Once I got halfway through I realised I was having so much fun typing all of this that I didn't want to stop, so I've expanded it considerably and instead, posted it in the forums for the amusement of all.
I won't mention her name as she might get embarrassed, but she knows who she is - thanks
Note to Admin: Please accept my apologies in advance if this violates any site limits or guidelines regarding forum post lengths, I did check with our resident Stormtrooper beforehand but if it does, please let me know.
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"Oh, you've been to Amsterdam? You must tell me all about it!"
Here you go…
Leaving aside for a moment all of the usual tourist stuff, I've whittled this down to just the best bits. As interested as I'm sure you all are regarding the beautiful architecture and historic significance of this city, its the seedy underbelly that gets your mind drooling for more details right? What happens when the sun goes down, the street lights come on and the dim glow of the Red Light District lures you over to play…
ANYONE FOR A COFFEE?
Let us start in the afternoon.
You and your other half have visited Anne Frank's house, sent postcards home to your respective mothers, taken a trip down the canals on a glass-covered boat; and now you need to relax. You drop off in the hotel room the armfuls of bags filled with gaudy tourist souvenirs and sugar-filled crap, then head off for the real flavour of Amsterdam, the coffee shops.
The first thing you notice is that there are a lot of them! Of course there are, practically every street has at least one. They are easily distinguishable by the large green & white stickers in the front windows and the plumes of smoke drifting out of the front doors as people come and go.
Lets go take a look.
Herbal Remedies
The main attraction of Amsterdam, apart from the sex trade, is undoubtedly the coffee shops and their legal wares.
If sitting for an hour or two, sipping a cappuccino in a haze of sickly sweet weed smoke isn't your idea of fun, then perhaps you're better trying one of the other establishments that frequent the landscape.
There is an interesting 'Cheese Cafe' on the Warmoesstraat that you can pop into for a quick fondue.
Inside, when you manage to navigate your way through the thick fog, is a typically Dutch-style interior with plenty of seating for all. Yellowed walls sport framed photos of famous clientele and no respectable coffee shop would be complete without some reggae music and a small disco ball.
Clear plastic containers line the shelves behind the counter at the far end containing leafy substances of all descriptions, labelled with names so imaginative the growers were undoubtedly testing their products at the time of deciding.
Locals and tourists alike frequent these caves, mingling and chatting in a very friendly manner. Their degree of ability to string a sentence together and hold a conversation will usually indicate whether they in fact live in the area, or are there on holiday.
There were an elderly Japanese couple sat next to us on a comfy leather sofa on one occasion; evidently enjoying their first taste of Amsterdam. Neither being a regular smoker, they were happily puffing away on a pre-rolled joint which are conveniently on sale for the inexperienced rollers. I thought this was a nice reminder that people of all ages and walks of life can feel free to come and experience something new.
I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I am in no way promoting the use of drugs, but should you ever decide that life is too short not to try it just the once; a safe, friendly and legal environment is the place to do it.
Sweets!
For those of you that don't smoke or perhaps don't fancy the idea of smoking, fear not, a plethora of other products await in you in the Willy Wonka Candyland which is the Amsterdam coffee shop.
Everything from cakes, cookies, brownies, hot chocolates, milkshakes and even fruit juices are available in a 'Space' variety; often accompanied by little stickers of UFO's or Aliens.
Please note that it is advisable to take it easy on your first outing, consuming a full brownie on an empty stomach will result in you losing the use of your legs for an hour - you have been warned.
We were kindly greeted by the lovely lady running the establishment on our first visit to this particular coffee shop. Ruth had owned and operated the place for about 12 years and seemed to be highly amused as she sat with us, listening to our incessant giggling.
The euphoric state brought about by the consumption of said brownie was an interesting experience and as we realised later, apart from the fuzzy warm feeling that spreads over your body, it has other hidden benefits as well.
The sex was amazing!
THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT
So you've done the tourist bit, passed out on a coffee shop sofa for an hour and now you're ready for some fun. Back to the room for a shower, slip into something sexy, get glammed up and lets hit the cobbles.
The Red Light beckons.
Red Lights
Whatever your tastes may be, you'll be sure to find something to slate your hunger here.
Astonishingly, at least to myself initially, many of these working girls were actually very attractive. Don't get me wrong, there are still the occasional windows exhibiting a well worn piece of strumpet; but on the whole, most were young, slim girls ranging from 18 to 30.
Strolling down the red-tinted, cobbled alleyways at night is a wonderful experience. Couples walked hand in hand, giggling to themselves at the wares on offer and at the eye catching bikinis and lingerie that were were being employed as tools of seduction.
Ultraviolet strip lights are installed on the inside above each of the glass-fronted doors which makes any brightly coloured or white clothing shine like a beacon in the night.
If the girls like what they see, they'll blow you a kiss and curl a finger enticingly, temping you to step inside and enjoy their company. The ones evidently having a slow night will crack the door open and call out to you.
If your a woman, its usually, "Hey sweetie" and if your a guy, "Suck your cock?"
The transactions we noted, were carried out thus:- Everything is agreed up front through the gap in the door before you are allowed to enter. They ask you what you want to do and assuming you have the bottle to say it, a price is agreed. The cash is exchanged immediately upon entering at which time the curtains are drawn and the fun begins.
Some of you may be surprised, although doubtful on here, that quite a few of these ladies are also bisexual and cater for women. Wolf whistles erupted from passers by as we watched a very attractive, twenty-something lady in a sexy red bikini, coax in a shy looking girl of no more than 18 for a little oo la la.
Perhaps any of you gents who may have enjoyed the affections of these traders of the worlds oldest profession, may share your experience with us? I won't hold my breath on that one ;)
On second thought, admitting your fancy for 'ladies of the evening' might not be the smartest move.
Green Lights
These are rarely seen anymore, we certainly didn't see on our visit, but we were reliably informed by a bar owner that there are a few about here and there. They tend to pop up one night, then disappear the next.
In case you were wondering, these windows are strictly for guys, looking for guys.
Blue Lights
The red lights are women, the green lights are men, what could the blue lights be?
These you can occasionally catch sight of and seem to be a favourite photo opportunity with the tourists. Again, there are not that many about but if you are lucky enough to spot one, you'd be hard pushed to guarantee the gender of the occupant with just the briefest of passing glimpses and without the giveaway of the blue light.
I wonder how many drunk or stoned guys, out on the razzle for the night, have accidentally wondered into one of these rooms only to find a transexual in place of the expected busty blonde of their dreams?
Sex Shops
"Of all the sex shops, in all the world, you had to walk into mine."
The owners of these kinky establishments seem to have been lulled into a dejected and melancholy stupor by the constant immersion in the scene of hardcore pornography and unusual sex toys. But don't let those miserable bastards put you off; get in there and have a play with the merchandise, its great fun!
Ball gags, bondage cuffs, breast binders, ball rings, collars, corsets, full body latex gloves, inflatable dolls, leg spreaders, rampant rabbits, speculums, straightjackets and yes, even the trusty human pony harness. All of these things and more can be yours, if you know where to look. If you have the money, the world is your oyster.
SEX SHOWS
This gets its own category :)
The sex clubs are a MUST. Whether you think they're your bag or not, it was by far the best laugh we had for the whole week. There are two main clubs in the Red Light worth mentioning, Casa Rosa and The Moulin Rouge.
The first is the most expensive at a hefty 50 Euro entry and the other 35 Euro, but both are particularly good.
Picture the scene, it's a small, fairly cramped theatre of maybe 80 seats. Its dimly lit with the faint odour of alcohol and marijuana in the air.
The Banana Woman
Dressed in a bright yellow, spangly number enters the first act. She's in her late twenties, average build and sports a wicker basket filled with bananas.
An amateur, yet very enthusiastic striptease sets the tone for the rest of the show and had us giggling from the start.
5 volunteers were brought up on stage from the audience and asked to kneel at the back so everyone could see them - both men and women were brave enough to give it a go.
Our feature act then took it in turns to half peel a banana, insert it… well you can probably guess where, then simulate a blow job with each of the audience volunteers until they ate it. As each one got a good mouthful they were allowed to leave until one sorry looking chap remained.
She now lay on her back on the stage, inserting her last banana and offered it up to him lifting her hips. Thinking it was Christmas come early, this eager chap lent down between her legs to take a bite and she flung her legs around the back of his head mashing his face into her pussy. I've heard a banana face scrub is actually quite good.
Sharpie
Only one volunteer for this act and it was a shy looking lad of about 18 years.
This performer who was a little younger and toned, got him to reluctantly remove his t-shirt and lay on his back on the stage. Out of her secret 'fun box' came the ingenious device of a hollowed out dildo with a large black marker pen stuck in the end.
Eager to show off her calligraphy skills, she duly inserted said dildo into her self, squatted over the now bright-red and still likely virgin, and proceeded to write on his chest.
Great cheers erupted from his friends and the rest of the audience when he stood proudly to show off his impromptu tattoo which read 'TWAT'
Presumably characters with no curves are easier to write?
Classy smokes a cigar
Unlike the first two acts which occurred at the Moulin Rouge club, this was at the slightly more classy Casa Rosa.
The lights dimmed and on walked an extremely attractive girl of about 20. Tall and slim with long black hair, she was dressed in a sexy black corset with stockings and suspenders. In a very 'Bugsy Malone' fashion, the music began to play and she lit a large cigar and started a seductive dance around the stage and some Basic Instinct, leg crossing on a chair.
Expecting something more for 50 Euros, we were eventually treated to the finale, and were not disappointed.
Her lacy panties were removed with a wiggle of her hips and she performed a circusesque upside pose, resting on her neck and shoulders with her legs straight up in the air.
The lights dimmed further as everyone held their breath. A bright spotlight came on, shining off her glittered shaven snatch; and a collective gasp of shock and approval rang out as she proceeded to insert the cigar into her pussy and blew perfect smoke rings into the stage rafters.
The sensuality and mystique of the moment was ruined somewhat by the elderly woman sat behind us with her husband commenting, "I hope she washes properly down there afterwards."
STORIES
These made me giggle, enjoy.
BBW
Ah, big beautiful women. The first bit was right, and possibly the last bit.
Two young American lads joined us for lunch one afternoon outside the world famous Bulldog Cafe in the Red Light. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, we were both in high spirits and as Jeff and Brett promised not to try and chat us up, we allowed them to share our table.
Once realising that neither of us were particularly shy about discussing the evening activities of this particular district of the city, Jeff retold a particularly funny story which I would like to share with you now.
Stoned out of their minds the previous evening, they had ventured out looking to see what sort of mischief they could get up to. Dares promptly ensued and Brett was the unlucky recipient of having to find and fuck the biggest prostitute in Amsterdam.
As it turns out it actually didn't take them that long to find her, as they enthusiastically pointed out to us a large window, across the canal, on the other side of the street from where we were sat. Closed up for business during the day, I turned and glanced across to it, imagining the previous occupant.
Jeff had kindly paid the 50 Euros for his friend, knowing that the endless fun recounting this tale in the future would be worth the price. At this point, Brett took over the narration as he explained how, twenty minutes into the deed with this 30 stone beauty (that's 420 lbs to you yankies) bouncing up and down on his cock, he started to loose feeling in his legs.
Worried about his circulation and when all other hope of ever using his legs again had faded, he was left no choice but to fake his orgasm and depart as quickly as his jelly legs would propel him; much to the ever growing amusement of Jeff.
Our laughter echoed down the street.
Cock Ring
One of the cities main gay attractions, we were informed, used to be a leather club called the Cock Ring. It is unfortunately closed now due to a drugs raid back in 2010, but it appears the legend lives on.
Why would she mention a club that closed 3 years ago you may ask? Allow me to explain.
The club may be gone but if you are in the right place, at the right time, you may just be lucky enough to catch one of the impromptu street performances which pop up at the old site from time to time - this is usually very late on in the evening and is over just as quickly as it begins.
We were walking back to our hotel room at around midnight, from an interesting perusal of the sex shops, when we saw a small group of people gathered around a wall. A loud slapping noise emanated from the centre of the crowd followed by a muffled moan. Curiosity got the better of us an we decide to wonder over and take a look.
You can imagine the smile that spread across my face as I witnessed, right there in the middle of the street, a BDSM sex show.
One guy wearing nothing but some leather chaps and a gimp mask was handcuffed to a convenient steel hook in the wall above his head, as a big, butch, gruff looking man proceeded to slap his swinging balls for the amusement of the enraptured tourists.
I don't know if the moans were in pain, pleasure or both, but he certainly seemed to enjoy it.
Stella The Amsterdam Stretcher
Dear oh dear.
I suppose if you want to make it big in the world's sex capital (pun intended here), you only need the will to do what the others won't.
Stella is a bit of a celebrity around those parts; known as the Strap-On Stretcher Queen, her penchant for using an oversized falace on willing punters is legendary.
We got chatting to a local resident on our last day in the city, a grizzled old chap sat in a coffee shop, who happened to mention said Stella, as you would in passing. We were engrossed at his recounting of the time she dressed him up in fishnet tights and made him squeal like a girl as she fucked him good and hard with a dildo the size of a horse cock.
As you can imagine, it was quite the eye opener.
Should any of you ever be taken with the fancy of being impaled by novelty sized sex toys, do feel free to check out her website to book an appointment:
Stella's Website
That's it!
I'd love to know what you all thought of my impromptu travel musing, if any of you are frequenters of this wonderful city and have your own interesting accounts to share, please feel free to do so below.
Bon voyage,
Liz x
. Apparently strike 3 does not exist.
(I did get my camera back though !! SCORE!)
(oh and i nearly forgot.... walking through the main square we were lucky enough to get a free driven tour of the area by the the firemen , in the firetruck, that was just PEACHY!! but watch the people on bicycles, they are savage!)
