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elitfromnorth
Posted: Sunday, September 09, 2012 6:48:38 PM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,620
Location: Burrowed, Norway
I'm curious about one thing. I've seen several subs that have it in their profile or telling people that they are not allowed by their Master/Mistress to private chat or whisper to anyone but them. So my question is simply; why? There are several subs who have formed strong friendships with others. Even though this is a sex site, private chats doesn't have to be sexual. What if they feel the need to discuss certain things with others that the Master/Mistress for some reason can't understand because they're not in a situation to understand it. It can be gender questions or life etc. Or just having a banter with your good mates.

This is not meant as a criticism or anything, I'm just curious, because for a person who is outside the lifestyle it seems like the Master/Mistress come off as either a massive controlfreak or they don't trust their sub, and I thought that in such a relationship(like any other) trust was a vital key in such a relationship.

tl;dr(Too long; didn't read):

Masters/Mistresses. Why no private? you come off as this



"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Shylass
Posted: Sunday, September 09, 2012 7:15:00 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,595
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
elitfromnorth wrote:
I'm curious about one thing. I've seen several subs that have it in their profile or telling people that they are not allowed by their Master/Mistress to private chat or whisper to anyone but them. So my question is simply; why? There are several subs who have formed strong friendships with others. Even though this is a sex site, private chats doesn't have to be sexual. What if they feel the need to discuss certain things with others that the Master/Mistress for some reason can't understand because they're not in a situation to understand it. It can be gender questions or life etc. Or just having a banter with your good mates.

This is not meant as a criticism or anything, I'm just curious, because for a person who is outside the lifestyle it seems like the Master/Mistress come off as either a massive controlfreak or they don't trust their sub, and I thought that in such a relationship(like any other) trust was a vital key in such a relationship.

tl;dr(Too long; didn't read):

Masters/Mistresses. Why no private? you come off as this



Haven't you heard of the search function? You're a very naughty boy; go to my office! a1089

http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst23483_I39m-Not-Allowed-To.aspx

It would be nice to see if there are any fresh takes on this, though.


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
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MistressS
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 5:35:03 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/31/2011
Posts: 65
Can't speak for everyone else, but in my case, it was my sub who asked for this rule. Since she doesn't like upsetting or annoying people she can find it hard at times to say no to people, so being able to say that she isn't allowed to private chat with people helps take the pressure of her, since it's not up to her in a way.

I have also seen on other sites, not so much here, mentions of some subs being manipulated by people into going into private chats with them. From people using reasons like how 'they'll help the sub better serve their Dom/me' or telling the sub that it is what is expected of them and they shouldn't say no (which I found particularly disgusting to read). Being given the rule that they can't private chat stops this from happening (assuming they follow the rule of course), and like above it means the sub no longer is responsible for that decision, so they shouldn't be able to be guilted of forced into going into these private chats.

I think I can say however that the majority of Dom/mes (the ones I know anyway) who give this rule are ok with the sub private chatting or whispering with friends, so long as they know that the person isn't going to try make the sub to cyber with them.
elitfromnorth
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 6:27:13 AM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,620
Location: Burrowed, Norway
MistressS wrote:
Can't speak for everyone else, but in my case, it was my sub who asked for this rule. Since she doesn't like upsetting or annoying people she can find it hard at times to say no to people, so being able to say that she isn't allowed to private chat with people helps take the pressure of her, since it's not up to her in a way.

I have also seen on other sites, not so much here, mentions of some subs being manipulated by people into going into private chats with them. From people using reasons like how 'they'll help the sub better serve their Dom/me' or telling the sub that it is what is expected of them and they shouldn't say no (which I found particularly disgusting to read). Being given the rule that they can't private chat stops this from happening (assuming they follow the rule of course), and like above it means the sub no longer is responsible for that decision, so they shouldn't be able to be guilted of forced into going into these private chats.

I think I can say however that the majority of Dom/mes (the ones I know anyway) who give this rule are ok with the sub private chatting or whispering with friends, so long as they know that the person isn't going to try make the sub to cyber with them.


If the sub asks for the rule then I see it.

But as I saw in the other thread, some gave the rule because they didn't want their sub to cyber with others. Is that really necessary? I feel there's no need to state a rule that extreme to maintain a person's fidelity. As I understand it(correct me if I'm wrong) a sub is to have complete devotion to the dom/me. THen fidelity shoudn't be a problem(at least in my view) if the dom/me asks for it. If the sub gets easily persuaded and manipulated to cyber with random people then fair enough.

BUT I've seen several subs who have no problem at all saying no that still have this rule put on them. In those cases it seems more like the dom/me is moving from just having a light dominance on the sub to trying to have complete control on an unhealthy level. Either that or you don't trust your sub at all.

Again, this is just what it seems like from an outside point of view.

"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Guest
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:27:16 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,753
It depends on the situation why certain Dom/mes have this rule. To be in a D/s relationship you have to have trust, it's not that the Dom/me doesn't trust the sub, but as many of the women here know some of the men (and women) here can be rather persistent. It doesn't matter if the Dom/me places the rule or if the sub asked for it like Anakara did, for most it's another level of protection from other lush users that could be harassing them. Even if you tell someone you don't want to private chat they don't always listen, I found that more people listen if you say that you are not allowed.

In my case I wouldn't want to cheat on my Dom but the no private rule helps remove some of the temptation and makes it harder for other men to make me feel guilty about something that makes me happy.
sprite
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:34:09 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 14,538
Location: My Tower, United States
telling someone i'm not allowed to whisper is my escape clause for when someone is whispering me and i don't particularly wish to communicate that way - with friends, it's ok, there's usually a reason to whisper, like we're talking about something that isn't for sharing in public, but with strangers, it's usually a prelude to cyber, which i am NOT interested in.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Milik_Redman
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 9:09:43 AM

Rank: Internet Philosopher

Joined: 8/14/2009
Posts: 4,378
Location: somewhere deep under the Earth, United States
Hmm, I'm thinking I really need to try these chat rooms...

β€œIt is a great thing to know your vices.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero


My Editors Choice Award Winning Stories.








Ravyn
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:12:50 AM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,088
Location: Bend, United States
A submissive having a rule of not being able to whisper or private chat has nothing to do with the lack of trust from one's Dom/me. Submissives want to give up control and this is just another part of that need. As Mistress an Freya have both said, most subs either ask for this or are completely okay with this rule. Elit, try being a woman on here sometime. Just because one has female parts other members and I am not going gender specific here are relentless. I have been chased by both sexes. Saying no thank you, or NO I am not interested does not always work. 9 times out of 10 it does not. They think they can "persuade" you to see things their way. Being a woman some men will not take no for an answer but if we say we are not allowed to private chat they will usually back off and listen. Granted some do not.

For me, I will private chat with anyone that needs help with the site or has a question they do not wish to ask in the open about the site. I will also whisper to those same members as long as it is Lush related business. Otherwise, I do not private chat with anyone. And even being a moderator in the rooms, some members will not take no for an answer and I have never been one to nor will I ever use being a mod to handle my own personal issues that arise. Simply letting them know that I am not allowed to private chat after several attempts of saying no usually always works.

Each submissive has a different control need or desire. Who are you to say its unhealthy? As long as the submissive is getting their physical and emotional needs taken care of by their Dom/me who is to sit in judgement of that? Who is to say this action or that action is too much or unhealthy? Unhealthy is defined as:

1 : not conducive to health <an unhealthy climate>
2 : not in good health : sickly, diseased
3 a : dangerous, risky
b : bad, injurious
c : morally contaminated : corrupt, unwholesome <an unhealthy imagination>

Nothing in the amount of control one desires or needs is unhealthy if it applies to one specific individual.

I understand your comment being from someone on the outside looking in, but truly you can't understand the dynamics of the D/s relationship by merely looking in through the window. No two are the same. Each have their own needs and desires needing to be full fulled by the other. Its very much a two sided relationship no matter how many think its all the Dominant.

She
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 12:29:19 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/24/2010
Posts: 2,160
Location: Europe
Milik_The_Red wrote:
Hmm, I'm thinking I really need to try these chat rooms...


ahahah, exactly my thoughts!
BabydollSlave
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2012 4:08:48 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/15/2012
Posts: 483
Location: Been All Around The World , Japan
Ravyn took the words right out of my head and eloquently put it down for all to see :)

my newest :)
elitfromnorth
Posted: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 6:20:40 AM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,620
Location: Burrowed, Norway
Ravyn wrote:


Nothing in the amount of control one desires or needs is unhealthy if it applies to one specific individual.



Just to clarify; are you really saying that as long as the sub wants it, no matter how much control the dom/me has over the sub it will under no circumstance be considered unhealthy?

http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst24213_Body-modification.aspx

Just saying...

"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Ravyn
Posted: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 11:27:52 AM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,088
Location: Bend, United States
elitfromnorth wrote:


Just to clarify; are you really saying that as long as the sub wants it, no matter how much control the dom/me has over the sub it will under no circumstance be considered unhealthy?

http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst24213_Body-modification.aspx

Just saying...



It is the Dom/me's job to make sure that their sub is safe at all times. You will find many out there who just "play" the game and that thread you quoted could be just that. In a true and loving D/s relationship and yes believe it or not love can and does play a major role for both the Dom/me and the submissive. Its like any other relationship in that aspect. As for the control, that again is up to each individual relationship and the needs and wants of the submissive.

That thread you quoted started out with her getting implants and then she went on about possibly being a pet. So many enter into this without really knowing much about it and that is a shame. They end up with a person who wakes up one morning and deciding, "hmm I'm a Master or a Mistress" today and that simply doesn't make them one.

There are those out there who need and want pain and various other things that most was deem as abuse hence the masochistic side of the BDSM realm. I can't speak to that as it is not my thing.

Not everyone is into the same thing and that is what makes our world go round all we can do as individuals is educate ourselves in the things that interest us and not judge anyone for the things they may be into.

Just sayin....

Callisto
Posted: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 2:43:50 PM

Rank: Rocker of the cocker

Joined: 8/23/2010
Posts: 2,854
Location: A secret, United States
I'll be adding my My 2 cents later.

Just saying....

Ruthie
Posted: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 6:18:58 PM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 10/21/2010
Posts: 2,363
Location: United States
I don't like to be whispered in chat rooms, unless I'm conspiring with a friend. I have private chats from time to time, but I'm only supposed to cyber if my boyfriend is looking on. It's really not private that way, and I always tell people that. Of course sometimes I have private chats when he's not looking on, but with his permission or if I'm looking for something to confess to that will get me spanked pretty hard.

People who just come into chat rooms and don't know me and start whispering annoy me. I changed my setting so that only friends can whisper me now, so that shouldn't happen anymore. I like the exposure of everyone seeing what I have to say in chat rooms. It's sort of oral exhibitionism I suppose.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 7:39:33 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,753
what is this cheating got to do with pvt chat?i cant understand,y for me, like private chat because i cant control this in rooms,i mean i want to talk to one person at a time,with complete interest,moreover,i have ppl moving around me all the time,n these chat rooms r full of pics,for which iam afraid,bcos iam not allowed to b that way in my circle,iam a doctor and a human being,u know how we r expected to b in india
Ravyn
Posted: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 1:15:12 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,088
Location: Bend, United States
narresh wrote:
what is this cheating got to do with pvt chat?i cant understand,y for me, like private chat because i cant control this in rooms,i mean i want to talk to one person at a time,with complete interest,moreover,i have ppl moving around me all the time,n these chat rooms r full of pics,for which iam afraid,bcos iam not allowed to b that way in my circle,iam a doctor and a human being,u know how we r expected to b in india


I am not sure this is the correct forum for your question. You can always create your own room if you wish and have control that way. You can allow or not allow images being shown in your room which might give you ample time to talk to whomever it is you wish to chat with providing they are inclined to speak with you to begin with. Remember everyone has that choice on here. Happy chatting :)

Guest
Posted: Thursday, September 13, 2012 10:12:02 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,753
Ravyn wrote:


I am not sure this is the correct forum for your question. You can always create your own room if you wish and have control that way. You can allow or not allow images being shown in your room which might give you ample time to talk to whomever it is you wish to chat with providing they are inclined to speak with you to begin with. Remember everyone has that choice on here. Happy chatting :)
thanks,i understood...i think,i will be bored that way,anyways....thanks again
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, October 24, 2012 6:10:02 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,753
elitfromnorth;
I don't know how others on this forum feel but as for Me, I would prefer that My slave not talk to other Dom/mes. If she wants to compare notes with other submissives, I wouldn't have a problem with that. That being said, I do not forbid her from talking to other Dom/mes but she knows My feelings on it and so refrains from it on that basis.

As it was brought up, this lifestyle is based on trust. I trust My slave and she trusts Me. What I don't trust are would-be Masters or Mistresses that don't know the ramifications of what they are doing or that don't care about them. I have been to many chatrooms and forums over the years and seen far too many good people who just want to learn, get ruined by someone just out for a night's entertainment or to mindfuck someone. And it's hard enough to find a willing partner these days without having to scrape up someone else's mess (personal experience here).

So from My perspective, not PMing is "never having to say I'm sorry."
MoonlightSerenity
Posted: Wednesday, October 24, 2012 5:28:15 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2012
Posts: 854
Location: United Kingdom
Master_Jonathan wrote:
elitfromnorth;
I don't know how others on this forum feel but as for Me, I would prefer that My slave not talk to other Dom/mes. If she wants to compare notes with other submissives, I wouldn't have a problem with that. That being said, I do not forbid her from talking to other Dom/mes but she knows My feelings on it and so refrains from it on that basis.


I have a question for you about this - would you allow your slave to talk to other Dom/mes if you knew that they weren't the type to mess around with her and who respected other Dom/mes? As not all Dom/mes that I have seen on here are the type that you have described and some are willing to share information to help the sub and just be friends with them.

It can also be good for you to allow your sub to talk to trusted Dom/mes as the ones on here will protect her if an issue arises as a lot of them care for more than just what people do to their own subs.

Teased and Tormented -My very first story and competition entry is now up!
Guest
Posted: Thursday, October 25, 2012 2:40:58 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 534,753
MoonlightSerenity wrote:


I have a question for you about this - would you allow your slave to talk to other Dom/mes if you knew that they weren't the type to mess around with her and who respected other Dom/mes? As not all Dom/mes that I have seen on here are the type that you have described and some are willing to share information to help the sub and just be friends with them.

It can also be good for you to allow your sub to talk to trusted Dom/mes as the ones on here will protect her if an issue arises as a lot of them care for more than just what people do to their own subs.


MoonlightSerenity,
If I knew that the Dom/mes in question were as you say the type that doesn't mess around then I may allow it, but it would be on a case by case basis. Like I said I trust My pet implicitly, but I also have the responsibility of protecting her and that's where the problem lies. So if I was certain that the Dom/mes was there to help her in her journey then I would allow it. But I would need serious convincing
MoonlightSerenity
Posted: Thursday, October 25, 2012 8:21:59 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/7/2012
Posts: 854
Location: United Kingdom
Master_Jonathan wrote:


MoonlightSerenity,
If I knew that the Dom/mes in question were as you say the type that doesn't mess around then I may allow it, but it would be on a case by case basis. Like I said I trust My pet implicitly, but I also have the responsibility of protecting her and that's where the problem lies. So if I was certain that the Dom/mes was there to help her in her journey then I would allow it. But I would need serious convincing


If you hang out more in the chat rooms and in here you'll be able to point out the good Dom/mes from quite a bit away.

Teased and Tormented -My very first story and competition entry is now up!
overmykneenow
Posted: Friday, October 26, 2012 1:11:44 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,021
Location: United Kingdom
Master_Jonathan wrote:
elitfromnorth;
I don't know how others on this forum feel but as for Me, I would prefer that My slave not talk to other Dom/mes. If she wants to compare notes with other submissives, I wouldn't have a problem with that. That being said, I do not forbid her from talking to other Dom/mes but she knows My feelings on it and so refrains from it on that basis.

As it was brought up, this lifestyle is based on trust. I trust My slave and she trusts Me. What I don't trust are would-be Masters or Mistresses that don't know the ramifications of what they are doing or that don't care about them. I have been to many chatrooms and forums over the years and seen far too many good people who just want to learn, get ruined by someone just out for a night's entertainment or to mindfuck someone. And it's hard enough to find a willing partner these days without having to scrape up someone else's mess (personal experience here).

So from My perspective, not PMing is "never having to say I'm sorry."


Seriously?

I'd really like to see your opinions on this thread... http://www.lushstories.com/forum/yaf_postst26126_House-style-for-BDSM-stories.aspx

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
Frank
Posted: Friday, October 26, 2012 3:52:45 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/16/2011
Posts: 9,276
Location: Pleasure dome, United Kingdom


Fully clothed as well!

________________________________________________________________

Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you.
Aldous Huxley

Ravyn
Posted: Friday, October 26, 2012 12:33:11 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,088
Location: Bend, United States
Frank wrote:


Fully clothed as well!


Seriously, is this really needed? This is a thread for a serious discussion there are many threads for cute or would be amusing images to be posted.

Frank
Posted: Monday, October 29, 2012 12:38:16 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/16/2011
Posts: 9,276
Location: Pleasure dome, United Kingdom
Ravyn wrote:
Seriously, is this really needed? This is a thread for a serious discussion there are many threads for cute or would be amusing images to be posted.


Not talking Yes. Why not?
The picture is there to communicate a few points, for those who wish to see them.
Not just there for amusement.


________________________________________________________________

Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you.
Aldous Huxley

PhareDuFour
Posted: Monday, October 29, 2012 1:54:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 10/23/2012
Posts: 57
Location: United Kingdom
I believe Ravyn pretty summed it up. But just to recap on a couple of things:

1) Not all Dom/mes are ethical. Some would stoop to resorting to the "dirty trick bag" to attempt to lure away an otherwise devoted sub.
2) Subs are exactly what the word implies... submissive... and some find it difficult to come out and say "I'm really not interested in you" without feeling guilty or rude.
3) There is no little box under the profile mask to indicate "OWNED"- Besides, even if there were one, I'm not sure vanilla people would "get it".
4) Some people think subs are everybody's party toy, just because their Master/Mistress calls them "slut". Some people - particularly with vanilla men and female subs, get this notion that if Master is calling her a slut, then she's the public fuck-toy up for grabs and everyone is "allowed" to abuse her.
5) Masters/Mistresses are not only protective about what They Own, but also how pretty everything affects Their Property. Many don't take kindly to the possibility of having Their private Property treated like a piece of trash, so they circumvent the possibilty by forbiding their subs from becoming the psychological dumpster through trash-talking of inconsiderate, ignorant people. This seems particularly true for many heterosexual Sissy-Boy subs.
6) Many subs are allowed to speak to almost anyone, provided they have asked their Owner first. It's a matter of consideration and respect for one's partner. Since all D/s relationships are founded on implicit trust, it's a violation of trust when a sub believes they're "cheating" on their Master/Mistress by chatting/talking/flirting with other people behind their Master's/Mistress' back.

Si vos postulo me, sed non vis me, oportet me manere.
Sed si vis me, sed non vos postulo me, oportet me abire.
Red_Dragon
Posted: Tuesday, October 30, 2012 3:42:58 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/4/2011
Posts: 741
Location: Charleston , United States
My sub will not private chat with others but not because of me. I trust her completely. The thing is we have both been on this site for a long time and know that there are scrupulous people that play at being a Dom/mes and this way it avoids that problem.

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