Welcome Guest Search | Active Topics | Members | Log In | Register

Trashing Your Ex Options · View
Olivia
Posted: Saturday, September 17, 2011 10:38:32 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 8/7/2011
Posts: 82
Ok, the honeymoon is over and your relationship is now decomposing in the "Fail Bin"

When people ask you what happened or questions you about your ex, how do you handle them?

In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".

Here are some quick tips on how to handle the aftermath in a positive way:

1. Do not use your friends as a free therapist.

Yes, your friends are there to comfort you in your time of need and talk you through relationship disasters and meltdowns but please don't take advantage of this to the point where all you can talk about for weeks on end is your ex, what happened and why you hate them. Those endless updates when he/she calls, emails, or picks a post-break-up fight are at the forefront of your mind (understandably so), but don't forget that your friends are there to cheer you up and help you get over things in a positive way. If you are extremely distraught and can't seem to get over an ex, just be aware of how much air time you give them when you are hanging out with friends. If you find it's taking up the bulk of your interaction with friends and family, you might want to consider going to an actual therapist who will be happy to listen to you for as long as you need to talk about it.

2. Try to be classy about the breakup, even if your ex is not.

Eventually this break-up (with time) will settle into a distant place in your past. The emotions and anger will diminish and you will no longer be invested in the situation. Try to remember that when you talk about your ex publicly (with friends and family). Dragging their name through the mud and spilling all sorts of sordid details about them in an effort to make them look bad will probably come back to haunt you. You want to come across as classy as possible. Trust me, you will look better to everyone involved if you do that. Telling anyone who will listen how your ex-bf likes to snort cocaine, how you once found gay porn on his computer and how his finances are a total wreck will end up making you look just as bad. Even if he was an absolute monster to you, the important thing to remember is that the best revenge is in how you handle it and how smoothly you are able to move past everything and get on with your life.

3. The importance of the sensitivity chip.

Jennifer Aniston famously said that Brad Pitt was missing a sensitivity chip when he dumped her for La Jolie. If you have done the dumping, please be aware that you have probably hurt or emotionally devastated your ex. Give them some time (think of it as a grace period) before flaunting your new guy or girl in their face and around your social circle. Just because it's officially over doesn't mean three hours later you should be introducing all your friends and family to the new love of your life. Not only does it make it obvious that you were phasing out your ex at the same time as you were nurturing a new relationship (ie. cheating) but it also makes you look like an ass. Your common friends will probably be a bit uncomfortable about this so don't put them in the middle of the mess by asking them to accept this new person right away. Take a bit of a social breather as a 'single person' even if there is someone else already in the picture. Go slow and keep things discreet until a bit of 'healing time' passes.


4. When looking back on the past, be gracious about the memories.

After some time has passed, try to honor what you did have with your ex by saying simple things like "in the end we were just a mismatch" or "it just didn't work out". There is no need to go into detail with people about how she gained too much weight, or he got lazy and boring or how the sex was horrible and meaningless.

Take this little recent public reflection by Brad Pitt as a big 'no-no' on what not to do. Play nice and remember karma will probably one day come back to bite you in the ass if you don't.

Brad Pitt wrote:


Brad Pitt says he spent his marriage to Jennifer Aniston "pretending" it was something that it wasn't and that the two were living a very uninteresting life before he met Angelina Jolie. You hear that? That is the sound of Jennifer Aniston's eggs drying up and the soft clink of the padlock of the crate that Jennifer Aniston keeps Justin Theroux locked inside.

Brad Pitt said that before his life became perfect (i.e. meeting Angelina, shopping for babies, not caring about his facial hair AT ALL) he was just some dumb hot 90's celeb, smoking weed and pretending he was in a happy marriage with Jen. The "Moneyball" star did something he's not used to, he opened up to a tabloid about his personal life. He tells the magazine Parade:

"I spent the '90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out."

Apparently, Brad hated this lifestyle, "It started to feel pathetic," he says, "It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn't living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn't."

"One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh man, I'm so happy to have her."


5. Don't become a post-relationship stalker

If you still entertain ideas about how this breakup is just a phase and that one day you will probably get back together, then your behaviour during this breakup is more important than ever. That means avoid social stalking and endless emails/texts/phone-calls until they 'come to their senses' and realize what they lost. Remember that they can't realize anything until you are actually out of the picture. If you are brave enough to consider another relationship round with them one day in the future, how you handle yourself during this post-break-up will be very telling. If you dissolve into an emotional mess constantly, cry, threaten suicide, beg them for another chance and try to find ways to get more 'face time' with them in the hopes that they will change their mind then think about the kind of image you are projecting to them. Would you want to date you based on your current behaviour? Try to present yourself in a classy and rational way and find some closure (for now). Who knows what might happen in the future, but showing your ex that you are strong, happy and able to move on from the past will definitely let you shine in a positive light.
sprite
Posted: Saturday, September 17, 2011 11:54:04 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 13,678
Location: My Tower, United States
Olivia wrote:

In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".



What if they really were the reincarnation of Satan? Ok, this is a serious question. What do you do if you find out your ex is dating someone else.... do you warn the new person about them? I'm not just talking sour apples here, i'm talking about getting out of an abusive relationship. What should you do, just stay out of it or should you make an attempt to warn the new love interest that she should be careful? What are your responsibilities and where should you draw the line?
Olivia
Posted: Saturday, September 17, 2011 2:52:29 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 8/7/2011
Posts: 82
sprite wrote:
Olivia wrote:

In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".



What if they really were the reincarnation of Satan? Ok, this is a serious question. What do you do if you find out your ex is dating someone else.... do you warn the new person about them? I'm not just talking sour apples here, i'm talking about getting out of an abusive relationship. What should you do, just stay out of it or should you make an attempt to warn the new love interest that she should be careful? What are your responsibilities and where should you draw the line?


Sometimes we do happen to come across a few of Satan's little helpers in the dating pool. Once we are out of the relationship though, consider yourself free of all chains when it comes to altruistically warning their future dating prospects.

I have often thought of the benefits of a dating version of "RatemyMD.com" where people leave ratings/comments about their physicians. Except in the case of ex boyfriend and girlfriends, I suspect the slander would reach epic proportions and we certainly don't need anymore petty lawsuits in the system.

My advice would be... do not give unsolicited advice. If this new girl is aware of your past and seeks to ask you about him 'woman to woman' or puts some feelers out through mutual friends in your social circle, that's one thing. But you contacting her to warn her will only do two things:

1. It might enrage your ex-bf who now has an issue with you slandering his name. You don't want to worry about retaliation or consequences of an angry guy who thinks you are interfering in his life.

2. If she is in the throes of new love/lust, she probably won't believe you anyway, but will rather think you are jealous and petty and trying to sabotage her relationship in order to get him back for yourself. If she does tell him about your warnings, he will dismiss you as crazy and a stalker and explain away all your accusations anyway. People won't hear what they are not ready to hear.

However...

If you happen to run into this girl or one of her close friends on the same social scene and you notice she has that vacant look of a woman in relationship distress (you know the one I'm talking about right? vaguely worried, slightly numb, insecure and uneasy)... then you could pull her aside and just say that you hope she's well, and you don't want to interfere but if she ever needed advice or a girl-to-girl talk about Mr. Satan that you'd be happy to chat with her. Make sure you come across as breezy and regretful if you're overstepping your bounds, but that you are doing this in the interests of looking out for a fellow female above all else. Then... let her choose if she wants to ask for more information from you. Let it be her choice.

Again, I would really only recommend this in serious situations. You don't owe anyone... after all, nobody warned you about him, right? But if you feel strongly about the warning and feel like as a woman you wish someone would have told you this too, you can gently try this route. Just be prepared to not get that warm "wow, thanks for warning me, girlfriend!" reaction that you want. She may be suspicious of your intentions. But if she's already seeing bad signs and red flags in the relationship, she might actually welcome information that might help steer her in the right direction and avoid wasting time with a certified asshole.
JellyTug
Posted: Wednesday, October 12, 2011 11:24:04 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/11/2011
Posts: 11
Location: Mesa
I don't know. I find it very theraputic to trash my ex. After all the reason WHY he is an ex is because he IS trash.
For example:

He cheated on me while I was pregnant with a 17 year old. *Note.. He was 25 at the time*

NOW not only did I leave him but he does not take care of his child, AND got another 17 year old pregnant.
Ahh the throes of young love.

But I pretty much just trash him without using his actual name on Facebook etc.
=) I know it sounds bad but it makes me feel better and releases all the anger I have held in from him for so long.

JellyTug!!!!
Nikki703
Posted: Thursday, October 13, 2011 8:04:19 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 12,329
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
sprite wrote:
Olivia wrote:

In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".



What if they really were the reincarnation of Satan? Ok, this is a serious question. What do you do if you find out your ex is dating someone else.... do you warn the new person about them? I'm not just talking sour apples here, i'm talking about getting out of an abusive relationship. What should you do, just stay out of it or should you make an attempt to warn the new love interest that she should be careful? What are your responsibilities and where should you draw the line?


I had a situation similar to this. My ex was very abusive, both physically and psychologically, actually to the point where he should have been incarcerated. But I wont get into details here. I had been divorced for about 7 yrs when out of the blue he shows up at my door. He apologized for everything, says it was his drinking and coke habit that caused him to be that way and was a changed man. Then he told me he was getting married again. He wanted me and our daughters to go to dinner with him and his fiance. I refused but said the girls can make thir own decisions. Well my girls accepted although my 2 oldest really didnt want to, but went along because my youngest(who was too young to remember much of how he treated me) wanted to go. When he came to pick them up, he introduced me to his fiance who was 25yo ( he was 41). I was really torn between telling her all about how he treated me and believing maybe he has changed. So I said nothing. Did I do the right thing? Time will tell.
cottonbike
Posted: Sunday, March 25, 2012 5:41:41 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 9/4/2010
Posts: 25
Location: France
I am finding it very hard not to ‘trash’ my ex-wife.

Our life appeared, to me and everyone else, to be great until I took ill with cancer. A few months after an operation she walked out on me with 15 mins notice to ‘sort her head out’. I didn’t know what was going on, heavily dosed up on morphine, anti-nausea tablets and anti-cancer medication; I could not care for myself or all of her animals she left me with. She had taken £90k from the savings account, told friends that I was ‘cured’ of cancer, said she just wanted to be on her own and hoped that we could still be friends. Despite two years of me trying to get her to talk to me about what is/was wrong with the marriage, she has refused to tell me; only saying that she hopes to be able to explain things to me one day, but not now.

Since then she has sold our engagement ring, is taking me to court to try to get the house from me and wants part of my pension, so that she doesn’t have to work again. She has told many people that I didn’t ‘appreciate’ her enough whilst I was ill. She has now moved in with a married man, who has been ‘grooming’ her since the day she left me.

Yes, I do feel very bitter about her and the method of her leaving, the very least she could have done was to tell me that she had a problem with our relationship. At this time I can find nothing good to say about her. I just can’t understand the kind of person that would do this to me; I’m not perfect, but I’ve been a damn good husband committed to her.
blwglove
Posted: Sunday, July 01, 2012 7:42:37 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 3/6/2012
Posts: 45
Location: where I live, Canada
I have yet to trash/bash/or otherwise say anything bad about my ex's. Live and learn, it takes two people to make a relationship work, and sometimes the other just doesn't want to put the effort in.
blazestcyr
Posted: Monday, July 02, 2012 5:48:03 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
this is a great post...i regret with all my heart not going out of the realtionship with class...people remember how you handle a breakup...yes pain makes us do stupid acts..but to FORGIVE..is to..live.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, July 04, 2012 10:39:56 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,578
It's really not the gentlemanly thing to do. She will have had her reasons and it's a manly thing to accept that and move on without trashing her. 'nuf said, end of story.
Sensei
Posted: Wednesday, July 04, 2012 10:48:13 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/16/2012
Posts: 467
Location: United States
JellyTug wrote:

He cheated on me while I was pregnant with a 17 year old.


You were pregnant with a 17 year old?

giggle

My novel, The Society, is available now in the Kindle Store: http://www.amazon.com/The-Society-ebook/dp/B00BPF9U2I
beinggood
Posted: Thursday, July 05, 2012 12:06:44 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/29/2011
Posts: 450
Location: where the dragon is, United States
let it be over and tell friends you prefer not to speak on the breakup..move on with your life..It is what I wished i had did...now i know how to move on..huggs BG

doing my best to be good..
Guest
Posted: Thursday, July 05, 2012 1:53:27 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,578
do not trash your ex first because it doesnt not help your life at all and second remember you might think he is the biggest for lack of a better term ass hole now but at one point you loved that ass hole
Guest
Posted: Thursday, July 05, 2012 2:05:21 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,578
Trashing an ex just makes you look bad and petty. Let it go, let them go.
shaun69
Posted: Thursday, July 05, 2012 2:56:25 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/27/2011
Posts: 13
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
Trashing your ex is sad there are some that i am friends with some that are not..but at some point there have been feelings between them and myself, whether those feelings were ones of lust or deeper. For someone to have feelings and have them reciprocated is always special...glad to say still really good friends with a few 2 imparticular. Personal postplease don not think i am trying to preach
sexygeek
Posted: Thursday, July 05, 2012 5:04:54 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2012
Posts: 1,775
Location: Mystic Falls, United States
Nah,, I won't do that. My brothers will do it for me :) hehehe
adele
Posted: Tuesday, October 02, 2012 1:21:59 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/8/2011
Posts: 20,539
Location: if I knew where I was then I would not be here...
I don't really trash my ex, just state that he was mentally and physically abusive and tat when I found out he was also cheating on me, I finally got up the courage to leave him. Those are just the facts. (OK, I occasionally refer to him as an asshole.) I just found out recently that he passed away this year. I am not saddened by that fact at all.

There is no mark of self,
And no mark of others,
No mark of living beings,
And no mark of a life.


-- The Diamond Sutra
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, March 06, 2013 8:36:11 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,578
TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN! having just gone though a divorce myself dealing with the hurt and pain of it all.... it helps no one to trash your Ex! The pain will subside in time as will the bitterness. Blaming your Ex.... will only allow resentment to grow in yourself and the bitterness will keep you from being able to truely give yourself to another person if your are ever so blessed to find someone again!
BelleduJour
Posted: Wednesday, March 06, 2013 9:29:51 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,508
Location: Canada
Bluez wrote:
TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN! having just gone though a divorce myself dealing with the hurt and pain of it all.... it helps no one to trash your Ex! The pain will subside in time as will the bitterness. Blaming your Ex.... will only allow resentment to grow in yourself and the bitterness will keep you from being able to truely give yourself to another person if your are ever so blessed to find someone again!


Very true! I too have been there and am proof that anyone can rise above the pain and hurt and resentment and still come out great friends and better people as a result. I have said it a million times on here and in my real life, it takes two people to make or break a relationship. If you took a moment to rewind your past relationships to see what part you played in the fail of it, you might have second thoughts about saying anything hurtful or cruel about your ex. Trashing an ex only hurts you, not them. Life is just too short to live with such negative feelings so trying to look at each relationship as a means to learn more about yourself so you can be the best you can be, you will always come out a winner.

aussiephil
Posted: Wednesday, March 06, 2013 11:15:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 6/4/2011
Posts: 55
Location: Mount Isa
When my last relationship ended I at first trashed my ex and it took time for me to get over it.
But I finally did and now talk to her. I told her that i felt no hate or bitterness towards her and even as i write this i have to agree that is the truth.
So all I can say is live and let live
MrLosAngeles
Posted: Thursday, March 07, 2013 12:53:37 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/11/2013
Posts: 484
Location: Marina del Rey, United States
I don't see any point in trashing an ex-. You wanted them at some point, if you were lucky you had good time together, then maybe grew apart. That's life. Why waste stressful time rehashing "what went wrong"?
KatR
Posted: Thursday, March 07, 2013 1:09:28 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/19/2013
Posts: 311
Location: United States
MrLosAngeles wrote:
Why waste stressful time rehashing "what went wrong"?


So you don't make the same mistake again? (You'll make NEW mistakes!)
HoneyBee000
Posted: Saturday, March 16, 2013 6:46:05 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/26/2013
Posts: 13
Location: At Home <3, United Kingdom
All my ex's was good at sex... so never want to trash an ex at all. Might of hated the relationship before it ended but after all that anger has dissipated all you are left with is remembering the good times.
HoneyBee000
Posted: Saturday, March 16, 2013 6:50:16 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/26/2013
Posts: 13
Location: At Home <3, United Kingdom
MsFreakyGoth
Posted: Wednesday, March 20, 2013 4:27:17 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 11/27/2012
Posts: 22
Location: France
Try faking organs for 3months because u dnt want to hurt his feelings and then finding he was cheatting you with his male cousin... Experimentation my ass... I guess he's found his calling...

Be who you are and say Wat you feel
because
those who mind, don't matter.
And who matter don't mind.

so

Sex, is nature.
And, I believe in going along with nature
realz
Posted: Saturday, March 30, 2013 5:24:41 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/29/2011
Posts: 193
My ex wife is still a good friend.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, June 30, 2013 2:59:54 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,578
beinggood wrote:
let it be over and tell friends you prefer not to speak on the breakup..move on with your life..It is what I wished i had did...now i know how to move on..huggs BG


This sounds like excellent advice. Probably should have followed this line of thought a time or 2 myself.

I've never really had a friend I could discuss subjects like this with. Always left me with my heart ripped out. I just get up, dust myself off and muddle through life until the next lady presents herself and hope for the best.
Plushbunny
Posted: Sunday, June 30, 2013 6:46:07 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/6/2012
Posts: 295
Location: Sydney, Australia
Interestingly, I just lost some very old friends because I wouldn't trash my ex. I ended a 31 year marriage at the beginning of the year and when I talked to my oldest girlfriends, I wouldnt tell them details because I had decided that I would not criticise the father of my children and the man I had loved for so long. I was the one to leave but it was obvious they didn't think I had good enough reason. They were very judgemental. I explained I did not wish to "bad mouth" him in any way but that also meant I could not give them enough justification..in their eyes. Oh well..ex friends now.

" I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer"
Woody Allen
Guest
Posted: Sunday, June 30, 2013 2:44:47 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,578
It's like monkeys throwing feces; you may get a charge from throwing it on someone else, but your hand is still getting full of shit.
MadMartigan
Posted: Sunday, June 30, 2013 10:05:21 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 6/17/2013
Posts: 1,904
Location: United States
Be the better person. That's about the only advice there should be following a breakup, particularly the nasty ones.

Just be the better person. That only will make your ex feel like shit.
Jack_42
Posted: Monday, July 01, 2013 12:09:00 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/21/2009
Posts: 978
Location: Prague, Czech Republic
There are no formulas of behaviour for this situation just get through it as best as you can the main thing is survive.
Users browsing this topic
Guest 


Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Main Forum RSS : RSS

Powered by Yet Another Forum.net version 1.9.1.6 (NET v4.0) - 11/14/2007
Copyright © 2003-2006 Yet Another Forum.net. All rights reserved.