Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

Just let your sooouuuuul glow!!

gobble gobble

There were two guys who happens to be the best of friends..

While walking down the street to meet their date in a few minutes, the first guy asks his buddy..."DO I LOOK OKAY?"

His buddy stops and drops his jaw staring at this buddy and started singing and twirling around with a flower on his hands.. "WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE, THERE'S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE, CAUSE BOY YOU'RE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."

The first guy looked at him seriously and punched him in the face and walked out on him..

---

hahah sorry its corny but i really find it funny

The Affluence of Incohol

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey and was told by my
wife to empty the contents down the sink or else. I
said I would and proceeded with this unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured it
down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I
drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle
and likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which
I drank. I extracted the cork from the third bottle and
poured the glass down the sink, which I drank. I pulled
the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork
from the next glass and drank one sink out it and threw the
rest down the bottle, which I drank. I pulled the sink
out the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink
and drank the pour. When I had everything empty, I
steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses,
corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which was 29
and as the house came by I counted them again.

Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which I
drank. I'm not half as think you drunk I am. I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker I stand
here the longer I get. I'm not under the affluence of
incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

Cheers

---

Two executives, Gary and Bill, staggered out of their company's Christmas party in London. Bill stumbled across the street, while Gary stumbled into a tube station. When Bill reached the other side, he noticed Gary emerging grom the station stairs.

''Where have you been?'' Bill slurred.

''I don't know,'' replied Gary, ''But you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!''

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both very, very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties, and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls had their tinkle, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife, was still in bed.....hung over.

So he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst; my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with gold ribbon and a card stuck to her ass that said:

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

---

The best thing you can do for your fellow,
next to rousing his conscience, is - not to give him things
to think about, but to wake things up that are in him...
to make him think things for himself - George MacDonald

Three old men were talking in a retirement home about their problems.
The first says, "Every morning at 7:00 I get up and try to urinate." "All day long I try to urinate , but can't."
The second says,"Every day at 8:00 I wake up and try taking a bowel movement." " All day long I try and can't."
The third says, " I'm ninety years old." "Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate." " Every morning at 8:00 sharp, I have a bowel movement."
"That's great," one of the other men said, "What's the problem?"
"I don't wake up until 9:00."

---

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The scene is a divorce court somewhere in Disneyland. Mickey Mouse is seeking to divorce his wife, Minnie.

"So, as I understand it," summed up the Judge, "you wish to divorce your wife on the grounds of insanity."

"No," Mickey replied angrily. "I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goofy!"