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Why oh Why do people hurt themselves again and again in bad relationships? Options · View
Ban
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:56:35 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 11/23/2010
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Location: Where I am
Ive recently heard a couple friends go on about how their "other" is so shit and not treating them well etc
yet they continue to surprise me by staying with them and taking more abuse (please note when I say 'abuse', I dont mean in the physical aspect)

I see people continue their ways and their torment.... for WHAT ?? the possibility of change??
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:48:27 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,268
Location: West Coast
A lot of times there is a fear of being alone or fear of having to start all over again with a new person. Even an abusive or crappy relationship offers a kind of security, which often only makes sense to the person living in it. Sometimes it seems preferable to continue trying to bail out a sinking boat rather than getting into the water again and starting to swim solo. The unknown of starting over can be scary. It gets even more scary if their immediate social circle is already coupled up or married. Being the only "single person" again can be isolating on a social level.

And of course, every bad relationship has some good things going on in it. It's almost never entirely horrible. When people are trying to justify staying, they may choose to concentrate on the good things and minimize the bad. They start to see it through rose-coloured glasses or justify their decisions with reasoning like "oh well, who's really that happy in a relationship anyway?" or "well my S.O. is under significant stress due to work/job-loss/illness etc and once those hard times pass, things will improve"...

People will find ways to justify almost any decision. But they still want to have the license to be able to complain to friends about all the negative things. Sometimes if you have a friend that's in a bad relationship, you end up becoming kind of like a free therapist to them. They want you to listen, commiserate with them, but ultimately nothing you say is going to change their mind if they are determined to stay in a bad relationship.


sprite
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 10:13:40 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,518
Location: My Tower, United States
Ban wrote:
Ive recently heard a couple friends go on about how their "other" is so shit and not treating them well etc
yet they continue to surprise me by staying with them and taking more abuse (please note when I say 'abuse', I dont mean in the physical aspect)

I see people continue their ways and their torment.... for WHAT ?? the possibility of change??


you'd be surprised at how many people stay in relationships and take more the the physical kind of abuse as well. the reasons are varied - sometimes they feel trapped, often their are self esteem issues, often the emotional ties are so strong that they find it hard to break them - it's possible, btw, to love someone so much that you'll weather the abuse, or look past it, and how many of us think that we can, given time, fix the abuser, be the one who breaks the pattern that he's developed, cure him/her? having been in a classic situation of a physically abusive relationship, i KNOW how easy it is to stay with a person, despite how bad it gets - it's often delusional, but then, we a delusional species.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Ban
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 10:45:46 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 11/23/2010
Posts: 42
Location: Where I am
I get that's it a scary if not daunting feeling of being single to start again. That is a bit of a frightening experiencen to those who are in something for sometime. But that is no reason to punish and abuse yourself worth by someone else. To receive emotional and physical abuse is not worth it in my opinion. I'd rather say take that step and starting again, than have your spirit broken and be unhappy. Not saying to you bdsm'ers this not something you should do. No those of whom are subjected to someone elses abuse need to wake up and stop it. Makes no sense to me why people justify it. (Excuse the emotional involvement here)

I'm just a single guy what do it know.
Ban
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 10:55:42 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 11/23/2010
Posts: 42
Location: Where I am
sprite wrote:
Ban wrote:
Ive recently heard a couple friends go on about how their "other" is so shit and not treating them well etc
yet they continue to surprise me by staying with them and taking more abuse (please note when I say 'abuse', I dont mean in the physical aspect)

I see people continue their ways and their torment.... for WHAT ?? the possibility of change??


you'd be surprised at how many people stay in relationships and take more the the physical kind of abuse as well. the reasons are varied - sometimes they feel trapped, often their are self esteem issues, often the emotional ties are so strong that they find it hard to break them - it's possible, btw, to love someone so much that you'll weather the abuse, or look past it, and how many of us think that we can, given time, fix the abuser, be the one who breaks the pattern that he's developed, cure him/her? having been in a classic situation of a physically abusive relationship, i KNOW how easy it is to stay with a person, despite how bad it gets - it's often delusional, but then, we a delusional species.


Yes we are a delusional race! Why because instead of take the bad and moving on we continue to do the same thing over and over again. (Excuse and angry tone) but do we do what's right ? No! We do what feels easier and what's easy to explain. Makes me furious because I'm powerless to help or do anything other than watch.
Ban
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 11:00:58 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 11/23/2010
Posts: 42
Location: Where I am
Oops slight quote error ...sorry about that
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 11:32:42 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,268
Location: West Coast
Ban wrote:
I get that's it a scary if not daunting feeling of being single to start again. That is a bit of a frightening experiencen to those who are in something for sometime. But that is no reason to punish and abuse yourself worth by someone else. To receive emotional and physical abuse is not worth it in my opinion. I'd rather say take that step and starting again, than have your spirit broken and be unhappy. Not saying to you bdsm'ers this not something you should do. No those of whom are subjected to someone elses abuse need to wake up and stop it. Makes no sense to me why people justify it. (Excuse the emotional involvement here)

I'm just a single guy what do it know.


Yeah, I agree, but some people are emotional cutters...

Nobody can convince someone to leave, it has to come from within because they feel like they deserve better and will find better.

And hey, in the cases of being in a bad relationship, being single is far better than being attached and miserable. It just takes a while for some people to have the courage to see it.

In one unhealthy relationship, I stayed a full year longer than I should have. When I look back now, all I see that is wasted time when i could have been moving on and getting my life back in order. But... you live and you learn....


Ban
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 2:14:40 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 11/23/2010
Posts: 42
Location: Where I am
Ya I see your point DD and I agree too. But doesn't change I want to slap the people for not doing something sooner .... Sigh
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 4:26:37 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,627
Sometimes people need an outside voice because they believe themselves to be powerless. No right or wrong, they are just stuck in that vicious cycle. My mom put up with that similar atmosphere for years. When I was old enough, I told both of them, if you both are staying together for me (which they were) then get over it, cause in two years I'm out of college and out of here. A week later, my mom called me on the phone crying and said she could not take it anymore. I drove home, put her in a hotel, got myself into the dorms, and found her a nice apartment. My dad played the martyr.

This can only happen when the individual in that type of relationship is ready. Just like any story, you don't know the full story even though you may have also gone through similar issues.
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