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Do I deserve a second chance? Options · View
sharpwit
Posted: Saturday, June 30, 2012 4:33:43 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 3
Location: United States
Sorry for the length, but it's complicated...I reconnected via Facebook with a girl about a year ago (I had known her briefly about 10 years earlier when we worked at the same place). We met, really hit it off (we have a LOT in common), I asked her out, she said yes. The date went well, but when I asked her out again she said due to various personal issues (including the fact she's bipolar & seeing a therapist) she couldn't date anyone at the moment. But hoped we could be friends. Yep, I got friendzoned.

I actually liked her beyond any romantic/physical attraction, so decided to give it a try. We hung out fairly regularly for a few months & did become close friends but around the same time I had an old health problem reoccur. I confided in her a lot about what was going on and she was very supportive...more than most of my other friends. I make a lot more money than she does so to show my gratitude for her being there for me I always paid when we went out anywhere and bought several of her framed photos (she's an amateur photographer). I was starting to fall for her as more for a friend but knew for various reasons it wasn't going to happen (my health for one).

Anyway, the health problem hasn't gone away (still in horrible pain) and I seriously overshared all of that with her, but I honestly didn't feel like I had anyone else to talk about it with. About 2 months ago, we went out to dinner (I had promised her I'd buy two more of her photos) and she mentioned she had dated somebody for a short time but it didn't work out. She also mentioned that she was back seeing a therapist, this time to try and cut back on her drinking after work every day. I decided that if she was dating again, even with her assorted issues, I was going to ask her if she'd like to try a more-than-friends relationship.

So I asked her. She seemed stunned/surprised. I asked her if she would think about it and I'd give her some space. We hugged as we always did and parted amicably. She said she would think about it.

I screwed up on giving her space because I still emailed her a few times--about other stuff, not about the "will you date me" issue, but I know now I shouldn't have done that. She never responded to anything I sent.

About 6 weeks ago I had a major personal crisis (long story), got drunk (very unusual for me) and sent her an email saying it was clear she wasn't interested in me as a friend, much less anything else, and unfriended her on Facebook (and told her I had stopped payment on the check I had mailed her for the photos, which she hadn't cashed). I apologized profusely several days later and sent her a re-friend request, but she never responded and clicked "ignore" on the friend request (it changed on her profile from "Friend Request Sent" back to "Add as Friend).

Two weeks ago, I mailed her a gift card that I'd won at work which covered the cost of the photos I'd stiffed her on, apologized again for screwing up a great friendship, and said it would be great if we could hit "reset." I guess I miss her enough that I'm willing to just be friends again even though my feelings are still stronger.

She's clearly received the gift card & note, but, again, no response. Should I try to contact her again, maybe in a few more months? I know I screwed up, especially with that awful message, but is my behavior really unforgivable? I really have it bad for her and combined with my health issues, it's pretty much tearing me apart. confused1

VanGogh
Posted: Saturday, June 30, 2012 4:39:20 PM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
Posts: 2,752
Location: Vancouver, Canada
sounds like it's done.

my suggestion would be not to contact her again, as it seems VERY clear that she is finished.

it's time to move on.

be a better person with the experience you have had .... better for you, and better for the next person who enters your life.

good luck.

For the Anal Lovers .... come enjoy my RR honoured An Alluring Ass

Another Sex in the Office Poem (I know you love those!!) In Your Office

* * * * * *
"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play." - Arnold J. Toynbee
“Everything you can imagine is real.” - Pablo Picasso
Guest
Posted: Sunday, July 01, 2012 3:22:32 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,082
I have to agree with Personal Assistant here. You're trying to beat a dead horse and it's not getting back up. Swallow your pride or whatever else you "invested" and move on to other pastures. She clearly defined things from the onset and you pushed beyond the boundaries. Sounds like she thought you weren't going to use buying her photographs as some kind of "entrance" to more of a relationship and again you pushed and then -- sorry but... - acted like a drunken jerk. It's how people react in a crisis or a "drama" which displays their inner character. I know you may have health problems, most people do, but don't bury yourself in either them or the booze you think will help escape from them.

It may sound crass to say "Get a life" but it's what you need to do to get on with things. Walk in the parks, take a vacation, get a hobby, volunteer at community events, be a good person, and more opportunities will open up for you, and that includes romance. Like the commercial says, man, "Just do it!"
blazestcyr
Posted: Sunday, July 01, 2012 5:45:34 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
it's over....capital O..wait..it most likely never began

for whatever reasons...she didnt want to date you..period

what really bothers me is that DUDE she totally used you

friends pay for stuff 50/50....

you can do way better than this

so may gals out there

ps never drunk dial on FB....

the WHOLE world sees that sh++!!!

sorry to be so blunt..been there..did that....

trust me..TIME to go... ok

hugs
JesseS
Posted: Sunday, July 01, 2012 9:56:37 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 117
Location: United States
A] It is OVER!!! Let it go, yes it hurts, that isn't going to be helped by dragging the disaster out and devoting more energy, time, emotion, etc. to it. Admit to yourself that she is out of your life.

B] If you are battling physical pain issues, get acupuncture, it is fast, effective and has NO side effects! Plus, unlike pills, once the pain is conquered, it is gone.
Shylass
Posted: Sunday, July 01, 2012 10:54:38 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,591
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
JesseS wrote:
A] It is OVER!!! Let it go, yes it hurts, that isn't going to be helped by dragging the disaster out and devoting more energy, time, emotion, etc. to it. Admit to yourself that she is out of your life.

B] If you are battling physical pain issues, get acupuncture, it is fast, effective and has NO side effects! Plus, unlike pills, once the pain is conquered, it is gone.


A. I agree. Sharpwit, sometimes we lose people in our lives. It may be we grew apart, or that we had some sort of disagreement. It could be that we each seek different things, and for different reasons. I would encourage you not to see this as a "second chance" situation, but as simply one to write off and try to start afresh. Sometimes, the history of a relationship mires those in it down so far that it is a battle to wade through it with little hope of making headway. I would suggest you do as others have suggested, and seek to find new diversions, which, I hope, in time will become a joy to you, rather than a distraction from what has been a horrible situation.

B. Acupuncture helps about 80% of people who have it. It also depends on the issue and who is treating you (qualified and with scrupulous hygiene, for a start). It is not always a cure-all although it can be for some.


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
sharpwit
Posted: Sunday, July 01, 2012 2:29:24 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 3
Location: United States
Thanks everyone for the input. I guess what really, really bugs me is the Silent Treatment. If someone wrongs me, friend or more than that, if they try to make amends, I WILL respond in some way. Especially if the wrong was an aberration in an otherwise positive relationship, I would respond and explain how I felt and why I wasn't willing to forgive them and give myself and the other person closure. The exception I guess would be if the wrong was something really heinous betrayal or deliberate, malicious public humiliation.

I just don't get people who cut you off without specifically telling you why, even if to them it seems obvious. I spent something like $700 on her over 10 months, never hit on her or behaved inappropriately in any way. I have "SUCKER" written all over me, I know. She got the benefits of a boyfriend without having to be a girlfriend. Typical "nice guy" story--it's a pattern. I'm not saying by any means that she owed me sex or a deeper relationship in return for my spending money on her because it was totally my initiative, but she was not perfect. Ironically, nothing I said in the note was factually incorrect--she treated me like an option while I made her a priority--but the tone was harsh.

All those things said, my brain tells me to forget her but it's going to take awhile because I fell VERY hard for her--I've truly never been in love before--and I was willing to ignore some of her traits that otherwise would be pretty major dealbreakers. The thing is, this happened along with two other traumatic things--the chronic pain and I confirmed that I am adopted years after my parents died (that's the traumatic news that caused me to get drunk and send her the mean note). My mother, whom I took care of in her final years when she became disabled, swore up and down that I was not adopted after I was told otherwise. I feel like my whole life is a lie.

In terms of my pain, it's a longstanding degenerative spine disease that flares up every few years but tests don't show exactly what's causing the pain which makes it difficult to treat. I am actually looking into acupuncture but based on everything else I've tried--injections, physical therapy and most recently a procedure to "burn" nerves causing pain--I'm not optimistic it will work.

I really do appreciate all the comments.
Shylass
Posted: Monday, July 02, 2012 2:22:41 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,591
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
sharpwit wrote:
Thanks everyone for the input. I guess what really, really bugs me is the Silent Treatment. If someone wrongs me, friend or more than that, if they try to make amends, I WILL respond in some way. Especially if the wrong was an aberration in an otherwise positive relationship, I would respond and explain how I felt and why I wasn't willing to forgive them and give myself and the other person closure. The exception I guess would be if the wrong was something really heinous betrayal or deliberate, malicious public humiliation.

I just don't get people who cut you off without specifically telling you why, even if to them it seems obvious. I spent something like $700 on her over 10 months, never hit on her or behaved inappropriately in any way. I have "SUCKER" written all over me, I know. She got the benefits of a boyfriend without having to be a girlfriend. Typical "nice guy" story--it's a pattern. I'm not saying by any means that she owed me sex or a deeper relationship in return for my spending money on her because it was totally my initiative, but she was not perfect. Ironically, nothing I said in the note was factually incorrect--she treated me like an option while I made her a priority--but the tone was harsh.

All those things said, my brain tells me to forget her but it's going to take awhile because I fell VERY hard for her--I've truly never been in love before--and I was willing to ignore some of her traits that otherwise would be pretty major dealbreakers. The thing is, this happened along with two other traumatic things--the chronic pain and I confirmed that I am adopted years after my parents died (that's the traumatic news that caused me to get drunk and send her the mean note). My mother, whom I took care of in her final years when she became disabled, swore up and down that I was not adopted after I was told otherwise. I feel like my whole life is a lie.

In terms of my pain, it's a longstanding degenerative spine disease that flares up every few years but tests don't show exactly what's causing the pain which makes it difficult to treat. I am actually looking into acupuncture but based on everything else I've tried--injections, physical therapy and most recently a procedure to "burn" nerves causing pain--I'm not optimistic it will work.

I really do appreciate all the comments.


Well done for being so honest!

I will say this, because I know it to be true, having been hurt very deeply myself: Never forget that other people do not always act the way that we act. I am the same as you. I think arguing and shouting and fighting is pointless. Sure, if you're angry, have a vent. But do not discuss things when you are worked up, because it will become distructive. Go away, calm down, come back and hear each other.

Just because you act like that, however, does not by any means guarantee others will. In fact, mostly they don't. We do not all think alike, and it is foolish of us to be surprised when others show that they don't.

You mention the money a lot. When I spend money on a friend, it is because I have it and I can. I do not tot it up and think, "I spent all this money on you". It is a gift I am willing to bestow, one tiny way to show that I care. It is not something I would list as that important (unless it was an unpaid loan).

We are often willing to overlook faults in those we care deeply about, but the hope is that they are willing to overlook ours too. They do not always. If, as you say, this lass was abusing your generosity (in whatever way), then she is either not the lass you thought she was, or you were hoping to yourself that she would change, or see your true value.

If she treated you like an option, whilst you made her a priority, it does not follow that she will change how she treats you. She was not the lass you were hoping for, because she could not/would not return the depth of feeling and life investment in her.

Besides the horrible news you had regarding your adoption, the relationship you have had with your friend is now a period of mourning and grieving. It is, quite simply, a bereavement. Either grief that she was not what/who you thought, or grief that she did not want you to be for her what you wanted/needed. It is emotional bereavement.

It is understandable that you would would go through crisis with the news of your adoption, and again, there will be grieving, anger and pain of a different nature to work through.

The physical pain (and I do understand long-term pain) will also drain all your resources, physically, emotionally and mentally, making it much harder to deal with. I understand that. What is not acceptable is overstepping boundaries because of it. I would suspect that you lashed out at the first place where blame and hurt could be directed - her. This in itself is a symptom of you knowing it had no future, in my opinion, and building frustration and resentment. It wasn't healthy, and I think you knew that.

You have many, many issues and griefs and traumas to cope with, and it is going to take you a long time to deal with and heal from it all. Tears last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I have a saying, I wait for a Better Day. I know it is crap right now, and one day it will get better. I just have to wait for it. And the same is true for you. Feel the pain, accept the hurt for what it is and slowly work your way through it. Remind yourself, you wait for that Better Day. It will come eventually. And you will know it, because you will sit back and say, "Hey... this is Better..."

With regards to the acupuncture, I didn't think it would work for me, but my doctor treated me, and I am now able to walk. I still have to have it on a regular basis, but I can walk. I still have problems, but nothing at all like I used to. You will need at least three to four sessions to know if it does any good for you, and you will need to tweak the amount of time and places the treatment is given. I have little scars now so my doctor knows where to put them, and I have 7 minutes (most people there have about 15 minutes).

I do hope you are able to find some sunlight in this dark time, and that your Better Day is just around the corner. sunny Big Hugs


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
sharpwit
Posted: Monday, July 02, 2012 7:02:08 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 3
Location: United States
Shylass wrote:


Well done for being so honest!

I will say this, because I know it to be true, having been hurt very deeply myself: Never forget that other people do not always act the way that we act. I am the same as you. I think arguing and shouting and fighting is pointless. Sure, if you're angry, have a vent. But do not discuss things when you are worked up, because it will become distructive. Go away, calm down, come back and hear each other.

Just because you act like that, however, does not by any means guarantee others will. In fact, mostly they don't. We do not all think alike, and it is foolish of us to be surprised when others show that they don't.

You mention the money a lot. When I spend money on a friend, it is because I have it and I can. I do not tot it up and think, "I spent all this money on you". It is a gift I am willing to bestow, one tiny way to show that I care. It is not something I would list as that important (unless it was an unpaid loan).

We are often willing to overlook faults in those we care deeply about, but the hope is that they are willing to overlook ours too. They do not always. If, as you say, this lass was abusing your generosity (in whatever way), then she is either not the lass you thought she was, or you were hoping to yourself that she would change, or see your true value.

If she treated you like an option, whilst you made her a priority, it does not follow that she will change how she treats you. She was not the lass you were hoping for, because she could not/would not return the depth of feeling and life investment in her.

Besides the horrible news you had regarding your adoption, the relationship you have had with your friend is now a period of mourning and grieving. It is, quite simply, a bereavement. Either grief that she was not what/who you thought, or grief that she did not want you to be for her what you wanted/needed. It is emotional bereavement.

It is understandable that you would would go through crisis with the news of your adoption, and again, there will be grieving, anger and pain of a different nature to work through.

The physical pain (and I do understand long-term pain) will also drain all your resources, physically, emotionally and mentally, making it much harder to deal with. I understand that. What is not acceptable is overstepping boundaries because of it. I would suspect that you lashed out at the first place where blame and hurt could be directed - her. This in itself is a symptom of you knowing it had no future, in my opinion, and building frustration and resentment. It wasn't healthy, and I think you knew that.

You have many, many issues and griefs and traumas to cope with, and it is going to take you a long time to deal with and heal from it all. Tears last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I have a saying, I wait for a Better Day. I know it is crap right now, and one day it will get better. I just have to wait for it. And the same is true for you. Feel the pain, accept the hurt for what it is and slowly work your way through it. Remind yourself, you wait for that Better Day. It will come eventually. And you will know it, because you will sit back and say, "Hey... this is Better..."

With regards to the acupuncture, I didn't think it would work for me, but my doctor treated me, and I am now able to walk. I still have to have it on a regular basis, but I can walk. I still have problems, but nothing at all like I used to. You will need at least three to four sessions to know if it does any good for you, and you will need to tweak the amount of time and places the treatment is given. I have little scars now so my doctor knows where to put them, and I have 7 minutes (most people there have about 15 minutes).

I do hope you are able to find some sunlight in this dark time, and that your Better Day is just around the corner. sunny Big Hugs


Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such detail. And for the wonderful things you said. icon_smile Your insight and empathy is most appreciated. Hugs
Shylass
Posted: Monday, July 02, 2012 7:20:44 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,591
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
sharpwit wrote:


Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such detail. And for the wonderful things you said. icon_smile Your insight and empathy is most appreciated. Hugs


You're very welcome. I apologise profusely, both for waffling on, and all the annoying spelling mistakes I made. I can't change them now, as you've quoted me. d'oh! evil4

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
suezq
Posted: Monday, July 02, 2012 8:55:02 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/23/2009
Posts: 280
Location: Pennsylvania
Yes, it hurts. But, you can't force a friendship, or any other relationship.
Sometimes being lonely and starved for physical contact makes us blind to a persons real character. I'm sure most of us have been there.
Learn what you can from this experience, and move on. You might be surprised at who or what you discover when you aren't expending all your energy beating a dead horse.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 9:48:23 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,082
Sometimes -- not always, but sometimes -- we think we need to "get over" someone else when the one we really need to "get over" is ourself. Our "pride" can make us lose new opportunities because we grow too bitter to taste the sweet, too blind to see the new blossom, too selfish to share ourself with others freely. Do not mourn "losing" what you never had.
VanGogh
Posted: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:52:55 AM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
Posts: 2,752
Location: Vancouver, Canada
WmCutterBlack wrote:
Sometimes -- not always, but sometimes -- we think we need to "get over" someone else when the one we really need to "get over" is ourself. Our "pride" can make us lose new opportunities because we grow too bitter to taste the sweet, too blind to see the new blossom, too selfish to share ourself with others freely. Do not mourn "losing" what you never had.


wonderful words, Mr CutterBlack.

we all have times when our ego is playing number one - and hard to stop, look, acknowledge and say ... perhaps this isn't about ME!

of course, we are the centre of our own universe, but we are not to someone else's universe.



For the Anal Lovers .... come enjoy my RR honoured An Alluring Ass

Another Sex in the Office Poem (I know you love those!!) In Your Office

* * * * * *
"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play." - Arnold J. Toynbee
“Everything you can imagine is real.” - Pablo Picasso
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 5:04:52 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,082
Apparently you don't know much about bipolar disorder. People who are bipolar tend to be splitters. That means they see things as either black or white, good or bad. They also look at people as either good or bad. Once she sees you in a negative light, it's almost impossible to get back in good. She sees you as someone who has broken her trust, and you can't undo that, not with her. Time to move on.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 5:39:09 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,212
Location: Cakeland, United States
Give yourself a second chance, a third even - if you ever need one. Time to put this chapter in your life, behind you and create the closure you're seeking. Similar to what Mr Black stated above...

Forgive yourself asap and clear thy head and heart. A door shut with this woman you've mentioned, but perhaps a window of opportunity has opened.

I'd wish you good luck, but I believe we all make our own luck, in that regard. Pin your heart to your sleeve again and go out and play.

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Wednesday, July 04, 2012 12:03:27 AM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,212
Location: Cakeland, United States
WellMadeMale wrote:
Give yourself a second chance, a third even - if you ever need one.

A door shut with this woman you've mentioned, but perhaps a window of opportunity has opened.


This short video says what I'm trying to say, much better. The right one (your perfect fit) will come along, eventually.





If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
Shylass
Posted: Wednesday, July 04, 2012 4:46:01 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,591
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
WellMadeMale wrote:


This short video says what I'm trying to say, much better. The right one (your perfect fit) will come along, eventually.





Big Hugs

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
VanGogh
Posted: Wednesday, July 04, 2012 2:17:49 PM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
Posts: 2,752
Location: Vancouver, Canada
@ WMM ..... that was a beautiful short video! Thank you so much for sharing!!

PA
xo

For the Anal Lovers .... come enjoy my RR honoured An Alluring Ass

Another Sex in the Office Poem (I know you love those!!) In Your Office

* * * * * *
"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play." - Arnold J. Toynbee
“Everything you can imagine is real.” - Pablo Picasso
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