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If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her? Options · View
nellieneska
Posted: Monday, June 25, 2012 12:03:07 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/21/2011
Posts: 295
Location: United States
I would tell my dog that the wind is not going to hurt him and its okay to walk up the stairs. I know they are funny shaped, but stairs won't hurt you.

If you can't fuck yourself ... who can you fuck?
Naughtygrl73
Posted: Monday, June 25, 2012 4:04:52 AM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 5/21/2011
Posts: 1,418
Location: The Naughty Mansion, Australia
I would tell my girl thankyou for 19 great years. Thankyou for moving over and loving our little two legged terrors who insisted on pulling your tail whenever you walked past, stealing all your favourite balls and riding you like a horse.

To the numerous fish......Im so sorry and will you please stop dying




Guest
Posted: Monday, June 25, 2012 6:49:35 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
to my cat (:
1. your so spoiled and a brat at times but i love you ♥
2. why wont you drink tap water bottle water gets exspencive
3. oh its hilarious when you i throw you ball in the air and yo try to be a bird and fly
4. the ceiling fan is not a monster it will not eat you and theres no reason to go catatonic when someone turns it on
but besides all that remember i love you so much!
The_Young_Swell
Posted: Monday, June 25, 2012 7:53:27 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2012
Posts: 158
Location: Canada
Attention: Fizzgig

1. I have one last can of Classic Chicken Fancy Feast which I mistakenly bought nearly two years ago. One of these days you must stop turning up your nose at everything that isn’t fish.

2. The cat kibble is meant for you to eat if I’m too busy to feed you the exact instant you decide you’re hungry. It wasn’t intended to act as a hunger alarm that you rattle about in your bowl until it’s so irritating I have to stop what I’m doing and get your real tinned food out of the refrigerator.

3. If you insist upon preceding me from behind as I walk about the room, you’re going to get stepped on again.

4. It was cute, if sappy, when you started sleeping on my head as a kitten, but now you’re over two years old and weight more than ten pounds. Go sleep on your own pillow!

5. A lady from the next apartment building was trying to emulate us, walking her cat on a leash, dragging the poor thing spitting and snarling for half a block before she gave up. Now that you can talk, if you don’t tell her I won’t tell her that you are “walking” me, and not vice versa.

6. Keep up the good work as The Shoe Police. Any guy foolish enough to wear loafers with tassels on them deserves to be humiliated.




Always drink upstream from the herd and never miss a good chance to shut up..
Guest
Posted: Monday, July 16, 2012 12:50:26 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
man's best friend?!! What the fuck am I? Chopped Liver? A cat?
Ramjet69
Posted: Monday, July 16, 2012 2:35:35 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 4/16/2010
Posts: 34
Location: United States
To my dog and best friend, "I love you".
CleverFox
Posted: Wednesday, July 18, 2012 9:27:43 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/25/2012
Posts: 481
Location: United States
To my dog, the Great Dane-Boxer mix named Hoagie;"Please stop head butting me in the nads when you walk between my legs." This is a Great Dane thing, to walk between people's legs.

To my cat Sanye Fe, a calico;"Please leave the housemate's brindle female cat alone. I know brindles and Calicos are the bitches of the cat world but chill."

To my cat Cheasepeake, a half Siamese male that is almost 16 years old;"You are a great cat and I hope I made your life as great as a cat could want. I will miss you when you are gone. You came to me in a dark period in my life and brought the light I needed. May you find where you are needed and be a great help."

PS. To Hoagie,
Please don't eat cat poop from their litter boxes and when I tell you to stop you look at me all innocent. It doesn't work because you have kitty litter on your face.
sweeter
Posted: Friday, July 20, 2012 6:56:35 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/24/2012
Posts: 194
Location: Splashville, United States
Simpl.... Stop making all that damn noies while I'm trying to sleep. He is a hamster which means he's up at night but god he makes me want to leave all the lights on so he thinks it's day time. I love him dearly but he is a noisemaker.

Anything you think is sweet, I'm a little more than that.
Kc69
Posted: Friday, July 20, 2012 12:48:22 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 5/12/2012
Posts: 10
Location: Coffee Shop, South Africa
My dogs understand English ...five minutes of it? ...maybe not.
But if they could; I would certainly explain to them that I have a gardener and that their horticultural expertise is no longer required.
simplyjohn
Posted: Friday, July 20, 2012 2:35:02 PM

Rank: Chat Moderator

Joined: 11/24/2011
Posts: 5,823
Location: Eating bloody salad, United Kingdom
sweeter wrote:
Simpl.... Stop making all that damn noies while I'm trying to sleep. He is a hamster which means he's up at night but god he makes me want to leave all the lights on so he thinks it's day time. I love him dearly but he is a noisemaker.



OK .. be my pet just for the duration of this post:

I will always make you a cup of tea but please can I have the crockery back at some point .. I do not have an infinate supply and its Royal Doulton Juno.
I dont have an issue with providing you with biscuits either but you can clean around your mouth, after chocolate ones, yourself damn it
the massages are 25% discounted and so far, after 12 I think, I have received no payments
lastly a bed time story is fine but the books are from the library and have to be returned .. please stop chewing them to bits in a sexual frenzy !!

Sheerdelights101
Posted: Sunday, July 29, 2012 4:03:40 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 7/22/2012
Posts: 8
Location: United Kingdom
Sit!
Guest
Posted: Sunday, July 29, 2012 6:21:11 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
I'd tell her how much it has meant to me that she has always been there for me when I have needed her.
thesilkyknot
Posted: Sunday, July 29, 2012 9:54:52 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/23/2011
Posts: 5,520
oh my goodness.....

--
first --- best thread i have come across

2nd - --- i sooooooooo badly want to tell this asshole (my dog) that ..NO ONE ...IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.....is interested in his play ball.. so he can stop behaving like some maniac when it comes to that...

3rd ---- i want him to know that "that" fly has wings...

4th ----it is not a rule...that he gets his drool dipped ball and puts on the keys of my laptop..when ever i am using it....


rest he knows well...
Guest
Posted: Sunday, July 29, 2012 11:57:19 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
Send for help, we're fucking shit up.
thesilkyknot
Posted: Monday, July 30, 2012 5:29:40 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/23/2011
Posts: 5,520
The_Young_Swell wrote:
Attention: Fizzgig

1. I have one last can of Classic Chicken Fancy Feast which I mistakenly bought nearly two years ago. One of these days you must stop turning up your nose at everything that isn’t fish.

2. The cat kibble is meant for you to eat if I’m too busy to feed you the exact instant you decide you’re hungry. It wasn’t intended to act as a hunger alarm that you rattle about in your bowl until it’s so irritating I have to stop what I’m doing and get your real tinned food out of the refrigerator.

3. If you insist upon preceding me from behind as I walk about the room, you’re going to get stepped on again.

4. It was cute, if sappy, when you started sleeping on my head as a kitten, but now you’re over two years old and weight more than ten pounds. Go sleep on your own pillow!

5. A lady from the next apartment building was trying to emulate us, walking her cat on a leash, dragging the poor thing spitting and snarling for half a block before she gave up. Now that you can talk, if you don’t tell her I won’t tell her that you are “walking” me, and not vice versa.

6. Keep up the good work as The Shoe Police. Any guy foolish enough to wear loafers with tassels on them deserves to be humiliated.




lmao/....... too good
Milik_Redman
Posted: Monday, July 30, 2012 6:20:58 AM

Rank: Internet Philosopher

Joined: 8/14/2009
Posts: 4,380
Location: somewhere deep under the Earth, United States
I'd tell her it's just a vacuum cleaner, not the creature from the black lagoon!

“It is a great thing to know your vices.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero


My Editors Choice Award Winning Stories.








thesilkyknot
Posted: Monday, July 30, 2012 6:36:27 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/23/2011
Posts: 5,520
i want to ask him why he hates the strumming of guitar... do i play that bad???
Guest
Posted: Saturday, August 04, 2012 5:20:34 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
That teddy bear that you bonk after you have your din din's is NOT your wife.
You do not really have to shake the shit out of and 'kill' your teddy.
You do not have to bark every time you hear an ant fart at the back of our yard.
You do not really have to follow me into EVERY room in the house, especially the toilet.
Just because I pick up the car keys does not mean we are going for a drive/walk/run/into the front yard.
If I start to vacuum or sweep the floor, it does not mean it is play time, nor the go ahead for you to bark incessantly.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, August 04, 2012 7:32:06 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
You know that scratch tree over there is for you to use not the walls or the rug...
SensualDesires83
Posted: Saturday, August 04, 2012 1:35:08 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/27/2009
Posts: 373
Location: Southeast, United States, United States
My dog just turned 15 years old and since the day I got her as a puppy, she has always understood words and commands.

However, seeing that she is now in the geriatric stage of her life, I would look at her and say, "Allie, it's been a long hard ride, but we have done it together."

I'd say that because since the day she was 10 months old, she was diagnosed with hip dysplasia, and I gave her the surgery to correct it or help it, but now she has developed arthritis in her hips and I have to help her up to get around.

She was also diagnosed with Canine Hemangiosarcoma, the hypodermal type, which is benign, but keeps coming back as a mass under the skin near her stomach and I have to have it removed when it reaches a certain size. She's already had three removed from recurrence.

So, seeing that we've both been through a great deal together, I'd want her to know for sure.


"So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind."

--Evanescence
BigShyPussyKins
Posted: Saturday, August 04, 2012 2:36:20 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/26/2012
Posts: 111
Location: United Kingdom
Uh? You mean our cat doesn't undertand when we say good morning and he replies back, then ask him if he wants his brekkie and he replies again. Seriously, he does lol. But if he could talk back then I would ask him what's it like to be a cat and to be able to sleep anywhere and manage to make it look so comfortable - like lying on earth or just resting on top of the thinnest of fences!
thesilkyknot
Posted: Saturday, August 04, 2012 7:39:07 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/23/2011
Posts: 5,520
also i want him to keep a certain people in mind always... whom he is supposed to chase off whenever he sees them around me...... seriously...that will make my life sooo easy
PookieBooski
Posted: Sunday, August 05, 2012 5:41:30 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/1/2012
Posts: 106
Location: My Room, United States
I've always thought she DID understand English. In fact, I think she's more intelligent than me :P Haha.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, August 05, 2012 8:22:12 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
I don't currently have a pet, but just supposin' I could wave my magic wand and have one, she would be brunette, brown or green eyes, shapely figure, playfully-willing attitude, etc. What would I say to her... "Lie down... if you want your belly rubbed."
Guest
Posted: Sunday, August 05, 2012 8:33:44 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,088
To him I would say... You are my fuzzy heart... and I love you so much
To her I would say... Chicken stop peeing on my ducky rug and barking all the time...
adeleeve
Posted: Sunday, August 05, 2012 5:19:17 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/9/2011
Posts: 114
Location: United Kingdom
To my cat I would say

You will never rule the world

ramrod32784
Posted: Sunday, August 05, 2012 10:03:21 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/29/2012
Posts: 558
Location: Fl, United States
Will you PLEASE let me know when you have to go outside
archerintraining
Posted: Sunday, August 05, 2012 11:20:00 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 5/27/2012
Posts: 27
Location: United States
Please, for the love of god, stop with the damn spraying. We get it! It's your territory. Enough! Also, if you could maybe, kinda, sorta stop trying to kill your brother every night I would be most appreciative. 'Kay? Thanks a bunch.
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