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Emotional vs Physical Cheating - what upsets you more? Options · View
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 2:52:52 PM

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As far as cheating on a spouse or committed relationship, which scenario do you find more upsetting?

*This is assuming that you aren't in an open relationship to begin with*

Scenario One: Your husband/wife went to Vegas with some friends. You find out through a mutual friend that after a drunken party night, they had sex with someone. You learn that no numbers were exchanged nor did they spend much time socializing with this person on the night in question - it was a one-night stand. The person they hooked up with didn't stay the night after the deed was done. A condom was used, but they did physically fuck someone else and betray your trust, drunk or not. You are shocked to hear this, because other than this episode, your relationship is great. Assume that this is a first time occurrence of physical cheating.

Scenario Two: Your husband/wife starts spending an exorbitant amount of time online and seems to be secretly texting and having prolonged cell or skype/cam calls with someone for at least six months. They have claimed that it's all work related or they're just texting a friend. Later, after a bit of digging around, you find out that they are in a long distance online relationship with someone they claim to be in love with and committed to. According to their alternate ego social media, they are a couple. They are obviously talking daily, cybering, having phone sex etc, but from what you can see they've never consummated any of it in person. It's clear, however, that they are very emotionally involved and infatuated with this person. Assume that this is a first time occurrence of emotional cheating.

Could you forgive one scenario, but not the other? Which one do you feel is the greater violation of your commitment?


ps. Guys can answer too. :)


Ardentmale
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 7:34:21 PM

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I will be the first one to take on this one! lol.... So the simple answer is that yes they are both cheating in a "typical" monogamous relationship...

The first scenario is the breaking of that bond of trust... breaking the promise of forsaking all others... Drunk or not and weather your partner finds out or not, it still is not right given the "typical" relationship... Even if it is purely physical, without emotion and ever so short lived...

The second is just as bad but in a different sense... It is full of emotion and feelings... A feeling of betrayal is guaranteed... Unless there is no feeling what so ever for your partner, in which case you shouldnt be there anyway... ANYWAY... It is cheating in several senses, in the respect that your partner should be the one getting your feelings, emotions and sexual wants. You are also staying away from them physically, which cheats them of intimacy... Having been involved in a situation like scenario two, I saw what I saw, read what I read and was told I was wrong... I let it go... It was not worth the fight, as the relationship was too far gone already... Did it hurt? Sure it did, not as much as if I was completely in love and blindsided... But it stung to know I was not enough or what she wanted...

Both scenarios leave your mind to wonder.. probably to the point of making yourself nuts... Why? How many times and how many different people? How long has this been going on? Will it end? Can I trust what you say anymore...

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Dani
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 8:07:18 PM

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I think they'd both upset me to the same capacity, but for different reasons.

The first scenario would hurt me as well as offend me. The second one would hurt me and make me doubt myself. It'd be a huge blow to my self-esteem.

The first scenario means that he thought so little of our relationship that he wasted it on a fling.

The second scenario meant time was invested. Time that he could have spent with me, but didn't want to. He was fully aware of what he was doing and how it would hurt if/when I found out. But he went through with it anyway. Instead of discussing any issues in our relationship with me and giving me my say and a chance to work things out, he sought satisfaction elsewhere. It was done deliberately. And he lived a double life. Furthermore, he robbed me of the right to opt out of this situation. So it's something he decided for the both of us. He was selfish, and skeevy and a bunch of other names I don't feel like typing.


I couldn't forgive either scenario, as they both indicate he is no longer worthy of my commitment and faithfulness.



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dpw
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 8:44:21 PM

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I'm going to go out on a limb here and will more than likely get shot down!
In both cases I would be really pissed off and angry! However I could probably get over a drunken one night stand. Scenario 2 would mean the relationship is already over!
For me it's the emotion involved, it doesn't matter if it's online and long distance. You could stake your life that if the other person lived local it would be an ongoing affair. I could never forgive that!
A drunken one nighter, well I think, there but for the grace of god!
I've never cheated but drunk, I've been tempted. To be honest, sober, I've been tempted but just couldn't do it to my partner.
wouldntyouliketoknow
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 8:46:49 PM

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Physical cheating is far worse for me. Emotional cheating hurts but they are doing nothing whereas physical cheating means that they are actively betraying you. I guess its different depending on the circumstances
dpw
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 9:00:16 PM

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wouldntyouliketoknow wrote:
Physical cheating is far worse for me. Emotional cheating hurts but they are doing nothing whereas physical cheating means that they are actively betraying you. I guess its different depending on the circumstances

But with emotional cheating they'd rather be with the other person and the only thing that stops them is distance. They'd be thinking of the other person while they were with you. That would disgust me!
c50t
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2014 10:06:54 PM

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A drunken one night stand could be a lapse in judgement. If it has only happened once, and they did confess and show the proper amount of remorse, then I think I could forgive it. I'm assuming of course that my partner has displayed great character up to that point.

Scenario two: Um, that is dishonesty for a prolonged period. It is not a lapse in judgment. It has become a character choice. Your partner now wants to be the kind of person that decieves and continues the deception. This would be much harder for me to forgive. Not impossible, but much, much more difficult.

Trust can be broken in an instant. It take a long time to rebuild. Love goes on past reason, past circumstance, past sanity.
vines
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 8:29:28 AM

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If that happened to me, either I would be hurt. Not so much if was a chick because I know emotionally and sexualy I can give the same and more a woman can.
If it was a dude the same goes, however, one difference. If she ditched me and told me he got her off way more in the sac with a pee-wee dick than I ever did with my not so pee-wee thingy. I wouldn't want to go out like that. I would just tell her straight up, look you just can't say something like that and not expect me to want to prove you wrong. Okay I know we're done but let me have this chance to leave you walking away with a smile on her face and an enduring memory etched into her mind, forever reminding you how he proved you so wrong in the best way.
Mazza
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 8:50:44 AM

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For me, although both scenarios would hurt, the second is worse. I think it's the level of emotional intimacy involved and the time spent with the other person.

The one night stand could almost be forgiven but a long term emotional involvement really would hurt...
DLizze
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 9:53:01 AM

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I can understand and forgive the first scenario. Inhibitions are down, judgment is impaired, the heat of the moment, etc.

The second, however, goes to the very core reasons for being in a committed relationship. IF it is as described, the relationship has already failed. It's obvious that the person is getting something from the online experience that isn't happening at home, and there is lack of open and honest communication in the real-life relationship..

Would it hurt more than the one-night stand? That's hard to say. Sometimes, when faced with the reality of a failed relationship, as with death after a prolonged illness, we are as much relieved as aggrieved.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
wouldntyouliketoknow
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 10:16:42 AM

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dpw wrote:

But with emotional cheating they'd rather be with the other person and the only thing that stops them is distance. They'd be thinking of the other person while they were with you. That would disgust me!


I understand your reasoning, but personally I believe that you are still superior to anyone they're emotionally cheating on you with as you're still the one they come back to.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 2:04:14 PM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:
scenarios[/i]


Both deal breakers for me.
dpw
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 5:04:51 PM

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wouldntyouliketoknow wrote:


I understand your reasoning, but personally I believe that you are still superior to anyone they're emotionally cheating on you with as you're still the one they come back to.

They wouldn't be coming backto me, they would be out of the door.
freakycactus
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 5:13:05 PM

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slipperywhenwet2012 wrote:
I think they'd both upset me to the same capacity, but for different reasons.

The first scenario would hurt me as well as offend me. The second one would hurt me and make me doubt myself. It'd be a huge blow to my self-esteem.

The first scenario means that he thought so little of our relationship that he wasted it on a fling.

The second scenario meant time was invested. Time that he could have spent with me, but didn't want to. He was fully aware of what he was doing and how it would hurt if/when I found out. But he went through with it anyway. Instead of discussing any issues in our relationship with me and giving me my say and a chance to work things out, he sought satisfaction elsewhere. It was done deliberately. And he lived a double life. Furthermore, he robbed me of the right to opt out of this situation. So it's something he decided for the both of us. He was selfish, and skeevy and a bunch of other names I don't feel like typing.


I couldn't forgive either scenario, as they both indicate he is no longer worthy of my commitment and faithfulness.


Slipperywhenwet has perfectly described my response.

Ken_Riley
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 5:23:59 PM

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I could forgive Scenario One, should it ever happen. However, I am currently living with Scenario Two. My wife of 36 years Skypes with her boyfriend EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for 2-3 hours and has consummated the relationship with a 10-day visit to see him. I must accept it because I am handicapped and if I were to divorce her, I'm looking at a nursing home. So Lush and the girls I meet here are my only way to have my own "affair".
honeydipped96
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 7:46:08 PM

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wow...dilemma dilemma. although i'd be hurt by both, i'd have to say that the second would break my heart. i could forgive an act of stupidity, but to carry on a RELATIONSHIP behind my back? no dice.

"it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -aristotle
BelleduJour
Posted: Saturday, January 04, 2014 7:47:43 PM

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I would see BOTH scenarios as painful betrayals and both would constitute as deal breakers in my reality. I think slipperywhenwet did a fabulous job at articulating precisely how I'd feel about each scenario as both ultimately indicate he is no longer worthy of commitment and faithfulness. Two pretty important and significant attributes necessary for monogamous relationships.

BUT for the sake of this thread, if I HAD to choose which scenario I MIGHT forgive, I think the first scenario would be it for many of the same reasons already discussed. I am one of those women that feels that an emotional affair, whether consummated or not, is a bigger and more painful form of betrayal. Dpw made a good point that if your partner is investing THAT much time and energy with someone else they haven't even met in person (yet, anyway), your relationship is probably already over...WAY over. If I did manage to scrap the bottom of the barrel for some "forgiveness" regarding this particular scenario, I would NEVER forget.

So...not sure that my forgiveness would count for much after all.

naughtynurse
Posted: Sunday, January 05, 2014 12:45:26 PM

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Both hurt.

I've experienced 1, 2, and a combination of both in a variety of relationships. The first, while painful and resulted in a severely strained relationship was something we ultimately moved past. 2 was a deep wound that we never recovered from.



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Kal-El85
Posted: Sunday, January 05, 2014 1:16:00 PM

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Both. . .cheating in any fashion just hurts like hell.
MadMartigan
Posted: Sunday, January 05, 2014 8:04:15 PM

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Both.

All ties would be cut on a romantic, relationship front if either happened honestly.

You can say inhibitions are down and your judgement is impaired, but that's a bullshit, copout excuse. You went out and got drunk to the point you figured you'd have fun fucking someone else. Our relationship didn't mean much to you. I can forgive, but not forget. And once cheating occurred, I'd turn into a paranoid freak, constantly wondering if you were having other flings. It'd make me physically ill.

The second is a clear sign you give no fucks about our relationship. Like slips said, I'd be wondering what I did wrong, if I did enough, why I didn't see any signs, etc. My self-esteem would take a massive nosedive. I'd really begin to question if anything in our relationship was real and whether I was just a physical stand-in for the person you really seem to want to be with.

That's fucked up. The 2nd is built up lies, deceit, and almost manipulation. I'd kick your sorry ass out of my life for good if that happened, while with the 1st I could forgive and become friends with....the 2nd, I'd never forgive. Period.
lanne
Posted: Sunday, January 05, 2014 8:29:14 PM

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both.

scenario one: getting drunk does not mean getting amnesia. our relationship didn't mean much to you in the first place, coz if it did you musta thought about "shit what would Ianne think/feel/say" and even if you thought about it you chose to disregard it, therefore arriving to the conclusion that you CHOSE to fuck her/him.

scenario two: I'd ask you if I am not enough. to be in a emotional relationship requires trust, so your online boyfriend/girlfriend must trust you enough to be with you, and it sucks for them coz you lied to them, not to mention you lied to me, too. that's not all, I'll begin to think about what else you said that was a lie and I'll go nuts thinking about it. so I'll make you go away and never talk to you again.
Guest
Posted: Monday, January 06, 2014 9:46:15 PM

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They are both pretty hurtfull but physically I guess
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