Forum posts made by john11738

Topic Logic
Posted 07 Feb 2012 08:46

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer~

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community
College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done, 'the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me
you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all
of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and
leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes,
how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? 'Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'



Topic Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Posted 06 Feb 2012 17:58

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson
from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase
cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to
make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno
peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Topic Coffee in St. Peters Square,
Posted 20 Sep 2011 19:30

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The First Catholic Man tells his Friends, "My Son is a Priest. When He walks into a Room, everyone calls Him, "Father."





The Second Catholic Man chirps, "My Son is a Bishop. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, "Your Grace."

The Third Catholic Gent says, "My Son is a Cardinal. When He enters a Room, everyone bows their head and says, "Your Eminence."

The Fourth Catholic Man says very proudly, "My Son is the Pope. When He walks into a Room, people call Him, "Your Holiness."

Since the Lone Catholic Woman was sipping Her coffee in silence, the four Men give her a subtle, "Well....?".

She proudly replied, "I have a Daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24" WAIST and

36" HIPS.






When She walks into a Room, people say, "Oh My God."



Topic The Front of a Tree
Posted 20 Sep 2011 19:24

A REDNECK FROM MISSISSIPPI DECIDES TO TRAVELACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIATO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETSTO FRANKLIN ,HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND AJOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT ANAPPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'SHIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'SA WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILEDOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKSTHE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S ABIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS. "THAT'SA LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT456 CLEAR
BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL'BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPSAGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW ANDSAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKEDOFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THEOFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVERTHERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THEFRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THEGROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DOYOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL'BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING ITIN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Topic Doves at a Wedding
Posted 02 Sep 2011 17:25

Imagine the following:
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together..

You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait.

The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky.

Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...

http://upload.lushstories.com/254-9-2-2011 8-22-35 PM.jpg

Wouldn't ya just DIE ?

And you thought the doves were going to shit, didn't you?

Topic The farmer and the donkey
Posted 02 Sep 2011 17:18

Donkey Story
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you

Topic Mens Logic
Posted 01 Jul 2011 05:57

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the heck did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs.”

Topic Grandma & Grandpa
Posted 28 Jun 2011 18:09

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Topic Repairs - It's a guy thing
Posted 15 Jun 2011 13:58

http://upload.lushstories.com/814-Repairs.jpg

Topic The picture says it all.............
Posted 03 Jun 2011 18:38

http://upload.lushstories.com/620-6-3-2011 9-35-57 PM.jpg

Topic Mayonnaise Jar &Two Beers...
Posted 25 May 2011 17:50


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.


'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.


The same goes for life.


If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take your spouse out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Topic A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
Posted 25 May 2011 17:44

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.



Life is good in the South.

Topic Top This
Posted 25 May 2011 17:39

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
"On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."

Topic Half a Head of Lettuce.
Posted 20 May 2011 11:56

laughing3 laughing3 laughing3

Topic A glass of wine
Posted 18 May 2011 05:44

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always seen
with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli), bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poo
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

Topic Two Statues
Posted 11 May 2011 06:25

LOL

I wasn't expecting that

laughing3 laughing3

Topic Vibrator for men!!
Posted 11 May 2011 06:19

Looks like the control can double as an anal probe!!

A little WD40 and you're ready to go!

Topic I love John Cleese
Posted 11 May 2011 06:07

LMAO

No body does this quite like him!

Topic The Lone Rangers last Words
Posted 02 May 2011 18:09

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,


Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...

"BRING POSSE !!"

Topic Little Johnny
Posted 02 May 2011 18:02

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Topic Oldie but a goodie
Posted 14 Apr 2011 17:56

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'


After a brief pause,

Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
Right now..'


Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'


'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'


'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'


'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'



Long Pause


Longer Pause


Even Longer Pause


Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........


Is this 486-5731?'



No, I think you have the wrong number........


Topic Jumping On the Bed
Posted 12 Apr 2011 04:06


Ya Gotta love women~

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and
asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's
the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care,
I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have
the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Topic Afternoon Sex
Posted 12 Apr 2011 04:04



The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

- 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

- After a few moments he announced, The Coopers are screwing!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're screwing?'

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Topic The "Nancy and Harry Plan"
Posted 07 Apr 2011 17:17


Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana

With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of the best bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"


"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

Topic My Private Parts Died
Posted 07 Apr 2011 17:14

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


Topic MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
Posted 07 Apr 2011 17:12

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.




FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Most of this part is really true!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

Topic COSTCO Doctor
Posted 31 Mar 2011 15:08


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Topic Don't step on the Ducks
Posted 17 Mar 2011 09:01

OK thanks. I didn't know about the search.
I just got this in an email and LMAO

Topic Don't step on the Ducks
Posted 16 Mar 2011 14:57

Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here
in heaven:

Don't step on the
ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not
to step on a duck,
And although they try their
best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally
steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them
together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps
accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely
ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as
for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly
man, is very,
VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any
ducks,

But
One day St.Peter comes up to
her
With the most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes on
..... Very tall, long
eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to
deserve being
Chained to you for all of
eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.

Topic Golf Panties....
Posted 08 Mar 2011 05:00

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.