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Wife cheated should I Options · View
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 8:52:03 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
My wife cheated a couple years ago, but I still feel like I want to repay the favor. Should I. I feel like our sex life is lacking and I feel I need more excitement.
WorkAlone
Posted: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 9:25:47 PM

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Joined: 2/27/2010
Posts: 1,516
Location: Subject to Change without Notice, Canada
No

Ok well, that's the short answer version. The longer version is that payback is only going to do more damage. The damage may not just be to her either. She obviously hurt you and so you know it's wrong. It may only be a matter if time before your own cheating makes you feel just as bad, this time about yourself. You can convince yourself she didn't realize what she was doing or how it would affect you, but years later, with foresight and having just been through it on the other side, you certainly know what you're doing. how will you feel about yourself if you do this?

Just my two cents.
lkitbig
Posted: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 9:45:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/28/2010
Posts: 94
Location: all over the map
nope, nope, nope - acts done out of spite, or ones that are done because "they did it to me, so I'm going to do it to them or someone else" rarely leave a person feeling good, satisfied or content after they do it. Besides, you're not righting her wrong by mimicking her wrong. Experiencing a hurtful or offensive event in life doesn't give us the right to act out in hurtful or offensive ways to others.

Plus it's cheating. Not cool. I'm not here to judge, each to their own, but cheating just plain and simply isn't cool. Just ask that penguin above me, after all - he looks pretty cool.
WorkAlone
Posted: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 10:46:59 PM

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Posts: 1,516
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Regaeman Man
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 10:52:31 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
Don't do it. That's just fucking idiotic. Don't stoop to her level.
dan17
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 12:32:57 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/14/2011
Posts: 283
i think recompense is not a solution to the problem all you need to do talk to your wife and sort out the difference between the two of you.

always bare your mind don't solve problem to another problem later on

mrgay
Lisa
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 2:56:17 AM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,186
Location: Victoria, Australia
My 2 cents

If you choose to stay with a person after they've cheated on you, you're choosing to accept what happened. If you can't move on with the person, you're better off moving on without them.
thesilkyknot
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 3:14:13 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/23/2011
Posts: 5,520
A person chooses to take the risk of going out of the safe zone and cheat because, he/ she was deprived of something very basic. Are you being deprived? and anyways..how does it matter what one suggests, you will do what you have to...lol
foxjack
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 3:36:00 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/25/2010
Posts: 712
Location: Pierre, United States
No do not, would cheating on her really make you feel better at all; prove that you are the more loyal person.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 3:44:42 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
Oh the feeling to balance the problems ... balance is natural and not forced, so to cheat as a pay back would not balance the situation, it would just add further pain ... Best to get it out into the open and avoid unreasonable expectation...
pittmuck29
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 4:53:02 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/4/2010
Posts: 6
Yes, cheating would give you some more excitment and adventure in your sex life, but your relationship with your wife would suffer because of it. Cheating doesn't fix what she did. My suggestion talk to your wife and be perfectly honest with her "hey, honey, our sex life sucks and is really boring right now, let's find a way to change things up a little." Chances are she may agree with you, that may have been part of why she cheated in the first place. And if both of you want to sleep with other people, maybe suggest an open relationship or inviting people into the bedroom with you.
WorkAlone
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 8:36:52 AM

Rank: Cogent Sensualist

Joined: 2/27/2010
Posts: 1,516
Location: Subject to Change without Notice, Canada
There is a moment of power here if you want to try an open relationship. She cheated, you want to cheat, maybe there's a workable solution there. There may be a problem with your closed relationship if you both want to cheat but open relationships can be really hard. It may be attractive to think you can date other woment but picture your wife telling you she's heading out for her date tonight and that you shouldn't wait up for her. Right now, you may have some extra power because she strayed, but pressing that advantage may lead to an unbalanced agreement that will ultimately lead to the end of the relationship. I know a couple going through this right now and it isn't pretty.

Anyways, yes, an open relationship may be an answer and would have the advantage that you're being open and honest with your spouse. As such, it's not cheating and you can have a clear conscience. But, it's probably a mine field right now and you have to careful about how you approach it, set it up, and negotiate it to make it something sustainable. Personally, I think it's too dangerous to do under these circumstances since you really need a STRONGER relationship to be open rather than a weakened one, but that's just a personal opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Good luck!
2706ali
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 8:45:34 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/5/2010
Posts: 285
Location: London
Lisa wrote:
My 2 cents

If you choose to stay with a person after they've cheated on you, you're choosing to accept what happened. If you can't move on with the person, you're better off moving on without them.


This is very true,however you could try to inject ,all that has been lost,by making more effort to make her feel wanted and desired,a weekend away perhaps !!!,some nice lingerie,a bit of joint pampering.....As you have stuck around ,give it another shot !!!
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 10:59:24 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,234
Location: West Coast
lkitbig wrote:
nope, nope, nope - acts done out of spite, or ones that are done because "they did it to me, so I'm going to do it to them or someone else" rarely leave a person feeling good, satisfied or content after they do it.


I disagree with this one... a good revenge fuck can be surprisingly satisfying. But... you have to be prepared to walk out of the relationship after you 'get even'.


As for the OP's question... it sounds like you're using the prior indiscretion as your "get out of jail free" card. You're not doing this in order to get revenge or prove a point... you just want to cheat because you're bored and feel like IF she were ever to find out, you can throw down the old "well you did it first" card to absolve yourself of blame on a technicality.

I understand the rationale behind those thoughts but... ask yourself two questions.
1) are you truly at peace with the past in that she cheated and you have been able to get over this or are you still harbouring anger and resentment?
2) if you are this bored and unsatisfied in your relationship, do you really want to stay with her?

I always think that it's better to be single and open to new adventures than unhappy at home and sneaking around behind the scenes. Maybe your relationship has just run its course and it's time to move on. If you do stay with her and she finds out, I don't think your 'get out of jail free' card will work the way you want it to. Because if she does forgive you... she'll be able to play the next one.


Magical_felix
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 12:19:18 PM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,870
Location: California
If you do cheat, make sure the girl you cheat with is hotter. Or else you'll still feel shitty... Maybe even worse.



Guest
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 2:15:51 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
two wrongs do not make a right.Get over it or get out. Been there,done that!
Guest
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 6:35:10 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
Thanks all for the input. Deep inside I know what is right, but sometimes I just need someone to remind me not to act stupidly. I have to admit, I have had alot of differing emotions and sometimes they can get the best of you. I don't know that even if the situation presented itself for an affair, I could go through with it. Unfortunately, I can' say that I have fully forgiven her in the years since the affair. I still get angry. My biggest issue is that I cant honestly say that I got the feelings back that I had prior to finding out. I still don't feel the same toward her. Maybe I have forgotten how to love. She doesn't know how I feel, and I struggle with telling her. Is it a burden that I just need to carry to keep my family together? If not for the children, I am sure I would have left her. I grew up pretty much without a father, and I don't want them to have to do the same.
funwithwife50
Posted: Thursday, June 02, 2011 7:02:12 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/2/2011
Posts: 125
Location: sharing my wife, United States
revenge is sweet but not when kids are involved. You get caught you lose the kids, the house and the family pet. Not worth it when you put the price tag on it. If you want out because of not forgiving and being angry then get out. Don't seek an excuse to get caught to get back at her. Obviously she did not give a shit about the kids or you when she did it....so what do you say when you do it....the same thing. Married, loveless, kids are the only reason I am in it. Been cheated on by my first childs mom, spent the rest of his life traveling 3 hrs one way to see him. Not worth it, if you are pissed tell her. Get it out on the table or man up and eat the guilt and hatred and move on for the kids sake. That is just my take on it.
Guest
Posted: Friday, June 03, 2011 10:00:48 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
Simple.

NO. Move on.
Guest
Posted: Friday, June 10, 2011 5:44:07 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
Yeah! I mean, after all....two wrongs make a right....RIGHT? Oh no wait, wrong. Don't do it, if you want to fuck around with another woman then be the bigger person, split up with her and go do just that.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, June 11, 2011 8:39:45 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
john9999 wrote:
Thanks all for the input. Deep inside I know what is right, but sometimes I just need someone to remind me not to act stupidly. I have to admit, I have had alot of differing emotions and sometimes they can get the best of you. I don't know that even if the situation presented itself for an affair, I could go through with it. Unfortunately, I can' say that I have fully forgiven her in the years since the affair. I still get angry. My biggest issue is that I cant honestly say that I got the feelings back that I had prior to finding out. I still don't feel the same toward her. Maybe I have forgotten how to love. She doesn't know how I feel, and I struggle with telling her. Is it a burden that I just need to carry to keep my family together? If not for the children, I am sure I would have left her. I grew up pretty much without a father, and I don't want them to have to do the same.


Have you tried marriage counseling? It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of and trained professionals may be able to help you and your wife work through this. If it is affecting you, it is affecting her and the kids whether you realize it or not.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, June 12, 2011 6:47:47 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
I agree with most of the replys.
No, you can't change history and that is history.
Talk with your wife and experss your feelings, needs, wants and desires.
You may be plesantly surprised with the out come.
Be honest and true to yourself, and if she know longer wants to
grow and be happy with you, move on.
Life is to short to live not being happy.
Good luck
WellMadeMale
Posted: Sunday, June 12, 2011 5:41:26 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,281
Location: Cakeland, United States
john9999 wrote:
My wife cheated a couple years ago, but I still feel like I want to repay the favor. Should I. I feel like our sex life is lacking and I feel I need more excitement.


Seduce her mother AND father and then get nasty as hell. Take pix and post them to TMZ.

Drive that cyber dagger through everyone's heart.

Did you need to ask this question..? If so, you're really someone we should worry about.

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
666Damian666
Posted: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 3:11:20 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/24/2011
Posts: 2
It might be best to think about how much hurt and pain you felt yourself when your wife told you that she had cheated on you. It's obvious that you still love / care about your wife; so would you really want to inflict that same pain on her by cheating on you? If the answer is yes then it possibly might be the right time to seperate as the cheating is affecting you more than you realise.

I hope you come to the right answer whatever it is.
Restored_1966
Posted: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 9:31:50 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 5/9/2011
Posts: 14
I am going to add my thoughts that come from personal experience, the way I should have done it instead of how I actually did it.
If she cheated and you are thinking of cheating, it is time to get your affairs (yes I see the pun) in order and end the relationship. It may seem like a harsh thing to say and all the above advice given is great but my opinion is to move on.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 1:52:16 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,281
Location: Cakeland, United States
Several years ago, after I had been involved and cohabiting with a young woman for a few years...our work and school schedules began to eat into the time together she and I could share. I think I also took her for granted as well and allowed my assumptions to cloud my better judgement.

She began a sexual relationship with a man she worked closely with on a daily basis and after a few months I simply confronted her with my suspicions and her silence confirmed what she was unwilling to give voice to.

I then helped her move out of our residence and into this other man's home, as we both felt we should end our relationship.

Within the space of three months she was moving out of his house, breaking off all contact with him, quitting her job and taking another with a different firm. She and I remained friends.

She expressed to me her profound sorry and regret for straying while we were together, but try as I might...while I still felt close to her in many ways, I could not ever trust her again to the point necessary - I felt/feel...for a continuation with our relationship at a level approaching what we once enjoyed/endured.

Often times, doing the right thing results in emotional pain...but not doing the correct thing will result in even more mental havoc.

It simply was not meant to be, for the long term.

Becoming a 'cheater' to strike back at someone is not something I would want to become, nor an act I would relish having on my resume'. I'd think you'd have to locate a willing cheating partner for one thing, or you'd be cheating with an innocent person and risk hurting him or her, as well.

Pfft, screw a bunch of that noise.

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 6:41:30 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,758
dirtyoldguy wrote:
I agree with most of the replys.
No, you can't change history and that is history.
Talk with your wife and experss your feelings, needs, wants and desires.
You may be plesantly surprised with the out come.
Be honest and true to yourself, and if she know longer wants to
grow and be happy with you, move on.
Life is to short to live not being happy.
Good luck



I agree with you on this honesty is the best policy and if it doesn't work move on.
JesseS
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 9:00:11 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 119
Location: United States
Guest wrote:
Thanks all for the input. Deep inside I know what is right, but sometimes I just need someone to remind me not to act stupidly. I have to admit, I have had alot of differing emotions and sometimes they can get the best of you. I don't know that even if the situation presented itself for an affair, I could go through with it. Unfortunately, I can' say that I have fully forgiven her in the years since the affair. I still get angry. My biggest issue is that I cant honestly say that I got the feelings back that I had prior to finding out. I still don't feel the same toward her. Maybe I have forgotten how to love. She doesn't know how I feel, and I struggle with telling her. Is it a burden that I just need to carry to keep my family together? If not for the children, I am sure I would have left her. I grew up pretty much without a father, and I don't want them to have to do the same.


From the above, it appears that the marriage ended when she cheated. The rest is just admirsable and well intentioned child support. Depending on their ages it may be fine to stay with the situation until they are 18. However, the dynamics in house so obviously full of angst don't make for the perfect childhood, so you might want to seriously considering other options. For you to cheat now, would only complicate those already undesireable dynamics and, worse, make you an equal partner in creating them. Think critically on this, it is the type of situation in which many honest and intelligent people will talk themselves into believing that what is easiest is what is right. It is a tough one.
charl1e5
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 10:20:25 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/28/2011
Posts: 141
Location: United Kingdom
No dont! it will only make things worse and give her the go ahead to do it again, you need to look at the reason she cheated on you in the first place.
bibilife
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 10:58:00 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/28/2012
Posts: 37
Location: cairo, Egypt
as long as she tells the details it is not considering as cheating !!
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