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Relationship after group sex Options · View
DakotaKid
Posted: Thursday, August 30, 2012 8:58:02 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 8/1/2012
Posts: 27
Location: United States
Can some of you tell me what your relationship was like prior going into a threesome/group sex and what is/was it like after. What was the jealousy factor the first time you both watched each other with someone else? Did it make your relationship stronger? Or did it ultimately destroy it?
acecruiser
Posted: Thursday, August 30, 2012 9:32:33 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 8/1/2010
Posts: 12
Location: Virginia, United States
With my wife and i she wasn't that into it to begin with and didn't want to be around the guy anymore. He was probably an ass and wanted some on the side so the act didn't produce what I wanted.
DakotaKid
Posted: Friday, August 31, 2012 9:31:21 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 8/1/2012
Posts: 27
Location: United States
I was hoping to get more of a response
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, August 31, 2012 11:12:57 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,289
Location: West Coast
It works well if you're in a good place in your relationship (ie. you're emotionally and sexually in synch) and looking to add some variety and adventure into your sex life.

The problem is that a lot of people turn to threesomes and group sex when their relationship is on the downslide or in an unfulfilling place and they think that this will improve their sex life or connection by kick-starting things again.

As long as your relationship isn't in a vulnerable place it can be very hot - the other people are merely props that come secondary to what it's doing for your primary relationship. Otherwise, yeah - you can leave yourself exposed to all kinds of unexpected jealousies. You might also deal with uncertainty and suspicion after the fact.

A friend of mine did this and she felt like she'd created a monster because after their first couple of times playing, he was *constantly* on the look-out for more. Rules and boundaries are important to establish. You want to make sure you're on the same page with this.

I've had both positive and negative experiences, pretty much related to what I've just said above.


CenterLine
Posted: Friday, August 31, 2012 2:43:05 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/19/2012
Posts: 541
Location: Cuddling with friends,, United States
What Dancing_Doll said about rules is extremely important, so I think I'll elaborate from my own experience and the experiences of my friends.

Additional people becoming involved in a previously monogamous relationship can be extremely negative. It can also be extremely positive, but communication is what's truly important. You know how you have to learn to communicate on a whole new level when you first start dating seriously? The first major/long term relationship you find yourself in is usually new territory, and you have to learn to express yourself both directly and subtly on a daily basis in a way you never had to before. Then it happens again, when you take big steps like moving in together, engagement, marriage, and so forth, right?

It's no different with including another player or other players in the bedroom (or wherever you're doin' it). You and your partner need to establish clear rules and guidelines with each other before you even look for somebody new to include. First you have to decide how you might select your other partner or partners. Somebody you both know? Somebody one of you thinks is a great choice (I do NOT recommend this direction, mind you) for the both of you? Or should you find a local "swingers" community or something similar?

Before anything actually happens with your new friends, you need to define the parameters of how far things are supposed to go. I suggest that rule #1 is always "anyone can stop the whole endeavor, at any point, for any reason, that he or she need not disclose should they not wish to." Other things to discuss are what specific sex acts are on the table and which aren't. Is there anything that's just for you and your partner? These kinds of issues. Of course different couples are secure in their sexuality to different degrees, but I always recommend extreme caution in this area, because while it can be amazing for a relationship, it can also be a disaster.

Once all that is taken care of, you need to discuss with your guests what they're comfortable with. This conversation usually has two parts. The first is informing them of the rules you and your partner have established, and the second is to ask them what they're comfortable with, and what they aren't. Once everything is in place, it's time to have fun.

Other tips: Like Dancing_Doll said, it's important to be in a good place with your relationship already. My best recommendation is to find another couple you connect with who's looking for the same sort of thing. It helps when the guests in your relationship aren't available, per se. Especially if you aren't in a poly or open relationship. These are important things to keep in mind, but have fun.

My girlfriend and I actually got together out of a threesome when we were all single. The guy was a catalyst for us and we're all still friends, but she and I fell in love and it worked out amazingly for us. For the moment we are monogamous, but we know that's flexible in the right scenario. The end of the story is that multi-partner sex is fucking fantastic, but it's important to be careful when you're in an existing relationship. I encourage you to have fun, but be careful.



DakotaKid
Posted: Sunday, September 02, 2012 8:22:33 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 8/1/2012
Posts: 27
Location: United States
That sounds like it would work if you make sure and talk about it. What guidelines did you talk about? No making out? No oral? Did you get a dp?
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Sunday, September 02, 2012 12:39:03 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,289
Location: West Coast
DakotaKid wrote:
That sounds like it would work if you make sure and talk about it. What guidelines did you talk about? No making out? No oral? Did you get a dp?


No kissing is a common one - there's a certain intimacy involved in that.

Other things to consider are - is this a 'one-of' moment? who is going to be involved in and who is setting things up? do you both have to agree on the person(s) to be involved or do you get vetos if one of you doesn't feel comfortable. Do you want to be friends with these people or see them after the fact? Who keeps the contact info?

I will say, I have been a third party to threesomes before and in two situations, it started out as the girl setting things up and making sure everything was cool, and then the guy contacting me after-the-sex to 'chat' and see if I was interested in another go and if not, how about just one-on-one with him or meeting up for drinks etc . Pretty sure the girl had no idea in both situations. The guys just seemed to become more 'proactive' after the sex on the sly and while I rejected those situations because I didn't want to be 'that girl', people should know that it does happen and I've heard a lot of stories along these lines. Once you've already had sex with a green light from your partner, the concept of actual cheating starts to become a gray zone for some people.

Also - if scouting for new people starts to become a priority in the relationship, it can definitely lead to trouble. Boundaries are needed so it doesn't become a free-for-all. It's like putting a kid in a candy store... you start to want more and more, and inevitably one partner becomes unsettled with the whole thing and wants to scale back and normalize the relationship. You want to communicate so you're on the same page and not letting subtle resentments build.


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