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What is a fear of yours regarding entering into or being in a D/s relationship? Options · View
Callisto
Posted: Friday, March 23, 2012 9:36:07 PM

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I found an article posing this question, it stated the majority of the answers were "Getting emotionally hurt". Just wanted to get some other opinions on this.



Fugly
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 12:53:40 AM

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Simple answer - If you have any fear regarding entering or being in a bdsm relationship, you shouldn't be in one dontknow

Before entering an agreement, it is important that it should be discussed between the Master and slave as what is to be expected by BOTH of them, emotionally and physically. If there are any doubts, walk away - you should never enter into something you feel may hurt you. Fear and BDSM should never be said in the same sentence, it must be all about trust.

If you are one of those that get emotionally attached too easily, you should never ever get involved in this sort of relationship as it could turn into an abusive relationship.
Dudealicious
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 6:54:45 AM

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Fugs wrote:
Simple answer - If you have any fear regarding entering or being in a bdsm relationship, you shouldn't be in one dontknow

Before entering an agreement, it is important that it should be discussed between the Master and slave as what is to be expected by BOTH of them, emotionally and physically. If there are any doubts, walk away - you should never enter into something you feel may hurt you. Fear and BDSM should never be said in the same sentence, it must be all about trust.

If you are one of those that get emotionally attached too easily, you should never ever get involved in this sort of relationship as it could turn into an abusive relationship.


I find your reply interesting. As humans don't we all have fears? These same fears actually manifest themselves in a "normal" relationship. No one wants to get hurt, however we trust our heart and the person we choose to enter the relationship in.

I agree with what Callisto posted, fear would be one of the biggest emotions that would come to mind for me. Especially seeing as you trust your partner emphatically, either as a Dom or sub. Giving that trust to someone (anyone) usually has fears attached to it. Just my two cents.

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

Fugly
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 8:10:35 AM

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Dudealicious wrote:


I find your reply interesting. As humans don't we all have fears? These same fears actually manifest themselves in a "normal" relationship. No one wants to get hurt, however we trust our heart and the person we choose to enter the relationship in.

I agree with what Callisto posted, fear would be one of the biggest emotions that would come to mind for me. Especially seeing as you trust your partner emphatically, either as a Dom or sub. Giving that trust to someone (anyone) usually has fears attached to it. Just my two cents.


Sorry, I should have made myself clearer. I consider that there are different levels of bdsm. There are those that roleplay and whack on some nipple clamps, throw in a couple of slaps and claim that they live the lifestyle (they are to me, the kinkies), then there are those that willingly practically hand over their lives to their Master and only abide by Master's decisions - whether it be for an hour or for a lifetime. The latter for me is the truest form of the bdsm lifestyle and that is the one I am referring to. True bdsm, unlike the porn movies, often involves little or no sex. It involves control, teasing, humiliation, testing, a small degree of pain and depending on the agreement into the relationship, sex.

I agree that we all have fears, but bdsm and fear do not belong together. A slave should be willing, excited, wanting, desiring, and needing. To have fears, questions or doubts about entering a bdsm relationship says to me that they should not enter into one - unless of course, you are a kinkie and in that case, we should open another category for the kinkies and post these questions there, because to me - sorry if I am repeating myself Embarassed - it is VERY important that there should be no fear!

Dudealicious
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 8:22:19 AM

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Fugs wrote:


Sorry, I should have made myself clearer. I consider that there are different levels of bdsm. There are those that roleplay and whack on some nipple clamps, throw in a couple of slaps and claim that they live the lifestyle (they are to me, the kinkies), then there are those that willingly practically hand over their lives to their Master and only abide by Master's decisions - whether it be for an hour or for a lifetime. The latter for me is the truest form of the bdsm lifestyle and that is the one I am referring to. True bdsm, unlike the porn movies, often involves little or no sex. It involves control, teasing, humiliation, testing, a small degree of pain and depending on the agreement into the relationship, sex.

I agree that we all have fears, but bdsm and fear do not belong together. A slave should be willing, excited, wanting, desiring, and needing. To have fears, questions or doubts about entering a bdsm relationship says to me that they should not enter into one - unless of course, you are a kinkie Whistle



Question for you then, if it's a Dom / Domme's job to push their sub, a safe word is usually established. From your response, no fear should be prevalent correct? Therefore I would magine without fear you would not have to adopt a safe word (or gesture) then?

Just curious.

We are human and fears always will lie in our thoughts in some way, at times they may show in different ways.

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

Fugly
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 8:30:31 AM

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Dudealicious wrote:


Question for you then, if it's a Dom / Domme's job to push their sub, a safe word is usually established. From your response, no fear should be prevalent correct? Therefore I would magine without fear you would not have to adopt a safe word (or gesture) then?

Just curious.

We are human and fears always will lie in our thoughts in some way, at times they may show in different ways.


Not correct. A safe word (or gesture) is always established prior to starting the agreement. It is given, not because a person is afraid, but because everyone has limitations. If pushed past that limitation, then the safety word is used.
sprite
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 9:10:15 AM

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Fugs wrote:

To have fears, questions or doubts about entering a bdsm relationship says to me that they should not enter into one - unless of course, you are a kinkie and in that case, we should open another category for the kinkies and post these questions there, because to me - sorry if I am repeating myself Embarassed - it is VERY important that there should be no fear!



i am going to have to respectfully disagree here. entering ANY relationship, it's normal to have a little fear and insecurity attached. Now, if it's overwhelming, then yeah, you probably don't belong, and your excitement and desire should outweigh it and push it aside, but honestly, if this is NEW to you, then it can be a little scary, just like anything new. :)

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Dudealicious
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 9:28:55 AM

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sprite wrote:


i am going to have to respectfully disagree here. entering ANY relationship, it's normal to have a little fear and insecurity attached. Now, if it's overwhelming, then yeah, you probably don't belong, and your excitement and desire should outweigh it and push it aside, but honestly, if this is NEW to you, then it can be a little scary, just like anything new. :)


Thank-you Rachel I couldn't have said it better myself.


The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

sprite
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 9:50:40 AM

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Dudealicious wrote:


Thank-you Rachel I couldn't have said it better myself.


that's what i am here for - i am the Dude-translator. :)

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Warlock
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 11:43:18 AM

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Too much gear to haul around.. fuckin' knots are miserable to get out of wet rope.. some candle wax stains.. slap and tickle gets old.. and it's a real cock-block to keep hearing "oww!! dammit!!" If I want to work this hard I'll just re-pave my driveway during sex..
Fugly
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 3:01:01 PM

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sprite wrote:


i am going to have to respectfully disagree here. entering ANY relationship, it's normal to have a little fear and insecurity attached. Now, if it's overwhelming, then yeah, you probably don't belong, and your excitement and desire should outweigh it and push it aside, but honestly, if this is NEW to you, then it can be a little scary, just like anything new. :)


Yes sprite and dude, I do understand and respect what you are saying - yes it is human to feel nervous entering a new relationship, but fear???.

What I don't understand is (a) the point of this topic because really, if you are going to enter into any relationship with the fear that you are going to be hurt emotionally, not only is that being very pessimistic, but the relationship is doomed from the get go.

(b) If we are going to insist and discuss fears of entering a new relationship, I think it should be discussed in the relationship section because what I am trying to stress, is that this topic is putting bdsm into the negative view by putting fear and bdsm together because some don't understand the true lifestyle and that is my true fear.

Sorry, but it was asked of what is my opinion and this is my opinion and maybe I should post my opinions elsewhere that discusses true bdsm. Good luck in scaring people away from a truly wonderful and exciting lifestyle.



Ravyn
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 3:35:14 PM

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Callisto wrote:
I found an article posing this question, it stated the majority of the answers were "Getting emotionally hurt". Just wanted to get some other opinions on this.



This seemed pretty clear to me and is in the right spot for this type of discussion.

DLizze
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 4:32:33 PM

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It seems to me that Sprite and Fugs are saying essentially the same thing. If the relationship is still in the true fear stage (and all of us who have been through at least one failed relationship have that), it probably is not one that should go forward into real BDSM. But, even with a well-known and trusted partner, there are two things at (to risk a bad pun) play. First, there is always some trepidation at entering any sort of new activity, be it mental, physical, or any combination thereof. Second, a safe word is absolutely necessary if for no other reason than the activity IS new. Neither partner in the reltionship knows the other's limits. I think tht trepidation and those limits are what Sprite is talking about, and I suspect Fugs would agree those are both very real, but she would not agree that fer and the trepidation are the same degree or quality.

Sprite and Fugs - Have I understood you both correctly?


"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
VanGogh
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 4:44:34 PM

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from an outsider .... perhaps the word "fear" should have been "concern"?

What CONCERN do you have regarding entering into or being in a d/s relationship?

May stop the backs from rising. :)

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starting with The Secretary and The Student - first part

Enjoy!!

For the Anal Lovers .... come enjoy my RR honoured An Alluring Ass

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Callisto
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 5:41:42 PM

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Fugs wrote:


Yes sprite and dude, I do understand and respect what you are saying - yes it is human to feel nervous entering a new relationship, but fear???.

What I don't understand is (a) the point of this topic because really, if you are going to enter into any relationship with the fear that you are going to be hurt emotionally, not only is that being very pessimistic, but the relationship is doomed from the get go.

(b) If we are going to insist and discuss fears of entering a new relationship, I think it should be discussed in the relationship section because what I am trying to stress, is that this topic is putting bdsm into the negative view by putting fear and bdsm together because some don't understand the true lifestyle and that is my true fear.

Sorry, but it was asked of what is my opinion and this is my opinion and maybe I should post my opinions elsewhere that discusses true bdsm. Good luck in scaring people away from a truly wonderful and exciting lifestyle.





The point of this topic a) I stated above this was an article I read, specifically asking this question. It stated the majority of the answers were as stated above. I found the question and answer interesting, which is why I posted it here. I simply wanted to see what others thought of this.

b) The reason I posted it in this section is because it specifically asked about D/s relationships. I am not trying to put a negative view on bdsm, that is not my intention, I just wanted the opinions of others about this topic.

There's no need to apologize, I posted this in hopes of gaining other perspectives on this article. So, I thank you for your input.

Callisto
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 5:45:11 PM

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PersonalAssistant wrote:
from an outsider .... perhaps the word "fear" should have been "concern"?

What CONCERN do you have regarding entering into or being in a d/s relationship?

May stop the backs from rising. :)


I understand where you're coming from and maybe you're right, but then that would change how the original question was asked. It stated "fear" which is why I found it interesting and decided to gain the opinions of others here.

sprite
Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 10:46:44 PM

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Personal experience - when i entered into my current relationship with my wife (as opposed to the one with my adorable yet stern and very capable Mistress) there was a certain amount of trepidation. One. it was a relationship changer for us and there was worry that, if it didn't work out, i'd be losing more then just a Mistress. Two. I'd been in BAD bdsm relationships in the past and it's only natural for that to come into play. That all said, i do think that "concern" IS a much better word to insert into the conversation at hand - fear, while perhaps applicable, is fairly strong.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 12:34:54 AM

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Actually... I do have a very real fear... and this is something I need to work on.

I'm a sub, I hand over my control to my Dom. With that, I place my trust in them to do right by me.
It takes me a very long time to trust someone enough to do that.
I, like sprite, have been in an abusive BDSM relationship. It was a gradual thing, and not overnight. It was over years.
Since then, I've had issues with trust and giving my control to anyone. I am now "damaged goods".
So for me, I fear I will never be able to give control and learn to trust a Dom... ever again.
Especially in a lifestyle I used to love and enjoy.

Ravyn
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 12:45:52 AM

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Very well said TDW

Dudealicious
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 10:27:01 AM

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Wow all of these heated posts due to 1 word.

Quote:
Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.Fear is apparently a universal emotion;all persons, consciously or unconsciously, have fear in some sort.[1].In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible


I personally think that fear still is an oppropriate word given the above definition. But thats just me.

The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

Fugly
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 3:21:48 PM

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Dudealicious wrote:
Wow all of these heated posts due to 1 word.

Quote:
Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.Fear is apparently a universal emotion;all persons, consciously or unconsciously, have fear in some sort.[1].In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible


I personally think that fear still is an oppropriate word given the above definition. But thats just me.



1 word? Nevertheless, a very important word in the bdsm world.

Obviously I am going to have to be clearer here, because there are many on here that just don't understand and think they do because they order 'bitch, suck my cock' and slap the 'bitch' around and consider that they are into bdsm rather than be controlling or abusive - yes, I do know what I am talking about, I have read and rejected plenty of stories on here that disguise violence/torture as bdsm.

Already there have been two posts from sprite and TheDevilsWeakness discussing abusive bdsm relationships - the very thing I was afraid of. Someone who may be interested in bdsm is going to walk in here, then walk straight out assuming that is what bdsm is about.

I knew straight away after reading the heading the direction this topic was going to take. We are not allowed to discuss abusive relationships or domestic violence, yet this topic was asking you to discuss your fears - allowing and inviting that subject to be brought up - which it has. And it is left open to discuss such things which I will talk about in a minute at the end.

Dude, I like you and have always admired your witty posts but really, you don't need to explain to me or give me the definition of fear - I am not stupid - that is insulting, but thank you for posting it as it does prove my point - it says in the fear definition words like, distressing, threat, negative, danger, confront and flee, terror - all which is not what bdsm is about which has been my point from post one.

Yes, there is always trepidation/concern/fears about well, everything, but I don't see topics such as what are your fears entering a lesbian/straight/gay relationship??? and I still don't feel it belongs in the bdsm section especially when it discusses 'getting hurt emotionally' and that dreaded word - fear. One member made a joke in another post which caused outrage and everything posted was removed as they worried it would cause a negative feeling towards bdsm, yet then start a topic about fear which according to dude's definition even uses the word negative dontknow Yet, I hope this topic remains here and not removed as it could be interesting and informative to newbies.

If you still think I am being petty or causing drama, or whatever, let me explain one more thing why I don't like the word fear to be mixed in with bdsm.

In the real world, there is part of bdsm that many, like me, are against and ashamed of and do not wish to be associated with. It is called 'Fear Play' - which is really torture. The dom/domme uses the subs most inner fears against them. For example, if the sub has a strong fear of spiders, the dom would place spiders on them etc scaring the poor subs to death. If they have a fear of water, the dom would continuously dunk their head into buckets of water. Everything that is against lush rules, would be used, suffocation, knife play etc., in other words - torture and violence.

I personally think that fear still is NOT an appropriate word given the above definition. But that's just me.

My 2 cents

I'm signing off and going back to bed to recover, so I will not post in here anymore. I just hope that I have given a reasonable objective view to my dislike of the word fear and would like for anyone to read this to understand that you can have a wonderful exciting funfilled, cum in bucket loads bdsm lifestyle without any FEAR.

Trebors_lychee
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 4:36:32 PM

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While i generally dislike disagreeing with people i have to say fugs you are incorrect.

Venturing into ANY new relationship, be it bdsm, {i am a submissive and have been for many years} straight, gay, martian.. i mean really the list could go on.. there will always be fear.
It is something that comes with new, unchartered territory. It comes as we venture into an unknown NEW relationship and find our footing. It heightens our awareness and strengthens our convictions in what we seek, what we need and what we strive for.
Now were you to say that those that felt fear after being in a relationship then i would be more comfortable agreeing with you. However if you wish to discount fear at the onset of a relationship, i would politely say that you may want to rethink things.
Fugly
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 4:59:17 PM

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lychee wrote:
While i generally dislike disagreeing with people i have to say fugs you are incorrect.

Venturing into ANY new relationship, be it bdsm, {i am a submissive and have been for many years} straight, gay, martian.. i mean really the list could go on.. there will always be fear.
It is something that comes with new, unchartered territory. It comes as we venture into an unknown NEW relationship and find our footing. It heightens our awareness and strengthens our convictions in what we seek, what we need and what we strive for.
Now were you to say that those that felt fear after being in a relationship then i would be more comfortable agreeing with you. However if you wish to discount fear at the onset of a relationship, i would politely say that you may want to rethink things.




Maybe I am just a freak of nature! I go into anything new with full on excitement, happiness, optimism. I don't start a relationship with 'what if I get hurt..?, what if? what if?'. I deal with the negatives of a relationship when it happens, rather than worry about what if before it happens.

If optimism is wrong and I am incorrect and I should be pessimistic and question, fear and doubt everything before it even starts, well then, I welcome and embrace being a freak Fugly

but that is not the point I am trying to make and obviously still can't make clear about the word fear and bdsm Brick wall
Trebors_lychee
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 5:35:20 PM

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Perhaps then, you should welcome your freakdom, but you may also want to leave a forwarding address should you not fear meeting new people on a one to one private setting.
TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 6:09:14 PM

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Quote:
Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.Fear is apparently a universal emotion;all persons, consciously or unconsciously, have fear in some sort.[1].In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible


I'm stealing the definition from Dudealicious...
The definition of fear right there has absolutely no place in a D/s relationship.
And I have to wholeheartedly agree with Fugs.

Because of MY FEAR I am NOT in the lifestyle.
Because of MY FEAR I won't be in a D/s relationship in any way shape or form.
I can and have and will be in a regular vanilla relationship, but until I can learn to trust again I won't be in the lifestyle.
While I may have concerns when entering a relationship, it has NO PLACE with your Dom in a BDSM relationship.
Trust and respect is earned and sometimes this takes shape in different ways for different people.

I fully understand where Fugs is coming from but I also understand where some might mix up the difference of a BDSM relationship and a relationship between two partners. The two are distinctly different. Or at least they are for me.

Fugly
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 6:46:28 PM

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lychee wrote:
Perhaps then, you should welcome your freakdom, but you may also want to leave a forwarding address should you not fear meeting new people on a one to one private setting.



Edited out because apparently I need to grow the fuck up
Trebors_lychee
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 8:15:28 PM

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Darling.. cautious is using fear..
enough said .. i do know how to put the chalk down when i say i will..
shakes my head and head off to find other things to do rather than banter with someone who obviously needs to be right all the time.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 9:27:22 PM

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Getting emotionally hurt
nicola
Posted: Monday, March 26, 2012 9:58:14 PM

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Ruthie
Posted: Monday, March 26, 2012 10:50:36 PM

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I could have sworn that I had posted on this topic.
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