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elitfromnorth
Posted: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 7:29:10 PM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,620
Location: Burrowed, Norway
I have what I guess is a rather important question

In every community you'll have unserious people joining. I'm guessing that with the BDSM community there is a chance that people that aren't true will join, and I'm then thinking in particular dom/mes that are attracted to the lifestyle not from the bond formed between boss and sub or the sex play, but their desire to control. They have no desire to create a safe environment for their sub, all they want is to satisfy their own cravings.

Are these people easily spotted? What is done once the serious members spot that there is one amongst you that only wants the control and needs it like a junkie needs heroin? And how do you help the sub that has been the victim for an unserious relationship?

What are the signs of an inexperienced or bad dom/me?

"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 8:15:43 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,086
There are usually obvious signs of people who are joining just to satisfy their own craving and won't be willing to create a safe environment. One such example, was a user who openly said, "A sub is basically a sack of meat to be used as I see fit. If they are unwilling to do anything i command, they aren't a sub". All in the same there are often no signs at all. Those who you can't tell i would say are the worst. They are skilled manipulators and actually have done their homework on the scene because it makes getting prey easier. They make prey out of a sub because of the thrill they get from doing such things. this often ties into your third question.

When I or one of the other Doms I know on lush find some one who is "Wannabe" or gives off other "Uncertain/dangerous" vibes we let each other know and keep an eye out for him to look out for subs to try and prevent them from getting the leverage needed to hurt someone. Sometimes though you just lose track of them and can only hope for the best.

Dealing with someone who was on the bad end of this relationship is going to be something that is very hard. There are several users on here who have openly talked about it and what it did to them. Some people can get better, but like most emotional trauma, especially with the amount of trust you must give over, is something most people will never recover from. It depends on how long the relationship went on for, and how intense it was. Was it a complete power exchange? Was it just something you reserved for sex? Too many variables exist to give there any base guide on how to help. You just support them as best you can, and sometimes if it's severe enough actual counselling could be in order to help them get over things. All you can really do is be there for them to help them get along with things, and handle with extreme care.

Just my two cents. I am sure others can give much better answers than I .
JesseS
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 11:08:58 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 119
Location: United States
As I've posted before, in a BDSM scene and/or relationship, it is the Sub who is in control; they are the one getting their fantasy fufilled. So if the Dom is simply being manipulative, and/or strictly demanding what they want, it is not a healthy situation. The BDSM group that my gf & I used to belong to [sadly defunct] always met new members, other than referrals, at at an off-premise swingers club [we'd arrainge for a large room in the back about once every 3 months] so they could be vetted. A good Dom knows how to convey the spirit and, to a minor extent, the feel, of punishment, without serious bruising, scarring, or worse, blood. When someone wants to "raise welts" they're probably into it for the wrong reasons.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, October 24, 2012 6:17:31 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,086
Sprichler, I couldn't have said it better Myself! This is a very sore subject for Me as I have LOADS of experinece in the subject! My own slave was once at the wrong end of what wound up an abusive relationship and to this very day I have to clean up after it from time to time. Even though we have been together for many years now, it still rears it's ugly head and I have to reassure My pet that I am not the one who did this.

Her situation was different - it was a "vanilla" relationship that ruined her, but distrust is distrust and it's just as hard to get past on the other side of the fence as it is here. Once you've been burned, even the light of love makes you nervous for awhile.
PhareDuFour
Posted: Friday, November 02, 2012 10:49:17 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 10/23/2012
Posts: 57
Location: United Kingdom
The absolute dead-give-away you are dealing with a pretend dom/me: When you question something the dom/me wants you to do, because it goes against your better judgment and you have told them you feel neither comfortable nor confident about doing it, and the dom/me comes back to you with this:

"Are you SURE you're really a sub? You're supposed to do what I say without asking stupid questions like that!"

That's pretty much the point (I think) where the angry sub is fantasizing about stuffing the collar up that person's ass.

Si vos postulo me, sed non vis me, oportet me manere.
Sed si vis me, sed non vos postulo me, oportet me abire.
Green_Man
Posted: Friday, November 02, 2012 12:55:31 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/9/2012
Posts: 1,008
Location: A verdant glen, United States
I was asked by a sub to be her Dom. I was out of my depth. Knew nothing of the lifestyle, but agreed because I am a gentleman and want to please every lady I meet. It was a disaster. She finally accused me of not respecting her. Obviously, I was not doing it right. She went back to her old Dom and I relaxed with a sigh having escaped an unwanted burden. I have friends who are into the lifestyle, but I just don't get it.

ONLY WINNER OF THE OMNIUM AWARD ON ALL THREE SITES: LUSHSTORIES.COM, STORIESSPACE.COM, AND HISTORIASLUSH.COM
Poppet
Posted: Friday, November 02, 2012 1:26:03 PM

Rank: Sweetest Cricket

Joined: 10/5/2012
Posts: 5,252
Location: You Inspire Me, United States
In anything in life their will always be posers, wanna-bes and fakes. All pretending to be something they’re not.

I have seen both fake Dom’s and fake subs. I more often see it in Dom’s. Men, mostly, think or feel like they can control women in every sense and think that makes Him a Dom…. Wrong. A Dom wants NOTHING more then to make His sub happy. Likewise for a sub. She is going to want to do anything she can to make her Master happy. It does nothing more then please her to make Him happy. She feels this way because He protects her, keeps her safe.

It’s not just a sexual life style. Which so many people think that it is. It is a LIFESTYLE. When a Dom hurts His sub and doesn’t respect her hard limits, or abuses her doing things that are to harsh and it causes harm. That isn’t okay. She is willing to do anything for You, don’t abuse that respect she has for You.

I’ve been in that boat; it’s not one I ever wish to be in again.
Respect is the biggest thing you as a Dom and a sub can ask for in a Dom/sub relationship. Don’t abuse the trust a sub has for You.


Guest
Posted: Friday, November 02, 2012 8:04:21 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 535,086
Poppet wrote:
In anything in life their will always be posers, wanna-bes and fakes. All pretending to be something they’re not.

I have seen both fake Dom’s and fake subs. I more often see it in Dom’s. Men, mostly, think or feel like they can control women in every sense and think that makes Him a Dom…. Wrong. A Dom wants NOTHING more then to make His sub happy. Likewise for a sub. She is going to want to do anything she can to make her Master happy. It does nothing more then please her to make Him happy. She feels this way because He protects her, keeps her safe.

It’s not just a sexual life style. Which so many people think that it is. It is a LIFESTYLE. When a Dom hurts His sub and doesn’t respect her hard limits, or abuses her doing things that are to harsh and it causes harm. That isn’t okay. She is willing to do anything for You, don’t abuse that respect she has for You.

I’ve been in that boat; it’s not one I ever wish to be in again.
Respect is the biggest thing you as a Dom and a sub can ask for in a Dom/sub relationship. Don’t abuse the trust a sub has for You.


*Standing ovation here*
Well put and AMEN Poppet! I couldn't have said it better myself!
Poppet
Posted: Sunday, November 04, 2012 9:29:18 PM

Rank: Sweetest Cricket

Joined: 10/5/2012
Posts: 5,252
Location: You Inspire Me, United States
Master_Jonathan wrote:


*Standing ovation here*
Well put and AMEN Poppet! I couldn't have said it better myself!



^/////^ I'm glad there are some decent men out there Sir.. Thank You.. ^-^

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