, rather than running away from it.


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Poppet
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 8:33:11 AM

Rank: Sweetest Cricket

Joined: 10/5/2012
Posts: 5,256
Location: You Inspire Me, United States
I personally am not into demeaned and degraded, so that I can’t answer. I don’t know, to be honest.

When it comes to Humiliation though, I am not huge into it, but I do find random times to do this to my pet. He may be uncomfortable, or embarrassed as it’s happening, but I always ask once we’re done if he liked it. And he does, he says the risk, or the chance of what we’re doing is hot.

For example: The other night we were on a Skype call, and he lives at home with his family. No one was home at first, and he was downstairs watching a film, and we were hanging out as normal. Well, then his sister came home, and she was hyper and talkative. She sat down watching the film with him. I of course could see and hear everything since we were on call.

After about an hour or so, I decided that I was going to be playful. I knew the sister couldn't hear me, my pet had headphones on. I started asking him what he’d do if I started moaning, and touching myself. I saw him go beat red right away. He side glanced his sister. I said would it turn you on? And he went on to say no, by shaking his head. I said are you sure about that? And went on to moan a little for him. I could see he was a little uncomfortable, and his eyes were huge. This went on for a little bit, he kept trying to convince me he wasn't turned on. I knew otherwise. Not long after his folks got home so he went up stairs. I asked again if it turned him on. He confessed that it did, but it was embarrassing but also hot.

So, not all humiliation is bad. Sure, some can. I guess mine’s usually more playful like that. Yes, some people might not like that at all. But, some do. I guess it’s all in what you like.

overmykneenow
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 10:55:03 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,024
Location: United Kingdom
A lot of the issues regarding understanding of BDSM relationships aren't really due to some esoteric nuances that only people in the lifestyle are privilege to - it's usually just down to a lack of understanding of the personality types involved.

A common misconception is that doms are extrovert types and subs are introvert - this just isn't the case. While any combination is possible the most likely types you will find are introvert dom/introvert sub. The rules you see in the thread about BDSM 101 (link posted above by Shylass) suit introvert subs and doms. This is often why extrovert subs and doms are considered "not serious".

Humiliation/degradation needn't and shouldn't be psychologically damaging. People can indulge in what many would consider degrading (adult nappies, cissy play etc) but the individuals may just find them enjoyable. Others may see pet play/kitty play as harmless fun, while others could see it as dehumanisation, which comes with all manner of psychological darkness.

We all know someone who'll be first up at the karaoke bar to strangle to death "Sweet Child o' Mine", we also know people who would be physically sick at thought of having to do that.

Some people just like different things.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
Elling50
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 11:37:59 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/7/2013
Posts: 117
Location: Norway
Perhaps it comes down to language. My understanding of the word is when you treat someone as lesser worth and do not protect them from damage, as I think permanently humiliating and demeaning another human will do. I do not mean the games played between people that have mutual respect and compassion for each other; making your boyfriend embarrassed in presence of family, wearing diapers etc. Is that the essence here; differentiating between games and the other parts of the relationship?
Some people like different things, and the diversity of human nature is a good thing, and an exciting thing trying to understand.
Serena42069
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 3:11:42 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/5/2013
Posts: 5
Location: United States
I sent a couple of links to Elling50 so hopefully he will post them for you as I have been a bit distracted by life and have not posted 20 times yet, lol. But here is an excerpt from a blog that that I am quite addicted to at the moment (it discusses many aspects of D/s such as objectification ect...and does so very well)This is just a couple of paragraphs from his humiliation blog. One of the links I gave is to this particular blog.

"Perhaps you think this is all rather coarse, even a bit messy. Maybe you thought me a more sophisticated fellow. But if you really want to humiliate a girl, bring her face to face with just how needy and greedy she is for sex, you have to get down and dirty once in a while. So, the question now is, what’s in it for me, to make her do these things? (For have no doubt, she will do them if I tell her to. She’ll curl up inside with embarrassment, but she’s well beyond the point where she can say no to me.)

One thing I undoubtedly feel is a sense of power. I get a surge of sexual adrenalin making her do these things. You can call it sadism if you like. It’s a pleasure to me to see just how far I can push her, how much power I actually have to make her do things she’s ashamed of. But I wouldn’t really enjoy them unless I knew how excited I was making her. She blushes, she dies of shame, but she gets wetter and wetter. It’s not just that she wants to please me, though that desire is always strong in her. It’s also arousing to her to have her inhibitions stripped away, to be forced to confront her base desires. Because however much she claims she only does what she does to please me, there’s no doubt there’s a bedrock need, a craving deep inside her for the sheer physical pleasure of sex. She’s a slut, she knows it, but sometimes she needs a push before she can bring herself to admit it.

There’s a certain circularity in this description, I’ll admit. She gets aroused because she knows what she does arouses me. I get aroused because I know making her do these things arouses her. She wants to know where it begins, and if it’s reciprocal isn’t she demanding parity when what she wants is to be submissive? I reassure her. I’m the one who takes the initiative. I’m the one who dictates the script. And if it ever comes to making a choice between what I really want and what she wants, we will do what I want. She knows that. It’s what she wants. Oh dear, here we go round again…."
Elling50
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 3:28:31 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/7/2013
Posts: 117
Location: Norway
This did obviously not work. New try:

Sexual dynamics on humiliation

Sensual mind games
Serena42069
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 5:02:36 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/5/2013
Posts: 5
Location: United States
Elling50 wrote:
This did obviously not work. New try:

Sexual dynamics on humiliation

Sensual mind games


lol...

thank you for posting the links for me
sprite
Posted: Sunday, April 07, 2013 8:14:24 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,619
Location: My Tower, United States
a few thoughts, one actually. there is a huge difference between a Domme saying/doing things to humiliate their sub because they know it sexually arouses the s sub to be treated like that and a Domme who really means them. Subs are going to know the difference, and recognize it for what is is; the Domme looking after the needs of the sub, feeding that arousal for the sake of the sub, not because of any real need to degrade them. in a way, it's roleplay and the sub knows that they don't truly mean those things, no matter how convincing they might act/sound.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Peter242
Posted: Thursday, April 25, 2013 1:58:33 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 3/4/2008
Posts: 55
Just to be clear, when thinking of a dom it is not just a male preserve. Women are great at being the dom. Why be humiliated? Well when you are across the ladies lap or bent over waiting for the cane the adrenalin is really pumping. If you have to face the wall with your hands on your head while she berates you, or sit on the floor at her feet, or stand still while she slaps your face, then the adrenalin still runs fast and you get a high. Well I do anyway.
Ravyn
Posted: Thursday, April 25, 2013 8:19:39 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,090
Location: Bend, United States
Peter242 wrote:
Just to be clear, when thinking of a dom it is not just a male preserve. Women are great at being the dom.


From what I have learned thus far women are referred to as Domme or Mistress, the term Dom does in fact go towards being male not female.

BlackTalon
Posted: Thursday, April 25, 2013 8:42:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/19/2013
Posts: 55
Location: United States
The vernacular to include both sexes is Dom/me.... much simpler than typing 47 titles(slight exaggeration)

*most likely because Mastress sounds like something to sleep on*

Knowledge is nothing if not shared, with your slave, your community, and those wishing to enter into it. So I will continue to look for topics to give My opinion about, yes opinion.

*** Disclaimer ***
My way of thinking doesn't fit everyone, nor does anyone elses, it is not My intention to tell anyone else here how they must see or do things, as there are as many views of what "the life" means to people as there are people in it.
kenobi
Posted: Thursday, July 03, 2014 2:44:19 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 15
Yes I love humiliation and being degraded, it makes me horny and the worse humiliation the better.
jennahalfpenny
Posted: Friday, July 04, 2014 12:45:42 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/17/2014
Posts: 1
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Some ppl have no interest in BDSM, kink, beastality or any other sexual deviation, for others its purely sexual, to let their desires run wild whenever possible, nothing wrong in either lifestyle, but there are those who live this lifestyle because its who they are , its how they see life as being normal, no different to anyone else in life, im one of these people and I love my life.



1LovelyKinkyKitsune
Posted: Monday, July 21, 2014 3:00:04 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/5/2014
Posts: 927
Location: ♥
For some it actually turns THEM on... the submissive... I hear this in cuckold, and wife swap things I have read, and even people have told me about their personal lives. I have looked at pictures of implements that look torturous as well as grotesque. I have heard of people craving to be called all sorts of derrogatory names. For some, it is punishment, control, and for some, they WANT and enjoy the punishment and degradation that comes with humilation.


I cannot say as I understand -personally speaking, either, it is not the aspects of BDSM I am into. There is so much diversity in kinks. What might seem hellish to one person might be highly arousing and significant to another. I enjoy sex studies and learning.

I wish those into it would explain more.


CTYankee
Posted: Monday, July 21, 2014 7:32:33 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 11/5/2013
Posts: 1
My husband did not put up with it the one time it was tried. It was not my idea. It was the idea of my old Boy Friend. I let things get out of my control the day before and did not get home until around 9:00 the next morning. My husband trapped us in the drive. My husband was nice enough to listen to my plea to take the coming argument off the street, into the house.
My husband has been without feeling in his legs for 4 years due to MRSA in his spine eating the disks and bone causing a spinal slip crushing his spinal cord. It gave the man I was with an idea, He did not like getting called out by my husband. We lead the way in as my husband unblocked my Boy friends car, then he followed us in using his heavy cane for support. My boyfriend said watch this as he kicked the cane off the floor, dumping my husband face first in the living room, he started laughing at my husband and said pathetic, he asked me how I could have married this loser. I have seen the look on my husbands face only one time before. Then four men were hurt badly, I was not laughing when that cane hurtled past my head like a spear, My BF ended the day with a fractured scull
purpleshade
Posted: Monday, July 21, 2014 9:07:46 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/25/2012
Posts: 146
Location: Hearts and Minds, United Kingdom
Elling50 wrote:
I must admit that bdsm is a strange country to me, but I have read some intriguing stories here. I think I can understand the want to be dominated, to let go of some of the responsibilities of own actions, beeng led into territory you would not dare to go alone - by a person you love and trust and will not let you be hurt.

But why would anyone want to go into a relationship where they are humiliated and demeaned and degraded by their master? Will that not destroy trust and selfrespect?


I agree with what you're saying. Many years ago I was with a woman to who I showed a lot of respect. She seemed edgy most of the time, she didn't really have a great orgasm. One day during foreplay, she wanted to pretend to be raped, I played along but nothing violent, just pinning her down. She fantasised about being raped, she had the best orgasm ever.

Ever since that day, during foreplay, she insisted on being verbally abused. Even during penetration she needed to be sworn at.

To this day, I cannot understand why she needed humiliation, especially since I showed her a great deal of respect.

Like some of the other replies here, maybe different things work for different people. I personally do not care for the humiliation side.....
positivetension
Posted: Thursday, July 24, 2014 6:47:51 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/22/2011
Posts: 143
Location: West coast, USA
Holy necro thread! But I suppose it's still a thing people wonder about....

I'm not much into humiliation play, but most of my fantasies revolve around different degradation scenarios (from affectionate to condescending to dismissive). The appeal for me is the chance to feel small. I am very responsible. When I have something to focus on, I work hard. People tend to place a lot of expectations on me and come to me for help. I don't feel free to just be a mess, I have to keep my shit together. It can all get exhausting and trigger a lot of anxiety.

Getting to play at being less-than can be a huge mental vacation when I'm under stress. Falling into a role of innate inferiority, being tasked with laughably simple things, giving up the burden of responsibility completely...it feels like an enormous weight being lifted. I would be outraged by that treatment from some random person in day-to-day life. When it's part of consensual play, with someone you respect and who understands, scratching that itch is an enormous relief.



The fear and the yearning
It's gonna eat you alive
Meggsy
Posted: Friday, July 25, 2014 10:32:28 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/23/2013
Posts: 306
Location: Australia
Sexual contact for me is pleasure. Degradation or humiliation is not on my agenda in any way shape or form.
SirDominic
Posted: Monday, July 28, 2014 6:57:22 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 7/10/2014
Posts: 51
Everything turns into a debate, when it just needs to be action. Stop judging people.
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