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Trust Issues After Physical/Mental/Emotional Abuse Options · View
TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 4:20:17 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/19/2011
Posts: 1,276
Location: I'm the girl that your father hoped he could date.
I will run away when a man raises their voice to yell at me in a heated discussion.
I will cringe in fear, cry or flash into a rage whenever someone threatens my personal space.
I am cynical and untrusting and cannot take anything that a man says at face value because I will always believe they have an ulterior motive to hurt me.
If they try to get close to me (physically or mentally) I will beat a fast retreat. I avoid it at all costs.
Even my male friends. I don't trust things they may say or do and will always feel like a second class citizen in their eyes.
Even though they have never done anything but the exact opposite.
I'm afraid to give my opinion, make a decision, or even leave the house on some days. I am constantly second guessing myself.

I've gone to counselling.
I've taken self-defense classes.
I've tried anti-depressants and anxiety meds.
I've even tried having a normal relationship.
None of these things seem to be working.
It's been a few years, and I am still afraid.

Am I doomed to be a statistic forever?
I used to be outgoing and loved to go and try new things and experience life.
Now... not so much, if at all.

Anyone else with thoughts? Tips? Tricks? Anything? dontknow

sprite
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 4:29:17 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 13,729
Location: My Tower, United States
do things outside of your comfort zone - even if you're a mess, do them. when nothing bad comes of it, it will chip away at all that stuff - it takes time, god, i KNOW it takes time - find someone to hold your hand, if that's what you need, to be there, right next to you, to lend you some strength. i was 22, i spent an year unable to leave my apt. years and years of nightmares, i'll be 30 this month - it took me almost this long to... adjust. i had help. i fell in love with someone i could trust, but first, she was my friend. i think that, when you let your friends take some of the burden, let them in just a little, let them hold your hand on bad days, it helps more than anything - trust is the main issue - let them earn your trust, be honest with them, and let them prove to you that you can trust them. it gets better, i promise - i KNOW. *hugs* you know how to find my mail box. make use of it if you need to, ok?
Shylass
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 4:40:40 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,593
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
TheDevilsWeakness wrote:
I will run away when a man raises their voice to yell at me in a heated discussion.
I will cringe in fear, cry or flash into a rage whenever someone threatens my personal space.
I am cynical and untrusting and cannot take anything that a man says at face value because I will always believe they have an ulterior motive to hurt me.
If they try to get close to me (physically or mentally) I will beat a fast retreat. I avoid it at all costs.
Even my male friends. I don't trust things they may say or do and will always feel like a second class citizen in their eyes.
Even though they have never done anything but the exact opposite.
I'm afraid to give my opinion, make a decision, or even leave the house on some days. I am constantly second guessing myself.

I've gone to counselling.
I've taken self-defense classes.
I've tried anti-depressants and anxiety meds.
I've even tried having a normal relationship.
None of these things seem to be working.
It's been a few years, and I am still afraid.

Am I doomed to be a statistic forever?
I used to be outgoing and loved to go and try new things and experience life.
Now... not so much, if at all.

Anyone else with thoughts? Tips? Tricks? Anything? dontknow


I know it won't help, and for that I am sorry. But... you are not alone. Hugs

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 4:46:55 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
I wish I could help and say it'll all get better soon, but it's been years and I still have . . . I guess you could call it trust issues too.

Lush helps sometimes. .. and cookies too ^_^ yes, I'm silly. .. .. it's how I deal

Nikki703
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 5:00:19 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 12,336
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
It takes time and the amount of time differs for everyone. For me it was very long, actually still not 100% trusting of men. But it helps to have support from friends and family. I had a hard time convincing myself I was the victim and not deserving of what happened. Its so hard to think someone you trusted could do something so heinous.

You can and will get through it. Just dont be afraid or too proud to ask for help from others. And I am living proof that alcohol and drugs dont help, just temporarily dull the pain.

Just be assured you are not alone and if you ever want to chat, please feel free to contact me.
sprite
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 5:53:54 PM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 13,729
Location: My Tower, United States
one_winged_angel wrote:
I wish I could help and say it'll all get better soon, but it's been years and I still have . . . I guess you could call it trust issues too.

Lush helps sometimes. .. and cookies too ^_^ yes, I'm silly. .. .. it's how I deal



*hugs* it never goes away, i mean, it hasn't, but omg, looking back, i can see how much less i am... well, until... but yeah *hugs*
principessa
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 6:00:03 PM

Rank: Sophisticate

Joined: 8/23/2011
Posts: 3,943
Location: Canada
I would try therapy with another psychiatrist - one you relate to better. The other comment I can make is to acknowledge that there are some things that can never be fixed. You can make the decision to get on with your life and have that be the best life you can design for yourself. Perfection is not possible for you or anyone else, but the situations and people who damaged you cannot be allowed to impact the rest of your life.

Just do the best you can each day. It will get better with time and as the hurts fade into the past. They may never be entirely gone, but you can be happy again.

Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 06, 2012 6:04:03 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
sprite wrote:


*hugs* it never goes away, i mean, it hasn't, but omg, looking back, i can see how much less i am... well, until... but yeah *hugs*


lol some days I hide under the bed.
Other days I say "screw it all, I'm over it," then proceed to burst out the front door like a lioness. .. only to run back inside and jump under the covers.
Sprite's hugs are amazing therapy though Hugs .
Archadia
Posted: Friday, September 07, 2012 2:20:33 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/1/2011
Posts: 420
Location: Middlesbrough, United Kingdom
Fight it, Pretend your something you think you are not, it does work believe me. Reinvent yourself, do things you normally wouldnt, everybody can change, I understand you've had a tough time, but its on you, theres nothing more important than being happy, so imagine, at least for a while, that you are not you, your cool, confident, sexy, funny, laid back, and easy going. You are not a fixed person, nobody is, theres just convince themselves of something, are refuse to let it go, even dwell and wallow in it. Everybody is capable of change, its not that theres anything wrong with you, but you need a new lease of life. Picture somebody you idolise, what would they do? Think of Fight Club and the issues that film addesses, its so true, be you, but be a better version of you. Dont worry about trust, just chill, relax, and imagine your a laid back, happy go lucky person, trust will come mutually. Be a greater version of you, talk yourself UP, see youself as you want to be, and have the courage to run with it

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.
Kiki
Posted: Friday, September 07, 2012 4:16:25 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/20/2012
Posts: 368
Location: Where they still believe in Magic...
I agree with all that has been said.., and in addition don't be too hard on yourself.. don't expect miracles... Take Baby steps! Regardless what people say don't wait for that eureka moment that changes your life... Change is a slow process but every step forward is one to be proud off no matter how small you think it might be...

Another tip is ask... when you doubt or feel anger, fear ask... Ask to verify... Even though it might seem offensive checking is better then assuming.. if you check long enough to see if there is a monster under your bed you'll learn to trust again in the end that there is not...

Big Hugs


perkynipples
Posted: Friday, September 07, 2012 8:48:20 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/13/2011
Posts: 360
Location: Pittsburgh, United States
Angel, a few things to remember 1. You are not alone. 2. People do care and want to help if you will let them. 3. Forgiveness.
I too am not so easily trusting. I learned early in my youth that men could hurt you. I still have the emotional scars.
It gets easier to trust but only when your ready. The one thing that helped me is that I forgave the man who emotionally hurt me, and I forgave myself. Not for feeling guilty or thinking it was my fault but for letting him get away with it. Mind you I had no control over the situation at the time. I was a child. The forgiveness came in my early 20's. You don't have to confront them to forgive them so long as you mean it in your heart it will help. I never forget how I felt but I let people in a lot more. If they break my trust I cut them loose. But I am a better person for it. The drugs, drinking, and hiding don't help the pain go away. I've been there. They truly just make it worse. You come down from your high and get smacked around by reality even harder than before.
I think your stronger than you realize. It took great strength to ask virtual strangers for help. Hold onto the good days you have. You will need them when darkness strikes. There are good day ahead. Not going to lie it's not going to be easy and there will be bad days. The fight to survive is in your hands. Don't let the bastard that hurt you win. Tell him to fuck off, get your ass our of bed and do something; it doesn't matter what you just need to do it.
And like a few others have said if you need to talk I'm a pm away.

Bunker Love
My Dream my latest stopry
Guest
Posted: Friday, September 07, 2012 10:20:17 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
Chin up....Chest out......say in the mirror a hundred times a day...." I'M NOT A VICTIM ANY LONGER" Damn the torpedoes full steam ahead....Be that Lioness. Be in charge of your life. Take back what was taken from you. It truly is on you now. The danger has passed. Don't hide. Be bold no matter how difficult. Tell your tormentor in your mind..."FUCK YOU YOU COCKSUCKER........." Anger heals a lot. It suppresses fear AND anxiety. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to freedom. Don't put yourself in the prison someone else has built for you......

Id
1ball
Posted: Friday, September 07, 2012 5:46:08 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/13/2011
Posts: 970
Location: United States
It's very tough to recover from emotional abuse, especially if it happened at a young age. If it goes on long enough, it becomes impossible to trust. If you see any aspect of your abuser in future lovers it makes you hold back. If they know your weaknesses and exploit them, it violates your trust, so sometimes you just have to lay down the list of things they can't do at the risk of losing you. Give them one or two warnings and then move on. Living with someone you can't trust is self-destructive.


My latest story is too hot to publish. My most recent story before that is Even Stranger In Lust
Guest
Posted: Saturday, September 08, 2012 11:23:24 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
i thought iam the only troubled soul,roaming in this site among many cheerful ppl,so we r not alone,i think lush is so confusing
Guest
Posted: Saturday, September 08, 2012 12:09:00 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
narresh wrote:
i thought iam the only troubled soul,roaming in this site among many cheerful ppl,so we r not alone,i think lush is so confusing


I think we're all troubled in some way or another, we just . .. hide it well ^_^
overmykneenow
Posted: Saturday, September 08, 2012 12:43:25 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 966
Location: United Kingdom
Do as much as you can of the positive things in your life you can control. If you're good at something, do it - and especially, do it for others too.

But also push yourself out of your comfort zone

Set yourself achievable targets and analyse what happens as you push yourself to attain them. Be ready for unexpected outcomes - good or bad. Greet them both the same

Talk to people about what you're doing and why.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead
Guest
Posted: Saturday, September 08, 2012 2:12:37 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
Can I just say: please do not overly push yourself out of your comfort zone on a 'bad' day - it's then when the likes of panic attacks and severe anxiety show up.

When you have a moment of feeling a little bit better, whenever that moment is (and I know it may not be a common occurrence) use those moments to do something you wouldn't normally do. Trust someone with a secret, go somewhere that makes you a little bit nervous etc - it really is baby steps - patronising as it sounds.

It's also all about finding coping mechanisms. I do things like write down, briefly, how I feel in a diary (this is good as at a later date it enables you to see how far you've come), I do something distracting, I ping a band against myself if I feel like I might have a little break down, I memorise sentences of books or songs (and then I repeat them to myself in my head as a distraction), for going out and about on difficult days I arrange for a friend to come with me, or I arrange to be speaking to someone on the phone whilst I walk wherever I need to go and so on.

To be honest I highly doubt that anything I've said (or perhaps anything anyone has said) is new to you but it is definitely good to know that there are others in the same, or similar, boat. At times you (generalising here) tend to feel as if you're losing the plot, you're going crazy etc... that isn't so; it's just the body's reaction to trauma.

Fight. That's the word that absolutely got me through the years. Every little victory I have I see as a gigantic 'fuck you' to the prick that put me in this state...that's what keeps me going!
adele
Posted: Tuesday, October 02, 2012 3:33:48 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/8/2011
Posts: 20,539
Location: if I knew where I was then I would not be here...
I spent many years in a mentally and physically abusive relationship. After finally getting out of that, I met another guy and began a relationship with him that lasted over 20 years. He would sometimes get the same look in his eyes as my ex(or at least it appeared that way to me), but he never raised a hand to me. However, it took me many years before I stopped cringing - literally and figuratively. It was a matter of rebuilding trust again. he was patient and understanding, and once he realized what triggered the reactions in me, he controlled those as well. All I can say is once you find someone you trust, who understands your fears, and makes you realize not everyone is like the abusive person, you will start to heal. You may never forget, but you can get past it.

There is no mark of self,
And no mark of others,
No mark of living beings,
And no mark of a life.


-- The Diamond Sutra
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, November 07, 2012 6:23:04 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
TheDevilsWeakness wrote:
I will run away when a man raises their voice to yell at me in a heated discussion.
I will cringe in fear, cry or flash into a rage whenever someone threatens my personal space.
I am cynical and untrusting and cannot take anything that a man says at face value because I will always believe they have an ulterior motive to hurt me.
If they try to get close to me (physically or mentally) I will beat a fast retreat. I avoid it at all costs.
Even my male friends. I don't trust things they may say or do and will always feel like a second class citizen in their eyes.
Even though they have never done anything but the exact opposite.
I'm afraid to give my opinion, make a decision, or even leave the house on some days. I am constantly second guessing myself.

I've gone to counselling.
I've taken self-defense classes.
I've tried anti-depressants and anxiety meds.
I've even tried having a normal relationship.
None of these things seem to be working.
It's been a few years, and I am still afraid.

Am I doomed to be a statistic forever?
I used to be outgoing and loved to go and try new things and experience life.
Now... not so much, if at all.

Anyone else with thoughts? Tips? Tricks? Anything? dontknow


The first thing to remember is this, you are not doomed to be a statistic forever.
Secondly there are things that you can do to overcome these emotional arousal, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques to reduce the effects of your emotional arousal (breathing influences the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems which work towards controlling parts of the body that influence the fight or flight response) guided imagery is also another effective therapeutic technique.

I also know of a technique that works in similar situations as yours, if you would like a review of the technique I would happily share the concept with you, PM if you would like further details.

I hope things have moved on a little since your original posting.


Guest
Posted: Wednesday, November 07, 2012 7:33:55 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 473,818
Sounds like your fighting with yourself than any particual man!! Stop fighting with yourself. Stay in all year if you want, don't ever trust a man if you don't want to - you don't have to.
Your also beating yourself up because you feel you should have a relationship, you should be more outgoing, you should be doing more than you really want to.

Once someone say's to you don't have to do anything to make yourself feel better, all of a sudden ( laughing) you start to build down that inner brick wall and laugh to yourself and think I can do it I've just been acting like an arsy TODDLER LOL. The only real reason I haven't been doing this is because I was rebelling against myself and being stubborn LOL.
ItsaGirl89
Posted: Thursday, November 08, 2012 12:45:48 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 2/28/2012
Posts: 1
Location: United States
Get a gun
Dudealicious
Posted: Thursday, November 08, 2012 8:42:35 AM

Rank: Wise Ass

Joined: 11/12/2010
Posts: 5,340
Location: The center of the universe, Canada
ItsaGirl89 wrote:
Get a gun


I am terribly sorry, getting a gun would have nothing to do with being able to move on from previous experiences in relationships (whether it be mental or physical) The original poster was asking if others have been through this and poured her heart on the line to seek help.

While I realize you are new here, I cannot help but post these.....





The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker

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