I'm a quite warm person. In fact my personality is all over the place when you get to know me and we are private.
However I was born with Asbergers, and one of the ways it shows in my case is,
that I have little or none emeotion in my face.
I do indeed smile, but I have to think about doing it all the time in order to do so.
Some people assume I'm snoppish and cold, but I'm really not.
I suspect this contributes to that potential longterm boysfriends are rare, because of it.
I have just come to a point where attension is not just enough, and I want something more again.
Is that a very huge turn off? I really don't know what to do about it.
If so, would a guy feel cheated if he were to realise my facial emotions are almost always acted in public?
I can show emeotion, but I don't like that though I feel what I show, it's still fake.
That's an interesting conundrum. So much of our impressions of another's feelings comes from those facial expressions. I think the big thing is to communicate and make sure the guy knows why you are that way and that the fact that you have to "act" your facial emotions isn't a reflection on him or the relationship or how you feel but simply a function of how you are. Make sure he knows that you have feelings, just can't express them in the way we do.
Can you show emotion in other ways (sorry, I'm not that familiar with Asbergers other than the name) like physical affection (touching, holding hands, hugs, etc.) or in how/what you say? That would be important, I think. If your face isn't showing your feelings, then at least you can communicate them in other ways. Certainly, that would satisfy me even if the lack of facial expression of emotion might take some getting used to.
I agree with seeker. Try to utilize alternative methods to display your emotion. There WILL be guys who are turned off immediately by it but since you mention long-term boyfriends in your initial post it seems you are looking for more than a one night stand. In that case, try to begin a connection with a guy through a passion of yours he may share so he initially sees a certain part of you. Long term, as long as you are honest with him about the situation and he's decent it should be fine. He may even appreciate you trying to show facial emotion in public since you're doing it for him and as long as you compliment it with your own way things should be fine. Just be patient and keep going!
My stepson 19 has Asperger’s so I am very familiar with what you are talking about. And while my experience with him has taught me much my observations should not be construed as the only way it is. As with any human being we each are very unique in many ways and likewise with Asperger people you are not cut out of the same cloth and also very unique.
He has three faces and is in his normal expression neutral face 80% of the time and is matched by his monotone-ish way he speaks and challenge with volume control. He also has his laughing smiling face 10% of the time when things are just that funny and his angry face that comes with debate 10% of the time when he is letting out his angry feelings. The challenge in life for the Asperger person is that they don't connect the dots of social cues. So the communication challenge lies in the area where a conversation between people is up to 80% non-verbal. A conversation typically is made up of facial cues, posture, voice inflection and body/facial animation. A person with Asperger's relies on the literal sense of communication. Words spoken, words written always carry a literal meaning first and foremost so sarcasm and a play on words are not always quickly picked up and sometimes totally missed.
Thusly the facial expression a person shares in communication carries no meaning to the Asperger’s person and there is no natural connection to learning how all those pieces go together. We innately learn this as children in those first five years of life where Asperger children do not. Why would anyone expect you to apply a communication technique that was never understood and then be able to apply it appropriately it in the correct connotation, they wouldn’t.
So I would recommend that if you find a boy/man that you believe has shown interest in you, (and understand is not an easy thing for even those without Asperger’s to notice and being certain of) you level with him early in your communication and explain yourself, much like you did posting your thoughts here on Lush. The two of you will have to grow together learning about the ways you both can share how you feel about each other, understanding he will be sending you non-verbal communication that you don’t receive, and he will have to understand your lack of facial expression that he thinks would be customary to accompany the conversation.
Just like in any relationship that has Asperger’s as part of the equation or for those that don’t, there is no magic formula to growing a relationship. We all stumble and learn how to make the relationship work day by day. I believe if you and a boyfriend keep talking and explaining to each other all the things you share in life that makes your relationship meaningful, you have as much chance as anyone to have a rewarding romantic relationship. I’m sure there are so many qualities to your personality that a boy/man would relish once he understands you. You also then need to learn and understand what makes him tick and you may truly realize that enjoying a relationship is no harder with or without Asperger’s but merely the challenge we all call……life!
While you may superficially appear unemotional to a stranger, people who know you will quickly learn to recognize your own personal cues, so it's probably not a long term relationship problem.
If you're going on a date with someone who doesn't know you well, you can if you choose, bring up that 'people sometimes mistake you for aloof' but don't go any further into clinical details. Most guys would not have a problem with that, as long as they realize that they're not striking out.
As others have pointed out, those who know you should not have a problem with it. Whether I myself would be attracted to you has more to do with what you say, your body language, and other factors VS whether you smile a lot in public. I know how that is though, since I don't smile all the time either. And when I don't smile I don't look "aloof", I look pissed off. LOL The trick is to look at my EYES, not my smile... or lack of one.
But in truth, when I DO smile, people seem to notice it a lot more and it gets real attention. I find that is helpful, and because of it people know it is truly genuine. And for me, being genuine, no matter the outcome is VERY important. That does not mean you can't be civil, or that you have to be an asshole, but don't be FAKE. The right people will be drawn to you if you are a good person.
You pose a very interesting question. Guys for the most part are visual creatures. We react to things most often from what we see. And sadly enough for the most part we are also fairly dense. Picking up on subtle clues is not our strong suit. In your case it sounds doubly hard for your partner to pick up on the subtle tells that indicate what your expressing. Obviously you need to be your own person and feel comfortable in your own skin. If you know your not expressing things via facial expression are you showing them in other manners? Are you affectionate in other ways: holding hands, gently rubbing his back, or arm, kissing him unexpectedly? Guys in large part react to the stimuli given to us. If we attempt something, we often gauge your reaction for clues as how to proceed. It would be wise on your part at least in my opinion to offer some indication of how you feel whether positively or negatively. It may help. But hang in there my dear. There truly is someone out there for every person. If your patient and be yourself, you'll find the right one.
Maybe I could pose something by using an analogy?
I suffer from seasonal affective disorder (this is not the same as having the "blues" during winter. I doubt your blues are accompanied by screwed up sleep schedules, panic attacks, a lethargic feeling 24 hours per day, rumination, and a handful of other symptoms) so much of my energy level and emotional level are "subdued" compared to most people.
In effect, I have to put on a show to act normally. I have to think about being upbeat and happy. Normally, I have a very subdued personality and a severe lack of energy. If I don't force myself to do things and be social, it won't happen. Being non-social is my normal mode of operation.
I wouldn't consider showing emotion, in your case, as being fake. Just like, in my case, being social and being upbeat is not necessarily fake. It's just something that you and I have to work on that most other people don't.
The best thing to do is to "own" it. This means that you take responsibility for it, educate your potential boyfriends / significant others, acknowledge that it's a part of your life (not who you are), and DON'T apologize for it. I use my seasonal affective disorder to winnow people out of my dating life. I don't use it as an excuse to accept anyone and anything that happens to saunter on by, including the people who aren't good for me. I enable it to do good in my life, not enable it to wreak havoc.
The last thing is to accept and love yourself. The weird thing about dating is that the more you love yourself, the more selfish you are about being yourself, and the more adamant you are about being kind to yourself, the more healthy people you attract and it forces you to make more intelligent choices for yourself. If you truly love yourself, you wouldn't ever put yourself in harm's way or in a fucked-up situation.
If you find yourself in a bad situation, a person who loves themselves is caring about their part in the relationship equation, realizes that it takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship (and that one person is not healthy and treating the other person horribly) and promptly removes themselves from the situation. They love themselves enough to not drag themselves through a hellish relationship.
Maybe that helps. Maybe that doesn't. I put the last two paragraphs in there mainly because it helps me with my perspective when thinking about my seasonal affective disorder and how it affects my relationships and my needs.
