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I am curious about married Dom/subs Options · View
Guest
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 11:24:23 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
When you're married in real life how is it possible to be completely submissive to your online Master/Mistress or loyal to your sub and how can it be a special relationship between the Dom and sub when at night both or one is with their spouses? I hope I haven't offended anyone I am just curious and I looked through to see if it was talked about before but couldn't find anything
Guest
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 12:23:32 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
I would presume that each situation would be different. But one way would be to compartmentalize it. This is not an issue that affects only D/s relationships but "normal" online ones as well. And sometimes it can be worked out, and others it can't. It depends on the couple and the situations surrounding the relationships (online and off).
Dani
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 5:27:01 PM

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Joined: 12/25/2010
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Wow. This is quite literally the best question I've seen asked on Lush in a really, really long time. Possibly the best I've seen, ever.

I wish I had an answer, but I'm neither married nor a dom/sub. But I myself am quite curious about this. I see it all the time. People have spouses in real life but on here they commit themselves to a dom or sub, and I've always wondered how they made that work. I can't wait to see the input.



Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

Guest
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 6:17:31 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
JohnC wrote:
I would presume that each situation would be different. But one way would be to compartmentalize it. This is not an issue that affects only D/s relationships but "normal" online ones as well. And sometimes it can be worked out, and others it can't. It depends on the couple and the situations surrounding the relationships (online and off).


I am very curious now about those who compartmentalize things in a relationship. I looked it up myself and there's nothing good that I have found about doing it ...

*Compartmentalization* is an unconsciouspsychological defense mechanism
 used to avoidcognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.[1]

So how can those who do that (compartmentalize) have a healthy relationship with their Dom/sub online and have a healthy relationship with their spouse at home?

It seems that in the long run ALL will be hurt that are involved. dontknow

Once again I am just curious I mean no harm by asking and I am not trying to disrespect anyone or their choices.
sprite
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 7:25:44 PM

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Book marks this thread for later, having had a LOT of experience on the subject and needing to go make dinner and do stuff - promise to get back to it later - as SWW says, an excellent question.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Dudealicious
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 8:59:45 PM

Rank: Wise Ass

Joined: 11/12/2010
Posts: 5,413
Location: The center of the universe, Canada
JohnC wrote:
I would presume that each situation would be different. But one way would be to compartmentalize it. This is not an issue that affects only D/s relationships but "normal" online ones as well. And sometimes it can be worked out, and others it can't. It depends on the couple and the situations surrounding the relationships (online and off).


If you're presuming, why answer seeing as you don't know?

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

sprite
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 12:52:17 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,526
Location: My Tower, United States
Dudealicious wrote:


If you're presuming, why answer seeing as you don't know?


so, we're only able to answer if we're certain we have the ultimate defining answer? Damn. too much pressure. thanks for putting me in my place, dude. :)

ok, that out of the way...

i'm married to a wonderful woman. before we were married, i had an online Mistress for close to 2 years. it was something that we discussed as a couple and she was ok with as long as i kept her in the loop with what was going on. it allowed me to get a side of me out in a safe enviornment with someone we both trusted and felt comfortable with that went beyond the boundries of what she was/is comfortable with.

would i have done this without her knowledge as well as her permission? no. would i have stopped if she'd asked? yes. am i glad she never did? yes. the thing is, my Mistress was respectful of my RL relationship and knew that, ultimately, it came first - in other words, she did what any GOOD Domme would do - looked out for her sub's best interests. we remain friends - in fact, she's one of my best friends on Lush.

hope that gives you a little insight?

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 2:14:22 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
Dudealicious wrote:


If you're presuming, why answer seeing as you don't know?

I was simply giving a soft lead into the answer. Not every situation is different, but there are many differences in the group that this covers. But as Sprite points out, not knowing everything, or the complete answer should not prevent people from offering input.

SensualRose wrote:


I am very curious now about those who compartmentalize things in a relationship. I looked it up myself and there's nothing good that I have found about doing it ...

*Compartmentalization* is an unconsciouspsychological defense mechanism
 used to avoidcognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.[1]

So how can those who do that (compartmentalize) have a healthy relationship with their Dom/sub online and have a healthy relationship with their spouse at home?

It seems that in the long run ALL will be hurt that are involved. dontknow

Once again I am just curious I mean no harm by asking and I am not trying to disrespect anyone or their choices.

Not everyone CAN compartmentalize. And those who can't often have a hard time with duel relationships. I don't have the answer as to how to do it though, sorry. I have not looked it up to see if there are directions or techniques posted someplace, but I would think that it would be natural for most who do it. But as with other things, there may be things which help it that can be done. dontknow

As for it hurting all involved in the long run, I think that too would depend on the situations each couple have. I don't think there are any cut and dry answers for this issue (and yes, I too think it is one of the best and most honest questions I have seen asked on LUSH since I joined). But I do think that these duel relationships "can" (but not always) make for healthier relationships, more so if they truly fill voids and take care of certain things which are lacking in the base relationship. Again, it simply all depends on a wide range of factors.

I hope that helped in some way, I am on my first cup of coffee.... coffee
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 8:51:25 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
sprite wrote:


i'm married to a wonderful woman. before we were married, i had an online Mistress for close to 2 years. it was something that we discussed as a couple and she was ok with as long as i kept her in the loop with what was going on. it allowed me to get a side of me out in a safe enviornment with someone we both trusted and felt comfortable with that went beyond the boundries of what she was/is comfortable with.

would i have done this without her knowledge as well as her permission? no. would i have stopped if she'd asked? yes. am i glad she never did? yes. the thing is, my Mistress was respectful of my RL relationship and knew that, ultimately, it came first - in other words, she did what any GOOD Domme would do - looked out for her sub's best interests. we remain friends - in fact, she's one of my best friends on Lush.

hope that gives you a little insight?



Thank you and yes it does ....kinda :)
Seems you have a great spouse that is very understanding and loving<3

I still don't see how a sub can be truly 100% submissive to their Dom with a spouse at home or how a Dom can truly be a Dom when their sub has a husband or wife. Or vice versa so I am thinking that maybe the BEST Dom/sub relationship is with spouses or single Dom/subs ...not saying yours or others aren't special I am just thinking that to truly experience the full pleasure and happiness and love of a bdsm relationship both shouldn't be committed to others. Its just my own opinion and I have never experience it myself, I just have seen a lot of them with spouses involved. I hope I haven't offended you or anyone in my opinion or question ...thank you so much for answering :)
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 8:55:33 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
JohnC wrote:

Not everyone CAN compartmentalize. And those who can't often have a hard time with duel relationships. I don't have the answer as to how to do it though, sorry. I have not looked it up to see if there are directions or techniques posted someplace, but I would think that it would be natural for most who do it. But as with other things, there may be things which help it that can be done. dontknow

As for it hurting all involved in the long run, I think that too would depend on the situations each couple have. I don't think there are any cut and dry answers for this issue (and yes, I too think it is one of the best and most honest questions I have seen asked on LUSH since I joined). But I do think that these duel relationships "can" (but not always) make for healthier relationships, more so if they truly fill voids and take care of certain things which are lacking in the base relationship. Again, it simply all depends on a wide range of factors.

I hope that helped in some way, I am on my first cup of coffee.... coffee



Thank you for answering:)
I am starting to think it is a difficult situation to answer 100% correctly for everyone involved. but I have read and considered all answers that was written and all help to an extent :)
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 9:07:51 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,526
Location: My Tower, United States
SensualRose wrote:



Thank you and yes it does ....kinda :)
Seems you have a great spouse that is very understanding and loving<3

I still don't see how a sub can be truly 100% submissive to their Dom with a spouse at home or how a Dom can truly be a Dom when their sub has a husband or wife. Or vice versa so I am thinking that maybe the BEST Dom/sub relationship is with spouses or single Dom/subs ...not saying yours or others aren't special I am just thinking that to truly experience the full pleasure and happiness and love of a bdsm relationship both shouldn't be committed to others. Its just my own opinion and I have never experience it myself, I just have seen a lot of them with spouses involved. I hope I haven't offended you or anyone in my opinion or question ...thank you so much for answering :)


hmm... as the the 100%, when we were together online, it was always 100%. and sometimes that would bleed into off line stuff, if there was some sort of 'an assignment' but normally, no. when i signed off, Sprite the sub sort of got put away and 'normal' life resumed. in all honesty, my wife and i tried doing the Domme/sub thing at one point in our relationship, and the concept of doing it 24/7 100% is just a little beyond me. i know some do, but i just can't wrap my head around being in that place every moment of every day.

i would have to agree that we're unique in this, i think, and that yes, it's probably best if it's two single people - the commitment level would probably be higher. also, i'd have to assume that some who do this and are married do NOT tell their significant others and do so in secret?

oh, and don't even trip about offending me. i like good discussion. :)

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 9:24:05 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
sprite wrote:


hmm... as the the 100%, when we were together online, it was always 100%. and sometimes that would bleed into off line stuff, if there was some sort of 'an assignment' but normally, no. when i signed off, Sprite the sub sort of got put away and 'normal' life resumed. in all honesty, my wife and i tried doing the Domme/sub thing at one point in our relationship, and the concept of doing it 24/7 100% is just a little beyond me. i know some do, but i just can't wrap my head around being in that place every moment of every day.

i would have to agree that we're unique in this, i think, and that yes, it's probably best if it's two single people - the commitment level would probably be higher. also, i'd have to assume that some who do this and are married do NOT tell their significant others and do so in secret?

oh, and don't even trip about offending me. i like good discussion. :)


Now THAT helped Alot lol so once offline you stopped being sprite the sub. So online you were 100% loyal sub and offline 100% loyal spouse. I guess in your situation I can understand because you told your spouse and I think its the Dom/sub's who lie and keep secrets are the ones I have most trouble understanding because I can't see how anyone is being a true Dom or sub when their not 100% themselves in the roles they play in their relationships.

Ok great glad you're not offended :)
VanGogh
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 7:55:28 PM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
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Dudealicious wrote:

If you're presuming, why answer seeing as you don't know?


wow ... need a coffee, Dude? or maybe a drink?? Pour Wine

Hope you feel better soon!

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starting with The Secretary and The Student - first part

Enjoy!!

For the Anal Lovers .... come enjoy my RR honoured An Alluring Ass

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SweetPenny
Posted: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 8:05:03 PM

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Posts: 1,271
Location: State of Confusion
I've managed to juggle both. I currently have a Dom and we are both married. When we are online or texting, I am his. When we meet up, I am his. We do not interfere with each others' married life in any way. For instance, he would never order me not to have sex with my husband. It works for us. That said, I could probably get into a deeper submission if I was single and truly belonged to him. But I'm happy nonetheless.
Dudealicious
Posted: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 8:37:45 PM

Rank: Wise Ass

Joined: 11/12/2010
Posts: 5,413
Location: The center of the universe, Canada
PersonalAssistant wrote:


wow ... need a coffee, Dude? or maybe a drink?? Pour Wine

Hope you feel better soon!


I'm great thanks. I just find it really interesting that people give advice on things they are unsure about. That's like a chiropractor giving you a diagnosis (or advice) on a stomach ailment.

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

EloiseMcEntaggart
Posted: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 9:28:01 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/5/2013
Posts: 7
Location: United Kingdom
slipperywhenwet2012 wrote:
Wow. This is quite literally the best question I've seen asked on Lush in a really, really long time. Possibly the best I've seen, ever.

I wish I had an answer, but I'm neither married nor a dom/sub. But I myself am quite curious about this. I see it all the time. People have spouses in real life but on here they commit themselves to a dom or sub, and I've always wondered how they made that work. I can't wait to see the input.



Wow .. me neither, think I'll stay up all nite to wait for the responses, like the elections Lol fart
Magical_felix
Posted: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 9:31:13 PM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,905
Location: California
PersonalAssistant wrote:


wow ... need a coffee, Dude? or maybe a drink?? Pour Wine

Hope you feel better soon!


Maybe you should offer him a tampon.



Dudealicious
Posted: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 9:33:03 PM

Rank: Wise Ass

Joined: 11/12/2010
Posts: 5,413
Location: The center of the universe, Canada
Magical_felix wrote:


Maybe you should offer him a tampon.


Wow very 10th grade. Bravo!

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

Magical_felix
Posted: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 9:38:38 PM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,905
Location: California
Dudealicious wrote:


Wow very 10th grade. Bravo!


In tenth grade... Hmmm... I know some girls mature quickly but maybe a pad would be better. More comfy for ya down there.



Guest
Posted: Thursday, October 10, 2013 1:47:11 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
Dudealicious wrote:


Wow very 10th grade. Bravo!


As high as that Dude? drunken
TexDrifter
Posted: Thursday, October 10, 2013 10:59:02 PM

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Posts: 173
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Magical_felix wrote:


In tenth grade... Hmmm... I know some girls mature quickly but maybe a pad would be better. More comfy for ya down there.


I think you guys should listen to little Felix...he might actually be an expert in this one...look at his av, he kind of IS a little pussy, so he prolly has a clue what to put on one when it's all crampy and "not so fresh"....and his posts only support the hypothesis....oh, and y'all have a nice day!!!!

I'm a hired gunslinger,Sexual ringer,
And I've set my sights on you.
A smooth operator,Gentle persuader,
Sultry sense of humor, too.
I'm a sly disarmer,Silver-tongued charmer,
So content to be your pawn.
A sweet-talkin' slayer,Warm hearted player,
Guaranteed to turn you on.
[
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/gunslinger.aspx
Magical_felix
Posted: Friday, October 11, 2013 11:46:35 AM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,905
Location: California
TexDrifter wrote:


I think you guys should listen to little Felix...he might actually be an expert in this one...look at his av, he kind of IS a little pussy, so he prolly has a clue what to put on one when it's all crampy and "not so fresh"....and his posts only support the hypothesis....oh, and y'all have a nice day!!!!


Look at your AV... It looks like you were actually used as a tampon... You're kinda being a metaphoric tampon for your "girlfriend" at the moment the way you're making yourself a tool. It's funny though. I hope it continues.



Dani
Posted: Friday, October 11, 2013 1:12:31 PM

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Posts: 4,653
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
TexDrifter wrote:


I think you guys should listen to little Felix...he might actually be an expert in this one...look at his av, he kind of IS a little pussy, so he prolly has a clue what to put on one when it's all crampy and "not so fresh"....and his posts only support the hypothesis....oh, and y'all have a nice day!!!!


laughing9



Baby put your arms around me, tell me I'm a problem...

Red_Dragon
Posted: Tuesday, October 22, 2013 8:09:12 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/4/2011
Posts: 741
Location: Charleston , United States
TexDrifter wrote:


I think you guys should listen to little Felix...he might actually be an expert in this one...look at his av, he kind of IS a little pussy, so he prolly has a clue what to put on one when it's all crampy and "not so fresh"....and his posts only support the hypothesis....oh, and y'all have a nice day!!!!



Lfunny lol

Guest
Posted: Thursday, October 24, 2013 5:26:34 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
Is there ever really one answer for every situation? People have different life experiences and so they also experience life differently. I have an online relationship like this and it is fulfilling. My spouse knows and my sub knows. My hubby and I are too well matched so though we do play around there is really no dominate partner so he is okay with my urges online.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, October 24, 2013 6:59:37 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,641
NickiC wrote:
Is there ever really one answer for every situation? People have different life experiences and so they also experience life differently. I have an online relationship like this and it is fulfilling. My spouse knows and my sub knows. My hubby and I are too well matched so though we do play around there is really no dominate partner so he is okay with my urges online.

So is our relations domme/sub.....hehehe
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