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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/5/2007
Posts: 1,034
Location: Here and now
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I've gone from temporarily thinking my relationship is over recently, to it all being fine again after clear the air talks. Before those, I was considering a divorce, it was depressing me so much. At what stage do you pull the plug in a relationship? When it's always like that, and never ending misery? [/ cheery post ] 
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Rank: Moderator
Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 4,285
Location: Victoria, Australia
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I think a relationship's over when you can no longer fix the problems with a clear-the-air talk.
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Rank: Advanced Wordsmith
Joined: 3/12/2008
Posts: 91
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I wouldn't pretend that dating relationships are really the same as marriages...but I can tell you that I knew it 'was over' when there was no hope that things would remain good or change permanently for the better when we resolved a dispute. When the hope is gone, so is the fuel to the passion fire, brother.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 2/26/2009
Posts: 1,195
Location: Pennsylvania, United States
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I would suppose it depends on the frequency of said clear-the-air talks. If they occur weekly, then they're really not clearing the air so to speak. Perhaps this is obvious or not, but in a relationship, it generally becomes "over" for one of you long before the other realizes it or is willing to admit it.
"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
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Rank: Matriarch
Joined: 12/6/2006
Posts: 22,402
Location: Sydney, Australia
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A rather startling statistic is that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
I'd try talking everything through as the first option, but before you even start talking, both write down what exactly you are unhappy about. Only then, start the dialogue. Be ruthlessly honest.
If that doesn't work, try counselling, as daunting as the prospect might be. If that doesn't work, get a good lawyer. People do grow apart, and there's no point staying together if it will ultimately make you both miserable. Life is short.
Best of luck Mr P!
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,085
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I'll tell you what did it for me, Plow, and I hope it helps you out, too. We did everything: counselling, talks, marathon bitch sessions, threats to leave, etc., etc. None of it worked.
I finally asked myself, "Would you be happier alone and single?" I reached the point where I said, "YES!" That was the pivotal moment for me.
Now we're happily separated, after she planned it out for us over a year ago.
So hang in there and believe in yourself. Don't worry about what anybody thinks about you.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/5/2007
Posts: 1,034
Location: Here and now
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Thanks for the replies.
We're over the worst of that one. Hopefully things continue to improve. The love is still there, that's the main thing.
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Rank: Lush Legend
Joined: 4/13/2008
Posts: 5,209
Location: Shoe Heaven
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I guess you pull the plug Plow when you know the love is gone and you really don't have the desire to fix anything anymore.... 
"Love all, trust a few, and do wrong to none."
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 11/9/2008
Posts: 312
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Or you can wait for her to cuff and bite you in an attempt to "talk" that would be a clear indication it was over for me.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 4/2/2009
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Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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Zafia wrote:I guess you pull the plug Plow when you know the love is gone and you really don't have the desire to fix anything anymore.... Z i can't believe it we agreed on 2 things in the same day. I guess your having a good affect on me and thank you.
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Rank: Rookie Scribe
Joined: 3/25/2009
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Location: Queensland
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 7/19/2008
Posts: 102
Location: Pacific Ocean
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I think its over when two people can no longer stand to be near eachother, when those little endearing things become annyoying and you can no longer (honestly) say you love the other person. Love, compramise, respect, and loyalty are the important things and if any of them is missing it might be a sign of the end (at least in my mind.) I wish the best to you Mr.Plow and Mrs. Plow!!! 
Apple
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Rank: Lurker
Joined: 11/30/2006
Posts: 327,085
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Being married when it is not going right is such a tough one for anybody. Glad you have smoothed things out Plow.
For me it was when I watched my ex husband with out first new baby and seeing him not wanting to be a part of a family and being a threesome after it just being me and him. I knew right there and then this was gonna be a huge crack. I was right; but I stuck it out for 7 years hoping it would get better. I wish you all the luck in the world Plow I really do.
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Rank: Constant Gardener
Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 9,517
Location: Cakeland, United States
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With a few exceptions, I've known it was over when the sex between us began to become routine to meh...and I realized that 'we' made better friends than we did lovers in all aspects. I've employed the Nicola Method almost always, and that is the way to approach things. Anyone who has been long term with me does not shy away from talking about issues (or anything)...if they do, I would never have become long term involved with her to begin with. Often it is best to cut your losses and break apart amicably. Failing that is where the really good attorney comes in handy or... just totally cutting off contact (if you're not married).
 The best thing you can do for your fellow,
next to rousing his conscience, is - not to give him things
to think about, but to wake things up that are in him...
to make him think things for himself - George MacDonald
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Rank: Detention Seeker
Joined: 8/17/2010
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Location: Over your Knee Screaming and Kicking!, United King
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Everyone has their up's and downs to make and anyone who tells you that they have never had a cross word I would say is a liar. We all say and do things in the heat of the moment and often have to fix the problem It's only when the problem cant be fixed anymore that a relationship is over.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
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if you are married and have kids..after you have exhausted EVERY bit..including therapy
if you are married and have no kids...consider this......
when you wake up every morning feeling sad and mad
and you look at the person with rage or sadness
and most of all if you have had an affair or would
when YOUR needs become more important than her happiness
that is when
BUT remember...the next realationship you may have will have the same problems unless you change or change how YOU deal with women
it takes TWO always to fail a marriage..no one is innocent of blame...
and yes it is the HARDEST..thing..you will do
but life is hard..and wonderful when you get through...this
hugs and good luck
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 10/5/2012
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For me, it was when I realized I hated when he came home.  It immediately put me in a terrible mood. That being said, we both got us to that point in the relationship. It wasn't all him or me. WE just didn't work anymore, and I didn't want to live that way anymore.
If you haven't, you should read this award-winning story. Fine, fine, I only won a potato, but I'm sure you won't be able to peel your eyes away from it.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/5/2013
Posts: 250
Location: NorCal, United States
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For me it's when I get to a point where I really can't stand being around her any longer. It feels like a chore and everything she says makes me frustrated. It's been awhile for me since this has happened, but I do recall that feeling quite clearly.
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set her free." -Michelangelo  Please Enjoy: The Beach, The Workout, The Hike
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Rank: Advanced Wordsmith
Joined: 11/7/2011
Posts: 58
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When he cums. LOL
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Rank: Story Verifier
Joined: 4/15/2011
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Location: Gainesville, United States
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The best advice I received was a marriage is always 60-40, meaning it always feels like you are giving more then the other. You just have to decide what hill you're willing to die on, because it's always easy to give up. That said, for me, I knew my marriage was over when my ex moved another woman into our house.
Who would have guessed that my little tale, the very First one I ever submitted to Lush would be read by so many? It shocks me a little to realize that it has now served over 20,000! Charge NurseThank you so very much to those who have read it!
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 4/17/2012
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Location: Wherever I lay my head, United Kingdom
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I can't speak about a marriage but as far as a relationship goes I tend to end things when we stop talking to each other.
If someone is hiding something or refusing to really sit down and hash any issues out there is only so long I can try to talk about it/make it better/handle it.
Clear, open communication is a really important part of a relationship for me and if that isn't there I find things tend to only go on a downward spiral.
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Rank: Penguin Wrangler
Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 1,550
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
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When one or both of you stops trying.
"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." - Dr. Seuss
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 1/31/2013
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mrplow wrote:I've gone from temporarily thinking my relationship is over recently, to it all being fine again after clear the air talks. Before those, I was considering a divorce, it was depressing me so much. At what stage do you pull the plug in a relationship? When it's always like that, and never ending misery? [/ cheery post ] communication is the key... a relationship is lost without it. keep talking everyday. express and ensure your parnter expresses everyday your needs and wants. i was there 3 years ago...the whole relationship is a really push me pull me.. its not fun. no communication. i was setting myself up for the move, taking our children who where about to become teens with me as i know he wouldn't cope with them alone where i would have put them first , lol i am a tigress about them, then i fell pregnant again... i am where i am to allow my baby to know his dad...i bite my tongue every day, as he walks off not wanting to open up and communicate. he lives with his head in the sand. I know that the good does not out way the loneliness and tiredness of the situation. but this is my choice. my toddler of 2 is extremely happy. i want him to be solid and confident within himself ...old fashion way of thinking maybe. but it is how i am processing my place in time and who i am. my escape is in my writing. i hope to share it with you all soon.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 7/15/2012
Posts: 1,998
Location: Snowboard Nation, United States
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It's over when you can no longer overcome the obstacles you once could in the past. Suddenly there's this click where you know "It's over." And you can either work on that or not. It's worth trying, but if you know it's over, then it's horribly sad to say, but it's over.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 11/14/2010
Posts: 530
Location: Massachusetts, United States
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nicola wrote:A rather startling statistic is that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Which means that 50% of marriages end in death DEATH!Between divorce or death, I know which I would prefer. Just saying.
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Rank: Active Ink Slinger
Joined: 5/16/2012
Posts: 21
Location: United States
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I have read most everybody's writing about this subject. I really cant dissagree with any of that which was written, particularly about when conflict continues unresoved, and if the hope is gone for improvement together.
I read great things and can think only of a memory where I got into the shower with the woman who was at the time, my tortured beloved,
We stepped into the shower as we would always do together, and it was absent, strange and perfunctory and I knew something was amiss, it was surreal: I felt that I had got into the shower with a different person that I got out of the shower with.
Outside the shower, silently toweling off, she seemed strange and alien all of a sudden, and I asked the fateful question and it was confirmed.
All part of life. It was a good thing we parted, but boy it was puerile showy kid stuff when we reastablished our boundaries and identities... I am not proud of my behavior...
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,017
Location: Canada
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I know this well but I won't bore everyone with the details (again) with my own experience regarding my marriage but will give you two pieces of advice that sealed my marital fate; (1) the realization that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work and (2) you need to ask yourself the question "If this is as good as it will EVER get, is it good enough?"- seems like a pretty simple question but if you think on it long enough, you'll come face to face with a mountain of feelngs and emotions that will ultimately make you realize what you're willing to live with and/or without. Good luck!
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 2/11/2013
Posts: 486
Location: Marina del Rey, United States
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As soon as you feel estrangement, it's over. Too many people try to fool themselves about the signs, thinking "I can fix this". You can't. When the thrill is gone, no matter what you do to "spice things back up" "be forgiven" or whatever. The dice is cast, admit it, break it gently, and go your separate ways.
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Rank: Forum Guru
Joined: 8/5/2010
Posts: 222
Location: London
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From my own experience,sometimes you dont have any clue,one minute she tells you she is so happy ,the next its finished.
I agree that if after much effort ,its not any better then its time to say goodbye.
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Rank: Alpha Blonde
Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 4,352
Location: In your dirty fantasies
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When I start having recurring fantasies about him being run over while crossing the street, then I know it's probably over. If the fantasy involves me being the driver of the car running him over, then for sure it's a slam dunk - time to break up. Or sometimes it's a little more subtle - like I stop enjoying sex and intimacy or find myself feeling indifferent about his presence in my life. If you're just going through the motions, there's no point.
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