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Guest
Posted: Friday, November 23, 2012 9:41:06 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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I wasn't sure if I should put this under the "relationship" or BDSM forum. I was wondering if a sub can be jealous. Well... Not that they can't be but as in is it a bad trait? Would you have to work on sharing your Dom with others? At the moment I can't, I am very jealous. I have a feeling that I can't be the only one out there. But is it wrong of me to limit a Dom's power by telling them I am jealous, therefore I can't stand having an open relationship?
MoonlightSerenity
Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 3:30:43 AM

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If you feel uncomfortable with your Dom/me having more than one sub then tell them. If they understand they won't bring another one into the relationship, if not then it may be time to move on.

As Dom/mes need to respect your needs and if bringing someone else into the relationship will affect you then it's perfectly fine to mention that.

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Guest
Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 6:03:14 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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I am going to have to agree with MoonlightSerenity on this one. While it is a Dom/me's right to have more than one submissive if they choose to, it is also the responsibility of that Dom/me to take into consideration His/Her subs feelings and concerns.
Personally speaking, if My sub had a problem with sharing Me and it became a serious issue, then I would have to consider and possibly relent on the idea. However, for my acquiescence, she may have to do something in return for Me. There may be some aspect of our relationship, playing, or whatever that she has been reluctant to engage in and because I let go of the idea of another submissive, she may be required to bite the bullet on another issue.

It is all about compromise and reaching an agreement. Sometimes you have to give up one thing to get another.
Ravyn
Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 1:22:42 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur

Joined: 4/26/2010
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Location: Bend, United States
Han you are not limiting your Dom's power by not wanting to share him with another sub. You as much as he have rights in the D/s relationship. If that is one of your limits then you have that right to speak up and tell him. Ideally this would have been established before the D/s relationship took place. As for it being a bad "trait" you have to realize that the dynamic of the D/s relationship is a very deep and emotional one. You as the sub give everything to your Dom and it is his job to see that you are safe, protected and that he is meeting all your needs as much as it is your job to submit fully to him and in doing so you give everything that you are to him. Its perfectly reasonable if not sharing him is one of your limits. And no you are not the only one out there, I to feel as you do about sharing my Master. Good luck to you.

overmykneenow
Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 2:48:27 PM

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Joined: 6/8/2010
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Location: United Kingdom
Han135 wrote:
I wasn't sure if I should put this under the "relationship" or BDSM forum. I was wondering if a sub can be jealous. Well... Not that they can't be but as in is it a bad trait? Would you have to work on sharing your Dom with others? At the moment I can't, I am very jealous. I have a feeling that I can't be the only one out there. But is it wrong of me to limit a Dom's power by telling them I am jealous, therefore I can't stand having an open relationship?


While you think this shouldn't be under the BDSM forum, I think that this almost defines it!

You're jealous because you given yourself to someone who hasn't given themselves to you.

Decide what sort of sub you want to be. The sort that serves the leader of many, where you are one of many serfs? Or the sort of sub who dictates what their master does... the sort of master who likes compromise and agreement.

To be honest, the healthiest thing is the second option. The first option really is only temporary and doomed to disappointment. The second is the vanilla, but rewarding, way ahead - as long as you play along.


Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead
freakycactus
Posted: Tuesday, November 27, 2012 11:56:48 AM

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Joined: 5/12/2010
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Location: On my cloud, United Kingdom
Han135 wrote:
I wasn't sure if I should put this under the "relationship" or BDSM forum. I was wondering if a sub can be jealous. Well... Not that they can't be but as in is it a bad trait? Would you have to work on sharing your Dom with others? At the moment I can't, I am very jealous. I have a feeling that I can't be the only one out there. But is it wrong of me to limit a Dom's power by telling them I am jealous, therefore I can't stand having an open relationship?


If they're a real dom, you won't be 'limiting their power', they would want to know that this is something you aren't happy with. I know I wouldn't be ok with it - I don't share.

The best type of relationship has a basis in openness, honesty and trust. You should be able to discuss something like this and set it as a limit, as something you won't do, and trust that it's a line he won't cross.

overmykneenow wrote:
the sort of master who likes compromise and agreement


I like masters and doms who are willing to compromise and agree things with their sub / slave, it makes them seem more human and stuff, much more appealing than one who has their unbendable rules that must always be obeyed, no matter what Whistle

overmykneenow
Posted: Tuesday, November 27, 2012 3:44:02 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 968
Location: United Kingdom
freakycactus wrote:


I like masters and doms who are willing to compromise and agree things with their sub / slave, it makes them seem more human and stuff, much more appealing than one who has their unbendable rules that must always be obeyed, no matter what Whistle


I'll deal with you later

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead
freakycactus
Posted: Tuesday, November 27, 2012 4:39:13 PM

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Location: On my cloud, United Kingdom
overmykneenow wrote:


I'll deal with you later


Bless

Guest
Posted: Tuesday, November 27, 2012 9:07:01 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,343
Han135 wrote:
I wasn't sure if I should put this under the "relationship" or BDSM forum. I was wondering if a sub can be jealous. Well... Not that they can't be but as in is it a bad trait? Would you have to work on sharing your Dom with others? At the moment I can't, I am very jealous. I have a feeling that I can't be the only one out there. But is it wrong of me to limit a Dom's power by telling them I am jealous, therefore I can't stand having an open relationship?


You're definitely in the right section. Not sure if you wanted a sub or a Dom's perspective on this, but I'm a sub, and I have some input on this. I don't think it's a bad trait, but if you don't let your Dom know how you feel about it, it can become a problem for both of you. I understand as a sub that we are expected to respect each and every one of our Dom's wishes, but if it's a limit, they have the responsibility of respecting it and try to work something out. With my previous Master we clashed on this very subject because he wanted another sub, and it's one of my main limits, I think that might have been why he let me go. I am very jealous, especially when my emotions are so deep into the relationship. You're not the only sub out there who feels this way. I'm sure there are tons of them who can't bring themselves to be comfortable with the idea of sharing their Dom with another. I mean, you've given yourself completely to them, hoping they'll be able to give themselves to you. It's not wrong if it's something you're uncomfortable with. Whether you're able to change it or not, is completely up to you. If you can't, then I'm sure your Dom will understand and respect your feelings about it. I wish you the best with your Dom.
Guest
Posted: Friday, December 07, 2012 7:16:20 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,343
Subs can feel jealously. I have/had a small jealousy streak going. Not so much b/c of my litter mate but due to my Mistress's hubby.
I guess I am totally in love and it is hard to share even though that is what is required. I think it is natural to feel that way and we all
want our Mistresses to ourselves.
Poppet
Posted: Sunday, December 09, 2012 8:52:50 PM

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Joined: 10/5/2012
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I don’t think it’s wrong that you’re jealous. I think that you need to be with a Dom that isn't just your Dom but also a boyfriend/husband something more serious in the vanilla aspect of it all. I’m also a sub, and I’m also a jealous type. When I have a Dom, He’s not just my Dom but also my boyfriend. I would never feel comfortable enough to want to share my Dom with someone else. I’m lucky enough that my current Dom doesn't want anyone else involved. We have talked about bringing in a girl for me to play with as He watched or even joined as long as He didn't touch her. I would play with her as He played with me. But, we’ve never gotten to that point and I’m fine if we never did. I like having Him all to myself and I am sure He feels the same.

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Guest
Posted: Monday, December 17, 2012 4:19:37 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,343
Poppet wrote:
I don’t think it’s wrong that you’re jealous. I think that you need to be with a Dom that isn't just your Dom but also a boyfriend/husband something more serious in the vanilla aspect of it all. I’m also a sub, and I’m also a jealous type. When I have a Dom, He’s not just my Dom but also my boyfriend. I would never feel comfortable enough to want to share my Dom with someone else. I’m lucky enough that my current Dom doesn't want anyone else involved. We have talked about bringing in a girl for me to play with as He watched or even joined as long as He didn't touch her. I would play with her as He played with me. But, we’ve never gotten to that point and I’m fine if we never did. I like having Him all to myself and I am sure He feels the same.


Yeah. In my case at least my Mistress is also a friend. Well girlfriend in a way. Hard to explain all of the complex dynamics and interpersonal interactions.
We are all human for the most part and jealousy is a part of our personality.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, January 05, 2013 7:39:57 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,343
The most intense part of this lifestyle is the trust and communication. You must be honest enough to tell your Dom your limits and issues. If He is a good Dom for you, he will consider it. it is give and take. There may be more he expects from you if he gives up having other subs. If he truly respects you it will matter to him. Im not typically jealous. However, as Warlock and I got closer and deeper it flared its ugly head. i was honest about it and in the true nature of Dom/sub he does everything he can to protect me and us from jealousy. I will not discuss what I have to give in return.. Lol
bothofus36
Posted: Saturday, January 05, 2013 10:35:27 AM

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Perfect answer, Hot Mama





ProfessionalMaster
Posted: Wednesday, January 09, 2013 11:27:50 AM

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Han135 - This hits very close to home as I have had on several occasions had subs that were not comfortable with others in the relationship. In all of those cases I was more than willing to discuss the feelings with my subs and done what was suggested above. We compromised. I gave up having additional people involved and they relented on something that allowed us to both feel comfortable going forward.

I wouldn't call the feeling jealousy. Because if the relationship is right with your Master/Mistress, their want to have others involved is not because you are not pleasing to them or have any type of deficiency, at least in my case. It is about having each sub in their place.

I will use a perfect example, Princess who recently parted with me would not under any circumstance take on a "pet" persona. This was because of things in her past. So we discussed and decided that if we were to stay together we would have to find a little "pet" to keep around with us. That of course would have meant another sub, but for a specific purpose.

If you have read 50 Shades of Gray and think that you are ready to be a dom or a sub. Then you have a lot to learn.

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littlebitnaughty
Posted: Sunday, January 13, 2013 4:47:07 PM

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i thought i would be jealous, but some people can just offer things your not willing to .....
PhareDuFour
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2013 10:46:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 10/23/2012
Posts: 57
Location: United Kingdom
Han135 wrote:
I was wondering if a sub can be jealous.


I'm not sure if most subs would use the word "jealous" in BDSM, but I'm sure the feelings they have are identical. Let's face it, many people who are drawn to BDSM are drawn into it because of their affinities for "extreme" sex, and "extreme" sexual fantasies, such as menage à trois, quatre, etc.

I don't define myself as "jealous", however I refuse to enter a harem situation or "play" with other people. This is because of my mindset, not because I'm "jealous". Being submissive requires an intense level trust. If you remove the emotion "jealousy" from the equation, what level of trust are you having when you offer your complete trust, but the reciprocal trust is being divided amongst several individuals? Not just trust, but time, consideration and devotion?

Does that equation work for you? You give everything, they give only something back?

Si vos postulo me, sed non vis me, oportet me manere.
Sed si vis me, sed non vos postulo me, oportet me abire.
crazydiamond
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2013 2:58:18 PM

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littlebitnaughty wrote:
i thought i would be jealous, but some people can just offer things your not willing to .....


Huh??

findingnichole
Posted: Tuesday, February 05, 2013 9:37:46 PM

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Location: United States
Jealousy is an emotion even subs can feel. A good Dom/me will be willing to listen to their feelings about it.

You seem sweet, mind if I lick you to make sure?
SweetIrishEyes
Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 7:23:19 PM

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Location: Canada
I am so glad I saw this thread. I am interested in becoming a sub but I was afraid I would be jealous if my Dom had more than one sub. Now I realize that this would be a limit for me. Thanks everyone for being so helpful and clear.
kbplay
Posted: Friday, June 28, 2013 9:56:15 PM

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i dont like to share.....i have jealousy issues
Shery0724
Posted: Wednesday, July 17, 2013 12:48:07 AM

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Posts: 105
Location: Singapore
My master recently wanted me to share him with someone else :) good thing i saw yr thread at first i felt quite sad that i had to share him with someone else but i dont think i hav much of a choice:). He's the master he can di anything he wants
AriOli101
Posted: Wednesday, July 17, 2013 2:25:04 AM

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Shery0724 wrote:
My master recently wanted me to share him with someone else :) good thing i saw yr thread at first i felt quite sad that i had to share him with someone else but i dont think i hav much of a choice:). He's the master he can di anything he wants


Yeah, he can theoretically do anything he wants, but if you're not comfortable with it then you need to say something to him, because that kind of relationship is not healthy. You have just as many rights in the relationship as he does. x

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Guest
Posted: Wednesday, July 17, 2013 10:33:10 AM

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Jealousy, like envy, greed, etc., is a destructive thing in ANY relationship (including just friends). Possessiveness is insecurity and selfishness personified. It is not - in my opinion - "just being human" - it's being childish and immature. Just my two cents, of course, you may think differently.
Ravyn
Posted: Wednesday, July 17, 2013 12:11:27 PM

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Joined: 4/26/2010
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yourmisterdark wrote:
Jealousy, like envy, greed, etc., is a destructive thing in ANY relationship (including just friends). Possessiveness is insecurity and selfishness personified. It is not - in my opinion - "just being human" - it's being childish and immature. Just my two cents, of course, you may think differently.



Jealousy may be destructive in any relationship but it is indeed a fact of life, it exists no matter how much we don't want it to. You may call it childish, but even the most secure unselfish person can feel this emotion no matter how irrational it may seem to others. Not wanting to share your Master or Mistress with another does not make one childish or petty. If the terms of the relationship are set forth in the beginning that it will be completely monogamous, and the relationship takes that turn to the man wanting to bring another woman into the mix, of course there will be many feelings and emotions, Jealousy among them. Its only natural.

Yes, I have seen many of your posts and this is not something you buy into and that is fine. Many don't. It however, does not make those who may feel that twang of jealousy such as the OP, as well as what Shery0724 wrote any less valid and it certainly does not make them childish. You speak of possessiveness being insecurity and selfishness personified, I have yet to meet a Dominant who is NOT possessive over his submissive or slave. It is also a common emotion in the vanilla world as well.


Shery0724 wrote:
My master recently wanted me to share him with someone else :) good thing i saw yr thread at first i felt quite sad that i had to share him with someone else but i dont think i hav much of a choice:). He's the master he can di anything he wants


You most certainly have a choice. You should always have a voice. Speak to him and let him know how you feel about what he is wanting from you. Yes he is your Master, but that does not mean he can do things that make you uncomfortable. If he is not open to you being able to come to him when things bother you, then he may not be the right Master for you. Your emotional well being should be as high of a priority to him as your physical well being.




Guest
Posted: Thursday, July 18, 2013 1:16:12 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,343
If you really love and care for your Dom (depends on the seriousness) then its natural that you'll feel some jealousy. Mainly because you're embedded into your Dom, and you dont want anyone else to have him/her. You have to be able to tell them w.o questioning their authority over you. If you use force and try to stop them then that could lead to consequences (dependong on the Dom, again) , so you have to really tell them how you feel and see where it goes.
JuiceyJ69
Posted: Monday, July 22, 2013 2:13:37 PM

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Location: United States
Being jealous is a part of life that's why its important to be open and honest with your dom/master. They should take into account the way you feel since you've given yourself fully to them. You should never act out of jealousy though if they aren't willing to compromise maybe its time to seek a dom/master who is. From my experience a pet who acts out doesn't help the situation only makes things worse and hurts others.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, July 28, 2013 12:48:12 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 470,343
It is one of the hardest parts and most defining parts of this relationship. I believe it is the subs role to love her Master so much that of course they want them to themselves but a good Master can have multiple subs and treat them so well that they feel loved no master how many of them there are. A little alone time never hurts either.
Jack_42
Posted: Sunday, July 28, 2013 2:35:27 PM

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Location: Prague, Czech Republic
Our ideas about 'faithful' relationships are built on jealousy otherwise none us would have any problem with extra marital relationships trust breaking etc we would all agree to a well rounded 'mature' acceptance of all our little kinks and quirks. However this is not the case and I'm sure this would apply to sub/dom relationships too.
TheLovingSadist
Posted: Tuesday, July 30, 2013 5:21:46 PM

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Okay, I'm going to be the rare one and throw in an interesting perspective. I tend to be rather dominant, and I do tend to enjoy polyamory.

Guest wrote:
I wasn't sure if I should put this under the "relationship" or BDSM forum. I was wondering if a sub can be jealous. Well... Not that they can't be but as in is it a bad trait? Would you have to work on sharing your Dom with others? At the moment I can't, I am very jealous. I have a feeling that I can't be the only one out there. But is it wrong of me to limit a Dom's power by telling them I am jealous, therefore I can't stand having an open relationship?


First, do not wonder "if a sub can be jealous."

We are people first and labels second. You are a person. People get jealous. Do not complicate it any further than that.

Second, do not think about it being "wrong" to "limit a dom's power" by telling them anything. Anything.

Consent is the foundation of everything we do in this lifestyle. Consent is attained through communication. If you do not communicate to someone that you do not want to do something, and you end up doing it simply to please them, you probably aren't going to enjoy it very much and you are probably going to get hurt in some way or another.

D/s is a two way street, whether you have one partner or several. Communication is a must. And if you do not want to do something, you do not have to consent to it. Don't do something you don't want to do. Just don't.

Well...being ordered to scrub the bathroom floor with a tooth brush, naked and with a plug in you is one thing (and, really, that's not so bad). Bringing other people into the relationship is another thing entirely, and should be discussed at length and for a very long time before anything is decided, with a final decision being mutually comfortable.

Now, think of communication in a different way: telling a dominant you are in a relationship with how you feel does not limit their power. It gives them more power over you, because you are sharing yourself with them. It deepens your D/s dynamic, it strengthens your relationship, and it creates a very healthy bond of openness and mutual understanding between you. It does not mean you are restricting them, it means you are opening up to them and giving them the real you.

If it doesn't--that is, if a dominant does not respect your wishes, and does what he wants without your consent and without considering your feelings--than it was not a healthy and consensual relationship to begin with and you should probably find someone more worthy of you.

And yes, there's that word again. Relationship.

D/s is a relationship. It doesn't matter I have one lover (yes, lover--not "sub") or three, each and every one is a relationship. Communication, trust, and consent is the foundation of every single one of them, too.

And yes, jealousy does happen. While I tend to agree with yourmisterdark on the destructive nature of negative emotions in general, that doesn't mean they don't happen, and for legitimate reason--insecurity often being a big one. This is why communication is extremely important. If there is insecurity, it can usually be taken care of after it has been communicated, and the same goes for any other feeling. It is important to communicate, from both sides. D/s, like any relationship, is a two way street.

But even besides all of that, with all of the jealousy and insecurity aside, it's perfectly fine to not want to experience an open relationship. Some people are just built for monogamy, and that's fine. Others are simply programmed to love more than one, and that's fine, too. What is important is to simply be true to yourself, and to communicate that to who ever you are with.

Because we are people first, and labels second.

And, frankly, if a dominant is so weak that telling them how you feel or telling them "no" takes power away from them...well, then. I'll leave that one sit right there.

"A dominant who cannot control himself does not deserve the title of Master, because he who cannot control himself does not have the capacity nor the right to control anyone else." -- The Loving Sadist's Rules of Dominance, Rule One.
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