Forum posts made by sluttybitch

Topic World's Ugliest dog
Posted 26 Jun 2007 16:08

Enough to induce nightmares, that's for sure.

Topic 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.
Posted 26 Jun 2007 16:07

This is doing the email rounds - some are amusing coffee

Supposedly written by a woman laughing6

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all #@%*ing surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big #@%*ing deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty #@%* you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really #@%*ing you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

Topic World's Ugliest dog
Posted 23 Jun 2007 05:39

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8PUBUIO1&show_article=1&image=large

Good choice I'd say...

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/7020/d8pubuio1zx3.jpg

Topic Spelling Bee Champion
Posted 11 Jun 2007 16:36

I want someone to "touch my sex" bootyshake

Oh, in relation to the post, what a dork! clown

Topic Gay bomb
Posted 11 Jun 2007 16:35

I found this a little scary: http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_159222541.html



Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

Hank Plante
Reporting

(CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."

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Edward Hammond, of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, had used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copy of the proposal from the Air Force's Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.

As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."

The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon.

"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soliders to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another," Hammond said after reviwing the documents.

"The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soliders would become gay," explained Hammond.

The Pentagon told CBS 5 that the proposal was made by the Air Force in 1994.

"The Department of Defense is committed to identifying, researching and developing non-lethal weapons that will support our men and women in uniform," said a DOD spokesperson, who indicated that the "gay bomb" idea was quickly dismissed.

However, Hammond said the government records he obtained suggest the military gave the plan much stronger consideration than it has acknowledged.

"The truth of the matter is it would have never come to my attention if it was dismissed at the time it was proposed," he said. "In fact, the Pentagon has used it repeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promote non-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider."

Military officials insisted Friday to CBS 5 that they are not currently working on any such idea and that the past plan was abandoned.

Gay community leaders in California said Friday that they found the notion of a "gay bomb" both offensive and almost laughable at the same time.

"Throughout history we have had so many brave men and women who are gay and lesbian serving the military with distinction," said Geoff Kors of Equality California. "So, it's just offensive that they think by turning people gay that the other military would be incapable of doing their job. And its absurd because there's so much medical data that shows that sexual orientation is immutable and cannot be changed."

Topic Sexy Mormon
Posted 03 Jun 2007 02:25

Unlucky fellas....

http://img501.imageshack.us/img501/5416/mormonxv4.jpg

Topic Contented Pussy
Posted 22 Feb 2007 04:03

It's really the firefox logo icon_smile

http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/4725/firefoxcatek8.jpg

Topic Shaved Or Unshaved?
Posted 28 Jan 2007 13:55

lol - oopsie laughing8

Topic Oral
Posted 26 Jan 2007 23:02

http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/2373/teethxn0.gif

Topic 2.2bn richer - the YouTube founders explain why they sold
Posted 16 Jan 2007 14:42

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feUq0dWeZmw

Nice voiceover work laughing9

Topic Best of YouTube 2006
Posted 16 Jan 2007 14:40

That kid eating the spice is damn funny.

Topic Author News
Posted 14 Jan 2007 17:49

For those who like keeping up to date with best sellers, awards etc, here's a great site: http://www.iuniverse.com/community/author-news/news.htm

Topic 2006 Novels of the Year
Posted 14 Jan 2007 17:44

For those who love a good read: http://www.3ammagazine.com/buzzwordsblog/2006/12/3am-awards-2006.html read2

3:AM have two novels of the year this time round: Tom McCarthy's Remainder (which was already our Book of the Year 2005) continued its irresistible journey overground when it was republished by Alma Books in Britain. The first cult masterpiece of the 21st century is also coming out in the States courtesy of Vintage and will soon be turned into a film. Our second novel of the year was actually published in 2004, but a review copy only reached 3:AM Mansions a few months ago. Daniel Scott Buck's The Greatest Show on Earth takes society's obsession with pop psychology, celebrity culture and reality TV to its illogical, darkly farcical conclusion, offering us lethal satire of Swiftian proportions. Is Daniel Scott Buck the new Juvenal?

Topic Sir Paul McCartney - "through with women"
Posted 14 Jan 2007 17:38

Not surprised after being hit for another cool 50 Million from his divorce, poor chap is only left with 750 mill or so glasses8

The Sun has the scoop, low down dogs that they are:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007010726,00.html

TROUBLED Sir Paul McCartney has said he is “through with women” in the wake of his divorce fight.

He poured out his heart to pals while on holiday with daughter Beatrice

The former Beatle, 64, told them at his five-star resort in Jamaica: “I’m through with women. It’s been horrible.

“I’m just glad to be able to get away with Beatrice.

“She is the most important person in my life — she’s all I have.”

Sir Paul jetted to the Caribbean island after New Year following a new divorce demand of £50million by estranged wife Heather, 39.

The star took Beatrice, three, and two other family members with him.

He has rented a five-bedroom villa at a resort he used to visit with beloved first wife Linda, who died of cancer in 1998.

Macca told those close to him: “It's lovely to be back. It’s like being home again. It reminds me how happy we were together.”

But Sir Paul tried to put his emotions in the background as he went sailing on his own.

In spite of strong winds, he expertly manoeuvred the small craft. The star then pulled the boat up on the beach and cleaned it down before heading back to Beatrice.

Macca recently looked tired and drawn following the strain of his divorce battle.

But he was spotted smiling and chatting to holidaymakers in Jamaica.

An onlooker said: “He looks great. Just like his old self.”

Topic Author of 'Illuminatus' trilogy dies at 74.
Posted 14 Jan 2007 17:27

Or that's what they want you to think happened icon_biggrin

Wonderful author crybaby

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/obit_wilson

CAPITOLA, Calif. (AP) - Robert Anton Wilson, co-author of the cult classic "The Illuminatus! Trilogy," a science-fiction series about a secret global society, has died. He was 74.

Wilson died peacefully of natural causes at his home Thursday in Capitola in Santa Cruz County, his daughter Christina Pearson said Saturday.

Post-polio syndrome had severely weakened Wilson's legs, leading to a fall seven months ago that left him bedridden until his death, Pearson said.

Wilson wrote 35 books on subjects such as extrasensory perception, mental telepathy, metaphysics, paranormal experiences, conspiracy theory, sex, drugs and what he called quantum psychology.

He wrote the "Illuminatus" trilogy with his friend Robert Shea in the late 1960s, when they were both editors at Playboy.

The books "The Eye in the Pyramid," "The Golden Apple" and "Leviathan" were all published in 1975. They never hit the best-seller lists but have never gone out of print. Shea died in 1994.

"There are lots of drug references in the book," said Mark Frauenfelder, a co-editor of boingboing.net, a pop culture website that started as a print magazine in the 1980s and for which Wilson wrote many articles.

"In part because it dealt with conspiracies in a science-fiction way, the trilogy achieved a cult following among science-fiction readers, hippies, the psychedelic crowd," Frauenfelder said.

Inspired by a thick file of letters the authors received from conspiracy buffs, the trilogy traces the conflict between the Illuminati and the Discordians.

The Illuminati are elite authoritarians who pull the puppet strings of the world's political establishment, while seeking to become super-beings by sucking the souls from the masses. The Discordians resist through convoluted tactics that include a network of double agents.

After completing the trilogy, Wilson began writing non-fiction books.

Perhaps his most famous is "Cosmic Trigger" (Pocket Books, 1977), a bizarre autobiography in which, among many other tales, he describes episodes when he believed he had communicated with extraterrestrials while admitting he was experimenting with peyote and mescaline.

Wilson contended people should never rule out any possibility, including that lasagna might fly.

On Jan. 6, in his last post on his personal blog, he wrote: "I don't see how to take death seriously. I look forward without dogmatic optimism but without dread."

"I love you all and I deeply implore you to keep the lasagna flying."

Born in Brooklyn, N.Y., 1932, Wilson attended Brooklyn Polytechnical College and New York University. He worked as an engineering aide, a salesman and a copywriter and was an associate editor at Playboy from 1965 to 1971.

Topic Voodoo Penis
Posted 06 Jan 2007 18:00

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little
something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that
was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through
the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so
on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied
for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?"
he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very
old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic
images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking
dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn
deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted
over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The
whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so
that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door
split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and
lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but
finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine
while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the
wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people
who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis,
my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and
started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing
she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering
orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd
had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried,
she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled
her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much
she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't
had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this
Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop
screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo
Penis, my ass!"
The rest is history.