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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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Figured I would post this song. it helped get me through my grandfathers death and I hope it helps you as well
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 503
Location: somewhere on the coast, United States
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I will keep you in my prayers.
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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Prayers go out to you Steph. I suffer from certain things as well, never remember all the crap they spew... Live day to day and be true to yourself. If ya need to rant, rave or just talk I will listen.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 575
Location: In my mind, Australia
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My partner has Narcissitic personality disorder. So I understand where you are coming from. Your words are so brutally honest of what it is like to have the condition. Giving you much love and warmth.
Axl - Take a look at our piercing menu.
Daria - I don't think that's how you spell "uvula."
Axl - That's not "uvula."
From: "Daria" episode "Pierce Me"
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 5/31/2012
Posts: 211
Location: Chi-town area, United States
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Steph I do not know you, but I do feel your pain. I also have suffered from depression, although, not as severe as your case. It seems to me you have lots of good support here trombone Lush friends. That in itself is better then any medication. Hang in there Stephanie and fight those inner demons until they are silenced once again. Peace to you my mental sister. Always look to find yourself a smile.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 4/23/2010
Posts: 2,636
Location: ♥ Southern Style ♥, United States
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BIRD ... You know how I feel about you. ♥
You also know how you have touched so many people, and continue to do so.
We now, have even MORE to talk about.
I LOVE YOU BUNCHES,
Southern Comfort
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Rank: Story Verifier
Joined: 4/15/2011
Posts: 3,816
Location: Gainesville, United States
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(speaking to oncoming nurse, he's in a low today. Make sure we are charting, but at least we don't have to hide the Pom poms today. ) Mwah. We will be here for you.
Who would have guessed that my little tale, the very First one I ever submitted to Lush would be read by so many? It shocks me a little to realize that it has now served over 20,000! Charge NurseThank you so very much to those who have read it!
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Rank: Matriarch
Joined: 12/6/2006
Posts: 22,386
Location: Sydney, Australia
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Hang in there Steph. You're a wonderfully warm, kind hearted, intelligent, generous and funny person, oh hang on, enough about me, let's talk about you...I always get that part confused after a few glasses of wine. Sorry about that  (Yes I know, I'll never be as funny as you. Watch some Stewart Lee, he had tears running down my eyes the other evening, literally.)
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 3/23/2011
Posts: 236
Location: United Kingdom
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You're in my thoughts and prayers, Steph.
Just put a new story up called Venus: My Mistress In Leather and Lace. It seems a long time since I have written any prose, been seduced by prosody. Anyway, please feel free to check it out - Thank you xxx
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Rank: Divine Rapscallion
Joined: 8/14/2010
Posts: 3,048
Location: On the ragged edge of disaster
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I've never told you this, Steph, but one of my most favorite people in the world has bipolar disorder. Hold on, scratch that...apparently two of my most favorite people in the world have it. 
Maggie Rascal(Please note, I am no longer active on Lush and will not be responding to messages or friend requests.)
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Rank: Wise Ass
Joined: 11/12/2010
Posts: 4,925
Location: The center of the universe, Canada
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Stephanie, I cannot say much different than what so many have posted here. I do know where you are coming from, my ex-wifes mother took her own life due to her life-long battle with depression. The worst thing she did was getting off her medication when she was feeling "better" then her depression hit again, then the demons came back. Stay strong, and try to find some sort of treatment to get you through this. You cannot (and will not) go it alone, the overwhelming support here shows that. Take care of yourself my friend, all the best to you.
The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker 
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Rank: Miss Sassy Pants
Joined: 3/14/2010
Posts: 6,474
Location: Ridin the Waves of Lush, United States
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Oh Steph hunny... You can see from all these posts that you are well loved here. Stay strong love. Keep looking up, one foot in front of the other, even if it is just a slight shuffle, it is still moving forward. Always remember who you are and what you stand for. Love you Steph MWAH
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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I don't know you Stephanie but I do know that mental illness is not a weakness of character. It doesn't define who you are and it doesn't make you a bad person. I think you're incredibly brave for sharing such a personal part of you on this site. When you find yourself in one of those dark times try to remember you have people here who get it, have been there and can help if you need it. *hugs*
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Rank: Chat Moderator
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 2,243
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Hi Steph, we dont know each other but my mums also bi polar and like you was diagnosed in her early 20s. My mum went though a period that sounds like you are having now....she split up with my father, lost the house, her job, and me for a little while. Like you she refused the "no personality" pills because she wasn't herself on them, she was a zombie. But the balance will change hun like it did with her... one day soon you wont have the down thoughts... something that seems little like your many friends on here showing you that people care and that you aren't your illness...and that the down thoughts aren't you.... What I really wanted to say is you seem like a fighter, continuing fighting and there will be a better day hun.... You will be happy again hun
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Rank: The Linebacker
Joined: 3/2/2011
Posts: 3,289
Location: Atlanta, United States
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Steph I surely am touched. I hope that we as your Lush friends can be a strong support group for you. Pour it out when you need to. I will also be praying for you.
Please check out my newest story: "10 Items Or Less"http://www.lushstories.com/stories/milf/10-items-or-less.aspxOr my previous story: http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/in-the-land-of-salvation-and-sin.aspx
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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To be the lover and partner of someone who suffers from manic depression is in turn the most wonderful and heartbreaking thing. When they are 'up' you feel like the most important person in the world, truly loved and adored. Things are good, perfect, exciting, fun. When they are down, it feels like they have gone, disappeared from your life, never to return. You feel abandoned, lost and alone. It's an emotional roller coaster and no mistake. You would give anything to be able to help, to bring them back, but you can't, there's just nothing you can do, but wait, reaching out a little, letting them know that you are still there. Tentatively, you will try to show your support, but that can put added pressure on them, add to the problem. You feel selfish, for wanting them back, when you know that they may feel like they are dead on the inside. Finding a balance is difficult, especially when you can feel them slipping away. You have to let them go, you don't want to, but you have to. You know that they love you, but it feels like that is disappearing. In your heart of hearts, you know that they will come back, but in those down moments you can forget that. They may test you... It just feels like they have gone. You feel alone, abandoned, grief-stricken, lost... Perhaps in some way, you feel a little like they do? You would give anything to help them, you look for guidance, a sign to show you what to do, but it sometimes just isn't there. You just have to be patient, wait... Then, suddenly, they come back to you and it's like they have never been away. All of the negative feelings disappear, forgotten and before you know it, you feel loved again, relieved, happy. It's a huge learning curve filled with laughter, tears, love, anger, joy, hurt... I know that this may sound selfish, and perhaps it is, but I just wanted to share what it's like to be have someone like this in your life. Is it worth it? Yes. I have no doubt in my mind. I love him and although it is tough, for both of us, I couldn't begin to think of being without him. My life is that much richer for having him in it. I love you, thank you and hope that you will remain in my life. (as a matter of interest, I have found this to be a useful resource and I would urge any sufferers or partners of sufferers to take a look:Coping with Bipolar and DepressionI hope you find it helpful. I know that I did)
EDIT: One thing that I wanted to add is that I have a few close friends here who help me when I'm wobbling, when he's away... Helping to keep me sane, grounding me... Listening, mostly. You know who you are. I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart and let you know how much your friendship means to me. I would struggle that much more, were it not for you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I love you!!
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Rank: Chat Moderator
Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 1,357
Location: around and about Hell, United States
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Hello Stephanie, I'm Jersey and i've seen you around but never had the pleasure to meet you.
You have friends here that are like a family. To me one of the great things about the internet is you can tell people here things that maybe you can't tell around you. Here the good ones will take you fold you in their arms and help you thru the bad times and laugh with you thru the good times, but they are always here. Take their help during the bad times, be there for them thru their bad times and def laugh and have fun during good times.
Never be afraid to ask when you are struggling, even me i'll be here and do what i can to help. Embrace what you have here and let people know when your at a low point. Stephanie HERE you are never alone....k....
Take care and best wishes and my light will remain on if you need anything...
Jersey Lynn
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Rank: Clever Gem
Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 1,991
Location: Exactly where I should be!, United Kingdom
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Mazza wrote:
EDIT:
One thing that I wanted to add is that I have a few close friends here who help me when I'm wobbling, when he's away...
Helping to keep me sane, grounding me... Listening, mostly.
You know who you are.
I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart and let you know how much your friendship means to me.
I love you!!
Anytime M! It's a pleasure xx 
Now with audio!!!!
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Rank: Chat Moderator
Joined: 11/24/2011
Posts: 2,088
Location: Lounge usually, United Kingdom
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Stephanie. I do hope you don’t mind me posting on your thread and I say that because I do not know you. I can very much relate too much of what you have said since I suffered from severe anxiety and clinical depression for circa 13 years. It started back in 1995 within one month of my father passing away from cancer which I did not anticipate (my father, my mother and sisters keep the truth/reality from me). The initial symptom was frequent but short lasting panic attacks and I found myself in London not able to get home since the thought of getting on a train or bus frightened me so much that I couldn’t do it.
Until 2008 I took a 60mg dose of Paroxetine (brand name Seroxat) every day which in the main stopped the panic attacks but it didn’t stop the anxious feelings I had throughout each day and these presented severe constraints into life, e.g. I don’t travel in anything other than a car and if I am not driving it makes me slightly nervous. I don’t use lifts, hate heights and many other things. In the Year 2000 we had a total eclipse in July and for nearly a year prior to this I worried everyday about this forthcoming event and thought I would die on that day. When the day came and everyone was outside at noon to see it I went into a room with no windows from 11:30 for an hour to avoid it. As for self harm this was a fairly regular thought and once I did drive up to the fifth floor of a local multi-storey car park with obvious thoughts. I sat in the car for 20 minutes and thankfully drove home. You mention alcohol. Unfortunately like many I did abuse this for many of the 13 years and it helped me to get through the day. However when the panic attacks started it made them worse since as every knows the drink just dilutes the effect of the medication. I did spend two months in a rather well known institution over here specialising in anxiety/depression and drug/drink abuse problems and many celebs have spent time at these clinics. Some of the methods I learnt there to deal with the panic attacks, work through the negative thoughts to dismiss them etc. were useful and I still use these techniques today since although I gave the medication up 4 years ago I still suffer from the illness albeit to a much lesser extent. I continue to live with the constraints in my life that I mention above and many others. One of these puts me wholly off trying to have a normal relationship, to include sex, with a woman and so I now accept I will likely be a bachelor for the rest of my days. The illness arguably cost me a very good job in IT with a good salary in 2002 when I was vulnerable at a time the company made more redundancies. Again my divorce in 2005 was largely due to the illness.
Clearly I can not advise you on how to deal with your predicament but for me keeping very busy, which boosted my personal feel good factor, was key to my life every day and of course good friends, feeling wanted and loved, is so very important too. I also managed to find solutions to some of the things in my life that literally scared the hell out me … I used to leave the landing light on all night since I didn’t want to be in the dark .. I hated long periods of silence so I had the bedside radio set to come on at different times in the night … etc.
Anyway I am sure I have said enough. I most sincerely hope you conquer your challenge which you must believe is achievable.
Very best regards.
John.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 2/24/2010
Posts: 2,667
Location: Ohio
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I don't know you either Steph.
I do know you are one tough mother though.
These things you and others have described, I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.
I've always been told; the toughest part of conquering any illness is facing the facts head on.
A little something about the people here.
I find as much comfort here, as one could ever find in a church.
I wish you the world friend,
scooter
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/7/2012
Posts: 816
Location: United Kingdom
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I've seen your posts around but I do not know you. But I still want to come and give you a great big hug Like many others on this post I have also been through depression (I know what you mean about the meds being horrible). But I am also here to listen to you if you need any help or just need to be cheered up ^_^ I hope you can get over this tough time in your life.
Teased and Tormented -My very first story and competition entry is now up!
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Rank: Active Ink Slinger
Joined: 3/6/2011
Posts: 26
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*comforts* You have my sympathy whether you want it or not. My aunt has the same condition, Bipolar/manic depressive, and she doesn't deal with it well at all. Sometimes its not bad, but I've seen her during some really low points, and as an outsider I know how terrifying it can look, I can't even imagine what its like on the inside.
You have my best, and if you ever do need help through a low point feel free to message me on here. :)
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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Hi Stephanie, I'm not sure if you are aware, but there are several new drug treatments for Bi-polar, most of which are primarily used for epilepsy. These drugs are used instead of Lithium as the mood stabiliser and work very well for some people. Lithium is not the answer for everybody, just wanted to mention it in case you didn't know. you are a very courageous person and NEVER give up the fight hun.
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Rank: Moderator at large
Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 2,912
Location: Dublin, Ire., Ireland
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Hello All.....
(Well, this is bloody difficult.....)
First of all, let me thank YOU ALL for your incredible kindness. Not only have your messages warmed my heart, but the incredible insight offered here has actually enabled me to put my current woes into a kind of perspective. I've been having a shit time. This too will pass.
Lush Stories, as a community, has become rather special to me over the years I've been a member. I respect and value our site. I believe in what we're doing. I have made genuine friends here. In recent years I've been honoured to contribute in a very small way as part of the Story Verifying team, a group of highly talented volunteer writers/editors/proof readers who basically act as quality controllers. Among other things. (How they let me join this group I'll never know. It must be because I'm very pretty. I don't have a scintilla of the talent or aptitude of my fellow team members.)
In recent weeks, my 'difficulties' have necessitated that I take somewhat of a back-seat in this role. My head and my heart aren't able for it. This is something I feel I have to do for the good of our site, and yet I feel that I am in some way letting my fellow team members, our Senior Moderators and the Site owner down. (Incidentally, EVERY SINGLE ONE of those people will, upon reading this, deeply desire to slap my face and tell me not to be so fucking stupid.... Then they'll give me a hug. Seriously LOVELY people....)
So I guess my post was perhaps an apology, (an excuse???) a cry for understanding..... Something like that.
The responses and posts here, from some of you I know already and from some of you I hope I'm lucky enough to get to know, have moved me. Let me say that again. Your support, your humanity, your understanding and YES your love in the way you've offered it humbles me to tears. I am touched by your caring, responsible and affectionate posts.
Your words tell me that I AM worthy of you, I AM still a part of our thing, I AM a contributor to a site I've grown to love.
For that BEAUTIFUL kindness, I thank you all.
You have made me feel better.
xx Steph
(Now all go fuck off and write something. We're trying to make people come here...... I mean, cum, here.)
My Darlings.
"I would do anything for love, including the thing Meatloaf won't do... (In fact, I sometimes insist upon it...)"xx SF
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Rank: Clever Gem
Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 1,991
Location: Exactly where I should be!, United Kingdom
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Thanks Steph!, I never fucking cry.... I stand corrected xxx "He Man" up hun ;) you are loved , just remember that shit!
Now with audio!!!!
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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Love you, Steph x
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Rank: Clumeleon
Joined: 5/13/2011
Posts: 2,951
Location: United Kingdom
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*slaps Steph across the face* Don't be so fucking stupid. *hugs Steph*
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Rank: Moderator at large
Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 2,912
Location: Dublin, Ire., Ireland
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clum wrote:*slaps Steph across the face*
Don't be so fucking stupid.
*hugs Steph* Welsh Bugger. xx SF
"I would do anything for love, including the thing Meatloaf won't do... (In fact, I sometimes insist upon it...)"xx SF
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,062
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stephanie wrote:
Just WRITING what I wrote helps.
A response like this from T-Elle, (A Lushie I don't know and have never 'met') helps more.
I LIVE here. (It's a kinda lovely place to live.)
xx SF
(What a kind community we are. I value each and every one of you. Your kindness humbles me. You honour me. What an awfully nice bunch of depraved fuckers you/we are!)
LIFE COMES IN MANY SHAPES. AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR HAVING THAT UNCONDITIONAL FIGHTING SPIRIT. I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE THAT LUSH WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU AND ALL THE ISOLATED LUSHEES HERE.
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Rank: Clumeleon
Joined: 5/13/2011
Posts: 2,951
Location: United Kingdom
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stephanie wrote:Welsh Bugger.
xx SF Dinnae start yer pish, ye Irish basturt.
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