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Would you stay with your wife/girlfriend if the only thing missing was sexual attraction? Options · View
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010 8:19:11 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,298
Location: West Coast
Let's say that you're in a committed long term marriage or relationship to a wonderful person who you enjoy spending time with and is a great life partner (or potential life partner)... but somewhere along the way the sexual attraction was gone.

Maybe you don't connect the way you used to, maybe they have physically changed and you don't find their new look sexually exciting anymore, or maybe their interest in sex or experimentation has diminished to the point where it's no longer enough.

How much importance do you place on sexual attraction in order to keep a relationship going?

In the early stages of a relationship, we can all agree that it's a critical part of the initial chemistry.

Does it lose significance as time goes on or as other factors such as age, children, and your willingness to 'start from scratch' as a single person again comes into play?

If your relationship was wholly satisfying except for the lack of sexual attraction, is that ever enough? If so, how do you do deal with it?

Or is sexual attraction the key ingredient to any successful relationship?

Both guys and girls are free to answer...


DamonX
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010 9:24:59 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/25/2009
Posts: 795
isn't this every aged couple? At some point the sexual attraction diminishes and is replaced by a complacent familiarity is it not?

In younger coupes though...if sexual attraction is gone then it becomes a simple friendship. After all, isn't sexual attraction the aspect that differentiates a sexual relationship from friendship?

I can't speak for the post children period, but it seems like the sexual chemistry does tend to decrease over time. Some keep it going, but I think it gets harder as time go on. The longest relationship I've had has been a mere 3 years, but even then I've noticed the "spark" decrease.

I'm still young though so I would like to hear the views of longterm married couples.
LadyX
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010 9:39:17 PM

Rank: Artistic Tart

Joined: 9/25/2009
Posts: 4,827
Like Damon I am young too, but I meet too many men that are just stale in their marriage or relationship. It is one reason why marriage just does not sound like anything I would want to do. I could not stay in a relationship if the sex wasn't good anymore and I didn't feel sexually attracted to them anymore. If that's the case, I have enough friends, I don't need to live with one more.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010 9:48:19 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,298
Location: West Coast
LadyX wrote:
Like Damon I am young too, but I meet too many men that are just stale in their marriage or relationship. It is one reason why marriage just does not sound like anything I would want to do. I could not stay in a relationship if the sex wasn't good anymore and I didn't feel sexually attracted to them anymore. If that's the case, I have enough friends, I don't need to live with one more.


I'm the same... but given that so many people get married, I assume people either find some way of coping with sexual boredom or diminished sexual attraction, or else are very optimistic that "their" relationship will be different.

I do think sexual attraction does diminish naturally over time... but if everything else is good, I'm wondering if that's reason enough to stay.

Even more important is the question of how people deal with this reality? Does it mean finding a hobby? Cheating? Joining Lush? Or a resignation that this is just the natural course of life and love...

I'm hoping that those with more experience with long-term relationships will help shed some light on the reality of things...


darkchallenger
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010 10:30:17 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/24/2010
Posts: 157
Location: On the trails somewhere, United States
I've found the sex has only gotten better after a quarter century of doing it with the same partner. The problems in my marriage are all outside of the bedroom. Everything else is broken, but the sex only seems to get better. The question for me has become...is the sex enough to stay for? Or do I need more from outside of the bedroom? Still searching for that answer.
She
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010 11:35:05 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/24/2010
Posts: 2,160
Location: Europe
Sexual attraction is a must be for me and right now I don't vote for a relationship but this is how I see it.

When in relationship is missing a sex chemistry is 90% of a relationship, but when there is a sex drive between partners it is only 10% of it.
In first case there is no future for relationship to survive and I never really try this one to last,
and if there is a good sex life between partners still need a great deal of work to be done
or the sex chemistry will be wear out and that is the reason why a lot of couples become frustrated. Weight of life press them down and they usually forget there sexual needs with a common excuse: there is no time (someone else is always before you, kids, career, old parents, friends, house...)
Sexual chemistry betwen partners was given for a few months, after that it is all work to keep it, but that is a pleasurable work.
Lisa
Posted: Saturday, April 24, 2010 2:52:47 AM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,190
Location: Victoria, Australia
I'm one of those old married people. I've been with my husband since I was twenty-one. Sixteen years later with our third child on the way, it gets better the longer we know one another. We're very close and talk to each other a lot, so if problems come up, they're discussed and out in the open rather than letting them fester. I still find him attractive and he gives every impression he feels the same way, too.

When I see my ninety year old grandparents walking together, holding hands, I can't help but hope my husband and I will be in that same position many years down the track. I don't know if they still find each other sexually attractive, (and to be honest, I prefer not to think about it!) but even if that's faded over time, from the way they look at one another it's obvious something stronger and more enduring has taken its place.
BigRod
Posted: Saturday, April 24, 2010 6:49:28 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/31/2009
Posts: 363
Location: California
This coming February will be my 40th anniversary.. hold the applause.. 3 months ago my wife decided that she needs to "find her own identity".. which apparently involves a solo journey... we are good friends as well as husband and wife.. so the transformation to roommates while difficult was also sensitive.. up until then the sex was fairly regular, satisfying and occasionally poignant.. since then she has abstained for fear of me misunderstanding her intention to still explore the balance of her life.. I don't pretend that this is OK.. but the main ingredient of any strong marriage is respect.. so as an answer to the question.. sex hasn't ruled my life since high school.. so would I stay in the marriage if sex wasn't the main part of the relationship? What do you think?
MMonroe
Posted: Saturday, April 24, 2010 7:28:44 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
I'd say that lack of a sexual relationship is definately no reason to break up. Ok, at my age it may be but after 20/30 years of marriage, to end it all for sex??? No. There are plenty of other outlets for sexual frustration and I wouldnt give up the one and only love of my life for something i could find round almost every corner



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Guest
Posted: Sunday, April 25, 2010 12:27:06 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,425
Yes, because sex isn't everything. Nuff said. coffee
MMonroe
Posted: Sunday, April 25, 2010 5:30:47 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
roccotool wrote:
Yes, because sex isn't everything. Nuff said. coffee


*highfive*



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



She
Posted: Sunday, April 25, 2010 6:11:54 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/24/2010
Posts: 2,160
Location: Europe
BigRod wrote:
This coming February will be my 40th anniversary.. hold the applause.. 3 months ago my wife decided that she needs to "find her own identity".. which apparently involves a solo journey... we are good friends as well as husband and wife.. so the transformation to roommates while difficult was also sensitive.. up until then the sex was fairly regular, satisfying and occasionally poignant.. since then she has abstained for fear of me misunderstanding her intention to still explore the balance of her life.. I don't pretend that this is OK.. but the main ingredient of any strong marriage is respect.. so as an answer to the question.. sex hasn't ruled my life since high school.. so would I stay in the marriage if sex wasn't the main part of the relationship? What do you think?



Of course sex is not everything, I belive when is good one it's co-creating only 10% of marriage, the rest of it is like you've said, respect, friendship..
However if one partner decide to take a break and begins the jurney of finding her/his own identety, does not look good for the relationship.

Once I said that to my partner that I need to finde myself, I was leaving him in a nice way (I thought back then that this way is nicer).

I don't want to be judgemental or trying to give you a cheesy advice, but if I would be you I would finde out what is going on with her and I would stay until she opens up.

Good luck.
BigRod
Posted: Sunday, April 25, 2010 8:43:57 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/31/2009
Posts: 363
Location: California
She wrote:
BigRod wrote:
This coming February will be my 40th anniversary.. hold the applause.. 3 months ago my wife decided that she needs to "find her own identity".. which apparently involves a solo journey... we are good friends as well as husband and wife.. so the transformation to roommates while difficult was also sensitive.. up until then the sex was fairly regular, satisfying and occasionally poignant.. since then she has abstained for fear of me misunderstanding her intention to still explore the balance of her life.. I don't pretend that this is OK.. but the main ingredient of any strong marriage is respect.. so as an answer to the question.. sex hasn't ruled my life since high school.. so would I stay in the marriage if sex wasn't the main part of the relationship? What do you think?



Of course sex is not everything, I belive when is good one it's co-creating only 10% of marriage, the rest of it is like you've said, respect, friendship..
However if one partner decide to take a break and begins the jurney of finding her/his own identety, does not look good for the relationship.

Once I said that to my partner that I need to finde myself, I was leaving him in a nice way (I thought back then that this way is nicer).

I don't want to be judgemental or trying to give you a cheesy advice, but if I would be you I would finde out what is going on with her and I would stay until she opens up.

Good luck.


Thank you She.. and you are right about not giving up.. but it is a hard line to follow in that you want to support your partner.. even if you are supporting her to leave.. and even if that happens.. I will always be there.. I will always do what's right.. and sex never even enters into it..
mercianknight
Posted: Wednesday, April 28, 2010 10:52:17 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/11/2009
Posts: 2,029
Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
Lisa wrote:
I'm one of those old married people. I've been with my husband since I was twenty-one. Sixteen years later with our third child on the way, it gets better the longer we know one another. We're very close and talk to each other a lot, so if problems come up, they're discussed and out in the open rather than letting them fester. I still find him attractive and he gives every impression he feels the same way, too.

When I see my ninety year old grandparents walking together, holding hands, I can't help but hope my husband and I will be in that same position many years down the track. I don't know if they still find each other sexually attractive, (and to be honest, I prefer not to think about it!) but even if that's faded over time, from the way they look at one another it's obvious something stronger and more enduring has taken its place.


"Yes" - whilst part of me feels that diminishing sexual attraction is inevitable, Lisa's thoughts echo my own. I think I've found my soul mate so am optimistic. 21 yrs and counting.

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 28, 2010 12:26:04 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,425
In my opinion, assumptions that a rich and fulfilling sex life will diminish by definition over time means that it is lost in advance.

In the long life of a couple, there are ups and downs, NO pun intended, on each side. Women experience their own problems and life transforming changes as do men.

On the one hand, people will moan and mock women in their pre-menopausal and post menopausal years saying they have 'lost' all interest in sex. At the same time and age, many men experience a drop in libido and experience erectile dysfunction at the same time that their women report their libidos going into overdrive.

In those cases, there is a physical condition that must be dealt with -- or not, as often happens. And if it's easy to mock women who are going through menopause, and make fun of them, step back and consider the man who is going through andropause, and who is suffering from ED. A woman is accustomed to going to her gynecologist over the years to seek help and deal with the complicated health issues we face due to our biology. A man who is suddenly afflicted with erectile dysfunction, but who won't even go to the doctor for a sore throat, is a tougher case to deal with.

That only deals with problems that are relative to our sexual side, as the cause. There are other problems and concerns that arise, and many of them are different health problems, aging parents, raising children, surviving the adolescence years of those same children, and a boat load of other questions.

Diminishing sexual attraction can be off-set by refusing to let complacency set in, and making a conscientious effort to watch out for it. That is when the hard part begins, to try and keep things going.

In a long-term relationship, it takes work to keep the various gears well oiled and functioning.

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 28, 2010 2:32:58 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,425
If life were only like a prime time TV movie event, where at the end we cry tears of release at a resolution of events that make us feel good about ourselves and others. Fortunately, life is more interesting and questions like this one make that clear.

This is a deep question on a lot of levels.

How someone reacts to the scenario you suggest is dependent on the quality of the relationship they have. If I was the one who couldn't have sex and I loved her, I would release her from any and all commitment. This may seem noble, but it is not, it is practical. It is my view that over time the denial of sex would affect both people negatively, a distance and chasm would grow. There is no point in two people staying together if to do so would lower the quality of life and might even make them crazy.

As I said, if I was the one who could not function sexually, then I would have to embark on a journey of self discovery to overcome what is my new reality. Sometimes that journey can only be taken alone. Freeing her from vows of commitment also would free me. We could stay friends and even love would grow, then again maybe not.

It is possible for a couple to work out a solution that would keep them together, but I don't think most people could do it. I think staying together would not work if there is sexual incapability.

Of course practical issue of children, property etc would come into play making the situation very complicated. No matter, I feel you have to release the other person from commitment and start the relationship over if you decide to stay together. The landscape has changed in significant ways.
thepainter
Posted: Wednesday, April 28, 2010 3:20:57 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/23/2009
Posts: 1,353
Location: hell, Netherlands
Kyle wrote:
As I said, if I was the one who could not function sexually, then I would have to embark on a journey of self discovery to overcome what is my new reality. Sometimes that journey can only be taken alone. Freeing her from vows of commitment also would free me. We could stay friends and even love would grow, then again maybe not.


This made my brain think of the following song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKRD6IlnYjM (lyrics in description)

Insert typical super smart ass comment courtesy of thepainter here.
oldgit
Posted: Tuesday, May 18, 2010 7:39:24 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 5/14/2010
Posts: 35
Location: Leicester
My wife has no interest in sex but I love her that much I will be with here till one of us shuffles of this earth.
JossGray
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 8:20:41 PM

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Joined: 5/26/2013
Posts: 75
Location: United Kingdom
This is difficult, because if had a wife and we weren't sexually attracted, it would soon become a problem and we'd either cheat or start arguing...
Buz
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 8:30:20 PM

Rank: The Linebacker

Joined: 3/2/2011
Posts: 5,832
Location: Atlanta, United States
Truthfully, I can't imagine not being sexually attracted to her. But I've known her so long, we know each other so well that everything about our lives just seems too just fit. But still she is so hot it drives me nuts or maybe I should say drives my nuts nuts!

Guest
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 9:10:36 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,425
Yes, I love my wife very much but I over the 31 years of our marriage she has gained weight and has given up on sex. I love her so I go no where but here to lush to live a life I know I can not have for real, I do love the ladies of lush!!
BelleduJour
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 9:38:03 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,509
Location: Canada
Hmm good question and some great answers. Personally, I think sexual attraction doesn't have to matter if BOTH partners are on the same page about it BUT if one person is content to keep things platonic while the other aches for the kind of connection and intimacy that comes from sex, it can be a VERY miserable life and usually that's when questionable behaviour might come to breed if only out of desperation and frustration.

I also think age can play a part in this too - usually the 'older' couples seem to just accept it as part of the process despite the fact they didn't exactly get the memo that things had changed, while younger couples may be much less inclined to live out the rest of their days basically sexless.

Bottom line is that everyone's priorities are different. If you can ask the question; if this is as good as it will ever be, is it good enough? and answer YES, then more power to you!

Westman
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 9:41:41 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 8/6/2011
Posts: 6
Location: United States
Not only would I, I did, I sat next to my wife when she died, we hadn't had sex in 5 years.
Bad_4You
Posted: Saturday, July 06, 2013 11:53:14 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2010
Posts: 158
Location: United States
I guess I'm pretty shallow but I think if I didn't find her sexually attractive anymore I wouldn't be able to get it up for her. That might be the beginning of the end for us.
_mal_
Posted: Thursday, July 11, 2013 10:21:29 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/27/2010
Posts: 191
Location: Somewhere, United States
I grew up in a household where my parents didn't have sex for 30+ years because my dad was disabled.

The question, however, is a complicated one to answer.

If my partner is *capable* of having sex and she just doesn't want to then that is not necessarily grounds for breaking up the relationship. I dated a woman who liked sex but who, otherwise, had problems with it (not going to go into the exact details because that, also, is complicated). The relationship ended but it wasn't because of anything sexual. And I was generally fine with the lack of sex, sometimes. It really wasn't a huge deal because sometimes she'd be really into it. The overall circumstances were such that it also wasn't a deal-breaker, generally.

But that's not to say that there aren't circumstances where it could be a big deal.

The key, however, is how two people, being in a committed relationship deal with it? Can they deal with it constructively? I've learned in life that it is amazing what life experiences two people can weather if the two are able to deal with the adversities in a proactive and constructive manner. That also includes lack of sex and/or sexual attraction.

Contrary to popular belief, people can find the sex elsewhere but keep the relationship. It's not a culturally popular idea. But, humans are adaptable creatures. And relationships are adaptable things. If relationship wasn't adaptable, it really wouldn't be a relationship.
Jayemelle
Posted: Thursday, July 11, 2013 11:17:50 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/3/2013
Posts: 9
I've been with my husband for 7 years, (I'm only 25) and to be honest, the sexual attraction is definitely gone. Would i tell him that? NEVER.

Sometimes I think he must feel the same, He will barely look up if i walk around with no clothes on and doesn't get immediately aroused. Or maybe its just familiarity? I don't really know. I am actually really interested in other answers here.

We have good sex when we do have it because we have been together so long we know how to push each others buttons, but I don't look at him and think, wow, I really want to tear your clothes off and take you right now. I don't fantasize about him in that way.

I miss the passion that was there at the start of the relationship, he doesn't fight me, or call me out on my crap, he is softly spoken and kind.

In saying that, he is a wonderful partner and my best friend in the world and i love him very, very much. He is caring and considerate and gives me everything I ever need otherwise.

I don't think I would give up the friendship, support, and love up for someone who I shared an intense sexual connection with. Although I do think its a little sad I am not made to feel that attractive when i am only young and after years of being an overweight teenager, starting to get to a place where I know my body is desirable.
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