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The Institution of Marriage Options · View
Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 09, 2010 12:25:51 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
My anniversary is coming up. Whenever I tell people how long my husband and I have been together (married 15 yrs together 22) people congratulate me on our "accomplishment" and tell me how i must be so "proud". and yeah, ok, im happy i havent been through some messy divorce but considering the divorce rates (high all around the world as far as i know, but please correct me if im wrong) it makes me feel that maybe humans are not naturally pre-disposed to mate for life. But rather that it is a societal trapping we've imposed upon ourselves. Nor do I feel like there is only ONE person out there for everyone. I believe we have many soul mates in fact.

Additionally, somewhere along the way here, I heard it said that marriage is more of a religious institution. I dont see it thusly, and the only time god was mentioned at my wedding is when my father decided to interject his beliefs into my ceremony.

So what say you my illuminated, enlightened and lovely lushies? Is it the end all be all to strive to spend your entire life with one person and do you feel marriage is more a religious thing than a secular one?
Rembacher
Posted: Thursday, September 09, 2010 1:17:00 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/16/2008
Posts: 1,106
I have mixed feelings about this. I do believe that marriage originated as a religious institution to bring order to society and eliminate, or at least limit, the disruptions caused by men fighting over women.(long before women had equal rights and were allowed to make equal contributions to society) When our societies moved away from being run by religious insitutions, we still kept this method of control.

That being said, I am a romantic, so I still like the idea of spending the rest of my life with one person, a soulmate who completes, and complements me. I like the idea of marriage, the promise of it, "till death do us part." But I wouldn't necessarily need a marriage commitment, I would be happy just living together, with an unofficial commitment.
LadyX
Posted: Thursday, September 09, 2010 1:35:42 PM

Rank: Artistic Tart

Joined: 9/25/2009
Posts: 4,827
We humans weren't meant to be monogamous, it's not in our nature- I think science has established that pretty thoroughly. Like you said LMB, religion and government have encouraged marriage for the sake of what they want for society, but we've always found a way to cheat, damn the consequences. We want multiple partners, and science says that we want them because having sex with more people gives us more of a chance to pro-create.

I can't imagine getting married. I know myself too well, and whoever tied the knot with me would probably kill me or leave me within 2 years, and likewise. For those of you who are happily married and monogamous- my hats off to you. You're the minority, and lucky for it. By far most of the married people I meet are far from satisfied, though some cope by seeking sexual release elsewhere.

I think marriage is secular and religious both, but neither has anything to do with how we human monkeys are wired.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 09, 2010 4:56:05 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
LadyX wrote:
We humans weren't meant to be monogamous, it's not in our nature- I think science has established that pretty thoroughly. Like you said LMB, religion and government have encouraged marriage for the sake of what they want for society, but we've always found a way to cheat, damn the consequences. We want multiple partners, and science says that we want them because having sex with more people gives us more of a chance to pro-create.

I can't imagine getting married. I know myself too well, and whoever tied the knot with me would probably kill me or leave me within 2 years, and likewise. For those of you who are happily married and monogamous- my hats off to you. You're the minority, and lucky for it. By far most of the married people I meet are far from satisfied, though some cope by seeking sexual release elsewhere.

I think marriage is secular and religious both, but neither has anything to do with how we human monkeys are wired.


Xuani My Special Friend

I think you know and for you Lush Brothers and Sisters we have been married for more than 20 years and he is the only I have ever been in love with and I know I am the only woman his has ever been in love with. Once I understood that he was not going to take NO for an answer the choice was clear.

Does that mean we will still be in love in 20 more years and still married, one never knows, but I believe it is our only option.

Love and the sharing of the sexual blessings are separate issues in our relationship. Other sexual partners are never in secret. Well sometimes after the fact.

Nothing could be could be better than marriage, nor could anything be better than a variety of partners.

Xauni I still can not believe that any real man would ever throw you away.
rxtales
Posted: Friday, September 10, 2010 12:22:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 11/28/2008
Posts: 2,589
Location: Newcastle, United Kingdom
In the end marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything. I have met a few people in LTR who refer to their SO as their husband/wife even though they aren't legally married. They say their SO is their "wife/husband in their heart". You don't need marriage as a commitment to each other.

I was having this conversation with somebody the other day who was saying that marriage is only important when you have children, for legal reasons. Not really sure about this though, haven't done much thinking about that one.
MrNudiePants
Posted: Friday, September 10, 2010 3:57:21 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 2,140
Location: United States
"Marriage is a great institution. But I'm not ready for an institution yet..."


-- Mae West.

mercianknight
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 6:31:06 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/11/2009
Posts: 2,029
Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
I concur with some of LadyX's sentiments, however, Jebru hit a nail on the head for me, and I quote: "That being said, I am a romantic, so I still like the idea of spending the rest of my life with one person, a soulmate who completes, and complements me. I like the idea of marriage, the promise of it, 'till death do us part.'"

That just seems so right...when the time is right.

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
WellMadeMale
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 10:11:40 AM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,281
Location: Cakeland, United States
mercianknight wrote:
I concur with some of LadyX's sentiments, however, Jebru hit a nail on the head for me, and I quote: "That being said, I am a romantic, so I still like the idea of spending the rest of my life with one person, a soulmate who completes, and complements me. I like the idea of marriage, the promise of it, 'till death do us part.'"

That just seems so right...when the time is right.


You two guys should write some ad copy for Cialis commercials. geek

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 7:14:04 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
All promise outruns performance. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 7:55:04 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
eiotis123 wrote:
All promise outruns performance. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


indeed.
BigDaddyRich
Posted: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 11:17:58 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/9/2010
Posts: 668
Location: Ridge Manor, Florida, United States
Marriage is a beautiful experience if the two know how to give and take, hurt when the other one hurts, be there through good times and bad, and many other things two people share. They love each other even when they don't think about it, and last but not least, when they see each other, it takes their breath away, just to think about being together.

Well that's just my opinion, sorry if you don't like.

BigDaddyRich
maryteresa
Posted: Wednesday, September 15, 2010 8:26:43 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 1/16/2010
Posts: 10
Location: Killarney, Ireland
I met a 21 year-old tall athletic girl at a party and fell in love with her at first sight. We were married within a year.
We begat four children, two of each, who in turn have to date produced six grandchildren for us, three of each.
We're still together after 42 years and share the same bed. Life hasn't all been a bed of roses, far from it, but we've both learned to take the rough with the smooth and to stick with it.

Nowadays the sex part has waned, but we dance a lot, which we both are good at and enjoy. It's quite physical...especially the tango. They say Ginger Rogers could do everything that Fred Astaire could do on the dance floor.... backwards!!

It takes two to Tango ! That goes for marriage, too.



Carpe Diem !.....Sieze the day !
Magical_felix
Posted: Wednesday, September 15, 2010 9:39:15 AM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,869
Location: California
I'm one of those who thinks marriage doesn't improve a relationship. I think that when you aren't married and you're with someone it's because you really want to be with them. Once you get married you HAVE to be together unless you want to go through with the nightmare that is divorce. Humans (IMO) are strange creatures that like to break rules and are just rebellious in nature. Once you're married, especially with children, you don't have that big of chance that one person will just decide they want to move on. I think married people tend to let their appearance go and become less considerate of their partners creating constant arguments and contempt.



Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 4:10:03 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
Its fine as long as your partner does not expect too much.
LadyX
Posted: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 8:24:41 AM

Rank: Artistic Tart

Joined: 9/25/2009
Posts: 4,827
deadlogger wrote:
Its fine as long as your partner does not expect too much.


Welcome, deadlogger! hello2
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, October 01, 2010 8:11:49 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,230
Location: West Coast
When it comes to the concept of marriage, I guess I'm still open-minded and maybe a little idealistic.

While I don't believe in "traditional monogamy", I like the idea of sharing my life with someone that complements me, where we make each other's lives better by being together. Yes, that's the "idealistic" side of me. I prefer the concept of coming together as 'team unit', but by choice, not by obligation. Because of that, I've never grown up with these cinderella fantasies of a big diamond ring, white dress, and self-indulgent wedding day. I actually couldn't care less about any of those formal declarations of commitment... mainly because I see how little it means to so many people after the fact. And I am also someone who prefers to reject the superficialities of making that kind of commitment, just as much as the idea of pledging something to "God" for formality sake, when you don't even believe in a god. I wouldn't even want an "engagement ring"... it's not something I'd enjoy wearing on a daily basis, and to be honest I think it's a waste of money... I'd rather have more square footage than a piece of jewelry. People think it defines commitment, but I think it's total bullshit. You're only as committed as you feel.

Marriage works well if you're planning on having children, but even with that, it's not a requirement for me. As Felix said, I'd rather have a person that chooses to be with me everyday rather than one who feels obligated to be with me, because of the hassles and issues involved with breaking up. I could easily be happy just living with someone without the formality of marriage.

So I guess I like the concept of a commitment and a life partner, but without the imposition of "traditional monogamy", and without the idea that you can let everything slide once you seal the deal.

I've seen more marriages train-wreck than work well, so that has me a bit jaded for sure. But I also think a lot of those train-wrecked relationships were based on certain things that don't really interest me anyway... so maybe there's hope? Who knows. If it happens, great... if it doesn't... it's not something I feel compelled to do because of any societal or family pressure. As with much of life... I just "go with the flow", and see where it takes me.


XSakuraX
Posted: Saturday, October 02, 2010 7:16:38 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 9/27/2010
Posts: 3
Hey, first time commenting here!

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs and just recently married. However, we do not have what you would call a traditional marriage. We are in an open relationship. Not because we cant please each other in bed (believe me, thats not the case) but we know that variety is the spice of life.
I travel a LOT in my company and he understands that there is a fair chance I'll meet some stud while I'm out and hook up, and I know that while I'm gone he might frequent a strip club or bar and find a lovely young gal to keep him company while I'm gone.
We still love each other to the point where I fear we are too cute. But we both understand that sex can get stale no matter how much you try and spice it up later in life and we would rather not resent eachother if sex is the only thing bothering us down the line.
I mean we have certain rules involved with the open relationship thing, but so far its worked out without a hitch.

Anyone else in a similar boat?
Guest
Posted: Monday, October 04, 2010 6:33:15 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
I've never had any desire to be married. My parents, however, being traditional east Indian were very insistent that they find me a wife. Fortunately, I had a choice and they never forced a marriage with someone. They've since accepted it but are still hopeful. When I've asked them why I should get married, their only response is, "because you have to." So, I think, in this case, it's a matter of tradition.
Kinkynightmares
Posted: Saturday, October 30, 2010 1:33:23 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/10/2010
Posts: 23
Location: mid west
I know this is an old post but I had to reply when I saw it.

I have been married twice. The first time because it was what was expected of me by my family. The second because he begged for three years and I figured I would be with him forever so why not. I regret both.

I dont believe you have to be married to love someone or be with them for life. I believe that marriage is a religious institution adopted by the government and a marriage license gives some the idea that they are owned or they own their spouse.

For so long I was not me, I was so and so's wife and in a way this helped me to forget who I was.

I agree with the author of this post that humans are not meant to mate for life. If so our instinct to attract others would vanish when we find our life mate, thus enabling us to be totally faithful and never wonder what another would be like.
We are a race of dreamers, a race that likes to touch, taste, smell, feel and enjoy others of our kind. Its in our makeup to desire to mate with more than one person. In the beginning it was to populate the earth with as many different genetic codes as possible, now we no longer need to do this but the desire and drive still exists.

I do not intend to marry again, but me and my mate have bonded and promised to be together until the end of this life. We share everything, including fantasy's and desires, we believe this strengthens our bond.
Sharing ourselves enables us to feed that natural instinct to want others without giving up the comfort of having someone to love and be with always.
I think all relationships should be open and totally honest or they are doomed to failure.


An open mind is the greatest thing on earth, it allows creativity, acceptance, and new ideas. It can encourage those locked in their own minds to break free and experience everything life has to offer. Open your mind to anything and everything, you never know what pleasures you may be missing!
Reprehensiballs
Posted: Sunday, October 31, 2010 4:20:31 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 8/22/2010
Posts: 76
Location: Bedford
As far as i can tell the institution of marriage pre-dates recorded history and so it's not originally a religious thing. Personally I think the origins lie in being able to prove legitimacy (good for the man) and in providing security for children (good for the woman/children). I believe those values (whether religiously based or not) are still as valid now as they ever were, but....

Back in the day, people were pretty much knackered/dead by the time they were in their forties and marriage for life was not the same as it is now. A couple marrying in their early twenties are able to have children, raise them and still have another 20 or 30 years afterwards. I think perhaps the institution needs a bit of a revamp. Having said that, I waver between being completely content with my marriage (24 years) and wishing I could have a taste of what other people seem to be getting all around me. I am definitely quite jealous of young people who seem to have been born into a world where 'shopping around' a bit first is the norm rather than the exception.

If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
Guest
Posted: Sunday, November 14, 2010 8:12:58 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,756
Well I'm not sure if I really believe in monagamy but I do believe in marriage. Its just what everyone does and I sure don't want to be single forever. That would be really depressing and lonely. I have a great boyfriend now that I met through my church and I think he'll make a great husband and I know he wants to marry me. I guess we should all remember that we are human and sometimes we might make a mistake or cheat on our boyfriends or spouses but that doesn't mean that we should all just stay single. Marriage is important for so many other reasons.
Lisa
Posted: Sunday, November 14, 2010 10:43:54 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,186
Location: Victoria, Australia
Marriage works for me, but I got married because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband, not because I wanted to have a wedding and be princess-for-a-day. It didn't have anything to do with religious reasons either. Our wedding was about as hassle free and stress free as it could possibly be and still ranks as one of the most fun days of my life. I even made my own wedding cake! evil4 I don't have an engagement ring or a wedding ring, and share my husband's name only because I like the idea of a family unit, of all of us having the same last name.

If you disagree with the idea of marriage and monogamy, that's all well and good, it's definitely not everyone's cup of tea - but people who say they're not getting married because it doesn't work for anyone else are just showing how much faith they have in their ability to succeed at something. Tell yourself something's going to fail and you'll unknowingly sabotage it until it does.
She
Posted: Monday, November 15, 2010 8:49:07 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/24/2010
Posts: 2,126
Location: Europe
I am monogamous and I do not believe in institution of marriage.
I have never cheated my partner and I had quite few one night stands in my life and quite few friends with benefits, but have never cheated my partners.
The weird thing is that I do believe in relationships, of any kinde per se, but I do not need approval of country or church to have family/life with someone.
..the other day I was watching Grey's anatomy and two of them got merried in the locker room, they wrote their vows on post-it! I loved it. No fuss, no stres just something that is real to them, not to church or country/state.
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