Welcome Guest Search | Active Topics | Members | Log In | Register

BDSM 101 Options · View
MistressS
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012 4:41:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
wildcat1966 wrote:
dear mistress im a 45 male in the uk i was wondering if you could give me some information in how to find a submissive female without making a fool of my self as ive had this done to me before now and it was someone i was found off and there stil here on the site but that was friendship but we was close and talked about marrage etc in time why do females jump into marrage just soon as the person has known them for just five mins is there ppl so insercoure now adays


I'm not sure I'm the best to offer advice here, I'll admit I was very lucky when I found my sub.
There are several fetish sites that I know are used to chat with other people in the lifestyle and possible to meet them for real. More than that, all I can say is to be open and honest about who you are, it will probably scare some off but it's worth it in the end.
felinuskingus
Posted: Friday, February 03, 2012 5:37:36 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/22/2011
Posts: 4
Location: at my pc chatting, United States
I have a very dear friend that went through the whole thing of a fake Master and would have given up if I wasn't around. I have slowly been showing her that none of us in the lifestyle are like him and that we do not bully or make the subs/slaves feel insecure or scared. In the 2 short months since he left her she has come a very long way in knowing more about herself and what she wants. That is the one thing that a wannabe will do to someone that wants to be in the lifestyle and finds the wannabe's. They will and can hurt someone bad to the point where they almost give up on everything. I have done what I can for her to bring her out of the shell she was put in because of everything. She is happier and stronger even as she is a slave and wanting to give up full control to me but I am giving her the time she needs. That is the biggest thing that someone needs that have been hurt by a wannabe and that is time. Time to get over the pain and reestablish the trust they can have in the lifestyle.If anyone meets someone like that talk to them get them to see the truth but do not push or force them to see the truth let them see it for themselves
shizuyami
Posted: Thursday, February 16, 2012 8:02:43 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/11/2012
Posts: 13
Location: overijssel, Netherlands
hi everyone, im new to being a sub and basicly im new to everything.. i have been thinking about becoming a sub for a long long time.. and i finally decided to open up. as i first joined this site several people approached me right away... i didnt know what to do, i even sort of panicked and got a little scared. i told them off saying its all a little to fast for me and saying i had to think it trough.. i slowly told each of them how i felt about it and so far i havent found a mistress. all kind of thoughts ran trough my head.. was i really a sub.. am i supposed to turn them down like this? is every mistress like that? is this what i really want? after a while i confirmed i really wanted to be a sub and that i will just be patient and wait for a good mistress. (i also enjoy meeting friends as i wait). now that i saw this thread, im really happy that a lot of my feelings get confirmed here. i think i made the right decisions and it shows me what points i should look at when a mistress approaches me and how to see if its a mistress that is on 1 line with me or not. thanks to this thread ill be able to be even more patient and it makes my waiting a lot more bareable as i have something to look forward to :3 . seems my hopes arent crushed afterall. thanks again for all the information and tips ^.^

o.o
jgg123
Posted: Thursday, February 16, 2012 11:08:22 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 9/4/2010
Posts: 21
Location: lost in thought, United States

MoonlightSerenity
Posted: Monday, April 02, 2012 12:42:01 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2012
Posts: 854
Location: United Kingdom
I feel as though I should put in my My 2 cents here.

I have noticed some subs coming into the basement, and also in this forum, and just trying to find a Dom/me, from what I've seen this method, while in the short term it can be good as you can find someone, but in the long term (if they want that kind of relationship) then it can be hurtful to the sub. As they usually don't take the time to get to know the Dom/me before they get into the relationship with them, and so when it goes wrong they get hurt very badly. All because they didn't take the time to get to know the Dom/me first. I'm sure this happens in real life as well as on here, but that aspect I cannot comment on. Me and Master have known each other for a while before I became his pet.

To add to previous discussion on collars. Mine represents my love and my Master's love to each other, as well as my submission to Him and belonging to Him and Him only. My training collar (the one I'm currently in) has to be taken off when I go into a shower and if I'm at Master's then the rush of emotions I get when He puts it on me is just indescribable, if I had to sum it up I would have to say it's a very intense happiness and a sense of belonging. That's what it means to me. And on the off chance were I'm in the position of which I cannot wear my collar and Master is no-where around I feel so naked.

I might add that I'm new to BDSM as a whole as well. My Master has been kind to me, and I have had some people say that He sounds like a parent and a friend. My Master looks out for me, makes sure I'm okay and is there for me whenever I need Him. He is my rock, the person I can turn to for whatever. In Him I see protection, not to sound a bit corny but to me He is like my night in shining armor. I love Him, and He loves me. I wouldn't want anyone else.

He has given me rules to follow, rules which are there for my own good to protect me and to look after me. I try to follow these rules, sometimes I accidently don't follow one or two, if it's a rare thing he'll let it pass, or if I have a valid reason for not following it. Otherwise my punishments are either not allowed to spend time with Him or being tickled. Depends on how bad it is.

I should finish here. I don't know what else to write.

Teased and Tormented -My very first story and competition entry is now up!
MistressS
Posted: Monday, April 02, 2012 11:32:19 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
Thanks Moonlight.

I too have been told I am too easy on my sub to be a Mistress. As I have stressed many times on this thread, everyone is different, and no two relationships are the same. The typical views of BDSM are far from the truth of many of the relationships in real life, some will be all about pain, humiliation and degradation, but most are actually more about the exchange of power between the people involved, and a Dom/me doesn't need to hurt or humiliate their sub to show they have been given control over them.
sunshinehigh
Posted: Thursday, April 19, 2012 6:11:44 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/27/2012
Posts: 208
Location: United States
Hi everyone I am fairly new to this site and brand new baby new to the whole Master/ pet thing....so bear with me if I cross lines. I found a guy that I really liked on here....we talked for a while and by while I mean weeks and then I found out the he was a Master.....He wishes for me to join this lifestyle with Him but I have been reluctant...


I think its because i lost control in a realationship and didn't want that to happen ever again



This thread has really opened my eyes to what this could be and I see a sub personality in my life and I think I am willing to take some steps...

Nice to know that there is real support out there.
MistressS
Posted: Friday, April 20, 2012 8:23:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
I'm glad the thread is helping you Sunshine.

I wish you the best of luck if/when you decide to try out the lifestyle, and if you have any questions or need help feel free to ask.
Guest
Posted: Friday, April 20, 2012 11:18:52 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,383
I agree with most of the other posters. Punishment should "fit the crime" (like The Executioner's song in the Mikado by Gilbert and Sullivan) and also fit the person. The worst punishment for a committed submissive is often their own feelings of disappointing their Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress. Since the object of the punishment is to "learn a lesson", the process is very much a "carrot and stick" situation with reward for "good behavior" in future. Such emotional punishment, however, should include "after-care", reassuring the sub and supporting their ego so that they do not hit a downward spiral of feeling like they are "worthless" for disappointing their Dom/Domme. Sadly, that can often happen.

One thing I see often, and do not approve of (just my opinion) is "punishment" like spanking or humiliation that leads directly to sex. It can spur a sub to want the so-called punishment and thereby takes away the whole idea of being actually punished for doing something wrong.

Time out or temporary "no contact" punishment is also an effective means, but only if the sub is committed. I'm not so sure about "orgasm denial" or "forced chastity" as a good punishment because the sub knows beforehand that eventually they will be released and the eventual orgasm (i.e. make up sex?) will be powerful. Physical punishment, if carried to extremes (and this includes physically restrained chastity) can result in nerve or vascular damage and loss of sensitivity (and who wants that!).

Just some of my thoughts...as always, your mileage may vary.

Fugly
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2012 2:53:32 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 1,004
WmCutterBlack wrote:
I agree with most of the other posters. Punishment should "fit the crime" (like The Executioner's song in the Mikado by Gilbert and Sullivan) and also fit the person. The worst punishment for a committed submissive is often their own feelings of disappointing their Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress. Since the object of the punishment is to "learn a lesson", the process is very much a "carrot and stick" situation with reward for "good behavior" in future. Such emotional punishment, however, should include "after-care", reassuring the sub and supporting their ego so that they do not hit a downward spiral of feeling like they are "worthless" for disappointing their Dom/Domme. Sadly, that can often happen.

One thing I see often, and do not approve of (just my opinion) is "punishment" like spanking or humiliation that leads directly to sex. It can spur a sub to want the so-called punishment and thereby takes away the whole idea of being actually punished for doing something wrong.

Time out or temporary "no contact" punishment is also an effective means, but only if the sub is committed. I'm not so sure about "orgasm denial" or "forced chastity" as a good punishment because the sub knows beforehand that eventually they will be released and the eventual orgasm (i.e. make up sex?) will be powerful. Physical punishment, if carried to extremes (and this includes physically restrained chastity) can result in nerve or vascular damage and loss of sensitivity (and who wants that!).

Just some of my thoughts...as always, your mileage may vary.



I must say that whilst I agree with your first part of your post, I really then have to say that I don't agree with the rest of it.

Anyone who knows me and have read any previous posts regarding bdsm, knows that I am very adamant that people should be aware that fear and bdsm do not belong together, yet I am very disappointed by all the very vanilla responses - there is no in-between. The picture threads are just art threads and do not represent the bdsm world (yes, they are nice but a collar and chain/ropes is just fancy dress), and anyone more interested in just nipple clamps and vibrators, are considered too harsh, non-caring and extreme. Sorry, if that sounds offensive, it is not meant to be, but that is just my opinion as I am more a moderate to 'extreme'.

My concern is that I think that many miss what the definition of Bdsm actually is.

Quote:
BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play.


Because I am not a believer that bdsm is just about getting a sub to satisfy you sexually, or to boss around, I do believe that 'punishment' is another word for session. For me, session = punishment = consensual from both parties = bdsm. My sessions are not made of 'fuck me' or 'suck my dick', they are about power play and restraints. My sub gets sexually excited being restrained, punished and controlled, but it is not conclusive that he will get an erection or have sexual intercourse. I get sexually excited fulfilling his desires, and am completely satisfied with the final result, no matter if it is sexual or not, as is the sub.

While I am not into intense pain, light whipping of the penis, be that with a whip or crop, is not painful and is erotic - It is exactly the same as pussy slapping. I myself do believe it is very effective, as is 'no contact' punishment. Sorry to repeat myself, but it does NOT mean at all that this punishment leads directly to sex - in my case, it rarely does.

While it is not for everyone, humiliation is another big thing in the bdsm world. It is not about degrading a person, but pushing the person to the uncomfortable zone (like alcohol, it allows the sub to do what he or she normally wouldn't do) - and must be discussed and approved by both parties prior to doing this, of course and must be part of the contract.

Orgasm denial and 'forced' (I don't like this term because if it is forced, it is an abusive relationship, not a consensual bdsm relationship that they both agreed to prior to entering the relationship, so from now on, I will just say restraint) chastity - Both of these are often practiced in the bdsm world and does not mean the session will end with sex, nor is it extreme. In fact, a chastity restraint is considered either a teasing sexual device or another form of a collar - some even refer to it as a wedding ring. Many men are proud to wear their restraint as it is comfortable and can be worn for many days without any medical proven nerve damage or loss of sensitivity. Orgasm denial also has no proven medical problems - think vasectomies (and we are talking denial sessions, not life term). If the sub wore his restraint for a whole year, maybe then it would have some effect, maybe - I have yet to hear of a case where this has happened.

My 2 cents
MistressS
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2012 3:11:10 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
I must admit I agree with most of what latexia said, however, I don't want this thread to turn to arguments about the lifestyle. If people disagree with anything I or others have said, please message them privately.
Fugly
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2012 3:21:03 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/11/2010
Posts: 1,004
MistressS wrote:
I must admit I agree with most of what latexia, however, I don't want this thread to turn to arguments about the lifestyle. If people disagree with anything I or others have said, please message them privately.


I meant you no disrespect MistressS. I wrote my post, not to cause an argument, but to give my opinion about chastity restraints and sexual/non-sexual punishments.

As WmCutterBlack said "Just some of my thoughts...as always, your mileage may vary."

and you may chose to not read mine, and I respect that, but I believe all opinions should be discussed (not argued of course). The more discussions, more the knowledge.
DLizze
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2012 5:35:37 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 4/23/2011
Posts: 2,552
"Many men are proud to wear their restraint as it is comfortable and can be worn for many days without any medical proven nerve damage or loss of sensitivity."


I once wore one for a month with no ill effects whatsoever. It was a constant reminder that I was "owned" and made me feel wanted and happy.

"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
Guest
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2012 7:32:40 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,383
I don't feel there was any "argument" - just expression of different opinions and styles and thank Goddess for differences. Like Latexia, I am far more moderate than extreme while I acknowledge everyone is entitled to their own brand of kink. One person's sugar, after all, is another person's diabetic coma. I enjoy a good discussion in which no one resorts to name-calling or vigilante committees.
MullinsTiger
Posted: Sunday, April 22, 2012 1:00:50 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 4/22/2012
Posts: 21
Location: louisville, United States
what is the accepted protocol with alpha and beta subs? I am a Dom and have been for 2 years but i haven't considered the possibility of taking on more than one sub until recently when my current told me she is bicurious
MistressS
Posted: Sunday, April 22, 2012 1:17:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
hickslacrosse wrote:
what is the accepted protocol with alpha and beta subs? I am a Dom and have been for 2 years but i haven't considered the possibility of taking on more than one sub until recently when my current told me she is bicurious


I'm not entirely sure what you mean by alpha and beta subs? Are you meaning that one sub would be under the other ones control as well? I'd would think this would mean one would be a switch rather than a sub.

If they are both only under the Dom/mes control, I think the subs should be treated the same as each other, however, if it is agreed that one will also be under the control of the other sub, and everyone is ok with it, then I don't see any problems.
sunshinehigh
Posted: Sunday, April 22, 2012 7:51:53 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/27/2012
Posts: 208
Location: United States
What I am wandering from submissives is how to navigate feeling lost with your Master/Mistress. Since me and this person had a previous relationship where he didn't tell me that he was a Master I now sometimes feel lost...I do love him but I guess sometimes I feel he only loves me as a pet...

I know that these feelings are probably just part of my reluctance but I am wandering if anyone else goes through the same thing where they just feel lost in being a sub and feel detached from themeselves.


anway any advice is appreciated as I am just navigating my way through this whole thing.
Red_Dragon
Posted: Sunday, May 06, 2012 6:21:59 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/4/2011
Posts: 743
Location: Charleston , United States
In reply there is a training school for Masters and Mistress' all over the world. Unfortunatley because of the laws they are hidden. They are usually called dungeons and the training is handled by Maestro's (yes i know this is an old word for Master) but a Maestro goes thru 7 years of training and not just in BDSM but also all forms of Sadism

GiganticTager
Posted: Tuesday, May 08, 2012 6:22:29 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 7/10/2011
Posts: 48
Location: United Kingdom
Its been a while since I've been back to this forum, been a while since I've been to lush in the first place. A thread seeking information came to my attention via an email and I took a read and was puzzled by its objective. It seemed to be seeking information but the way the questions and post were structured screamed, to me at least, a condescending, inflammatory aspect to it but I'll try to attempt to answer at least one of the questions asked properly.

So the question was: When does a Master become a Master.

Like red has already said above me Masters and Mistress' can be trained at dungeons all over the world. These can usually be found within your local BDSM community and are usually welcoming of people willing to expand their sexual horizons with education. That said I want to twist the question slight.

So the revised question is this: What makes a Master/Mistress.

The two questions sounds similar but hold different connotations. With this question I want to focus on some of the different relationship types that can be found in BDSM. Most believe it takes a dominant personality to become a Dom/me but this isnt always the truth when you break down some of the types of relationships that can be found with in the many different realms that come under the, lets face it, very large umbrella that is BDSM. For most BDSM is a kink for them and their partner in bed that quite often involves some form of light bondage role play that rarely leaves the confines of their bedroom/house. In this kind of relationship its not really the act of Dom/me/sub but the feeling of being constricted that is the fetish. Here it is usually the one being tied up/down that is directing the flow of the encounter usually by telling their partner to tie them up.

Another type takes this light bondage a step further and role play the Dom/me and sub roles out with varying degrees of bondage usage from just tying down to the more extreme forms (pain, humiliation etc). This relationship is usually keep this private just like the first but the roles in the bedroom are clearer in their definition but these roles travel no further than that. Then there are those that take the roles out of the bedroom and live them through everyday life. These can range from their home being a fully fledged dungeon where they are geared up at home all the time and the sub is completely subservient in everything they do. Then there is the kind of relationship where there aren't many tools to be used but the sub trusts their Dom/me with all the decisions and lean on them for all of their emotional needs. Both of these relationships have a massive weight in terms of responsibility. They both have to support their sub whole heartedly in terms of emotional support with many providing routine and structure through mental discipline. There are also Sadists and masochists which form a slightly different relationship dynamic in which Sadists usually like to inflict pain to varying degrees, this can be both physical and mental and masochists usually like to be on the receiving end on. This type of relationship has many dynamics in its own right with some masochists only enjoying pain from their Dom/me and others not enjoying pain but enjoy being used by any one.

Now that wall of text is finished with (hope it provided a little insight in to the different types of relationships that BDSM covers) we can try to answer the question. What makes a Master/Mistress? In my opinion from watching all different kinds of relationships going on around me with friends I believe that any one can become dominant in their relationship but to become a Master/Mistress you would need not only the personality to command respect and be dominant in life but depending on where your relationship is you need to be willing to shoulder the responsibility of being solely responsible for your sub as they will look to you for guidance in every aspect in their life be it work, school. family or being able to function on a day to day basis. That is a Master/Mistress' responsibility.
MullinsTiger wrote:
what is the accepted protocol with alpha and beta subs? I am a Dom and have been for 2 years but i haven't considered the possibility of taking on more than one sub until recently when my current told me she is bicurious

Now with regard to this question. You need to be sure that both subs are mentally prepared to not be the sole recipient of your time love and affection. You need to be able to distribute yourself equally between them and they need to be able to understand each other and be happy with each other or it will fall apart and only cause pain to all three of you.
sunshinehigh wrote:
What I am wandering from submissives is how to navigate feeling lost with your Master/Mistress. Since me and this person had a previous relationship where he didn't tell me that he was a Master I now sometimes feel lost...I do love him but I guess sometimes I feel he only loves me as a pet...

I know that these feelings are probably just part of my reluctance but I am wandering if anyone else goes through the same thing where they just feel lost in being a sub and feel detached from themeselves.


anway any advice is appreciated as I am just navigating my way through this whole thing.

Your feelings are yours and yours alone. Never disregard them without confirming them first. My advice is to speak to your Dom/me about these feelings and find out if your fear is founded in reality. This sounds easier than it is I know but you will continue to fret over that fear unless you confront him about it.
MoonlightSerenity
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:05:20 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2012
Posts: 854
Location: United Kingdom
A topic that has been coming up a lot when I'm in the chat rooms recently is people wanting real life Dom/mes and subs without knowing how much work is required to have one such relationship.

A lot of people I have talked to about this who want a real life sub think that it will be all fun and games and don't realise how much work goes into having a sub.

I think it might be a good point for people who do have a real life relationship should mention how much work can go into it.

For the majority of Dom/mes they have to look after their subs and be with them when the sub needs help. They should support their subs in any way that the sub needs supported if you live together or see each other for more than just sessions. Even then the Dom/me should be supportive of their Dom/me. I think most don't realise is that their sub looks up to them for guidance and support whenever they have an issue. This is important in all relationships, and just because someone is a Dom/me doesn't mean that they should neglect these responsibilities. It only leads to the sub being hurt and leaving their Dom/me.

I don't know what else to say on this matter and if others have something else to say about this please add it.

Teased and Tormented -My very first story and competition entry is now up!
Sensei
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 10:43:54 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/16/2012
Posts: 478
Location: United States
I'd like to refer to the answers I gave in this thread.




My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 10:50:19 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,383
I'm glad to see this discussion is still on-going. One of the things we notice in the community is this intense desire to label, re-label, and again stick on labels, as if a sticker that says "Hello, my name is Supercalifragilistic-Dominance and I only respond to umbrellas and flying nannies" or some such is the ne plus ultra way of getting to explore and know where someone is coming from via a definition. The human animal is adaptive and, yes, for some it seems they need these guarantees and specific types to react to or confusion sets in. "Give me the specific rules!" cry some submissives before they have even got to know a Dom's/Domme's name. Just as some Doms may say "Well, not interested because you don't have a cleanly shaved mons and besides you only want spanking, and not my monkey either." Getting to know prospectives first and not just "Hi, how's it going, wanna fuck/get beaten black-and-blue/make me a sandwich?" would seem to be elemental and yet we still see such behavior from time to time and not always by "newbies".

Certainly (agreeing with what some have already said here), there is a huge responsibility by both subs and Doms/Dommes taking place in relationships. I keep wondering how much time some people have spent learning about even the most basic dynamics at play among and between Doms and subs. Stereotypes may play fine in porn or erotic stories, but the realities are rarely video-ed or written about. Submissives and Doms/Dommes will face emotional and situational challenges in a relationship. How they handle those separately and mutually says a lot about their personal characters and the character of the relationship. If a submissive has an emotional crisis situation and the Dominant says "Not my problem, you deal with it"
that says volumes about the character of the Dom, doesn't it? Quite often, submissives will NEED strong support, understanding, and practical solutions from a Dom. That is part of the nature of the "ownership" -- that the "owner" care enough about their property to "fix problems". not just dismiss them offhandedly.

One of the blogs I follow is written by a woman who has been married 10 years and only recently had a big argument with hubby after which she confessed her want of a D/s relationship. That was a few moths ago, and now she writes in glowing terms how much closer and more intimate they are due to D/s dynamics in the relationship. Communication (honest and direct and open), expressed desire (consistent and on-going, not hit-and-miss), intimate sharing of thoughts and feelings (not hidden agendas and shyness/reluctance), time for play (not just sexual), and other elements all contribute to good working relationships and D/s protocols and understandings can provide these in ways that vanillas often lack or answer with a "shrug".

I believe strongly that in BDSM or D/s relationships there can be no "oh, whatever..." attitude toward each other. There can be no "When I get around to it" behavior. There can be no arbitrary "I don't feel like it" responses without explanation of the motivation or lack thereof.

Always more to follow...grow the relationship together, not apart.
albertagirl
Posted: Saturday, June 16, 2012 2:21:25 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/28/2010
Posts: 449
Location: The Great White North
After reading some of the comments on here I was reminded of a little gem that was passed on to me by a friend, I did not write this but i think can be a helpful thing for subs to read especially those that are just beginning. I know others will disagree with this and thats fine, I just found it interesting and in most cases very true, and wanted to share it




The best way I’ve heard submission described was at M/s conference in 08. Submission is not following your Master. It is preceding him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any pitfalls or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him, to guide and navigate, to keep you safe.

The most common way I’ve heard Dominance described uses words that I wouldn’t use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dominant posts, and a lot of “Submissives Deserve XYZ” posts. But one thing I’ve almost never heard…what do Dominants deserve? Where is our "10" list?

1. Know your Responsibilities.

Dominants have responsibilities. We hear a LOT about that in our community. We have the responsibility to be forgiving and understanding. We have the responsibility to be strong and independent. We have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to accept accountability for whatever happens with the submissive. We have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and (often) our submissives’ actions.

Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities. Those are play rules, or relationship kinks.) Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with your Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with your partner. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

2. Remember Patience?
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is a little girl…

When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.

The same with fetishes. I understand you are a HUGE anal slut. But let’s build up to that. Yes, I can probably put together a scene with 23 different ass sensation toys, and a half dozen different positions, with FancyRopeWork (tm). But why? Let’s share other experiences. Let’s learn each other before moving into what should be a permanent relationship.

It takes time before a dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for us to learn your little idiosyncrasies. It takes experience to recognize your body language, and to be able to intuit your fears and your feelings. There will be false starts, and stops, and pitfalls, and awkward situations. If you actually want a relationship with your Dominant…be realistic about it. (see #3)

Expecting us to immediately rock your world...it happens sometimes. But most of the time, it takes time and effort before we know you well enough to really rock out.

3. Have Realistic Expectations.

You aren't perfect? Well, neither am We. We’re learning every day. A good Dominant (one who will eventually be worthy of the title “Master”) is constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading. Expecting a 29 year old to pay for all your dates, have a fully equipped dungeon, be the perfect boyfriend, help pay your rent when you’re behind, god-like lover, and be a Master-of-All-Toys is, frankly, naive.

It takes a lot of work to build a relationship - and that relationship has to be built from both ends. We understand that you are sacrificing a lot when you surrender your body - often, so are we (see #9). We are as giving as we can be of our time, our money, and our emotions. It hurts us just as much when we're dropped, dumped, manipulated or lied to. But, you may have noticed, we don’t have “Dominant support” groups, by and large. So while you’re risking more of your body and heart on the front end – we’re risking a hell of a lot of our soul and our mind on the back end.

If we’re with you, and making an honest effort…respect that. We respect you (even when we’re calling you cunts while whipping your ass) for your ability to take pain and suffering and then turn it into something amazing. We recognize your talents and efforts. Please, recognize ours.

4. Consistency.
It’s a real roller coaster ride to have a submissive who is one person in the morning, another at night, and a complete third when she skips her meds (see #7). And roller coasters are fun…but they don’t make for great daily activities.

We’re going to do the best we can to enforce the rules consistently. To respond to your needs as much as we can, when we can. To be the same Dominant on Monday that we are Saturday night. What we ask in return? The same thing from you. Make the effort (see #9) to follow those rules. Don’t give us the A#1 effort Saturday night at the party, and then just coast on the relationship for the rest of the week.

There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Monday through Sunday in her level of devotion, her level of commitment, and her level of caring. We honestly don’t care if that level is low, medium, high, or barely existent. We’ll work with that – that’s what a Dominant does. We motivate, we train, and we guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… the greatest Master in the scene couldn’t deal with that 24/7. Neither can we.

5. Discretion within the relationship.

Yeah, so. Going online and chatting in a slaves group, or on Fet, about how your Master doesn't scratch your itch, or how you're so disappointed he didn't do SexyMoveA#1 last night? That's not cool. We don't (believe it or not) go around gossiping with every Dominant we know about how tight your ass was last night, or how funny you looked sobbing after an emotional edge play scene. Please have the same courtesy - don't assume that just because you're the submissive, you can talk about anything in our relationship that you want to and call it "submissive sharing". If you have a genuine issue in the relationship - we should be the first person you talk to about it. Not your online friends. See #10 about that.

This is not an endorsement of abuse. If you are being abused (physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, etc.), for the love of God, go to your local shelter. Your nearest victim advocate. Or the closest police station.

But please bear in mind – below that particular level? Relationships will always have problems…talking to your partner solves a LOT of them.

6. Trust. (No really, actual trust, not "earn it or else" trust)

No, this doesn’t mean trust me immediately from word one. That would be insane.
But this ties in with #8 and #9. You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication (see #10). From both parties. Trust is a two way street. If your Dominant has to constantly prove that he’s worthy of your trust, then why are you with him?

I was once with a woman who had me convinced that it was a Dominant’s job to constantly be earning and re-earning trust. I heard the mantra of “a Master /earns/ trust” at least once a day. The entire relationship was one long marathon of constant effort to “earn” her trust by doing everything she wanted, and never disagreeing with her. It took a slap ‘round the head and shoulders by a senior Dominant and very trusted friend before I realized that I was being used.

7. Sanity.

This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle. If you have depression, bi-polar, manic episodes, or have been described by previous friends, dominants or family members as a "wild and crazy" type...the odds are that you, in fact, need therapy. Possibly medication. There’s no shame in that – a HUGE percentage of people in this modern world have psychological issues that need to be addressed with pills or therapy. Please seek it BEFORE approaching a dominant. We, in return, will attempt to do the same for our own issues. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships should be done AFTER the mental health issues are addressed and under control.

8. Stop Recycling the Past.

Your last Dominant hurt you. Or didn't measure up. I understand that, personally. My last submissive didn't either (see #7). But that said...this is us, starting fresh. I certainly want to know if your last Dom was abusive, hurtful, or cruel. You need to know if my last submissive was, too. That's part of the whole "communication skills" thing in #10 and it will affect how we interact. I do NOT, however, need to hear a daily address list of the A-Z of everything you ever disliked about him...or a weekly update on how I compare to him. Considering that I probably don't do any of the former, and don't care about the latter. This is a new relationship. You wouldn't enjoy me constantly comparing you, out loud, to my last girl. You wouldn't enjoy an intimate partner constantly comparing you to their last lover. I don't enjoy it either. Keep the past, in the past.

9. Honest Effort and Understanding.

You want us to know how hard submission is? Well, we want you to know how hard Domination is. We have to think in three dimensions about the emotional and psychological impact of everything from our tone of voice to our tools, from our clothes and cologne to our cock and cunt hair. It's exhausting at times, and just like submissives...sometimes we burn out. Sometimes we're too tired to be SparkleMasterLeatherDom/me. And just like we are expected (by our Dominant brothers and sisters, if not by our submissives) to be consistently understanding and supportive of slaves rights and feelings...we deserve a little consideration ourselves.

10. Communication Skills.

Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. Please note the "and". You AND me. . The "and"? That has a lot of meaning. It means that just as much as you expect us, the Dominants, to communicate with you about your training and performance...we expect the same. We deserve the same. If you have concerns - you need to talk to us, not post it on line. If you feel hurt, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your Dom, not slam them to all of your friends. If you honestly believe that your Dom has problems? Talk to them about it. Be a big girl/boy/boi/slave/slut/whore/bottom/queer/toy/androgyne.

But if you can't communicate at least as well as you expect your Dominant to communicate to you? If you aren’t making the honest effort (see #9) to become a better communicator? Then you're the problem, not the Dom.


It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches --- and it doesn't matter if it is Visa or Mastercard
DByrd
Posted: Saturday, June 16, 2012 9:49:52 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 1/14/2012
Posts: 2
Location: Canada
That is a real gem and every point both the Dominant and submissive should read and think about. Very much gives a person a lot to think about
LauraLee_sugah
Posted: Friday, June 22, 2012 8:40:02 PM

Rank: Purveyor of Sweetness

Joined: 9/10/2011
Posts: 2,345
Location: the sweet, sunny south, United States
to me it seems like there is so much trust involved... if you have trust issues is this lifestyle a less than positive thing?

perkynipples
Posted: Sunday, June 24, 2012 9:58:22 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/13/2011
Posts: 360
Location: Pittsburgh, United States
thank you for this thread. I have been interested in the BDSM life style for a number of years. And this has given me a lot of insight into the roles of Dom/Sub.

Bunker Love
My Dream my latest stopry
freakycactus
Posted: Thursday, June 28, 2012 4:40:01 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/12/2010
Posts: 409
Location: On my cloud, United Kingdom
LauraLee_sugah wrote:
to me it seems like there is so much trust involved... if you have trust issues is this lifestyle a less than positive thing?


With the right person it's still scary to trust them so completely. It's also incredibly freeing to do it and to realise that it's ok to trust them and to give yourself to them, because they'll look after you and the last thing they want to do is betray that trust you've placed in them.

Ravyn
Posted: Thursday, June 28, 2012 5:19:12 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,089
Location: Bend, United States
LauraLee_sugah wrote:
to me it seems like there is so much trust involved... if you have trust issues is this lifestyle a less than positive thing?


Trust is key on both sides, without it the relationship cannot and will not work. Its the same of any relationship not just a D/s one. Lack of trust can be a very negative thing again in any type of relationship.

MistressS
Posted: Friday, July 13, 2012 4:24:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
Bit surprised I haven't done a post on this sooner, so thanks to the person who reminded me.

So this post will be about some of the safety precautions that should be taken.

Obviously the first one that everyone should be aware off safe words. These can be anything that the couple wants to use, but should be something easy to remember, and of course something that wont normally be called out. Both the Dom/me and the sub should have them. My pet and I use the traffic light system. where in, red would mean definitively stop immediately because you are very against something happening, orange would mean stop because you are uncomfortable or worried and want to discuss it, and green would mean everything was fine again.

However, there might be situations where you can't say your safe word, for example if the sub is gagged. In this case you need another method. with my sub I use something that I saw suggested in another site, I give her a pair of Chinese worry balls to hold, if she would use her safe word she drops the balls, both for red, one for orange. with this though you need to make sure they will make a loud enough sound for you to hear it, so I tend not to gag my sub often.

Something that I think tends to be overlooked by some is when using bondage, you need to be very careful, it can be easy to accidentally block the flow of blood to parts of the body. This tends to not be less important, with the use of things like cuffs, which are fairly comfortable and they are what is tied instead of the sub. whenever practicing bondage, you should also take care not to keep the person in an awkward position for long, and any ties should be easily undone. Personally I keep a pair of scissors nearby to cut the rope off if needed.

Those who are into things like heat play, most notable wax play, you should only use candles made for using on people, since they will melt at a lower temperature than regular candles. As a personal note I make sure to drip some on my own arm first to make sure it does not burn.

One thing I am very uncomfortable with, but I'll try my best to offer some safety advice, is knife play. Now this is something that someone new should not try, and no one should try it unless you trust the person explicitly. The blades used should always be dulled as much as possible, so as to make any injury less likely, use the blade as lightly as possible, I'd suggest the person using the knife to run it against their hand first as to make sure it wont cut and of course, keep it away from any major arteries or veins. (If you both do want to the feeling of the blade to seem sharp, I have read somewhere that keeping it in ice so it is cold before use will make it seem sharp, rather than actually using a sharp blade.)
MoonlightSerenity
Posted: Sunday, July 15, 2012 4:06:13 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2012
Posts: 854
Location: United Kingdom
Adding to what MistressS has just said I would like to point out a few other things.

Learn what allergies your sub has if they have any and make sure that all items that you use will not trigger this, and keep their epipen nearby in case they need it. And always be wary in case it gets set off.

Also the same with those of you whose subs have asthma - make sure that their inhaler is within reach at all time and that the sub can have constant access to it if the need arises. Also make sure that you know the symptoms of an asthma attack in case your sub has one during play.

If you're doing bondage keep a close eye in case your submissive ends up fainting while they're tied, if this happens stop immediately and get them out of it as soon as possible. It would be unwise for someone to be bound if their prone to fits and epilepsy as it could be triggered by accident during the session and thus being bound could seriously harm them. Also be wary if you are prone to fits or epilepsy when thinking about tying someone up in case you fit and the person you have tied can't do anything to help you.

Rope suspension is not for beginners at all, not even for novices. It is for experts who have went to others for training in such a thing.

Also please if you do decide to do bondage, especially suspension, make sure that your equipment is of a very high quality. Otherwise it may not be safe to use and could end up snapping. So don't skip out on the more expensive ones for a bargain, and check the quality of everything you get. Also keep an eye on your equipment as everything is prone to wear and tear, and this can be deadly. Commons ones you have to watch out for is rope wearing out and loose stitching in leather work, especially at key points of the item as these will take the most strain.

If you are doing suspension be careful as to what you attach your sub to, as like above it could snap. A good quality and sturdy frame will be the best for those of you who don't want to screw hooks into your walls. And if you are doing rope bondage then a bondage ring will be the best to attach to your frame as they are made for bondage.

Some advice to those who want to use ice cubes and frozen dildos for heat play - I have been told that if you use them by placing them inside someone after they've just came out the freezer with frost all over them that they can cause serious internal injury. So to avoid this let it heat up for a bit before you attempt to insert it.

One thing that may seem interesting to those wanting to get into heat play is fire play, this is something that should not be done without training from a professional, reading about it is not enough. Candles do not fall into this category as the wax is pored and the flame is not near the submissive. Wax that isn't massage candles but are supposed to stay and harden on the skin can be fun for the sub, but keep it away from the genitals and hair, as it can hurt both (if you do get it in the hair then a nit come is your friend to help get it all out). If it's a regular massage candle then you can get it in hairs, just be sure to rub it all in.

With regards to knife and medical play (the latter has not been discussed yet) be sure to sterilize everything after play, as a simple drop of blood or body fluid can wreck havoc on your sub or yourself next time that they are used. And if you are breaking the skin at all (which is not for beginners at all as you could seriously harm your sub) then make sure that you clean the whole area where you worked so that you don't spread diseases and such. Good disinfectants are mainly alcohol based, but make sure that they are safe to use when it comes to using them again. For metal items holding them in a flame such as one from a candle is also a really good way of sterilizing such items. But do not use the stuff you can get from the supermarkets that are for cleaning your house, as these may prove dangerous (they have those warnings on them for a reason).

Also make sure that the area and items used are sterile before every use and after every use, and if possible get yourself some rubber gloves that medical professionals use as it can help to stop the spreading of things that can harm your sub.

Medical play is something that needs great care, as most things used are from the medical industry and are used by trained professionals. Learn what the item is originally for and how to use it before even thinking of putting it anywhere near your sub. Unless it's things like a wartenberg wheel (which are a great introduction into medical play) as they are fairly simple to use and are usually what everyone gets into first. This area can cause a lot of pain to the submissive so you need to make sure that your submissive is okay with pain before you attempt medical play.

For needle play, do not do it at all unless you are a trained in how to do it by a professional as this involves breaking the skin and can be highly dangerous if you do not know how to do it.

Violet wands also need training in how to use them. But they are not to be used on people with pace makers or those who are sensitive to electric shocks. I do not know much at all in this area as it is something that many will refuse to do because of the nature of it.

Also no matter what you're doing make sure to have some plasters, basic wound cream in case the skin gets broken (Savlon in the uk is a really good brand) and some bandages in case they end up twisting an ankle or something like that and need it to be protected.

BUT IF YOU OR YOUR SUB IS INJURED DUE TO A HEAD INJURY OR ANYTHING THAT MAY SEEM SUSPICIOUS STOP THE SCENE IMMEDIATELY AND SEEK MEDICAL ADVICE.


EDIT - Breath play is something that is as dangerous as knife and needle play and should not be attempted by anyone who suffers from asthma or similar as it involves cutting off breathing for short periods of time during play and is not for beginners at all! I should have put that in earlier but I forgot.

Teased and Tormented -My very first story and competition entry is now up!
Users browsing this topic
Guest 


Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Main Forum RSS : RSS

Powered by Yet Another Forum.net version 1.9.1.6 (NET v4.0) - 11/14/2007
Copyright © 2003-2006 Yet Another Forum.net. All rights reserved.