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DandR4ever
Posted: Sunday, April 28, 2013 12:58:17 AM

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Location: United States
can a couple rekindle after both were caught cheating???
Milly
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 4:41:39 AM

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Joined: 4/17/2012
Posts: 298
Location: Wherever I lay my head, United Kingdom
I can't speak for all couples - we're all different. What some can forgive and forget, others cannot.

Personally though, if someone has an affair/cheats, that's it. Finished.

I know I would always hold that against them if I were to "forgive them".
luvlustfulsex
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 6:19:44 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 2/25/2013
Posts: 5
Location: United States
I can yell you from personal experience that you never forget it and the pain never truly goes away. If not for having kids involved, I would have thrown her ass to the curb years ago.
Dani
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 8:45:08 AM

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Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 4,719
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
Milly wrote:
I can't speak for all couples - we're all different. What some can forgive and forget, others cannot.

Personally though, if someone has an affair/cheats, that's it. Finished.

I know I would always hold that against them if I were to "forgive them".


Exactly this!!! Trust is everything to me, and once that's been violated/betrayed, there's no going back for me. I've been cheated on and tried to make things work, but all it did was add resentfulness and bitterness on top of the hurt and betrayal I felt. I guess it varies from relationship to relationship...especially if there's marriage and kids involved. But if you can make a conscious decision to physically or even emotionally give away something that was meant for us and us alone, in my book there's nothing to salvage.



Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

DikDango
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 8:47:06 AM

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Location: United Kingdom
How would you feel if your partner cheated on you with someone of the same sex?

Dani
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 9:27:15 AM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch

Joined: 12/25/2010
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Location: Under Your Bed, United States
DikDango wrote:
How would you feel if your partner cheated on you with someone of the same sex?


That has nothing to do with it. Cheating is cheating, in my book. It wouldn't make a difference to me if my boyfriend got pounded by a dick or slammed his dick into a vagina. The fact remains that he cheated.



Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

DikDango
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 9:33:24 AM

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Joined: 4/13/2013
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Location: United Kingdom
slipperywhenwet2012 wrote:


That has nothing to do with it. Cheating is cheating, in my book. It wouldn't make a difference to me if my boyfriend got pounded by a dick or slammed his dick into a vagina. The fact remains that he cheated.


Thats my sentiments exactly was just asking because recently me partner cheated on me with another woman and she says its different because it was with another woman and its something that i can't offer her

Dani
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 9:45:44 AM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 4,719
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
DikDango wrote:


Thats my sentiments exactly was just asking because recently me partner cheated on me with another woman and she says its different because it was with another woman and its something that i can't offer her


So she's justifying her cheating by making it your fault somehow? As if it's your fault you were born with a penis? As if she didn't know you had a penis going into the relationship? As if she weren't aware of the limited (no offense) abilities of said penis? Seems like she's just trying to get into your head and make you blame yourself, which is one of the most vile forms of manipulation. If she can feel justified in her cheating, then you should know where you stand. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Know your worth, and do what you need to do in order for you to be happy, because it seems as if her only concern is herself.



Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

DikDango
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 9:50:20 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/13/2013
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Location: United Kingdom
slipperywhenwet2012 wrote:


So she's justifying her cheating by making it your fault somehow? As if it's your fault you were born with a penis? As if she didn't know you had a penis going into the relationship? As if she weren't aware of the limited (no offense) abilities of said penis? Seems like she's just trying to get into your head and make you blame yourself, which is one of the most vile forms of manipulation. If she can feel justified in her cheating, then you should know where you stand. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Know your worth, and do what you need to do in order for you to be happy, because it seems as if her only concern is herself.


Thanks very much for your honest and detailed reply and on a side note when i go to look at your profile i shit myself when that music starts up

BelleduJour
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 10:13:49 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,509
Location: Canada
Milly wrote:
I can't speak for all couples - we're all different. What some can forgive and forget, others cannot.

Personally though, if someone has an affair/cheats, that's it. Finished.

I know I would always hold that against them if I were to "forgive them".


Amen! Thankfully I haven't been with anyone that has cheated on me (or at least not to my knowledge) but cheating of ANY kind (and we all know that many people on here have their own versions of what constitutes cheating depending on how it benefits them) is a means for immediate dismissal! No exceptions. Trust is HUGE for me and I have a hard time with it at the best of times never mind if/when someone cheats and breaks it. It's o-v-e-r!

Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 11:04:28 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,300
Location: West Coast
DandR4ever wrote:
can a couple rekindle after both were caught cheating???


If there's *any* lingering resentment or anger over it, it will come out in other ways and affect the relationship. That's what happened to me when I took back an ex-bf that had cheated. I thought I could forgive and forget but there was lingering distrust and resentment that showed up in some subtle (and some not so subtle) ways in the first six months after we got back together. Finally he called me out on it and we talked and I realized that I had to find a way to put it behind me and not keep subconsciously punishing him for it. After much effort on my part, things finally normalized. Until a couple of years later when - go figure - the fucker cheated again. Habitual cheaters are just wired differently.

In your situation, you've technically set a precedent for cheating being the default behaviour when the relationship is on the rocks. Yes, you can come back together and try to repair and re-energize the relationship and will likely have some success for the first while. But inevitably things will probably slip if you don't fix the underlying issues, and that urge may be there again and since you already did it once, it's always easier the second time around. Proceed with caution.


ManInNewHampshire
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 11:06:25 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/23/2013
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Location: Under the radar, United States
My wife did have sex with someone else. I don't know who but there were times when she would come home and I can smell sex. She also would never want sex for a day after.
We lasted a while and she stopped. But I couldn't live with the lack of trust. We got divorced.
Leiza350
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 12:56:18 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/22/2012
Posts: 415
Location: ft myers, United States
The only thing i trust is the fact that a man away from home is going to have sex if it presents it self to him.Und really why worry, unless it turns into an affair....2 things i told my husband , when you are traveling, dont bring any thing home ......if u do its going to be hell ....und ... if your little fling turns into more ....go be with her .....cuzz i kan get mi own play mate ....this is mi 2nd marrage, so people have sex ......i really dont think about it when he is out, if he wants to he kan bring me home some left overs .....
Lea!
3some
By the way, I have had ..NO ONE sense I said mi vows .....aaaaaahhhh well ....there was ...........................
Guest
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 1:13:45 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,771
DikDango wrote:


she says its different because it was with another woman and its something that i can't offer her


Thats a ludicrous argument. She cant offer you another womans pussy, so I guess you should go get some.
Ruthie
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 2:21:57 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 10/21/2010
Posts: 2,399
Location: United States
Once trust is broken, it's nearly impossible to get it fixed. A relationship can never be the same if there is cheating.
Magical_felix
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 3:15:55 PM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,908
Location: California
Someone who cheats on you will always cheat on you one way or another. You may think they have changed and they are very hurt over letting you down blah blah blah but people who cheat don't mess up or slip up, it is just the way they are. You are cheating yourself by trusting a cheater.



lacr0236
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 3:47:04 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 7/30/2011
Posts: 79
Location: South East, United States
The Wife and I were going to experiment with swapping. She talked to a mutual male/couple friend of ours... as of late she was more of his friend than me... next thing I know it is only going to be a 3 way mmf. But I go along and we set up ground rules that I must be present… and be made aware of any conversations of the subject. We do it a couple times... next thing I know she is setting up a play time with him while I am out of town (she didn’t quite delete all of her texts) she say it’s over (been 2 yrs now) but I still don’t trust her… probably never completely will. And now if opportunity would present its self I probably would cheat myself
emersonbosworth
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 4:21:33 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/9/2013
Posts: 241
Location: United States
my wife cheated on me, then I had a friend of mine start fucking her and we shared her, one fucking her and the other she sucked off, then we switched. loved it couldn't get enough of him fucking her, so I let her fuck others too, as long as she told me about them, maybe not for everyone, but I'm pretty nasty and have been.
Sweet_N_Naughty
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 4:48:45 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/11/2012
Posts: 162
Location: United States
For me personally..NO..you want to go cheat ....there is the door go get the person you want ...and do not turn back ....that door will never open

Once a cheat always a cheat

you Sit and ask your self the 100's and 100's of questions ''what I did wrong '' i know i dam well did, nothing for me to be ashamed of i did that i know i was not the 1st or last person for that to happen

To me...I may be wrong.....Why they do not say i want more this not working out end the relationship or try to fix

IF person say ''baby 1 is not enough'' to me if 1 not enough why get into a ''Relationship''


Be single forever

then they can have who they want and when they want





Lisa
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 6:24:20 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,190
Location: Victoria, Australia
DandR4ever wrote:
can a couple rekindle after both were caught cheating???


If they both want to reconnect and they're committed to fixing the problems in their relationship, I don't see why it can't work with some effort.

If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true and people really weren't capable of change, then "once a monogamous person, always a monogamous person" should also be true. If a person was faithful at one point, they can be again. (If they want to be.)
Magical_felix
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 6:53:06 PM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,908
Location: California
Lisa wrote:


If they both want to reconnect and they're committed to fixing the problems in their relationship, I don't see why it can't work with some effort.

If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true and people really weren't capable of change, then "once a monogamous person, always a monogamous person" should also be true. If a person was faithful at one point, they can be again. (If they want to be.)


Hmm.. I don't think that is one of the cases where you can try to see the flip side and say it must be true as well. That would mean a cheater is back to being faithful again in the period in between they cheat again. Every friend that I have who is a cheater cheats and cheats again no matter how many times they are caught. You will find cheaters have an incredible superficial charm to them and some people just fall for it. I have been with married women and I'm telling you.. There are these moments where I am observing them and I swear... They could probably be capable of murder if they think they could get away with it.



Dani
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 6:57:52 PM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch

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Lisa wrote:


If they both want to reconnect and they're committed to fixing the problems in their relationship, I don't see why it can't work with some effort.

If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true and people really weren't capable of change, then "once a monogamous person, always a monogamous person" should also be true. If a person was faithful at one point, they can be again. (If they want to be.)


It doesn't work that way. Once a monogamous person cheats, then by definition, they are no longer monogamous. How many times does a person have to lie to be a liar? Or steal to be a thief? I applaud people who bounce back and work things out after being cheated on, but in my experience and from what I've seen, a lot of "moving on" constitutes sweeping it under the rug. Or doing your best to make like it never happened. But it's always there lingering on the surface.

Being monogamous represents trust, loyalty and commitment. Being a cheater represents the opposite of all of those things. Do you ever fully trust a traitor? Of course not. Everyone's monogamous up until the point they start cheating, after that it's out of the window. So no, after cheating on someone, once monogamous always monogamous doesn't exist. It's a sweet notion, but no.



Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

anonymouslylush
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 7:19:17 PM

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I think everyone is dffierent and how they internalize things. For me, I was always the girl that said "If a guy cheats on me, I am done. Screw him. I am going to toss his shit out." And then it happened. I was married and my husband had an affair. It broke my heart, but to me, marriage is forever. I tried to work it out with him, but both parties have to be willing to do the work to make things right. And you both have to be very honest with each other and more importantly, with yourself about why you cheated and what is going to cause you or prevent you from making the same mistake.

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
— Gilda Radner

Lisa
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 7:23:02 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,190
Location: Victoria, Australia
Magical_felix wrote:


Hmm.. I don't think that is one of the cases where you can try to see the flip side and say it must be true as well. That would mean a cheater is back to being faithful again in the period in between they cheat again. Every friend that I have who is a cheater cheats and cheats again no matter how many times they are caught. You will find cheaters have an incredible superficial charm to them and some people just fall for it. I have been with married women and I'm telling you.. There are these moments where I am observing them and I swear... They could probably be capable of murder if they think they could get away with it.


That's a bit scary!

I didn't mean it that way exactly. I'm referring more to people who've been faithful to their partner for years and somewhere along the way something changes in their relationship that results in them cheating rather than talking about the problems with their partner. If they're capable of being faithful at one point I believe they're capable of it again.

I get the impression that the people you're referring to see cheating as a thrill. They don't seem suited to relationships in the first place.
Lisa
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 7:28:09 PM

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Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,190
Location: Victoria, Australia
slipperywhenwet2012 wrote:
It doesn't work that way. Once a monogamous person cheats, then by definition, they are no longer monogamous. How many times does a person have to lie to be a liar? Or steal to be a thief? I applaud people who bounce back and work things out after being cheated on, but in my experience and from what I've seen, a lot of "moving on" constitutes sweeping it under the rug. Or doing your best to make like it never happened. But it's always there lingering on the surface.


That's kind of what I'm getting at. My point is that people are capable of change, whether it's in a negative way or a positive way. Just because a person has been monogamous at one point doesn't mean they'll always be monogamous. Just because a person has cheated once doesn't mean they'll cheat in every relationship from then on. People are capable of growth and change. Not always in a good way.
Guest
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 7:29:25 PM

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i think if you are caught cheating that is it. go straight to jail dont pass go and dont collect $200
Dani
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2013 9:26:57 PM

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Joined: 12/25/2010
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Lisa wrote:


That's kind of what I'm getting at. My point is that people are capable of change, whether it's in a negative way or a positive way. Just because a person has been monogamous at one point doesn't mean they'll always be monogamous. Just because a person has cheated once doesn't mean they'll cheat in every relationship from then on. People are capable of growth and change. Not always in a good way.


Absolutely. Cheaters can learn a lesson and be prosperous in OTHER relationships. But it takes a drastic lesson for that change to take place. If cheating occurs in a relationship and that person is given a second chance, it's bound to happen again...within that specific relationship. The chances are pretty high for repeat offenses of cheating within a relationship. As with any offense. If you could do the same thing over and over again and virtually get away with it, most people would. Think of it this way: I've been stealing all my life...never got caught. I get caught one time...slap on the wrist, released back into society...back with my same crowd. Getting back into my old habits. I get caught a few more times and the same thing happens each time. Finally I get some serious jail time. I "supposedly" reform after an extended period of time. I have one of two choices after my release. I can learn from it and leave it all behind and move on. Find a new crowd and attempt to become a functioning non-stealing member of society. Or I find my old crowd again. In the beginning I'm all, "Oh no. I've changed. I won't go back. I've learned my lesson." But the temptation is too great. They come up with a fool proof method. I most definitely WILL NOT get caught this time around. I then have a decision to make.

It's the same with cheating. Yes a cheater can reform. But they have to be separated from what they know to reform. It's very rare that a cheater can change his/her ways within the relationship with the person they cheated on. When this person puts their foot down and says, "No. It wasn't OK. You don't get a second chance." And if you meant a lot to them, and they fuck it up, chances are they won't do it again should love find them a second time around.




Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

Ruthie
Posted: Tuesday, April 30, 2013 12:42:11 AM

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Posts: 2,399
Location: United States
Lisa wrote:


That's kind of what I'm getting at. My point is that people are capable of change, whether it's in a negative way or a positive way. Just because a person has been monogamous at one point doesn't mean they'll always be monogamous. Just because a person has cheated once doesn't mean they'll cheat in every relationship from then on. People are capable of growth and change. Not always in a good way.


Regaining the trust that is lost when one partner cheats on the other in a relationship is harder for some people than others. I'm not sure that total trust can ever be regained. I've known couples who split up the first time one of them cheated, and I've known others who have stayed together and worked it out. It's hard to just give up on a relationship because of one incident of cheating. There is always the thought that maybe we can work it out.

For the people who are talking about mate swapping and threesomes, etc., I don't think that is quite the same thing as cheating. If both partners in a relationship want the same thing and agree on it, then there is no trust issue involved. What I mean by cheating is to betray the trust of the person you love. If you really love them, then you shouldn't even think about betraying them. It hurts to be the one being cheated on.
It's not just the sex, it's the deception and lying that go along with it. If cheating was just a sexual act, like masturbating, it wouldn't be nearly as painful. It's the emotional damage that's hard to overcome.



overmykneenow
Posted: Tuesday, April 30, 2013 1:10:02 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,024
Location: United Kingdom
I guess it depends on the circumstances surrounding both parties cheating but I wouldn't hold out much hope of full trust returning.

If they both cheated independently, ie without knowledge of the other's infidelity, then maybe they deserve each other - it's up to them to decide whether or not they can bear being with someone who is just as bad as they are but maybe they can carry on together in an open relationship. If one partner cheated as a revenge fuck for the other's infidelity, I'd say there's little or no hope for them long term.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

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Guest
Posted: Tuesday, April 30, 2013 1:25:16 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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DandR4ever wrote:
can a couple rekindle after both were caught cheating???


I don't believe one would ever rekindle the same charge. And after loving with a certain frame of mind and soul...it will be difficult to love the same person with a jaded mind and soul. If it did survive, it would take years, I'd imagine, to return anywhere close to the love you once had. Good luck.
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