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The Gentleman's Charter Options · View
ThatStoryGuy
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 1:59:40 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 6/5/2013
Posts: 14
Location: United Kingdom
Hello!

I, much to my own admittance, am a hopeless romantic and probably the worst attempt at a gentleman for a long time :P So, scratching all assumed standards and rules of a gentleman, I want to know what the opinion of the people who put up with us would like. And I hope to compile them into a charter.

If that confused you at all then I will simplify it:

What rules should a gentleman follow?

Any guys that think they know what they're doing feel free to help :)
Jack_42
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:22:34 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/21/2009
Posts: 986
Location: Prague, Czech Republic
To me a gentleman is one who considers other peoples feelings, whose word is his bond and who is polite to all without being sycophantic.
agant
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 4:17:02 AM

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Location: Sydney, Australia
Sincere, courteous, man of his word

_________________________________________
there is always a choice - make it a conscious one
sweetaz
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 5:13:55 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/25/2011
Posts: 9,078
Location: New Zealand
A gentleman is one whom has Manners, Charm, Wit, Integrity and Humble. If you find that man I want his number to upgrade Shhh lol well at least chat
ThatStoryGuy
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 8:03:24 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 6/5/2013
Posts: 14
Location: United Kingdom
It appears all the gentlemen are on here and not in the real world! Or at least none near where I am, causing ladies to have a generally bad disposition towards men. *sigh* The world we live in.

Keep em coming!
Emerys
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 1:43:34 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/27/2013
Posts: 342
Location: United States
A gentleman, huh? Do those even exist anymore?

I suppose my definition of a gentleman would be someone who's courteous, attentive, honest, loyal, and sincere. Bonus if he's a romantic at heart (double bonus if he's not, but tries to be anyway). I don't need some guy to open doors for me and pay for every outing we have-- I can do all that by myself, thanks. I just want a guy who knows how to listen and pay attention and who tries to do the right thing (even if he sometimes gets it wrong). Someone who's willing to be open and who genuinely cares about me AND our relationship. A guy who doesn't lie or cheat or manipulate, and who'll always respect me, even if I suggest we try freaky stuff in the bedroom.

That's a real gentleman in my eyes. =p


crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 1:56:08 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,286
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
This is massive, I don't think every one needs to be considered, but many should, it may help: The Rules of a Gentleman

Dancing_Doll
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 2:11:39 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,296
Location: West Coast
crazydiamond wrote:
This is massive, I don't think every one needs to be considered, but many should, it may help: The Rules of a Gentleman


Just reading this list made me feel kind of relationship-claustrophobic. geek


I think for me, all the good graces of a Gentleman tend to boil down to treating someone with respect - but without losing the fun.


crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 2:18:02 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,286
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Dancing_Doll wrote:


Just reading this list made me feel kind of relationship-claustrophobic. geek


I think for me, all the good graces of a Gentleman tend to boil down to treating someone with respect - but without losing the fun.


Oh no doubt!, I agree, but he wanted a thorough list.
All people have a different idea of what a gentleman is, this covers everyone at some point, though as I stated in the post, not all them need consideration by any means.

bunny

Dancing_Doll
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:09:23 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,296
Location: West Coast
crazydiamond wrote:


Oh no doubt!, I agree, but he wanted a thorough list.
All people have a different idea of what a gentleman is, this covers everyone at some point, though as I stated in the post, not all them need consideration by any means.

bunny


It was a great list! :)


I've always liked the general concept of a 'gentleman' and the basic tenets behind it. I think taken to an extreme, it can become more of the white knight 'put the girl on a pedestal and worship/adore her' which could be many a girl's ideal man, but I'm very egalitarian when it comes to the underlying power dynamic in relationships so having a guy go full tilt with being a 'gentleman' would make me feel smothered and possibly like I'd accidentally waded into a Harlequin romance novel.


crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:15:19 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,286
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Dancing_Doll wrote:


It was a great list! :)


I've always liked the general concept of a 'gentleman' and the basic tenets behind it. I think taken to an extreme, it can become more of the white knight 'put the girl on a pedestal and worship/adore her' which could be many a girl's ideal man, but I'm very egalitarian when it comes to the underlying power dynamic in relationships so having a guy go full tilt with being a 'gentleman' would make me feel smothered and possibly like I'd accidentally waded into a Harlequin romance novel.


Ha! Yes, the Knight in shining armour could so quickly become, the Idiot in tinfoil!

Emerys
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:27:53 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/27/2013
Posts: 342
Location: United States
crazydiamond wrote:
This is massive, I don't think every one needs to be considered, but many should, it may help: The Rules of a Gentleman


OP- This seems more like the criteria of an individual's ideal partner than an actual "gentleman's list". There were a LOT of good points, don't get me wrong, but a lot of them are crap, too. Case in point, #122: when she's tired, carry her, and #126: have those I-love-you-more fights, and #175: calling her "baby" will make her melt every time, and #334: fall for her harder everyday, and #4: learn to play the guitar for her, and #30: give her piggy back rides, etc.

Basically, I think some girl(s) read a few too many harlequin romance novels (or saw Twilight too many times) and came up with a list of how they'd like their ideal boyfriends to be. A lot of the stuff mentioned is in no way "gentlemanly", I don't think. But hey, that's just my opinion, OP.

Emerys
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:35:39 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/27/2013
Posts: 342
Location: United States
Dancing_Doll wrote:


It was a great list! :)


I've always liked the general concept of a 'gentleman' and the basic tenets behind it. I think taken to an extreme, it can become more of the white knight 'put the girl on a pedestal and worship/adore her' which could be many a girl's ideal man, but I'm very egalitarian when it comes to the underlying power dynamic in relationships so having a guy go full tilt with being a 'gentleman' would make me feel smothered and possibly like I'd accidentally waded into a Harlequin romance novel.


Agreed. I am a major romantic, but that list goes so far beyond what I'd consider ideal. I actually thought it was a little creepy. There were a lot of really awesome points, but there were probably just as many that were trite and, honestly, kind of ridiculous. I'd personally feel smothered if someone were to constantly fall on me hand and foot and treat me like a delicate little flower who needed to be sheltered and protected and pampered at all costs.

I think a huge part of being a "gentleman" is understanding how to balance one's desire to be a caring and attentive partner while respecting the fact that one's partner is an independent person capable of taking care of/making decisions for themselves.

ThatStoryGuy
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:37:27 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 6/5/2013
Posts: 14
Location: United Kingdom
It's great to get some feedback on it all.

I asked simply so I could see what the modern day gentleman should adhere to without seeming, as put by dancing doll, as smothering. Gone are the days where a large sword, although arguments can be made it is simply called something else now, and a suit of shiny armor would sway a lady into your arms. Got to say though in the list diamond supplied the biggest thing that confused me was "No.31 Call her babe". There was me thinking it objectified women and made you seem stereotypical macho man.

Then again, at my inexperienced age, what do I know?
crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:39:43 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,286
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Emerys wrote:


I am a major romantic, but that list goes so far beyond what I'd consider ideal. I actually thought it was a little creepy. There were a lot of really awesome points, but there were probably just as many that were trite and, honestly, kind of ridiculous. I'd personally feel smothered if someone were to constantly fall on me hand and foot and treat me like a delicate little flower who needed to be sheltered and protected and pampered at all costs.

I think a huge part of being a "gentleman" is understanding how to balance one's desire to be a caring and attentive partner while respecting the fact that one's partner is an independent person capable of taking care of/making decisions for themselves.


I agree, but, don't be to surprised! There's always someone who wants a piggy back ride! hahahaha

Emerys
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:44:28 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/27/2013
Posts: 342
Location: United States
ThatStoryGuy wrote:
It's great to get some feedback on it all.

I asked simply so I could see what the modern day gentleman should adhere to without seeming, as put by dancing doll, as smothering. Gone are the days where a large sword, although arguments can be made it is simply called something else now, and a suit of shiny armor would sway a lady into your arms. Got to say though in the list diamond supplied the biggest thing that confused me was "No.31 Call her babe". There was me thinking it objectified women and made you seem stereotypical macho man.

Then again, at my inexperienced age, what do I know?



I love it when guys use terms of endearment, but babe/baby has never been one I particularly liked. In fact, the last time a guy kept on calling me "baby" I asked him to stop. There's just something about it that rubs me the wrong way.

This guy I used to hang out with used to call me "sweetheart" and it never failed to make me melt into a puddle of goo. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. <3


EDIT: Be supportive, understanding, considerate, attentive, courteous, affectionate, honest, loyal... the whole shebang. I don't think you need to serenade outside someone's window or punch the guy who whistled at her in the face in order to be a "gentleman". You just need to care for your partner and want to treat her well/with respect WITHOUT making her feel like she's a delicate snowflake who wouldn't last a day in this cruel, cruel world without you.

Seriously, though, it's different for each person. I know some women who love it when guys open doors and pull out chairs for them, and some women who hate it. I myself enjoy such things on special occasions (like if we went to a nice restaurant for an anniversary or something), but regularly? I'd get annoyed, fast.

So it definitely depends on the person.

Dancing_Doll
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:48:28 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,296
Location: West Coast
crazydiamond wrote:


I agree, but, don't be to surprised! There's always someone who wants a piggy back ride! hahahaha


Emerys wrote:

Basically, I think some girl(s) ... saw Twilight too many times







crazydiamond
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 3:55:02 PM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,286
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Dancing_Doll wrote:






Ha! That is gold! I was being sarcastic!

I need to watch more tv, hahahaha.

Emerys
Posted: Saturday, June 08, 2013 4:01:45 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/27/2013
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Dancing_Doll wrote:







Here's a David Tennant gif, because you deserve it.






sprite
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 2:19:14 AM

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somebody who treats you as an equal, not better, not worse; someone who respects you and respects themself, and expects the same from you. it's really that simple. the other bits, the window dressing, are all a result of those basic tenants.

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/hardcore/west-coast-games-part-one-the-beach.aspx
Guest
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 7:33:15 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,411
sprite wrote:
somebody who treats you as an equal, not better, not worse; someone who respects you and respects themself, and expects the same from you. it's really that simple. the other bits, the window dressing, are all a result of those basic tenants.


Well said, sprite. The concept of the gentleman descends from the orders of knights and the various explications and iterations of courtly love (aka romance) down through the esquiries of Beau Brummel's time. You will find, however, as with all human social behavior dichotomies, such as the famous "Southern Gentlemen" who none the less for manners and decorum still beat women and had sex with slaves while professing a code of honor. And it is in both grooming and honor that we find many of the ideals of modern gentility.
A gentleman is indeed one who knows and behaves within the practices of social etiquette -- which means he is comfortable and able to "fit in" in any social milieu from high to low. He will wear the best and most fashionable clothing, though there is such a thing as "shabby gentiiy" like the Russian noble exiles in France and the bohemian artistes of Paris, who, though poor, retained a semblance of rough grooming and romantic notions. While a gentleman is not always gentle, he is duty and honor bound to defend the defenseless, women, children, the less fortunate from abuse He will also defend his ideals of ethical practice and chastise the lazy and "shiftless", the willfully ignorant, the pretender, and the shallow. He is, by nature or schooling, cultured and sophisticated, not narrow-minded and prejudicial. If he is judgmental, it is by taste, not blind following or antiquated code. While he may not himself practice The Arts, he appreciates them in others. A gentleman is aware of his surroundings and other people, yet some feel he holds himself aloof from imitating the baser behaviors and instead aspires, at least, to the highest ideals of human civilization and social manners. He will be respectful and polite in all situations, but push his buttons too hard and he will easily kick your ass to hell and back, for a gentleman is usually also well-schooled in the more martial arts without being either pugnacious nor a bully. In fact, see above, bullies and cowards are often the target for his anger in relation to his code of honor and defense of the defenseless.

A gentleman is supremely confidant because of his self-built knowledge and experience, his self-control, and his respect for himself and others who deserve or earn his respect. As sprite says much of a gentleman's outward expression is window dressing, but it's based on a good sense of design and social fashion. He is the opposite of the brute, "white trash", mob-thinker. He is the descendant of the Spanish hidalgo, the courtier, the officer and a gentleman, the English squire. And people know him when they see him and know him as "a gentleman."
Magical_felix
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 12:48:34 PM

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Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 4,908
Location: California
yourmisterdark wrote:


Well said, sprite. The concept of the gentleman descends from the orders of knights and the various explications and iterations of courtly love (aka romance) down through the esquiries of Beau Brummel's time. You will find, however, as with all human social behavior dichotomies, such as the famous "Southern Gentlemen" who none the less for manners and decorum still beat women and had sex with slaves while professing a code of honor. And it is in both grooming and honor that we find many of the ideals of modern gentility.
A gentleman is indeed one who knows and behaves within the practices of social etiquette -- which means he is comfortable and able to "fit in" in any social milieu from high to low. He will wear the best and most fashionable clothing, though there is such a thing as "shabby gentiiy" like the Russian noble exiles in France and the bohemian artistes of Paris, who, though poor, retained a semblance of rough grooming and romantic notions. While a gentleman is not always gentle, he is duty and honor bound to defend the defenseless, women, children, the less fortunate from abuse He will also defend his ideals of ethical practice and chastise the lazy and "shiftless", the willfully ignorant, the pretender, and the shallow. He is, by nature or schooling, cultured and sophisticated, not narrow-minded and prejudicial. If he is judgmental, it is by taste, not blind following or antiquated code. While he may not himself practice The Arts, he appreciates them in others. A gentleman is aware of his surroundings and other people, yet some feel he holds himself aloof from imitating the baser behaviors and instead aspires, at least, to the highest ideals of human civilization and social manners. He will be respectful and polite in all situations, but push his buttons too hard and he will easily kick your ass to hell and back, for a gentleman is usually also well-schooled in the more martial arts without being either pugnacious nor a bully. In fact, see above, bullies and cowards are often the target for his anger in relation to his code of honor and defense of the defenseless.

A gentleman is supremely confidant because of his self-built knowledge and experience, his self-control, and his respect for himself and others who deserve or earn his respect. As sprite says much of a gentleman's outward expression is window dressing, but it's based on a good sense of design and social fashion. He is the opposite of the brute, "white trash", mob-thinker. He is the descendant of the Spanish hidalgo, the courtier, the officer and a gentleman, the English squire. And people know him when they see him and know him as "a gentleman."


I think this may be the funniest thing I have ever read.

laughing8

Look at it... It just gets better and better and the ending - Holy shit - I imagined misterdark walking by a group of downtrodden people and the people all looking at each other after he passes by and one of them, the oldest one, going "there goes a gentleman, descendant of hidalgo" then the group looking back at misterdark in awe then exchanging stories of when misterdark used his martial arts training to karate chop some white trash ruffian all while maintaining a good sense of social fashion design.







ThatStoryGuy
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 2:10:28 PM

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There is one thing I don't understand after that forum post of great detail and truth that simply radiated a man of honor... How is yourmisterdark single?
BelleduJour
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 3:30:46 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,509
Location: Canada
I will echo many of the things people have listed on here but the one thing I did not see is good old-fashioned chivalry. Seriously. Having returned to the world of dating after being away for a while, I am amazed at how much it has changed including and especially how men treat women. Perhaps my age is really showing now but I remember a time when being a gentleman included such things like opening doors, letting a woman walk into a room first or letting her order first at a restaurant etc.,

I know, I know there will be some of you (especially the young women) who will go absolutely ape-shit reading that saying they don't NEED a man to do those things for them, that they can do all those for themselves...Of course we can! It's not about being helpless.

I consider myself to be a feminist and am NO prima donna. I have always made my own money and have no issues with asking men out on dates or even paying. I have my own opinions and am not afraid to express them. And I've also tirelessly advocated for women's rights both here and abroad over the years but when it comes to dating and relationships, I guess I'm still a bit old-fashioned. I enjoy being treated like a lady. It's the little things that men do that set's them a part from the rest. I think being chivalrous is that little edge.

elitfromnorth
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 4:10:35 PM

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crazydiamond wrote:
This is massive, I don't think every one needs to be considered, but many should, it may help: The Rules of a Gentleman


I love the contradictions of this list. About how you're always supposed to let her win, even when she's wrong but that a gentleman never backs down if he's wrong. Seems like it's written by a bunch of 16yo's who's read every twilight book and romance crap there ever was out there.

"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Guest
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 4:31:39 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 537,411
The replies are most interesting and certainly serve to separate the alleged "classes" of society.

@ Belle du jour: Chivalry was included in my comments about courtly love in which it traces its roots and is often exemplified by the famous story of the nobleman's cloak laid across a mud puddle so that Queen Elizabeth 1st would not soil her slippers. There are still a few remnants to be seen in society but, as you say, they are sadly rare and, I suspect, certainly not among the ilk of "Felix" and his crowd.

@the fellow from the UK who commented. MrDark was once not single,but is now by choice. Finding a Lady today is almost more rare than finding a gentleman.

@Felix. Considering your commentary, the less said to and about you, the better, I believe.

Dancing_Doll
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 4:51:54 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,296
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yourmisterdark wrote:
The replies are most interesting and certainly serve to separate the alleged "classes" of society.






Sorry, I couldn't resist. clown


VanGogh
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 4:53:36 PM

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Interesting thread.

I have found that a true gentlemen does not have to advertise that they are respectful, nor do they need to implore they have manners.

True gentlemen are found in all walks of life, all ages, any profession and any status. They wear jeans, or board shorts, some wear suits, others wear uniforms. It's not how a man looks, but how a man treat another person .... regardless of gender or age or status. A true gentleman in my books has compassion, empathy and a sense of his own worth (not selfish, nor conceited, nor arrogant) that he wants to share with you and others.



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Milik_Redman
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 4:56:55 PM

Rank: Internet Philosopher

Joined: 8/14/2009
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To be honorable. To do those things you've said or implied you would. To not do those things that you know you should not. To act in a way that will not shame you or bring shame on others.

To know the limits of those you love, and when the time is right, push them to the edge but no farther. To be able to like the man you see in the mirror. To be a man others can trust, and be sure they can predict how you will react when they treat you well or treat you badly.

To be there when needed, and to be gone when your presence is against the greater good. To leave others with nothing bad to say about your affect on their life. To have your word be of value.

Be a man who fears to wrong others, and others fear to wrong.

β€œIt is a great thing to know your vices.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero


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principessa
Posted: Sunday, June 09, 2013 5:08:50 PM

Rank: Sophisticate

Joined: 8/23/2011
Posts: 4,306
Location: Canada
PersonalAssistant wrote:
Interesting thread.

I have found that a true gentlemen does not have to advertise that they are respectful, nor do they need to implore they have manners.

True gentlemen are found in all walks of life, all ages, any profession and any status. They wear jeans, or board shorts, some wear suits, others wear uniforms. It's not how a man looks, but how a man treat another person .... regardless of gender or age or status. A true gentleman in my books has compassion, empathy and a sense of his own worth (not selfish, nor conceited, nor arrogant) that he wants to share with you and others.



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