I just wanna share this because I think it might help Me!
I am having RIGHT NOW a high manic attack. I was FINE earlier, even laughing and joking on site in my irreverent way. I spoke to some loved friends here, just chatting. Then I went for a nap and woke up like this. NOTHING has changed in my life in the last few hours. But here's how my Bi Po affects me.
I am doubled over with stomach cramps. For NO REASON I'm in a state of high anxiety/panic attack. I'm alternately freezing and sweating. I've soaked through TWO tee shirts in the last few hours. My hands are shaking so much I can hardly type. I am TERRIFIED and I know I have no reason to be. Not really. I HATE myself and I want to sleep and never wake up. I'm grinding my teeth. I FEEL like the worst asshole on earth. I am at the bottom of a well of lonliness, and I DESERVE TO BE BECAUSE I AM A LUNATIC! Nobody will ever love me ever again. My vampire story is shit and I'm a fool to have thought it wasn't. I feel violently nauseous. I embarass myself. I think I might be making a huge mistake even TALKING about this
I'm TELLING myself that this WILL pass. I KNOW that the physical and mental pain I'm in right now is BECAUSE I have a condition. So in a way it's not even real. But it FEELS real. And I'm SO FUCKING SCARED!
I HATE being like this. I FUCKING HATE IT! I am a GOOD PERSON and I don't deserve this. (Oh the self-pity!) ASSHOLE! And I WAS doing kinda okay! (Well, for ME I mean...)
You know, many years ago I went Cold Turkey to kick a serious habit. It was as bad as you might imagine but I got over it. It was a FUCKING BIRTHDAY PRESENT compared to this. And it seems to be getting WORSE as I get older! The episodes are less frequent BUT they are much more debilitating. Look, since I'm being honest. I DON'T have the guts to top myself. I WISH I DID! I would do ANYTHING to make this go away. And there is NOTHING I can do. Or that anyone else can do for that matter. You just have to suffer it and hope it passes quickly. (And a BIT of me wonders if maybe THIS time it ISN'T going to pass at all...) Scary.
It's ACTUALLY like being possessed by a demon. Because THIS is not me! These feelings aren't mine. I'm Stephen Fucking Flashman and there are people who LOVE me. But I can't even REMEMBER what feels like right now. So afraid.
I fucking hate this.
I'm sorry if I've bored or annoyed or upset you. I'll be fine.
Talking about it like this HELPS because it engages my mind and distracts me from the BAD stuff that's throwing a party in my brain right now! See, that was almost a joke!
I've spoken about this before but this is the first I've written about it WHILE in high panic mania. If I've FUCKED UP the Forum Mods have my permission, (which they don't need, you dickhead...) to remove this.
Wish me luck. See you later.
xx Steph
Oh, ONE last thing. With respect, don't anybody say it's BRAVE of you to say this. It isn't. It's the OPPOSITE of brave, trust me!
Just realized!
THE FUCKING ROLF HARRIS THREAD!
Ker-Ching!
You THINK you're over that stuff but you NEVER are!
So fuck YOU and your Digeeridoo you fucking Nonce.
xx Steph
Steph, there are a lot of really good, relatively new to market (<5 years old) medications to treat a variety of bi polar conditions--I don't know, not knowing you, whether you've been diagnosed with garden-variety bi polar syndrome, or if there are complicating disorders. Please, see your GP. Everyone (okay, most everyone) here cares for you. And your vampire story was excellent.
Want to spend some time wallowing in a Recommended Read? Pick one! Or two! Or seven!
You do have a lot of people pulling for you. People who know you, the real you.
The thing is while the tunnel may be at its darkest, you will eventually come back into the light. Know that.
Hey there stephanie,
I'm not quite sure if anything I'll say will make you feel better, but I just wanted to let you know that you have my moral support and I hope that things will get better for you soon.
One of my friends is Bipolar Type 1 (the most severe kind), so I can sympathize with what you're currently experiencing. As some others mentioned previously, having your medication in order can be of great help. I know it can be frustrating when some of these medications aren't helping and you have to go through a lot of trial and error to figure out what works for you, but they really can help you feel better once you find something that's effective. My friend finally found the right medication/dosage for him, and he hasn't had any manic episode since the last 7 years or so. There's also no shame to have by taking a medication that's meant to treat a condition that you were born with anyway.
And although not everyone suffers from Bipolar Disorder, everybody goes through a lot of shit at times. You're far from being alone in this, trust me; I've had my share of fucked-up moments myself. However you might be suffering at the moment, please don't feel guilty about any of this and know that your suffering is only a periodic byproduct of being human. All of our sufferings, conditions and negative experiences serve to make us unique anyway; we're all 'crazy' in our own unique way. The world would be a rather boring place if this wasn't the case.
Wishing that things get resolved for you soon enough.
Sincerely, SP
I SWEAR I am not making this up...
I am currently in St. Matthew's Ward of St. James' hospital, Dublin, awaiting a brain scan from a Consultant from St Patrick's hospital, (that's the looney one...) Dublin...
As several of you know, I am an avowed atheist...
One can't help but think that the joke this time may very well be on me.
ACTUAL DIALOGUE between me and my consultant:
Him: "At any point did you feel suicidal?"
Me: "Yes..."
Him: "But did you actually think of killing yourself? How might you have done that?"
Me: "I thought about plunging a knife into my heart..."
Him: "So why didn't you?"
Me: "Because I knew it would fucking hurt terribly..."
(It's so WEIRD being in hospital... I had to BUY pyjamas... I have NEVER been in hospital, (well, not since I was a baby) in my life. I've never had an operation, I've never even had STITCHES, I DID once break my back but I didn't realize it at the time so I didn't end up having to stay in a hospital...)
I'm amusing myself by writing stand-up stuff. Wanna hear a bit?
"I once roller-bladed to a shopping mall and left my skates in a disabled parking bay. The security guard said, "This space is only for people with a disability." I said, "I have a MENTAL disability, asshole..."
xx SF
I've battled depression all my life.
I attempted to kill myself for the first time when I was fourteen years old. I've attempted a few times since then. I've been admitted to the physic ward, both against my will and on my own. When I was fourteen I was diagnosed with bipolar and manic depressive, thrown on shit ton of medication, changing constantly to find the ones to suit me best. Aye, guess what? None really suited me. Ugh. I gave up trying and ended up back there. On and off throughout my life.
I can be extremely low, often, lasting for months at a time. I usually coast in an unstable numbness mostly, and rarely, I have spurts of crazed highs, where I feel unstoppable. Those usually don't last long, a few hours tops. Which usually lead to crashing and crashing fucking HARD. I sink into a deep self hate and nothing can pull me from it. I just need to grin and bear it, because that motherfucker rips through me life a ragged knife with no remorse.
Being bipolar, or any form of depression is no fucking JOKE!
