how would you go about revealing this to your partner?
do you have to reveal it?
Advanced Wordsmith
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revealing bisexuality, to a straight partner
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Quote by Juniors_world
how would you go about revealing this to your partner?
do you have to reveal it?
I haven't had to broach it yet because I'm in the "bi-curious" stage of things.
As to whether you have to, I would say that if it is affecting your relationship to your partner, if your desires for erotic contact with partners of a different sex than your current partner (NB. I am trying to respect that you could have homosexuals exploring desires for hetero sex in this situation as well) are getting in the way of your desires for that existing partner, then the conversation needs to be had. If you've already fucked around with a partner of a different sex than your current partner, then it may not go well but it should happen.
All that said, there will be relationship situations where it is better to just bury the desire and keep it off the table. You need to gauge your partner and their receptiveness to the idea.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Juniors_world
how would you go about revealing this to your partner?
do you have to reveal it?
Such a good question and I can't wait for the replies.
I would think that it depends on how serious you are about your partner. You can never be 100% certain what they think but you can have a pretty good idea of how they might react.
It also depends on whether you are prepared to go outside of your relationship or are you thinking about threesomes involving your partner?
Also are you prepared to be known as bisexual? Once it's out it's out for keeps.
Big-haired Bitch
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Anyone I've ever been involved with has always known up front...so there's never been any 'big reveal' for me. It doesn't affect the outcome of the relationship because once I've committed, then it kind of becomes a moot point because I'm not looking to be with anyone else.
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Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Dani
Anyone I've ever been involved with has always known up front...so there's never been any 'big reveal' for me. It doesn't affect the outcome of the relationship because once I've committed, then it kind of becomes a moot point because I'm not looking to be with anyone else.
It must take guts and confidence in yourself to be open from the start. From all of your posts on the subject you are at ease with your sexuality. Did you never a problem with it?
Big-haired Bitch
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Quote by dpw
It must take guts and confidence in yourself to be open from the start. From all of your posts on the subject you are at ease with your sexuality. Did you never a problem with it?
I've never really thought about it. Now that you've asked, I can honestly say no, I've never had a problem with it. Only the internal stuff when it came to realizing and accepting the fact that I'm bisexual. Apart from that, the only issues I've ever had with my sexuality were the issues others made of it....and the majority of that came from people I've been involved with who have preconceived ideas about bisexuals and bisexuality in general. As I'm sure you've seen plenty of times in the forum, people have a hard time separating the terms bisexual and promiscuous. A guy would assume that I'm missing female interaction, and a female would assume I'm missing male interaction...and that created problems and more assumptions....but they were neither my problems nor assumptions to deal with.
I suppose unease sets in if and/or when one becomes tainted or even jaded by how others have interpreted their sexuality and treated them accordingly, but fortunately that's never happened to me. Once I embraced my sexuality, I've been nothing but comfortable with it.
As far as guts and confidence, I've never given that much thought either. When someone asks me to tell them about myself, I've always included my sexuality. It's as much a part of me as everything else about me. I do take a moment to gauge their reaction, but it's better to have all of that out in the beginning than to wait and do some big reveal. That kind of borders on deception. Some don't like the idea of being with someone that isn't fully heterosexual or homosexual, and I'd never deprive someone of the right to choose whether or not they want to be involved with someone who is bisexual.
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Advanced Wordsmith
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The best thing to do is just talk to them about it. If they actually care about you, they won't be upset about it and they'll respect the way you feel.
Who knows, they might even let you explore it a bit ;p
Who knows, they might even let you explore it a bit ;p
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Tough call because everyone is different, however, I've found out there are certain parameters in play here.
1. The amount of discretion required. For example, are you out or not? Some friends I know are bisexual, out and proud. Some are not because they have straight friends and have (usually) genuine concerns about being treated differently. They prefer a more private arrangement.
2. The seriousness of the relationship. If it's a hook-up and nothing more, again, it depends on whether it needs to be revealed or not. (See point 3).
3. The nature of your bisexuality. Wanting a same-sex relationship or just a 'special friend' and needing a predominantly opposite-sex relationship. Yes, I've come across men and women with those kind of dimensions going on. Monogamy is an unusual arrangement for some bisexuals I've met.
My own preference is 'unconventional'. I have straight friends that do not know, I usually tell someone that I want a more serious relationship with. Yet, I have had bisexual hook-ups for just fun and open relationships.
I was married (way too young) and my wife didn't know about my 'tendencies' (I was only curious at the time). We split up for other reasons. I have been with my partner for a number of years, we are far more open, she knows and also encourages me to explore it. Yes, she knew upfront and that honesty allowed her to tell me about her own curiousity.
I think I prefer non-judgemental types, that goes a long way to making it an easy thing to reveal.
1. The amount of discretion required. For example, are you out or not? Some friends I know are bisexual, out and proud. Some are not because they have straight friends and have (usually) genuine concerns about being treated differently. They prefer a more private arrangement.
2. The seriousness of the relationship. If it's a hook-up and nothing more, again, it depends on whether it needs to be revealed or not. (See point 3).
3. The nature of your bisexuality. Wanting a same-sex relationship or just a 'special friend' and needing a predominantly opposite-sex relationship. Yes, I've come across men and women with those kind of dimensions going on. Monogamy is an unusual arrangement for some bisexuals I've met.
My own preference is 'unconventional'. I have straight friends that do not know, I usually tell someone that I want a more serious relationship with. Yet, I have had bisexual hook-ups for just fun and open relationships.
I was married (way too young) and my wife didn't know about my 'tendencies' (I was only curious at the time). We split up for other reasons. I have been with my partner for a number of years, we are far more open, she knows and also encourages me to explore it. Yes, she knew upfront and that honesty allowed her to tell me about her own curiousity.
I think I prefer non-judgemental types, that goes a long way to making it an easy thing to reveal.
Active Ink Slinger
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I told my wife when we were dating, when I slipped on my panties, bra, garterbelt and stockings and told her I loved wearing lingerie!
Internet Philosopher
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Quote by Dani
I've never really thought about it. Now that you've asked, I can honestly say no, I've never had a problem with it. Only the internal stuff when it came to realizing and accepting the fact that I'm bisexual. Apart from that, the only issues I've ever had with my sexuality were the issues others made of it....and the majority of that came from people I've been involved with who have preconceived ideas about bisexuals and bisexuality in general. As I'm sure you've seen plenty of times in the forum, people have a hard time separating the terms bisexual and promiscuous. A guy would assume that I'm missing female interaction, and a female would assume I'm missing male interaction...and that created problems and more assumptions....but they were neither my problems nor assumptions to deal with.
I suppose unease sets in if and/or when one becomes tainted or even jaded by how others have interpreted their sexuality and treated them accordingly, but fortunately that's never happened to me. Once I embraced my sexuality, I've been nothing but comfortable with it.
As far as guts and confidence, I've never given that much thought either. When someone asks me to tell them about myself, I've always included my sexuality. It's as much a part of me as everything else about me. I do take a moment to gauge their reaction, but it's better to have all of that out in the beginning than to wait and do some big reveal. That kind of borders on deception. Some don't like the idea of being with someone that isn't fully heterosexual or homosexual, and I'd never deprive someone of the right to choose whether or not they want to be involved with someone who is bisexual.
Damn, there is so much truth to this. Early on, I thought I could just ignore it and I thought of it more as that was something I once did rather than something I might want to seek out again. With that attitude I entered into a really good straight relationship without telling her I'd been with a guy. When I finally did tell her, she took a 'I love you but I can't sleep with you now' attitude. She felt I was contaminated somehow and I always had the feeling she felt inadequate or that I wasn't going to be trustworthy.
I have to that, looking back that really messed me up. I think I kind of said screw it, if my being bisexual means that I can't have a relationship or be trusted once in one, then I'd make my own needs paramount.
Still, I'm not completely out of the closet due to professional reasons and that makes finding the right time to tell a woman I swing both ways a little awkward. I mean, when exactly do you chime in and say, oh by the way do you have a strap on cause I like from behind and sucking it is really nice.
I've never been very good at handling that so I really envy your comfort level, Dani
Big-haired Bitch
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Quote by Milik_Redman
I've never been very good at handling that so I really envy your comfort level, Dani
As a whole, I think there's a different stigma attached to being male and bisexual versus being female and bisexual.
People are gonna have their insecurities regardless, but I think that people question the masculinity of bisexual men but I hardly ever see the femininity of women questioned in regards to being bisexual.
So that may explain why women are apprehensive about dating bisexual men, because it causes them to question their masculinity. Especially once you reveal the extent of your bisexuality...like whether or not you're on the receiving end of a blowjob or anal. To be honest, I've always thought that there's definitely more pressure on bisexual men than women in that regard. And that's enough to make anyone uncomfortable in their own sexuality.
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Internet Philosopher
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Quote by Dani
As a whole, I think there's a different stigma attached to being male and bisexual versus being female and bisexual.
People are gonna have their insecurities regardless, but I think that people question the masculinity of bisexual men but I hardly ever see the femininity of women questioned in regards to being bisexual.
So that may explain why women are apprehensive about dating bisexual men, because it causes them to question their masculinity. Especially once you reveal the extent of your bisexuality...like whether or not you're on the receiving end of a blowjob or anal. To be honest, I've always thought that there's definitely more pressure on bisexual men than women in that regard. And that's enough to make anyone uncomfortable in their own sexuality.
I think there is a great amount of truth to that and as I am rather submissive I'm my relations with men, I have been through some very painful examples of what you speak of. This is a large reason why I don't make this part of my nature known to everyone.
Oddly, often gay men have almost as difficult time accepting it as straight men do. It's as if the fact that I enjoy a woman's beauty and touch means I'm just kind of faking on or the other.
I long ago stopped worrying to much about such things though but I do regret that it's made long term relationships difficult. In the end though, I've never regretted who I am.
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Milik_Redman
Oddly, often gay men have almost as difficult time accepting it as straight men do. It's as if the fact that I enjoy a woman's beauty and touch means I'm just kind of faking on or the other.
I hate these threads, I seem to lose friends over them.
First question: Would you have a relationship with a man? Could you fall in love with one or is it just sexual?
Internet Philosopher
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Quote by dpw
I hate these threads, I seem to lose friends over them.
First question: Would you have a relationship with a man? Could you fall in love with one or is it just sexual?
Once I could have, and the reason it didn't work was a separate issue. I didn't mean to say I didn't understand what you mean. You make a very valid point. Of course, its the same one women have made as well. It probably is my fault because I can't blame anyone for my being conflicted. I just am what I am.
Excellent observation though.
Active Ink Slinger
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I had been married more than 25 years when I acknowledged to myself that I was bisexual. My capacity for self-deception is amazing. Bisexuality is an orientation, not a description of activities. We married 42 years ago and I have been faithful throughout the marriage.
About ten years after I acknowledged this to myself I told my wife. I still feel it was the right thing to do, but it did not work out well. She freaked out. She had always been distrustful, assuming that I was chasing anything in a skirt or that could spell skirt. This got to the point of checking the mileage on my car every evening when she was working in an office and I was working from home. Now, the number of people with whom I was undoubtedly having illicit sex doubled. I understand her attitude. She was raised by a (father) and a mother who treated her as property. My wife suffered serious emotional abuse up to the day of our marriage.
The "he's having sex with everybody" passed, and then my wife decided that there was no such thing as a bisexual but that I was gay. There is nothing I can do to change her mind. I have not had sex in about seven years.
I am what I am, as Milik Redman said. I am sexually attracted to both men and women. I do nothing about it because I took a vow to be monogamous 42 years ago.
Divorce or even separation is out of the question. We cannot afford it. Our youngest daughter is 37 and is chronically ill. We de facto (albeit not de jure) bankrupted ourselves paying her medical bills about ten years ago. We remain in debt, and I will work well into my seventies to get us dug out. My wife is no longer working and has become our daughter's caretaker. The Affordable Care Act has actually made our daughter's life worse.
By all means be up front. My problem is that I was up front because I thought I was straight.
About ten years after I acknowledged this to myself I told my wife. I still feel it was the right thing to do, but it did not work out well. She freaked out. She had always been distrustful, assuming that I was chasing anything in a skirt or that could spell skirt. This got to the point of checking the mileage on my car every evening when she was working in an office and I was working from home. Now, the number of people with whom I was undoubtedly having illicit sex doubled. I understand her attitude. She was raised by a (father) and a mother who treated her as property. My wife suffered serious emotional abuse up to the day of our marriage.
The "he's having sex with everybody" passed, and then my wife decided that there was no such thing as a bisexual but that I was gay. There is nothing I can do to change her mind. I have not had sex in about seven years.
I am what I am, as Milik Redman said. I am sexually attracted to both men and women. I do nothing about it because I took a vow to be monogamous 42 years ago.
Divorce or even separation is out of the question. We cannot afford it. Our youngest daughter is 37 and is chronically ill. We de facto (albeit not de jure) bankrupted ourselves paying her medical bills about ten years ago. We remain in debt, and I will work well into my seventies to get us dug out. My wife is no longer working and has become our daughter's caretaker. The Affordable Care Act has actually made our daughter's life worse.
By all means be up front. My problem is that I was up front because I thought I was straight.
Advanced Wordsmith
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I had a bisexual friend in Uni who developed a kind of 'system' for coming out of the closet to her partners.
Basically, she felt that if you were trying to seduce someone of the opposite sex, admitting the truth openly in the very beginning might actually be an advantage. In more than one relationship, she had parters who thought that her attraction to women was pretty kinky. However, if she wanted to come out to someone of the same sex she thought she would have to be more careful. She might have to guage their feelings and wait for the right moment. She feels that gay men and women are open to being hurt in so many ways. There's always that fear that you were never a true partner, but in reality an "experiment". Like that one girl in the movies who's all about pussy untill graduation, then it's time to 'grow up' and be a 'big girl' with 'real relationships'.
I called her on it once, because I felt that she was being dishonest. I think she kind of saved herself a little when she told me that she usually brings it up in a conversation about the Kinsey Scale. if she's saying these things to a guy she's trying to seduce, she tells you that she's a three. If she's saying these things to a woman she's trying to seduce she tells you that she's a five. That way she doesn't scare off the girls that she's interested in and she still has the moral safety net of relative honesty. She's still lying about the degree of her attraction to men, but it's a much smaller lie than saying that this side of herself doesn't exist. When she gets further into the relationship she might explain how the situation is. Her current girlfriend knows all about it, and they have such an awesome relationship.
Of course, if she explains all of this to you outside of a relationship, she was probably never planning to have sex with you ever.... yaaaaay for me.
Basically, she felt that if you were trying to seduce someone of the opposite sex, admitting the truth openly in the very beginning might actually be an advantage. In more than one relationship, she had parters who thought that her attraction to women was pretty kinky. However, if she wanted to come out to someone of the same sex she thought she would have to be more careful. She might have to guage their feelings and wait for the right moment. She feels that gay men and women are open to being hurt in so many ways. There's always that fear that you were never a true partner, but in reality an "experiment". Like that one girl in the movies who's all about pussy untill graduation, then it's time to 'grow up' and be a 'big girl' with 'real relationships'.
I called her on it once, because I felt that she was being dishonest. I think she kind of saved herself a little when she told me that she usually brings it up in a conversation about the Kinsey Scale. if she's saying these things to a guy she's trying to seduce, she tells you that she's a three. If she's saying these things to a woman she's trying to seduce she tells you that she's a five. That way she doesn't scare off the girls that she's interested in and she still has the moral safety net of relative honesty. She's still lying about the degree of her attraction to men, but it's a much smaller lie than saying that this side of herself doesn't exist. When she gets further into the relationship she might explain how the situation is. Her current girlfriend knows all about it, and they have such an awesome relationship.
Of course, if she explains all of this to you outside of a relationship, she was probably never planning to have sex with you ever.... yaaaaay for me.
Happiness
My life has no meaning, no direction, no aim. No purpose. But I'm happy. I can't wrap my head around this. What the fuck am I doing right?
My life has no meaning, no direction, no aim. No purpose. But I'm happy. I can't wrap my head around this. What the fuck am I doing right?
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Warrior_Ink
I had a bisexual friend in Uni who developed a kind of 'system' for coming out of the closet to her partners.
Basically, she felt that if you were trying to seduce someone of the opposite sex, admitting the truth openly in the very beginning might actually be an advantage. In more than one relationship, she had parters who thought that her attraction to women was pretty kinky. However, if she wanted to come out to someone of the same sex she thought she would have to be more careful. She might have to guage their feelings and wait for the right moment. She feels that gay men and women are open to being hurt in so many ways. There's always that fear that you were never a true partner, but in reality an "experiment". Like that one girl in the movies who's all about pussy untill graduation, then it's time to 'grow up' and be a 'big girl' with 'real relationships'.
I called her on it once, because I felt that she was being dishonest. I think she kind of saved herself a little when she told me that she usually brings it up in a conversation about the Kinsey Scale. if she's saying these things to a guy she's trying to seduce, she tells you that she's a three. If she's saying these things to a woman she's trying to seduce she tells you that she's a five. That way she doesn't scare off the girls that she's interested in and she still has the moral safety net of relative honesty. She's still lying about the degree of her attraction to men, but it's a much smaller lie than saying that this side of herself doesn't exist. When she gets further into the relationship she might explain how the situation is. Her current girlfriend knows all about it, and they have such an awesome relationship.
Of course, if she explains all of this to you outside of a relationship, she was probably never planning to have sex with you ever.... yaaaaay for me.
That was so good but so funny as well. I've got a shit eating grin.
Advanced Wordsmith
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When I was about 30 and married for five years I told my wife I was interested in same gender sex. I bought it up after sex with her by asking if she would be interested in a threesome with another guy. After a bit of talking I admitted that I had some curiosity in having another penis to play with. We tried a threesome , she didn't get into it , but I loved it. After discussing it latter we came to our agreement and my gay side, as she calls it is kept out of our relationship and marriage. She sort of understands that my sexuality is part of me and it won't just go away or be ignored. I'm so lucky to have such an understanding girl by my side.
Rookie Scribe
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Just tell them of your sexuality from the beginning, it's always best to be open with your partner. If they can't accept it, then they never deserved you. c:
Rookie Scribe
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Quote by LadyLovely_18
Just tell them of your sexuality from the beginning, it's always best to be open with your partner. If they can't accept it, then t
hey never deserved you. c:
absolutley
Lurker
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Not all of my partners have known. It's really none of their business. If I'm with them, I'm with them and it doesn't matter who I've slept with in the past or might sleep with in the future. When it has felt right to tell a partner I tell them, but matter of fact. It's the truth about me, not some weird secret I need to be ashamed of or they need to be embarrassed about knowing.
Advanced Wordsmith
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Quote by LadyLovely_18
Just tell them of your sexuality from the beginning, it's always best to be open with your partner. If they can't accept it, then they never deserved you. c:
wow thats a great point of view, thanks!
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by bedhead82
Not all of my partners have known. It's really none of their business. If I'm with them, I'm with them and it doesn't matter who I've slept with in the past or might sleep with in the future. When it has felt right to tell a partner I tell them, but matter of fact. It's the truth about me, not some weird secret I need to be ashamed of or they need to be embarrassed about knowing.
I completely agree and that's the general tactic I take. Some have never asked and I've never felt like telling. No harm, no foul.
Lurker
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Interesting question and replies. I think it is different if you are bisexual at the start of a relationship or if those desires develop during one. For me it is the later. Didn't recognize and/or develop my bisexuality until 15 years married. We have tween and teenage kids. My wife would not understand - right, wrong or not I cannot risk the turmoil that is likely to result if I told her. Really wish I could - and how amazing it would be if she embraced it - or at least was ok with it - but far too risky to even consider.
Lurker
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My ex trusted me by admitting she was bisexual. Thank god too because it let to threesomes more and more. I thank her her for that haha
Active Ink Slinger
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If you feel that your relationship is strong enough then it doesn't matter. If they don't want to know, then they're not worth knowing.
Active Ink Slinger
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I am bisexual and will never tell my wife never
Lurker
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I'm 99.9% sure I'll never tell my Wife, for a whole variety of reasons. Firstly, I don't know what I'd hope to gain, on the one hand I want to be completely honest with my wife and I want her to know me better than anyone else does, but then I wonder whether my sexuality actually defines me, so would it make my Wife know me any better anyway?
In moments of lust and desire, I want to tell her in the hope she'd be up for some lovely MMF fun, but she doesn't want to do that in a hetro way, so I don't see why doing it in a Bi way would make any difference.
Also, I think if I told her, she would worry that she wasn't enough for me and I know she'd struggle to deal with that, which ultimately, I'm keen to avoid.
So I think it's something I'll take to my grave.
That probably doesn't help you much....sorry!
In moments of lust and desire, I want to tell her in the hope she'd be up for some lovely MMF fun, but she doesn't want to do that in a hetro way, so I don't see why doing it in a Bi way would make any difference.
Also, I think if I told her, she would worry that she wasn't enough for me and I know she'd struggle to deal with that, which ultimately, I'm keen to avoid.
So I think it's something I'll take to my grave.
That probably doesn't help you much....sorry!
Active Ink Slinger
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My ex husband was bi and never told me but i found out way later after we divorced! I was upset and angry and hurt! I would have let him explore that side of him if he had only told me! I can't say for sure what was in his head!
Believe in yourself and all things are possible
Active Ink Slinger
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My ex husband was bi and never told me but i found out way later after we divorced! I was upset and angry and hurt! I would have let him explore that side of him if he had only told me! I can't say for sure what was in his head!
Believe in yourself and all things are possible