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MistressS
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 11:24:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
I've been asked to make this topic before, and with some recent events I sadly feel it is needed.

This thread is for people new to this lifestyle, those who just want to learn more about it and, hopefully, help those who have the wrong view of it to understand better.

I welcome any dom/mes and subs to give their own views on things as well, and also for anyone to ask any questions you may have, I or another member will try to answer them.

To begin with, I'll try to dispel some wrong views people have about BDSM.

1. Being part of BDSM is not a mental problem, it is a lifestyle choice that people enjoy and does NOT mean there is anything wrong with them.

2. A very important point is everything done in BDSM should be safe and consensual. Anyone involved must be aware and agree to what they want to happen and must be safe about how they go about it.

3. It is not only about pain, the letters stand for (Bondage and Discipline) (Domination and Submission) (Sadism) and (Masochism), while some may enjoy pain, this is only part of BDSM and is not done by all, from most I know, those that do enjoy pleasure through pain is actually the minority of the group.

3.1. I should add here, pain may be used as part of punishments if a sub breaks their rules, a Dom/me will usually not enjoy having to really punish their sub, but it is necessary, but is NOT the only thing the relationship is about.

4. ALWAYS respect and abide by the rules given to a sub by their Dom/me, NEVER ask them to break these rules, and especially NEVER ask them to leave their Dom/me, that is just wrong and if you do, the Dom/me is perfectly in their right to warn you off and tell their sub to never speak to you again, and will likely give your name to other Dom/mes and subs to warn them as well, we in the lifestyle look out for each other.

5. Unless a sub is your sub, or you have express permission from the sub if they are unowned or a subs Dom/me if they are, you should NEVER try to dominate or try to play with them, it will not be received well. And if a sub is owned it is best not to ask their Dom/me to 'borrow' them as it were, almost every Dom/me will say no and may take offence.

That is all from me for now, I will leave any other points for others to add here, I hope people will read this and better understand our lifestyle, thank you to those who do.

mssubmale40
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 12:13:32 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/7/2010
Posts: 1
Location: southeast
very informative post and well written Thank You for taking the time to do this
sprite
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 12:52:34 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
Thank you, MistressS for starting this thread. It's been something I've been threatening to do for a while now. Forces my hand, so to speak. I'm going to try to post in bite sized increments, seeing as how i have a lot to say on the subject.

A little back ground for everyone. i identify as a sub. i've been involved in a total of 4 D/s relationships, the most recent one being somewhat unconventional. My current partner/wife/owner/Mistress is also my best friend and unlike many of the people 'in the life' we don't practice a full time Mistress/pet relationship. Personally, if she felt comfortable with that, i would agree, but one thing i hope people realize, being a Dom/me is not all fun and games. it's a lot of responsibility and a lot of work at time. Rewarding, yes - after all, it is a labor of love, but still, it's not always easy.

ok, Sprite's topic of the day : Control. I am cheating, using a previous post from a less viewed thread, but it's one i stand by and needs to be a part of this. remember, this is all through my eyes as a submissive woman.


Control. now here's an eye opener - a lot of subs who are into D/s? it's all about having control rather than giving it up. we have a CHOICE, we choose our partner, who we decide to relinquish control to, we trust them, GOOD D/s relationships have a serious of red/yellow/and green lights in them - certain things that we can trust our Dom/mes to either do to us, be careful about, or NEVER subject us to. and we have the ability to put a stop to anything that makes us uncomfortable with the use of a safe word. total control over what is done to us and, for many of us, that is very important.

i have been in relationships where i lost control, where it was taken from me - i think, because of this, i am more drawn to elements of bdsm, not despite it. it's good to know that you have a Dom/me who will take care of you, look out for your safety, protect you and yes, sexually stimulate you as well.

You can usually tell when i am feeling insecure or unloved or stressed out. i tend to fall back into a more submissive nature, one that often times bleeds over online. And, when i am feeling loved, secure, happy? that's when i tend to be a little bit more bouncy or bratty, as some might describe it. :)

ok, that's today's lesson, boys and girls. No homework for today but look out for a pop quiz on friday! ;)


http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
sprite
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 1:00:09 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
One more item: As MistressS said, it's not about pain. a lot of D/s relationships don't have elements of pain attached to them, or, if they do, it tends to be mild. Good Dom/mes don't enjoy spanking, etc their subs and, if forced to do so as an extreme punishment, it's as hurtful to them as the sub (which, as a sub, is a punishment in itself, knowing that they are forcing their Dom into doing something they don't like - see? it's complicated!). That said, this is not always true. i identify as a pain slut. i like it, it gets me off. not extreme pain... well, some of you might think so, but i don't see it as such, but a lot more then most of you would find reasonable. That said, i volenteer to take on questions or what have you on the subject if anyone has them as well as post my feeling on it from time to time.



http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Augmax
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 4:57:11 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/17/2011
Posts: 5
More please !!!!!
jerseylynn
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 5:38:00 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 1,391
Location: around and about Hell, United States
I was wondering if a Dom/Mistress could post something about when there is a separation (or just in a separation period) and what a new sub/slave needs to do when going to a new Master/Mistress. I see subs/slaves jumping from one to another to another. There is a protocol that should be followed.

Oooo and Please...always Capt the M, D, S in Master/Mistress/Madam, Dom/Domme or Sir...it shows the proper respect that should be given. Thank You in advance.

No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
Guest
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 10:09:22 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,806
First of all thank you MistressS. This is great. I feel like we end up repeating ourselves a lot each time we find someone new who doesn't know much about BDSM. Ok I'm a slave so I can't answer Jersey's stuff but I have a few little things I wanted to add.

Just as every person is different so are all the D/s relationships you find. Each Master has their own style and rules, and each sub likes different things. The most important thing is being open and honest and really get to know the other person. You really have to be able to trust each other. It scares me to see people jump into new relationships without knowing the person, you can really get hurt.

I'd also like to clarify one other thing. Like a few other couples on this site, me and my Master met here, our relationship relies on the internet to keep us in contact. That however does mean that it is just play or any less real. I have had a few people think that our relationship is fake, or that cyber sex is fake so it should be ok and allowed. As MistressS mentioned, for anyone talking to a sub/slave, please respect all of their rules, they are there to protect them. If you go too far more then likely they will not be allowed to talk to you anymore. Each sub/slave will know their own rules, if you are worried about stepping on anyone's toes just ask what would be ok with them.

We are just people with maybe a slightly different idea of what we want out of a relationship. But for those people who thing having or being a sub is disrespectful or demeaning, I don't think I've ever had someone respect or trust me more then my Master does. And for those people who think having a sub/slave is just an easy way to have someone to do whatever you want or fuck you whenever you want, it's really not, as Sprite said, being a Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme is a lot of work. I'm really not the best to talk about the mind set of the dominant person so I'll leave that for someone else. I've just seen what all my Master and others have had to do to protect and deal with their subs/slaves.

Ok, one last thing. I'm just so lucky to have found a Master like mine and a community like this. Everyone is always so kind and supportive. If anyone has any questions, there are a bunch of really knowledge able people around who have been doing this for a really long time and seem to know everything so don't be afraid to ask!
:)
sprite
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 11:14:04 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
Ok, as many of you might know, i am not the most organized of people, so you're getting what you're getting as i think about it. As i said before, i am a sub and everything i put forth is from my viewpoint. Hopefully, the Masters and Mistresses will be sharing their feelings as well.

A word about punishments. One thing that needs to be established early on is what really are punishments and what are punishable offences. Everyone Dom/me-sub couple is unique and probably will have different answers. Some subs hate being spanked and it works as a punishment. Some enjoy it and it becomes a game, often a playful one, to see if they can get spanked. When i can sit down and put it into words, i'll talk about the reasons that punishment are important in a D/s relationship and why, despite what it looks like from the outside, it's not abusive and actually beneficial to the sub.

For me, true punishment is never physical. The worst thing my Mistress can do to me, the one thing that get her point across is ignoring me. A typical punishment session. We sit down and talk about what i've done that deserves to be punished and what is an appropriate punishment. As i said, my relationship is not typical of the life style, so we may be unique, even among D/s couples.

A typical punishment is a time out. A time out consists of kneeling on the bedroom floor, my nose pressing a dime against the wall (which i am not allowed to let fall) for a specified amount of time during which my Mistress sits behind me on the bed and reads. I hate it. that said, it also allows me to focus. Quiet time, she calls it, and it's good for both of us. She gets a break from my craziness (if i'm being punished, there is usually craziness going on) and i get a break from it as well... it became a form of meditation which settles my brain a little. Like i said, i hate it, at least going in, but i won't argue the fact that it's beneficial to me. Other forms of punishment often used are taking away something treasured (such as on time line on Lush :) ), denial of orgasms (be it hours, days, or even weeks), taking away shopping or movie priviledges, etc.

One of the main reasons, btw, that i do NOT enjoy being punished, is not he punishment. it's that i put my Mistress in a position where she felt the need to punish me. It's not something she enjoys, most don't, and i am truly contrite for my actions.

hope that helps a bit. btw? i am making myself available either her, or thru messages, to answer questions. I don't claim to be an authority, but i think i have a good idea of the basics for any one curious to learn more for whatever reason about BDSM.




http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
olderthandirt
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 1:11:36 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 5/3/2011
Posts: 29
Location: Upstate, United States
I am a relatively new to BDSM and coming in I had different expectations which my Mistress set straight intimidatingly. I admit I am hardheaded and need a special woman to corral me in Mistress has used several ways to discipline me. Right of the bat Mistress threatened to drop me as her sub. I was panicking that Mistress would follow through this turned out to be the first way to Sprite said to focus me and it worked. Yes Mistress has punished me with pain and I deserved i but more often Mistress has used other means cutting of Lush is one that is very effective. Using pain is not always the best means to punish me ( I like pain to much). I have a Mistress that is perfect in my mind for me. Mistress is making me a better person, man, and lover. I follow my Mistress in ever rule she lays down for me. Respect and trust is foremost in a D/s role. I trust my Mistress with my better being and care.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 7:12:57 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,806
In response to Jersey's post...Separation and or a Release from one Top is something that is not taken likely for those who are really into the lifestyle and not just playing at it. Separation or Release usually occurs when boundaries that have been set continue to be broken not just by the submissive but also by the Top. Another reason is because of a submissive refusal to be trained, or the Top cannot handle or train the submissive, these are only two reasons, there could be many more depending on the contract between the Top and submissive.

Separation...like I said separation can occur for many reason, during a separation the Top may choose another Top to act as a protector, one to whom the submissive may go to when being approached by other Tops, to inform them respectfully that the submissive is not available, I say He will tell them respectfully because these other Tops should show the same respect to Him and the submissive Top by not pursuing the submissive during this time. Submissive may also have made a the choice for the separation, and if this is so, the submissive can tell other Tops that they are in a separation period, Tops should respect this and leave the submissive alone, respecting their choice. I am using the word CHOICE just like Sprite did, because for me choice and trust are the cornerstones of this lifestyle for me.

Release...if a Top has released a submissive, it is the submissive choice of when to choose another Top, Top should respect the submissive, they might tell the submissive of why they think the submissive should choose to come to them, but if the submissive tells them that they are not ready, the said Tops should respect that and not push..

As far as what is seen on here that Jersey brought up about all the jumping around from Top to Top, either the submissive is new to the lifestyle and hasnt been trained or instructed well enough, or they are just playing out a fantasy which is what this site and some others are for, those in the lifestyle have and will recognized these people, and should instruct them when they can, if the said person isnt up to the instruction, they should just let it go, this is a adult site where people can choose for themselves, no one should be berated for choosing to indulge in a fantasy, the lifestyle community is small, the ones in it should be able to find someone who embraces it, like Forrest Gump mother said...stupid is as stupid does..

sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:31:03 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
olderthandirt wrote:
I am a relatively new to BDSM and coming in I had different expectations which my Mistress set straight intimidatingly. I admit I am hardheaded and need a special woman to corral me in Mistress has used several ways to discipline me. Right of the bat Mistress threatened to drop me as her sub. I was panicking that Mistress would follow through this turned out to be the first way to Sprite said to focus me and it worked. Yes Mistress has punished me with pain and I deserved i but more often Mistress has used other means cutting of Lush is one that is very effective. Using pain is not always the best means to punish me ( I like pain to much). I have a Mistress that is perfect in my mind for me. Mistress is making me a better person, man, and lover. I follow my Mistress in ever rule she lays down for me. Respect and trust is foremost in a D/s role. I trust my Mistress with my better being and care.


One thing this brings up. A lot of subs end up taking on Dom/mes because they get desperate and NEED that relationship, just like "ordinary couples" often form for fear of being single or alone. As with any relationship, the best ones are ones where the sub finds a Dom/me whose style FITS them. I should point out that this is not always going to be a romantic pairing. Sometimes that changes, sometimes not. Nor is is always sexual. Often, a sub just needs to be able to turn over control (remember what i said about choice!) to someone to help them focus or to find their comfort zone or as a way of letting go. I've talked to people who used being a sub as a way to relax and let go, people who work at high pressure, stressful jobs where they need to make decisions and be in charge, and they need a break from that and someone to tell them what to do sometimes. It allows them to explore that other side of themselves.

one other thing. I think we girls have it easier. it's a little more "natural" for being to see us being subs. Men tend to look at other guys who enter the lifestyle and see sissies or wimps. In fact, the opposite it true. The courage that it takes to be out as a sub if you are a guy is astonishing in my opinion. you're setting yourself up for all sorts of ridicule. Any men out there who are subs? I salute you and admire you. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not courageous, beautiful beings.

Once again, this is not definative, just the view thru the eyes of a sub. :)




http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:34:42 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
mikeinsc wrote:


As far as what is seen on here that Jersey brought up about all the jumping around from Top to Top, either the submissive is new to the lifestyle and hasnt been trained or instructed well enough, or they are just playing out a fantasy which is what this site and some others are for, those in the lifestyle have and will recognized these people, and should instruct them when they can, if the said person isnt up to the instruction, they should just let it go, this is a adult site where people can choose for themselves, no one should be berated for choosing to indulge in a fantasy, the lifestyle community is small, the ones in it should be able to find someone who embraces it, like Forrest Gump mother said...stupid is as stupid does..



One of the nice things about being online is the chance to experiment and try out things in a safe enviornment. Just as some people are bi-curious, some are bdsm curious and i encourage those who are to explore that side of themselves in the relative anonimity of the online world. who knows, you may end up finding a perfect fit for yourselves! :)

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
rxtales
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:39:48 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 11/28/2008
Posts: 2,589
Location: Newcastle, United Kingdom
I have been in a few D/s relationships, both online and in person. I have had experiences with Doms who use BDSM as an excuse to abuse and take advantage of people who are submitting to them. I am definitely glad to see this thread.

I have been in almost 24/7 relationships and I know they are something I never want to be in. Although I can be very submissive sexually, I am a rather independant, dominant person outside of the bedroom. I have jumped quickly into relationships which were disasturous. There aren´t really any set rules in a BDSM relationship, just like there aren´t set rules for a vanilla relationship. Different things work for different people.

To add to oint number 4: Trust is a massive part of a D/s relationship, and discussing things like limits is very important. Just because you are submissive to someone doesn´t mean that they can do anything to you. Boundaries are really important. It´s a two way street. A sub should respect their Dominant´s boundaries as well.

shadowcat
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:47:29 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/12/2010
Posts: 165
Location: Somewhere fun, United Kingdom
I am very new to the BDSM scene, but i know i need to be submissive. I have spoken to a few people and they all have differing ideas on what they want from their Sub. However they all agree that a Dom/Sub relationship can not be conducted on line. Anybody agree/disagree. This is a part of my life i want to explore but am clueless as to what i do next, how i find a Master etc. Any advice wouls be much appreciated. Thanks
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:52:58 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
rxtales wrote:


To add to oint number 4: Trust is a massive part of a D/s relationship, and discussing things like limits is very important. Just because you are submissive to someone doesn´t mean that they can do anything to you. Boundaries are really important. It´s a two way street. A sub should respect their Dominant´s boundaries as well.



This brings up another point. Topping from the bottom. Some subs tend to try to wrestle control, sort of direct their Dom/mes. it can be subtle. One of the things that needs to be established right away is what a Dommes limits are as well. Just as your Master shouldn't be doing anything to you that you aren't willing to submit to, you shouldn't be pushing him to do things to you that he's not comfortable with - it's disrespectful, not just in a D/s context, but in a humanistic one to.

As i admitted earlier, i am a pain-slut, something which my Mistress is not comfortable with. Hence, it's not something we play with very often. in fact, it's very rare. I respect that and i don't push her in that regard. i have also been very careful about being honest when i am having those need and not going outside of the relationship to fulfill them. Trust and honesty are very big factors in D/s relationships. And both Dom/me and sub should have a safe word if they find themselves in uncomfortable territory.



http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:00:49 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
shadowcat wrote:
I am very new to the BDSM scene, but i know i need to be submissive. I have spoken to a few people and they all have differing ideas on what they want from their Sub. However they all agree that a Dom/Sub relationship can not be conducted on line. Anybody agree/disagree. This is a part of my life i want to explore but am clueless as to what i do next, how i find a Master etc. Any advice wouls be much appreciated. Thanks


Online bdsm can work. in fact, in my opinion, it's not a bad way to learn about yourself and your needs. there are a number of couples here that i hope will chime in about online relationships, cause their are some successful ones. as in any relationship, yes, an offline one is preferable, but not always possible. :) my suggestion, don't settle for the first Master who comes along - test the waters, make it a trial basis - not everyone is a good fit - make sure you both agree to what you want out of it. remember, as a sub, if it's not working for you, it's your responsibility to make sure your Master knows that you need certain things or that some things aren't comfortable for you. you have to speak up sometimes. being a sub isn't about mindlessly accepting everything. :)

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:02:03 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,806
shadowcat wrote:
I am very new to the BDSM scene, but i know i need to be submissive. I have spoken to a few people and they all have differing ideas on what they want from their Sub. However they all agree that a Dom/Sub relationship can not be conducted on line. Anybody agree/disagree. This is a part of my life i want to explore but am clueless as to what i do next, how i find a Master etc. Any advice wouls be much appreciated. Thanks


I disagree, it is possible to have an online relationship, it is just different. I've never had a real life relationship, but it probably depends on the people. If it is online it is a lot easier to get away with breaking the rules. (And Sir I don't speak from experience). The submissive needs to be more open and honest. Instead of the submissive being caught breaking rules, they need to tell the Top about breaking the rules. I have had to tell my Master when I have been bad. I was so scared telling him, just that alone was like a little punishment. The punishments an online submissive receives also need to be different. The Top can't actually spank you or punish you personally so you need to come up with other options.

If you are new it could be a good idea to start online. As people have said it's a good way to experiment. As far as finding a Master I suggest just talking to a bunch of people. Sort of interview them, try to see who fits with you and who you fit with.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:13:29 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,806
shadowcat wrote:
I am very new to the BDSM scene, but i know i need to be submissive. I have spoken to a few people and they all have differing ideas on what they want from their Sub. However they all agree that a Dom/Sub relationship can not be conducted on line. Anybody agree/disagree. This is a part of my life i want to explore but am clueless as to what i do next, how i find a Master etc. Any advice wouls be much appreciated. Thanks


Oh and I forgot, since you are just starting it might be good for you to start with a Master with a little more experience. They will have more of an idea how to help you and protect you. But finding someone you fit with is more important so don't let the experience stop you. My Master has been doing this for a while now and it was really helpful. He has taught me so much about how to be a good slave in our relationship and about BDSM in general.
shadowcat
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:16:45 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/12/2010
Posts: 165
Location: Somewhere fun, United Kingdom
Thanks guys that helps. If anyone thinks they can help me explore my needs in greater depth feel free to message me and we can chat.
Especially those who have on line relationships and can advise on how to 'interview'people
jerseylynn
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 11:28:26 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 1,391
Location: around and about Hell, United States
For me when I see a Master/Dom/Mistress come into a room and immediately look for a sub to collar that is a red flag. For me the process of receiving the collar should be special and not one to just have a stranger snap on immediately without discussing boundaries/punishments and training. The collar be real or invisible is a sign of trust and commitment that your Dom/Master/Mistress have discussed and are ready for.

It is the responsibility of the Dom/Master/Mistress to see to the subs/slaves training. From what I'm hearing and are seeing the training is always different just depending on where the Master/Dom/Mistress has trained at. Just like in life no 2 are the same.

No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
felinuskingus
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 12:49:10 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/22/2011
Posts: 4
Location: at my pc chatting, United States
I have some very good girls that submit and love me and I love each and everyone of them. I have only one that has submitted to me totally and completely and I love her a lot. I let my girls be who they are and don't try to change them but just add to who and what they are and it lets them care and trust me even more.
MistressS
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 12:56:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
Ok, today's topic from me: Punishments. I've been asked about them a few times and seems a good point to add after sprite's and felinus's posts.

To begin with, a punishment does not mean a Dom/me is abusing their sub, it is done to help the sub be a better person and follow their rules better, as I said before, most Dom/me's hate having to punish their subs. Also, some believe punishments are too harsh from some Dom/me's, or too light, what is most important here is, everyone is different, and as such, punishments need to be different.

As I see it, there are two main categories of:

1. Physical: These will usually take the form of spanking, with various methods such as hands, paddles, belts or whips for example, it is very important a Dom/me knows how far they can go with these, push a sub too far with their punishments and they will either resent or fear you, which is definitely not how the relationship should be (This is the complicated bit, often a sub will, or should, be scared of punishments, this keeps them from wanting to incur them, but they should NOT fear the Dom/me, that alone is enough to destroy the trust and faith, that as others have said, is the cornerstone of the relationship.

2.Non-physical: These are usually what is used by many I know, and myself. As sprite has said, these will usually involve taking something the sub likes, for my sub that means, like sprite, she is put in time out for however long I feel she has earned, and she is to stay there till I call her out. Another that sprite mentioned is orgasm denial, these may be harder to implement if a Dom/me still wants to play with their sub but if you can use it, it is a very effective punishment. It may seem harsh to some, but as I have said before, it is to teach the sub to be a better person and is ultimately for their benefit. Often a having break will give the sub time to relax, and to think.

As a personal point I'll add here from what my pet has told me, and others, when a sub is being punished it is not the punishment its self that hurts the most, it is the thought that they have upset their Dom/me and made them have to punish them. When my pet is in time out, or receiving any punishment for that matter, I feel terrible, all I want to do is hold her and assure her I am not upset with her, but I know she needs the punishment, and I need to give it.

As she has explained it to me, it's like the punishment is a way to redeem herself for having misbehaved or broken a rule, she needs it to feel she has been forgiven, if I were to let her get away with what she has done she would feel guilty.

On a leaving note, as others have said, both Dom/me and sub should have safe words, and if a punishment is getting too much for a sub they should use their. However, a sub must understand, they are being punished for a reason, they should not just use their safe word to get out of it because they don't want to be punished. That is not what the word is for, it should be used if they are being pushed too far, but not simply because they are being punished. (Yes, this is complicated)
MistressS
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 1:27:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
Ok. to add to a few points I've seen here.

It is possible to have a D/s relationship online, I have seen many who do have it exclusively online, and for some it is a good way to experiment and see if they will like it, the problem you have to be careful of, is some only want to live out a fantasy, but others live the lifestyle on a more permanent basis, whether this be 24/7 or, like sprite, on occasion but still not limited to the bedroom. There are some who have started out online and found the perfect Dom/me or sub for them, and have met up in real life.

My personal view, is it is preferable to be together in real life, but online has some advantages too, for example you can test out new things and it is easier to stop it if you don't like it, also, if either side is getting uncomfortable with the relationship, whatever the reason, it is easier to get out and away, I'd like to say it doesn't happen, but some do feel the relationship has gone somewhere they are uncomfortable with and want out. This is easy online, but in the real world, and I am very sorry to say this happens, but on occasion one side will not let the other go, this happens with subs, but is most common in Dom/me's, they feel they still own the sub and wont leave them alone, like I said, this can happen with a sub but is less common.


A point Jersey brought up, I too have seen Dom/me's jump on and proclaim they are looking for a sub to collar, while I know this isn't always the case, but often people who say that do not understand the relationship, they are often of the belief that being a Dom/me is easy and means you get to have someone to live out any fantasy you want for you. This is NOT true, and idea's like that are why this lifestyle still brings up bad images to those who don't understand it.

Being collared is a big deal to a sub, I waited a long time before I actually gave my sub a collar from me, if you read my stories you'll see she did wear a collar that she already owned, but what I didn't add in my story to save time, and space was we talked for a very long time about it, what we wanted, our limits and other things before she put that one on, and it wasn't even my collar, that one was hers, I waited for so long to give her mine because I wanted to make sure that we both wanted it.

Those that truly just want a Dom/me straight away to collar them, or when a Dom/me wants to collar a sub straight away are, I am sad to say, often trying to fill a gap, for example if a Dom/me had a sub that left, or a sub had a Dom/me that left, they may rush into another relationship to fill that hole, sometimes this works out, but often not.
Dirty_D
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 2:04:48 PM

Rank: Head Nurse

Joined: 4/15/2011
Posts: 7,095
Location: Soaking up the sun, United States
i think there are several of us who find the asspect of BDSM very fascinating and are eager/willing to try it. however, i know for me i tend to be a wallflower and just hang back lurk and watch....

beinggood
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 2:23:28 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/29/2011
Posts: 451
Location: United States
I am what is called a switch...I am The Mistress of one adorable slave..She is the center of my life and she is loved unconditionally by MasterR and myself...She has had no control or structure in her life and is doing quite successfully now...She is in what we call training...She has to have structure in order to maintain her levels in college as well as her life...She loves domination by us , but we allow her to be who she is as well up to a limit...and she also is pleasured

I also have 2 Masters who see over me...I have loved to be dominated since my teens..I always have looked for dominant men...Due to my past job, stress was a daily item i dealt with....So when not working, which im retired now I live out my dreams of being totally dominated and have given myself to my Masters...One on Lush and one in real life....My BDSM family for me is a must....I could not exist without my Masters as they are my life, fulfilling pleasure and with me also punishment as i love the 2 mixed...I live this life almost on a 24/7 basis...

doing my best to be good..
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 6:13:58 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 531,806
control is whats its about can't say ive done but willing to try like most things in life you have to do to find if you like
master88362
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:53:41 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 1/29/2011
Posts: 3
Location: Salina, United States
Anyone coming into a chatroom wanting to collar a sub or slave, has no idea what a collar is. The leather or metal ring on someone's neck is not important, anymore than a pair of earrings or a necklace. The collar does not circle the neck, it circles the heart. This is where the real collar is. It is like a wedding ring. Wearing the ring does not make you married, it is in the heart. Collars are not given, they are earned and it takes a lot to earn one.

A slave with a red bottom and a raw clit is a happy slave

Master Rick
MistressS
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:09:04 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
master88362 wrote:
Anyone coming into a chatroom wanting to collar a sub or slave, has no idea what a collar is. The leather or metal ring on someone's neck is not important, anymore than a pair of earrings or a necklace. The collar does not circle the neck, it circles the heart. This is where the real collar is. It is like a wedding ring. Wearing the ring does not make you married, it is in the heart. Collars are not given, they are earned and it takes a lot to earn one.


This is very true, I feel I should add here though, a Dom/me must also earn the right to collar a sub as well, both sides need to show the other they have earned it as the sub must accept the collar, it isn't a given that they will accept it, their Dom/me must show they have eared the right to give a collar.

Also, when I say collar, it doesn't have to be something worn round the neck, often it is, but not always, it may be a bracelet or a ring for example, it is a unique sign of ownership and submission that can be anything the people involved want to use as this sign.
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 11:22:01 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,415
Location: My Tower, United States
First off, thank you MistressS for allowing me to occasionally hi-jack your thread. :)

A few things i want to add, or rather, reinforce, on your punishment thread. From personal experience, the real punishment is breaking a rule or giving my Mistress a reason to punish me. As i said, we are unique pertaining to this subject, not being a full time D/s couple, but for the sake of this thread, i will be referring to her as my Mistress, something people close to me might find strange (usually she is" K, Kate, the wife, or the girl") Knowing that i broke a rule is an awful feeling. What comes after pales in comparison to that awful feeling that i messed up, that i gave her a reason to be disappointed or hurt.

btw, I have anger issues. Not obvious, perhaps, but yeah, they exist. Being the s equation of D/s helps me deal with them. I have rules that i have agreed on (that i tend to push at all too often) and that are very well defined and clear. D/s couples NEED rules. Dom/mes should never be arbitrarily punishing their subs because they feel like it, are having a bad day, are frustrated or angry, etc - that's wandering into the realm of abuse. Rather, in a good relationship a sub will know when she's pushing the bounderies, bending, or breaking a rule. There should be no doubt in her mind.

Speaking for myself, i turn myself in when i do. there's no trying to get away with it, trying to put one over on my Domme. its' all about trust. My Mistress trusts me to be honest with her, and it's very important to me to live up to that trust. After that, we sit down and calmly discuss the situation. although one or both of us might be cranky, things rarely get heated, we work it out and decide how to proceed. If i think the situation is unfair, i speak up and she takes that into consideration and i am punished. Afterwards, i feel clean. We move on, the issue was addressed, taken care of, and my Mistress knows that i will do my best not to repeat whatever behavior i was punished for.




http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
ankara1
Posted: Wednesday, August 17, 2011 12:50:26 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 7/7/2011
Posts: 15
I am MistressS' sub, she and others have asked me to give my views as well here.

Too add to Mistress' and sprite's points on punishments, for me, the idea that I have upset my Mistress is far worse than my actual punishments. Often if I break a rule, I will actually tell Mistress I have, I see the punishment as a way of being forgiven for what I have done, I don't like being punished, but being let away with breaking a rule is far worse.

I am not good with pain, so my punishments aren't usually physical, I may be spanked occasionally, with Mistress' hand, a paddle or a crop if I really step out of line, but my usual punishment is a time out, I have to sit in the corner looking at the wall and in silence while Mistress will go about whatever she has to do, until, she calls me out of the corner, another one that I get if we are out usually, is if I have really misbehaved I am not allowed to kiss Mistress and she doesn't give any signs of affection those two while not being physical still feel really bad and I'd often wish she would spank me so it was over.

Some try to say that punishments are abusive, this is not the case, as I have said, I will often tell Mistress I need punished when I break a rule, I feel I need it, and she NEVER punishes me more than I can handle, if anything Mistress is lenient in her punishments compared to others I have seen, she hates having to punish me, and I hate having given her a reason to have to.

Edit: I have re-read this, and should add, during my times out, while I hate it, it does give me time to reflect and relax, to think on why I misbehaved and to work on being better in the future. Ultimately, I want the punishment if I break a rule, and it is for my benefit, not my harm.
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