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gratitude: turn on or a turn off? Options · View
Guest
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 8:42:50 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,817

Giacomo Casanova, the greatest seducer of all times said that the best way to gain a woman's heart (or just take her to bed), is by gratitude, he used to play the gentleman at the rescue of some lady in trouble, do something for her, and eventually the lady felt so much gratitude she just gave him whathe wanted.

But in my personal experience, this has been just the opposite. The more I've done for a lady (favors, money, gifts, etc), the more she seemed ankward towards me, and eventually running away from me. I did it in a casual, nice way, not like an stalker or a perv, and always making it very clear that I expected nothing in return, but didn´t work at all.

So I wonder, what you ladies think about it? Is gratitude a turn on, or a turn off?

TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 9:43:51 AM

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Joined: 7/19/2011
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Location: I'm the girl that your father hoped he could date.
Ever heard of the saying "There's no such thing as a free lunch"?

I can't speak for all women, but I know I was raised to be completely self-sufficient and independant. This makes it hard for me to accept gifts.

Last year, I dated a guy that was going to buy me a car, take me away on vacation to the south, and pay half my mortgage.
I felt guilty. I didn't want to take advantage of him and I felt like I was. He said this three months into our relationship.
I analyzed him and the relationship so much I ended up walking away, leaving him baffled.
I felt that if I accepted these gifts that I would be indebted/commited to him, and I hadn't known him long enough at this point, to know if I was going invest more of myself in the relationship.

Leave the grand displays til later on in the relationship and stick with small scale things like a movie or concert or an evening out at friends instead of buying my affection.
Win my affection instead.

I, personally, find it a turn off. Or at the very least a warning sign to run.

MMonroe
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 11:57:31 AM

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Location: United Kingdom
Yep, i totally agree. When im out with a guy i make sure i pay for half, and if he wont take it then i'll pay the next time we go out. Ive done this with boyfriends and guys im casually seeing. Maybe that gratitude thing may have worked before but as has been said, women are alot more independent today and dont want to be indebted to someone like that.

Also, the thing about you buying women gifts and stuff all the time and then getting nothing: thats because they KNEW what you wanted in return. Nobody, male or female, does nice stuff like that for someone and expects nothing back. Plus women like a bit of mystery in a man theyre interested in. If you confess your undying love for her upfront (and gestures like favours and gift do that) then you'll scare her off.

Men think women love all that stuff and we do but not from the beginning. If a girl you had been on one date with did all that you'd be freaked out right? So would we



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



lafayettemister
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 12:02:08 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/4/2010
Posts: 6,343
Location: Alabama, United States
wotever wrote:

Giacomo Casanova, the greatest seducer of all times said that the best way to gain a woman's heart (or just take her to bed), is by gratitude, he used to play the gentleman at the rescue of some lady in trouble, do something for her, and eventually the lady felt so much gratitude she just gave him whathe wanted.

But in my personal experience, this has been just the opposite. The more I've done for a lady (favors, money, gifts, etc), the more she seemed ankward towards me, and eventually running away from me. I did it in a casual, nice way, not like an stalker or a perv, and always making it very clear that I expected nothing in return, but didn´t work at all.

So I wonder, what you ladies think about it? Is gratitude a turn on, or a turn off?




Favors, money, gifts, etc.. .have absolutely nothing to do with gratitude. If you happen upon a lady who is in some form of distress and you offer her genuine help then maybe you'd get some gratitude booty. But trying to buy her pussy usually won't work.





When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
sprite
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 12:09:17 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
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lafayettemister wrote:



Favors, money, gifts, etc.. .have absolutely nothing to do with gratitude. If you happen upon a lady who is in some form of distress and you offer her genuine help then maybe you'd get some gratitude booty. But trying to buy her pussy usually won't work.


Unless she's a hooker. then it works really well. :)
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 12:33:42 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 5,991
Location: In your dirty fantasies
wotever wrote:

Giacomo Casanova, the greatest seducer of all times said that the best way to gain a woman's heart (or just take her to bed), is by gratitude, he used to play the gentleman at the rescue of some lady in trouble, do something for her, and eventually the lady felt so much gratitude she just gave him whathe wanted.

But in my personal experience, this has been just the opposite. The more I've done for a lady (favors, money, gifts, etc), the more she seemed ankward towards me, and eventually running away from me. I did it in a casual, nice way, not like an stalker or a perv, and always making it very clear that I expected nothing in return, but didn´t work at all.

So I wonder, what you ladies think about it? Is gratitude a turn on, or a turn off?



Yes, the silverback/golddigger code is pretty much standard fare but it depends on recognizing who is playing by this code. If you misidentify, then it tends to lead to the awkwardness you mentioned. In these scenarios nothing is technically ever spelled out, it's all based on nuances and subtleties. Usually stuff like, "Oh Greg, I'd love to go out with you tonight but I have to stay in and figure out my finances and how I'm going to pay all my bills and rent this month." Then Greg offers to help her out or write her a cheque as a 'loan' that he'll never ask repayment for so she can go out with him. When/if she agrees, it's kind of understood that she's on the hook for some kind of entertainment value. I have a friend that's lived 5 yrs of her life like this... no job, living the high life, but just with some male 'friends' that were eager to 'rescue her', and she showed her 'gratitude' accordingly... sometimes just a nipple flash or letting a guy suck her toes, or sometimes it was a full hot-tub orgy or gangbang.

But... if you start trying to play this code on someone that doesn't work this way, yes, it leads to awkwardness and suspicion and it tends to send the person running the other way. I have always disliked guys that try to work the 'rescue theme' or flash their money prematurely. It either means they are hoping you're a golddigger type (insulting) or it means they have emotional issues about needing to 'save women' and be 'heroes' and thinking this will make you fall for them hard (stalkerish).

Everyone does little nice things for each other at the beginning of a relationship or friendship but it should be a two-way street and should be appropriate to the level of the current relationship... otherwise yeah, major turn-off.


Milik_Redman
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 12:48:08 PM

Rank: Internet Philosopher

Joined: 8/14/2009
Posts: 3,794
Location: somewhere deep under the Earth, United States
I suppose I'm old fashioned but when I take a woman out I expect to pay regardless if our relationship has been consummated in bed. In my mind at least there isn't any obligation on her part to have sex because of it.
That isn't to say that at least part of my intent is to show I would be a worthy lover. It most certainly is. As the male I expect to have to provide to be worthy.
If in the end a lady i have taken out does not want to engage in sex then there are no hard feelings, no pressure to change her mind. There probably is less chance I'll seek a 3rd or 4th date by then though.

“It is a great thing to know your vices.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero




http://www.lushstories.com/stories/cheating/a-trans-atlantic-affair.aspx
Coco
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 1:20:41 PM

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Joined: 7/22/2011
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Location: Fantasy City, United States
Unless I'm looking for a "sugah daddy" this is a complete turn off.

I personally am of the belief that today's women, worthy women, are more than capable to pay for themselves and are self sufficient. If I were casual dating, I would pay for ever other date. I don't use sex for favors, sex is a mutually satisfying act that should not be based on that $100 one may or may not leave on my dresser.

Act like a "sugah daddy" get a golddigging "sugah baby."

HK4167
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 1:30:22 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/1/2011
Posts: 3,307
Location: Seattle, United States
I’m an old fashioned guy. Sounds to me, the questions is, what is the thin line between being good manners and not making her feels weird.

How about some gifts that are not so expensive, but show you care about her, show your common interests?

When I was dating, I brought little gifts to her to show my appreciation. Nothing expensive, just a single rose, or a local Seattle Space Needle key chain if it’s out of my city. Definitely not the 3-dozen roses that DD encountered, that’s just too much and kind of creepy for the first date.

If we go out for dinner or movie, I offer to pay her part. If she insisted to pay for her behalf, I’d let her, because respecting her decision is more important than showing good manners.

And if we get along, later I may give her more gifts, but definitely not too expensive, and not too many. Just something small but shows you care about her and put thoughts into it.
Like a CD from her favorite band, a book from her favorite writer, a bottle of local wine when you travel back from other states. You don’t want to make her feel you’re trying to buy her or shower her with gifts.

Remember, women are much more sensual than us guys. If you really like her, you need to show her that you really care, you’re not just trying to pile money in front of her.


Welcome to visit my tumblr page at http://HK4167.tumblr.com for erotic arts. Or http://slice-of-moment.tumblr.com for non-erotic arts.
Guest
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 2:11:20 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,817
wotever wrote:

Giacomo Casanova, the greatest seducer of all times said that the best way to gain a woman's heart (or just take her to bed), is by gratitude, he used to play the gentleman at the rescue of some lady in trouble, do something for her, and eventually the lady felt so much gratitude she just gave him whathe wanted.

But in my personal experience, this has been just the opposite. The more I've done for a lady (favors, money, gifts, etc), the more she seemed ankward towards me, and eventually running away from me. I did it in a casual, nice way, not like an stalker or a perv, and always making it very clear that I expected nothing in return, but didn´t work at all.

So I wonder, what you ladies think about it? Is gratitude a turn on, or a turn off?


Quote:
Gratitude
The state of being grateful; warm and friendly feeling toward a benefactor; kindness awakened by a favor received; thankfulness.


I think that gratitude in and of itself is a wonderful thing - if you have been able to help someone in need and they in return feel grateful, yes, it's lovely, makes me all warm and glowy, you know?

However, that's not what I personally think that you are doing here. It's like you're trying to boost your own confidence by making a woman 'need' you and what you offer. It's almost like you're trying to control her...

I once dated a guy like this and he actually did turn into a bit of a stalker (I've posted about this in another thread), so this would really set alarm bells ringing for me...

That's not to say that I don't like to receive the occasional wee gift or 'minding' as we might say in Scotland, and I would do the same for my squeeze.

The important thing is to find the right balance - too much will just make a gal (or guy) suspicious, annoyed or down right pissed off...

Unless they are a gold digger like some of the other Lushies have said, but then maybe that's what you are after, in which case I'm sure both parties will be very happy....

Guest
Posted: Monday, January 09, 2012 5:30:10 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,817
This is similar to a discussion a few of my friends and I had a while back. We all agreed seduction of the mind is the precursor to seduction of the body. No amount of gifts will impress if you haven't made impression with yourself first.
Nikki703
Posted: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:08:13 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 12,336
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
Doing little things for me is a turn on. Giving me money or buying expensive gifts is a turn off because I know that this is usually just a means to gain control. I have had guys shower me with gifts and those relationships are doomed from the start. But make me dinner, show up at my office with a picnic lunch, even something as trivial as taking out the trash when you leave my house, these things go a long way with me.

MabelleHearts12
Posted: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 11:31:06 AM

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Joined: 12/17/2011
Posts: 5
Location: Salmon arm, Canada
gratitude is major in my books its major turn on...jerks turn me off
pandorapout78
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012 2:33:15 AM

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Joined: 8/23/2011
Posts: 43
Location: United Kingdom
gratitude is appreciated very much :)
BustyMinx
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012 3:58:28 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 8/12/2011
Posts: 71
Location: United Kingdom
I have to say that I agree with most of the responses on here.

If I have just started dating/still in the early stages of the relationships I would be freaked out if a guy showered me with lavish gifts. I think a lot of men seem to think if they buy a woman lots of nice things she will stick around.

STOP MAKING THIS MISTAKE.

If she stays with you with all these lavish gifts at the start you then create the expectation for it to continue.

She should want to stay in a relation because of who you are as a person. Let her earn the right to be spoilt for you.

Some of the best gifts I have received from my ex's are things thhat haven't cost much. I.E my ex did a painting and several sketches of me another bought me a cd at the start of our relationship just because of one track. It is the small things that matter.

I always pay my way. Its the right thing to do. I don't need to be treated like a princess but I do need to be treated with respect.
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