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Why do men find it offensive when a woman is submissive? Options · View
Guest
Posted: Monday, May 09, 2011 5:14:14 AM

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I wonder about the language used here - Offensive? Where the guys you mention offended! I wonder if unconfortable, unwilling to participate, uncertain of how to participate, would perhaps have been a more appropriate use of language.

I find it difficult to imagine that I would be offended, confused, uncomfortable etc etc, would be my thoughts and feelings on the matter. as with any choice you make, its about finding the common ground - and most importantly being happy with that choice.

There are so many factors why I and maybe the guys you speak of, react in the way you mention, this may not be very useful but I am torn between offering an explanation and wondering if the explanation would maybe affect your behaviour/beliefs/values. Its a little like having to explain a persons sense of humour, I remember a few years ago, the UK was gripped by Little Briitain fever, several sketches failed to taise even a titter from my good self, in a water cooler moment I asked the many people who were wetting there knickers with laughter why it was funny! Each and everyone of the laughing hyenas couldn't explain why is was indeed funny - and one even said I had spoiled their fun by asking such a question - everyone stopped laughing and called me a killjoy...not a nice moment.

This is how I feel about this question too - so with that in mind I'm not going to explain, I'm going to state the obvious - Don't worry be Happy - with your choices - you will find the right guy who can provide you with what you desire.

Keep on keeping on....

thumbup
Guest
Posted: Monday, May 09, 2011 4:15:57 PM

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Guest
Posted: Monday, May 09, 2011 4:21:20 PM

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Very well said..
redneckleader
Posted: Thursday, May 12, 2011 2:59:04 AM

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Location: orlando
I like being the dominant one just as much as i like being submissive. I love for a woman to take control and use me. I once was in the process of dating a dominatrix and it was amazing. I love the way that I was treated but then again I love treating my woman the same way some times.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, May 12, 2011 4:32:52 PM

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it's a fine line. there are tons of factors -- the woman, her mood, how the night is going, etc. You really have to judge it case by case, test it a little bit, see how she reacts and then move forward. I personally believe there's a separation in the bedroom from outside of it. There has to be. Especially if you're married or in a long term relationship. You can't bring bills, errands, everyday chores, etc into the bedroom.

But I love to be dominant when she's into it. I don't feel the slightest bit bad about it. It doesn't mean I'm a prick afterward. It's bringing fantasy into sex.
John
Posted: Friday, May 13, 2011 4:35:15 AM

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I love submissive women. For me it is a big turn on in the bedroom!
Fugly
Posted: Friday, May 13, 2011 5:04:42 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 1,004
I think the only time men would find it offensive is if they had to make every single decision for you. Some men love having a sex slave in the bedroom, but telling them what to wear, eat, when to have a sh*t etc outside the bedroom could be rather tedious for them.

Think of it this way - If you ask a man what he is thinking, he can't even answer that lol - and then you want them to completely control your life for you. ????? joking boys! evil4

Seriously, I think most men would find it more sexy if you took control of your own life and left the submissiveness just for the bedroom. But it is your life and if that is how you want to live it, then all the best to you.

Big Hugs
foxjack
Posted: Sunday, May 15, 2011 5:50:40 PM

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Location: Pierre, United States
I would not say I find it offensive, but if she just lays there completely unassertive it just feels like she isn't very... interested, I guess I'd say.
akwildman
Posted: Tuesday, May 24, 2011 12:07:19 PM

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Joined: 4/14/2011
Posts: 174
Location: Knoxville, United States
Dancing_Doll wrote:
Because men have been taught from an early age that being dominant and controlling and forceful with a woman makes them an asshole or an abuser (or somewhere in between).

Society upholds the traditional assumptions about romance, with the "perfect lover" being gentle and a giver and putting a woman's needs before his own.

Sometimes, it might be hard to deconstruct those things when it comes to sexuality.

I can see how some men might be confused or uncomfortable when a woman asks to be dominated/controlled or humiliated/degraded when it comes to sex.


As one of the old farts around here, I have to completely agree with Doll! I was raised with those morals.

I'm in an online relationship now where my lady friend is looking to at least in her mind, explore being controlled. It has taken me some soul searching to come to an agreement with myself over being what she is looking for. I'm beginning to understand what she says she wants and coming to grips with how I can accomplish it.

When she role plays with her husband, she knows that no matter what he says, he could never hurt her. Me on the other hand she doesn't know, which is what excites her, though, in my own mind, I know I could never permanently hurt of injure some one I care for.

Who knows where this relationship will go, but it sure is one hell of a ride so far!

*****Sleep peacefully tonight, your Air Force is protecting you!*****
Jass69
Posted: Tuesday, May 24, 2011 9:11:27 PM

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My partner will be submissive for me, although sometimes i like to be submissive aswell.. ... She likes me taking her in the missionary position with me holding her hands above her head as i penetrate her..
Ritchiedick
Posted: Thursday, July 04, 2013 9:12:00 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 6/1/2013
Posts: 20
Guest wrote:
i dated a few guys that have found my way of life difficult.... i am if you cant tell from my screen name a submissive.... i like to be controlled completly and yet they found it extreamly difficult to do... i guess my question is why they found it offensive.
all thoughts are appreciated!!!!!
confused1


Aaaaa....on your knees girl....not ALL men find it offensive. It'is actually the primal state of females....submissive.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, July 04, 2013 9:28:34 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,713
I think the original question is a generality that is not true. SOME maybe, not all. Just like SOME men or women find almost anything "offensive" or even just distasteful. I personally don't think most men DO find a sexually submissive women to be offensive, and contrary to what DD posted I think most men find it appealing if only from time to time. I think most men like their women to mix it up, sometimes submissive, sometimes dominant, and sometimes a mix of the two. Then there are those who fall in the wings concerning how they want their women.

I really dislike generalities like this since they seldom reflect reality.
TonyT
Posted: Thursday, July 04, 2013 9:33:13 AM

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Joined: 10/19/2010
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Location: PA - OH - WV - FL- NorCAl, United States
Dancing_Doll wrote:
Because men have been taught from an early age that being dominant and controlling and forceful with a woman makes them an asshole or an abuser (or somewhere in between).

Society upholds the traditional assumptions about romance, with the "perfect lover" being gentle and a giver and putting a woman's needs before his own.

Sometimes, it might be hard to deconstruct those things when it comes to sexuality.

I can see how some men might be confused or uncomfortable when a woman asks to be dominated/controlled or humiliated/degraded when it comes to sex.


For me at least, I think that may be part of it. But I also think, at least for me anyway, that it is just not exciting. I want my lover to express her desires. I want her to take an active role. I suppose we all have our own "things" that turn us on to different levels and that is cool. That means that there is someone for everyone. Personally, I enjoy sex much more feeling my lover wanting me more, actively telling me through body movement whispers or dirty talk what makes them orgasm. Again, its personal preference but I like a passionate sensual tango that has multiple crescendo's and, again, for me a least dancing with a sub kinda feels like dancing alone and I've never been sure of the steps. Perhaps I have just not explored it enough and don't understand it enough to talk intelligently about it. LOL

ISO sexy married women to fulfill their deepest desires... did i mention I love it really wet?
Guest
Posted: Thursday, July 04, 2013 9:40:14 AM

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TonyT wrote:


For me at least, I think that may be part of it. But I also think, at least for me anyway, that it is just not exciting. I want my lover to express her desires. I want her to take an active role. I suppose we all have our own "things" that turn us on to different levels and that is cool. That means that there is someone for everyone. Personally, I enjoy sex much more feeling my lover wanting me more, actively telling me through body movement whispers or dirty talk what makes them orgasm. Again, its personal preference but I like a passionate sensual tango that has multiple crescendo's and, again, for me a least dancing with a sub kinda feels like dancing alone and I've never been sure of the steps. Perhaps I have just not explored it enough and don't understand it enough to talk intelligently about it. LOL

I think this demonstrates a general misconception about submissive roles in the bedroom that is out there; at least from how I take it. There is a difference between being passive and lazy and being submissive. A submissive CAN and SHOULD actually participate in the sex. They simply submit to your will and let you dictate or take a dominant role. But they CAN and often do take a more active role in the sex acts. Such as, you can be a submissive and be on top doing "all the work". It is not a contradiction. The same as how submissives tend to engage in a lot of oral sex (giving) as well. And not just laying there as you plow into her face.

I thank you TonyT for making the post, because I was actually on my way back to ADD this to my post above, but you posted ahead of me.
TonyT
Posted: Thursday, July 04, 2013 10:27:49 AM

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JohnC wrote:

I think this demonstrates a general misconception about submissive roles in the bedroom that is out there; at least from how I take it. There is a difference between being passive and lazy and being submissive. A submissive CAN and SHOULD actually participate in the sex. They simply submit to your will and let you dictate or take a dominant role. But they CAN and often do take a more active role in the sex acts. Such as, you can be a submissive and be on top doing "all the work". It is not a contradiction. The same as how submissives tend to engage in a lot of oral sex (giving) as well. And not just laying there as you plow into her face.

I thank you TonyT for making the post, because I was actually on my way back to ADD this to my post above, but you posted ahead of me.


Yep, I admit i just may not understand it.

ISO sexy married women to fulfill their deepest desires... did i mention I love it really wet?
CenterLine
Posted: Thursday, July 04, 2013 10:45:04 AM

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Joined: 7/19/2012
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Location: Cuddling with friends,, United States
It's just not everybody's cup of tea.

Historically I've been more of a sub, but in my current relationship my partner wants often wants me to put on my dom face, and at first I found it nearly impossible. I didn't find it offensive, but some people react that way because of the way we teach equality in this country. We want to homogenize our culture and behavior, and call it acceptance. I didn't honestly check whether you're from the U.S. or not, but I hope the statement remains useful. Sometime you have to explain what it is you want, and why you want it, and ask for patience. If your partner is not willing to show you some patience and understanding then they are NOT somebody you want dominating you in the first place, otherwise, you can learn. I'd certainly drag you around by your hair if I could.

Guest
Posted: Friday, July 05, 2013 2:02:17 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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As a Dominant, if a woman said "Ok. control me", I wouldn't feel offended, but I would laugh my ass off. 1) because she'd sound like she was trying to top from the bottom 2) because she obviously has no idea what D/s is about 3) because "Ok. control me" is a brat attention whore attitude 4) because it's not anything a submissive would say 5) because a genuine Dominant prefers an independent woman who willingly submits because he has earned her respect, admiration,desire, etc. I could go on listing more reasons, but the question is silly.
Guest
Posted: Friday, July 05, 2013 7:16:49 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Dancing_Doll wrote:
Because men have been taught from an early age that being dominant and controlling and forceful with a woman makes them an asshole or an abuser (or somewhere in between).

Society upholds the traditional assumptions about romance, with the "perfect lover" being gentle and a giver and putting a woman's needs before his own.

Sometimes, it might be hard to deconstruct those things when it comes to sexuality.

I can see how some men might be confused or uncomfortable when a woman asks to be dominated/controlled or humiliated/degraded when it comes to sex.


Exactly right Dancing Doll. This is why I can't have a submissive woman, but on a personal note: I don't like the submissive role some woman play in the bedroom or life itself for that matter; because I've grew up up with independent/take charge females (family members and the womenfolk I took to my bed) who got theirs while I got mine and with the womenfolk I took to my bed; I found it quite the turn-on.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, July 05, 2013 10:12:44 AM

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Kal-El85 wrote:


Exactly right Dancing Doll. This is why I can't have a submissive woman, but on a personal note: I don't like the submissive role some woman play in the bedroom or life itself for that matter; because I've grew up up with independent/take charge females (family members and the womenfolk I took to my bed) who got theirs while I got mine and with the womenfolk I took to my bed; I found it quite the turn-on.


Yeah, there are wide varying interpretations of the words dominant and submissive, as evidenced in this thread too.

Some guys see a 'submissive woman' as the starfish types that just lay there or the ones that never initiate sex and leave all the work up to the guy as far as actual seduction and setting the pace.

Then there's the concept of dominating and submitting as far as power-exchange within sexual roleplay. This can also involve some rough sex elements. It is a sex thing - not an intrinsic 'way of being'. And sex doesn't always have to be at that same energy tilt every time.

And then there's the BDSM lifestyle variety where it actually extends outside the bedroom and people identify themselves as "Dom or Sub" 100% of the time and take these words and roles very literally.

It sounds like you enjoy the feisty types! And for someone that prefers a more equal pace of give/take during sex, the idea of dominating a woman probably isn't much of a turn-on. Same as for the OP - another example of why communication is so important between couples. What one person is into, another person may simply be uncomfortable with. Personally I enjoy it strictly as an occasional sexual power-shift and typically something that flavours rough sex, but that's where it ends - if a guy wanted more than that (ie. formal master/slave stuff or 24/7 arrangements) it would be a definite 'no-go' for me. In fact it would be a huge turn off.


Guest
Posted: Friday, July 05, 2013 12:38:57 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Dancing_Doll wrote:
Because men have been taught from an early age that being dominant and controlling and forceful with a woman makes them an asshole or an abuser (or somewhere in between).

Society upholds the traditional assumptions about romance, with the "perfect lover" being gentle and a giver and putting a woman's needs before his own.

Sometimes, it might be hard to deconstruct those things when it comes to sexuality.

I can see how some men might be confused or uncomfortable when a woman asks to be dominated/controlled or humiliated/degraded when it comes to sex.


I think you have it here Doll, as I was brought up this way.

But since then I have had to force myself at times to learn new things, and I honestly think that if a woman I loved wanted me to spank her, or be a Master in role play, of course I would. I know we would have a lot of fun.
But becoming a Master in the full fledged sense of the word involves some very complicated things for the "Master." I'd really have to be in love with her.
mare24
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 4:43:40 AM

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Location: Second star to the right, straight on til morning.
yourmisterdark wrote:
As a Dominant, i5) because a genuine Dominant prefers an independent woman who willingly submits because he has earned her respect, admiration,desire, etc. I could go on listing more reasons, but the question is silly.
....and that is what make You a Dominant.

If a man finds a submissive woman offensive, then obviously he is NOT a Dom.
Bad_4You
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 11:55:26 PM

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Joined: 4/10/2010
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If my woman was a submissive it would be a total turn on. I'd love it!
Wilful
Posted: Sunday, July 07, 2013 12:24:04 AM

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Location: Digging a hole on the beach, Australia
If I can go Dr Phil / Mars-Venus on this, or just make an idiot generalisation, men have primal hardwiring to please women. We actually get pleasure from it. Let us know what you want, so we can do it for you.

A woman who submits to everything all the time is a frustrating bore. Express an opinion. Make a decision. Show us you're worthy of our affection. Haven't you seen Coming to America?

But hooray for flavouring rough sex!

Please check out my latest story, Sleeping Over
Guest
Posted: Monday, July 15, 2013 8:26:47 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,713
For all those who find themselves with non-understanding partners - I feel your pain.
Please remember: just because your partner's desires don't mirror your own, doesn't make you evil, wrong, disgusting, or any of the above. It just makes you differnt; and being different is incredibly attractive.
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