Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer~

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community
College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done, 'the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me
you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all
of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and
leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes,
how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? 'Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson
from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase
cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to
make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno
peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The First Catholic Man tells his Friends, "My Son is a Priest. When He walks into a Room, everyone calls Him, "Father."





The Second Catholic Man chirps, "My Son is a Bishop. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, "Your Grace."

The Third Catholic Gent says, "My Son is a Cardinal. When He enters a Room, everyone bows their head and says, "Your Eminence."

The Fourth Catholic Man says very proudly, "My Son is the Pope. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, "Your Holiness."

Since the Lone Catholic Woman was sipping Her coffee in silence, the four Men give her a subtle, "Well....?".

She proudly replied, "I have a Daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24" WAIST and

36" HIPS.






When She walks into a Room, people say, "Oh My God."

A REDNECK FROM MISSISSIPPI DECIDES TO TRAVELACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIATO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETSTO FRANKLIN ,HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND AJOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT ANAPPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'SHIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'SA WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILEDOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKSTHE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S ABIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS. "THAT'SA LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT456 CLEAR
BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL'BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPSAGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW ANDSAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKEDOFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THEOFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVERTHERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THEFRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THEGROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DOYOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL'BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING ITIN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Imagine the following:
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together..

You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait.

The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky.

Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...

http://upload.lushstories.com/254-9-2-2011 8-22-35 PM.jpg

Wouldn't ya just DIE ?

And you thought the doves were going to shit, didn't you?

Donkey Story
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the heck did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs.”

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

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http://upload.lushstories.com/620-6-3-2011 9-35-57 PM.jpg

It happened so innocently. I was 23 and she was 36 divorced and a mother of two kids. We worked for the same small company, she was on the assembly line and I worked in the laboratory.   When I would look her way she would meet my eyes just a moment longer then would be normal. She would often find reasons to come into the lab looking for something. She’d always find a way...

Added 10 Feb 2010 | Category First Time | Votes 13 | Avg Score 4.23 | Views 9,157 | 3 Comments