Hi all!
It is I, Olivia, your resident sexpert and relationship adviser.
I've been away for some time, but I have returned and NOT empty-handed, mind you.
Summer's in, and lots of you are probably going through the dreaded summer breakup as I type. Have no fear! It happens to the best of us.
The coziness of Fall and Winter are long gone. Summer is full of things like warm breezes, sunny weather, beach bonfires, girls in short (insert item of clothing here), and shirtless guys. Eyes and imaginations wander. People begin to feel cramped rather than safe and cozy and secure. Those Fall/Winter attachments have lost their charm and probably appear suffocating. Even more so this year, as it seemed to be one long dreary Winter and then suddenly Summer happened.
If any of this feels familiar, you're experiencing the beginning stages of the Summer breakup. Whether you're the breaker upper-er, or the breakup-ee, I've some excellent tips for you, and the best part is that you can use them year-round!
What NOT to do:
1. Constantly contact him/her.
It's important to know when it's over. If it's not meant to be, no amount of calling, texting, emailing, tweeting, or sending pigeons is gonna change that. If someone wants to let you go, have the decency to let them. It won't end well for either if you if you don't.
2. Grieve excessively.
Breakups are tough shit. Not just on you, but those around you. But after a certain point you have to acknowledge and accept that it's over and govern yourself accordingly. Don't be that friend. You know the friend I mean. The one that goes out eating with a bunch of friends then bursts into tears when the server brings a basket of bread because, 'OMG he/she used to eat bread!' If you're gonna be a long-term wallower, it's best to spare your friends and family. People like to help those who help themselves, and if you're not willing to at least try, then you'll end up isolating those who care about you the most and then being bitter about it. The invitations will stop and you'll think everyone who tries to talk some sense into you is out to get you and you'll just be more alone and mad at the world instead of adjusting like a normal human being and moving on. Talk about unhealthy.
3. Trash talk him/her to mutual friends.
If the breakup is less than amicable, don't do the shit-talking to mutual friends thing, or anyone for that matter. Just don't. It's awkward for everyone. It forces people to choose sides, plus the other person doesn't even have a chance to defend themselves. And it'll just be more awkward and embarrassing if you guys get back together down the line.
4. Rush into a new relationship.
This one's a no brainer. You're vulnerable and anxious and on the rebound. This is NOT the time to form new attachments. Your wits aren't about you and you're just prolonging the inevitable. It's very rare that rebound relationships work out due to the fact that you haven't given yourself enough time to sort out all of the stuff from your previous relationship. It's very easy to trick yourself into thinking you're ready for something new. Chances are, you're not. Random hookups can be fun, if/when you're mentally and emotionally ready for that. But be careful with these, and don't trick someone into thinking it's casual and they get more than they bargained for.
5. Go off the deep end.
Mixed emotions make us feel like doing crazy shit sometimes, but keep it together. Don't become a stalker or a bunny boiler. Don't show up where you know they're gonna be. They need to move on too. And if they move on before you, let them be happy. Nothing good will come out of you going crazy. And if you feel yourself going down that dark road, seek professional help.
What you should do:
1. Wallow.
Let it all out, well as much of it as you can. Give yourself as much time as you need. Cry. Call your friends (the real ones) in the middle of the night instead of calling him/her. Listen to sad songs. Give happy couples the finger as you pass by them. Vent to those closest to you. Whatever you need to do. But a grieving period is very necessary and very productive.*
*If it's not a mutual thing, and you're the one that's doing the breaking up, give your new ex time and space to grieve.
2. Pull yourself together.
I know I just said grieving is important, but excessive grieving is just unhealthy (see 'What NOT to do section).
3. Get rid of all their stuff (if necessary).
Old letters, gifts (unless they're diamonds), iPod shuffle loaded with all 'your' songs, etc. Get rid of it. You just don't need that kind of baggage. Pawn or donate things with too much sentimentality attached to it. Or at the very least put it out of your sight. It's kinda funny to come across that stuff years later once you've fully moved on. It's a mix of nostalgia and 'What the fuck was I thinking?!'
4. Get a hobby/do something physical.
Get rid of all that pent up emotion and frustration and/or be too busy to miss that person. It'll help you move on a lot quicker and much more smoothly. Plus it will keep you from doing something foolish. Do some volunteer work, write (hint-hint), acquire a new skill like cooking or playing an instrument. Change your look, hate it, and change it again. Swim, run, hike, bike ride, rock climb, etc. If/when you're emotionally ready and you have no aversion to this sort of thing, get yourself a fuck buddy and have ALL the no strings attached sex.
5. Spend time with friends/family.
Now's an opportunity to make up for all that lost time when you neglected your friends and family members when you were in the puppy love stage with your now ex. Good people almost always make it better.
It's hard to tell what's what sometimes when emotions are running rampant. But it's important to keep a clear head and stay optimistic. Without even realizing exactly when or how it happened, you'll be good as new.
Yours truly,
~Olivia
Active Ink Slinger
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