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Loving more than one person, is it possible? Options · View
Syd
Posted: Wednesday, October 13, 2010 2:46:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/13/2010
Posts: 60
Location: WV, United States
Everyone, I have a problem, or an inner battle you could say and I'm looking for some outside perspective on this.

I currently have a boy friend, one I love very very much and honestly, can't get enough of. I know he also feels the same for me.
But, before I was with Kenneth, I was in a relationship for about 3 years with someone else. I loved him too but it never worked out because of our lifestyles and personal preferences. Although to this day, he beats himself up (figuratively) because I'm no longer there and he is sorely depressed. So I guess what my ultimate question is, is it wrong of me to still have feelings (still rather deep ones) for someone I could never be with and want to comfort even though I have the love of my life sitting right in front of me?

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
SweetPenny
Posted: Wednesday, October 13, 2010 6:55:28 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 6/15/2010
Posts: 1,271
Location: State of Confusion
In my opinion, real love is forever. You can break up with someone because he is not good for you, but that doesn't mean the love just disappears.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, October 14, 2010 9:09:09 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
So I'm going to treat this like I'm talking to my daughter when she gets a lot older, hopefully.

The guy you are not with, stop letting him intrude on your current love and affection because he can't find someone as well.

The guy you're with, you could possibly have a good thing, that is true and fulfilling, and continue a very loving relationship with. If he finds out/found out, and starts speculating as to your feelings or intentions toward the previous boyfriend, it could be the end. At a young age most males are not that deep.

Kinkynightmares
Posted: Saturday, October 16, 2010 1:27:16 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/10/2010
Posts: 23
Location: mid west
In my experience strong feelings for a past lover tend to hang on and the need to comfort them when they cannot find anyone or appear miserable without you is normal. The problem is you cannot let your caring for their happiness flow over into your current relationship. Your ex may have realized after you were gone that you were the best thing ever in his life, but his chance was used and is gone and you have moved on.
Step back and look at his emotions and words or reactions to you. Is he really that heartbroken or just afraid of being alone, or maybe jealous that you found someone to care for you and he cant? My first ex husband still has not remarried after 11 years and from time to time lets me know he still cares, but, even though i still consider him a close friend, I do not let his emotions or inability to find happiness with another have any bearing on my current relationship.
What is meant to be will be regardless of time or space. My advice is to let your ex know you can only be his friend if he stops trying to hang on to what is gone.
If your current is truly the love of your life then you want to be honest and open and cut all emotional ties with an ex. If you find yourself unable to do so, I suggest stepping back from any relationship until you can find it inside yourself to separate true love and caring from guilt of a love gone wrong.

I mean none of this in a bad or uncaring aspect, only from someone who has been there. I hope it helps.

An open mind is the greatest thing on earth, it allows creativity, acceptance, and new ideas. It can encourage those locked in their own minds to break free and experience everything life has to offer. Open your mind to anything and everything, you never know what pleasures you may be missing!
Guest
Posted: Saturday, October 16, 2010 10:14:12 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
In my opinion it is perfectly natural to love more than one person at once. If you are a loving person, then what is to say that you must only love one person at a time? The more love you can spread around, the better. It only gets complicated when one of your partners becomes insecure and questions of guilt, rejection and jealousy come up, which is ultimately a selfish reaction on their behalf. Love is a relationship between two people that should have nothing to do with whoever else you may be in love with.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, October 16, 2010 10:36:23 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
I think you can love two poeple at once....BUT, one of the lover's will get a diulted down partner.

If your gonna love a partner the only way is to love them 100% there is no other way in my mind.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, October 16, 2010 10:42:04 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
HoneyBee000 wrote:
I think you can love two poeple at once....BUT, one of the lover's will get a diulted down partner.

If your gonna love a partner the only way is to love them 100% there is no other way in my mind.

I dunno about that. You can take the bits you like about each relationship and try to inject them into the other, in a way that works for that person, so it has potential for each relationship to improve.
iceman
Posted: Sunday, October 17, 2010 7:31:55 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/30/2009
Posts: 534
Location: Caifornia
Well, you probably already know my opinion, but I'll put it here for all to see.

I know what you've gone thru, Syd, we've talked many times. I feel that you need to let the past go, completely! Don't fret over what he feels. He's an absolute control freak who will always play on your sensitivities to get you back and into his control.

You're much better off with your new boyfriend! Stay with him and be the happy girl you deserve to be. You know I'm always here for you and do love you also...

Just as long as you aren't controlled, that you hated, you can and will be happy.
sugarbabe
Posted: Sunday, October 17, 2010 1:37:33 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/30/2010
Posts: 691
Location: northeast, United States
If you are talking a relationship as of two people, then you can only love one, the one that makes you feel loved wanted sexy strong proud confident. when he touches you it gives you goose bumps, takes your breath away, the thought of making love to and waking up in the morning. Looking at what the day will bring and knowing he'll be there at the end of it. wanting to be kind and gentle, a soft place to land knowing you won't be judged. laughing with each other, if you can't give your all to one person then marriage is out of the question. you can really care for others maybe even love ,but as a romantic one, one on one love to have and to hold ,death do us part love there can only be one!

sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it


Syd
Posted: Sunday, October 17, 2010 3:38:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/13/2010
Posts: 60
Location: WV, United States
I thank everyone for their honest thoughts about my problem. I think now that I know what you guys think, it is much easier for me to get on with my life. I know its a lot like drama but I found out today, my ex will let me go get the rest of my things he has held "hostage" because I still owe him money. He finally gave up (maybe on life too, what can I say?) and is willing to let me get the rest of my belongings I still have at his house. I think I'm finally coming to the conclusion of this love-gone-wrong relationship and now I can start new with Kenneth. Thank you everyone for your help... ~Syd

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
sugarbabe
Posted: Sunday, October 17, 2010 3:49:36 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/30/2010
Posts: 691
Location: northeast, United States
sorry syd for all the heartache you are having but I do believe it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. and I don't know who said that first. smile girl it can only get betterhappy8 icon_smile

sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it


Guest
Posted: Sunday, October 17, 2010 6:48:07 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
It's always ok to start over again, Syd.
Tyking85
Posted: Sunday, October 17, 2010 7:13:44 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/26/2010
Posts: 642
Location: Toronto, Canada
I don't know if you can truly love 2 people at the exact same time. Its either, you really love someone to the fullest or that you care deeply for someone - a deep bond in friendship. You should be with someone you truly love and would walk the world for without them asking... One should not be sad or unhappy that they can't be with you, they should simply ask you, are "you" happy with your current lover! And if you are, they should be happy for you! Regardless of how sad they may be, they should be happy for you! Hope that helps.
Guest
Posted: Friday, October 22, 2010 12:18:05 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
IDK but I am a firm believer that we as human beings have the capacity of loving more than one person. Love is not and can not be condition to 1 person and that's it. I mean....you are born to love 2 parents...idealy...... Does that mean I can only love my father and not my mother??? Or vice-versa???? What if you have more than one sibling? Should I love the first one and not the last one? Or what about grandparents??? There are 4 of them to love!!!!!

SO what if you experience erotic love in more than with one person? How can you curb that feeling???

Me???? I was born to love and make love and receive love......
Syd
Posted: Friday, October 22, 2010 3:30:00 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/13/2010
Posts: 60
Location: WV, United States
Thank you Aimee. That makes a lot of sense to me. Because I love Kenneth with all my heart, and I know I'll spend the rest of my life with him. He even said he was ready to settle down and I was the one he wanted to do it with. We will be getting our own house next year too. But those things will never make me forget that I had loved another before him. That doesn't mean I love Kenneth any less. It just means I have a place in my heart for more than just one person. You all have helped me quite a bit with this. Thank you.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
Ruthie
Posted: Saturday, October 23, 2010 9:21:21 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 10/21/2010
Posts: 2,382
Location: United States
I believe that we are capable of loving an infinite number of people. Those of us who are capable of loving that is. Some people don't have the capacity for love. If you love someone you don't just stop loving them because they are far away or because you may never see them again. I can have sex without love and enjoy it, but love without sex is harder. Romantic love I mean. I assume that is the kind of love you're talking about. I'm not sure that I've ever stopped loving anyone although I have certainly tried. Separation grows easier to take with time I suppose.
Guest
Posted: Friday, October 29, 2010 12:38:04 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,397
I agree with Ruthie, although some people lack the ability to express the love they have. it also comes into play the intensity in which you love. Sometimes you don't get it back with that same intensity you give with forward.

And Syd....Just keep loving Kenneth with as much love as you have.....if it comes back you will feel rewarded.... =0)
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