When Elaine woke the next morning, she was shocked. Her bed sheet was wound around one of her ankles and she was sprawled sideways across her bed, completely naked. She was laying in a wet patch the size of Kansas and she ached all over. She made herself a promise.
Never again would she challenge herself to ‘see how many times she could cum’. After four or five she’d lost count and could only estimate that it was the sixth or seventh that had knocked her into unconsciousness. Sitting up, she adjusted the pillows and got comfortable, glancing at her door. Thank God it was still locked. She’d strip the bed and organise her laundry soon. She was pleased about one thing. Although her grip was tenuous, she imagined it was getting easier to control the force of her orgasms. As long as she didn’t completely let go, then she might be okay. Which was almost impossible after five or six exhausting ones, she thought, smiling to herself. She still believed that Gary, or any man for that matter, would find her less desirable if she couldn’t control herself. After all, self-control is important, right? What if he tells me not to cum and I can’t do it? Maybe she had to practice, but she wasn’t sure if she’d have time. Gary had said what he could do in person was ‘a raging fire’ compared to online. She didn’t doubt it. Her skin flushed. Controlling herself wasn’t going to be easy. Her mind wandered as her imagination took over. The prospect of spending a weekend with Gary was incredibly exciting. And scary. But Elaine was thankful he had reassured her about how rough he’d be. At least she was confident that HE could remain in control. She decided she had to get moving if she was going to get her laundry done then spend some time studying today. And she had her journal to complete. Looking down, she was surprised to see she was lightly caressing a swollen nipple. I think I’m turning into a nympho. ************************** Water dripped from Elaine’s hair and trickled down her body unnoticed. After stepping out of the shower, she briefly dried herself before being distracted by her reflection. In less than a moment, she was deep in thought. I’m going to HAVE to let go. I hope it’s okay. I’m not going to be able to control myself. Not for every moment. I am going to need direction. He’ll take care of me. He said he would. I should warn him. It’s too embarrassing. I’m going to be naked before him. God. That’s embarrassing enough just by itself. I hope he doesn’t hate me. Maybe he’ll think I’m too weird. Or too out of control. Or too uptight. God, I have to let go. I have to let him do what he wants. He has my checklist. He said he was planning ahead. He knows what I THINK I want. And he has his own ideas. He promised he wouldn’t be rough. He could probably be a little rough. As... as long as he starts gently. As long as he’s conscious of my needs. As long as he’s in control of the tempo and doesn’t rush me. I don’t know... I just don’t know how much I can take... how much I can handle. God. I need a safe word... and I need a promise from him to honour it... I need... I need... Elaine’s eyes sprang open when she realised what she was doing. Seeing herself in the mirror sucking on her juicy fingers was a bit of a shock. Pins and needles ran rampant across her skin, raising goose flesh and puckering her nipples into a throbbing mess. “Jesus,” she whispered. She wanted to wipe her hand. Without thinking, she picked up the towel she’d placed on the floor. Her toys fell from it and rolled across the tiles and she almost laughed out loud. Quickly drying her fingers, she gathered her toys together and set about washing them. Look at you. Cleaning your sex toys. You’re turning into a slut. Sex isn’t everything you know. She shook her head. That’s mom talking. She’d be REAL pleased with her little girl right about now. Elaine could feel the heat rising in her cheeks just as she could feel her pussy, hot and throbbing. I’m past pleasing my parents for its own sake. I’m past pleasing ANYONE for that. I want to be pleasing because it makes ME feel good. She glanced in the mirror again as she dried the last toy. She wrapped them up in the spare towel then finished drying herself with the other one. It’ll work out. Gary will take care of me. I trust him. I just have to remember that. ************************** It was almost lunchtime. Elaine had been folding her clothes after washing and drying them and putting aside her ironing. Fortunately there was little to iron this week and she was going to do it that afternoon. She decided to do her journal, but first she wanted to check her email in case Gary had written to her. Of course she also checked if he was online, but he wasn’t. He had written to her though. In his note he asked her to answer a question she’d asked herself that very morning, almost like he’d read her mind. Again. ‘I want you to think about what it is you ‘need’?’ he’d asked. ‘Then write and let me know.’ Immediately she remembered reading a paper about ‘the care and feeding of a submissive’ almost a week earlier. It was on Castlerealm and she navigated her way right to it, sighing with relief. Reading the article a second time was like a wake up call. The very first heading was ‘I need to be accepted for who I am’. It took Elaine almost two hours to type out her answer to Gary’s question. Most of the first half hour was spent staring at the screen. In her own mind she was trying to justify her need for self-control, while the words in the article haunted her. Tossing ideas back and forth, eventually she came to a somewhat surprising conclusion. ‘My need for self-control is the result of a fear of non-acceptance.’ Being accepted ‘as she was’ would greatly reduce her concern. The words began to flow as she wrote about her need to be allowed to be who she was. She hoped Gary was the kind of guy who could handle her insecurities. She then wrote about her need to feel safe in his company, and her need to learn. Not only from her mistakes, but from his example. She swallowed as she imagined lying over his lap to be spanked. Her hands shook as she admitted to feeling a strong need to be guided, and if necessary, punished. She didn’t want to be punished. But she felt she needed to know that he would punish her, if he felt it were necessary. She also felt a strong need to be forgiven for her errors once corrected. She didn’t need snide comments or to be reminded of things she’d done wrong when she’d learnt the lesson. Elaine thought it would insult her intelligence, but she didn’t write that. She knew Gary was smart enough to understand her meaning. To finish with, she talked about her need for consistency in his treatment of her, and of course, her need for honesty and open lines of communication. Elaine was concerned that parts of what she had written may have sounded plagiarised, so she added the address of the article she had read before clicking ‘send’. All afternoon questions bounced around inside Elaine’s head. She’d never really given much thought to what she ‘needed’. In the past she had figured that when she found someone who could provide it, she’d know what it was. Despite regularly checking her mail, she hadn’t had a reply from Gary. She didn’t like the feeling of being tied to the computer, but as he was yet to share his phone number, she had no other way of contacting him. Realising she wouldn’t have called anyway just made the idea of waiting by the computer all the more silly. She was just finishing her ironing when she remembered Gary had asked her to begin her journal. In the cold light of day, a blank page of Word felt like a bottomless pit. At least once she got started, it wasn’t too bad. She Googled ‘BDSM’ and ‘journal’ and found a few good examples. It didn’t take too long to note what had happened over the previous twenty-four hours, but it took much longer to write out how she felt about it all. She hoped he’d be pleased with her efforts. By that time she’d spent most of the day on ‘herself’ and not studied at all. But when her roommates had asked her to go with them to the Rat, she decided to accept. She’d been postponing going out with them a lot lately and thought maybe a dance or two and a few drinks would be fun. They’d insisted the band was ‘awesome’ and it wouldn’t be too crowded. Besides, she’d done her chores and was determined not to sit in front of the computer all day. They’d lied through their teeth of course. Not about the band. They were great. Unfortunately every student on campus seemed to know it and had also turned up. People hardly had room to move and the dance floor was crazy but Elaine had such a good time. She’d only had three drinks, but she relaxed and enjoyed the atmosphere. She’d even laughed off the couple of gropes she’d had to endure. The girls were heading to Spotlight, again, but Elaine had insisted she couldn’t go. She had a full day of classes coming up and couldn’t afford to miss any. Not only that, but she couldn’t justify going out when she had a bunch of assignments due in the next few weeks. Besides, she had bigger fish to fry. Despite the girls’ protests, she’d walked back to the apartment alone as the sun was going down. Stumbling up the staircase outside their apartment caused Elaine to giggle a couple of times. She’d never been great with alcohol. Because of her state, she’d easily talked herself out of studying, instead promising herself she’d catch up during the week. If she were going to spend the weekend at Gary’s, she’d have to look at her schedule and find out what was due and when. She was confident she could do it. So confident in fact, that instead of coffee, she poured herself half a glass of wine before getting changed and settling in front of the computer. She decided to read her mail before logging onto messenger. Gary had responded. He said he was very pleased with her considered reply to his question about her needs. He was glad she had researched the topic and her answers had provided him with food for thought. He also said he liked her journal and was glad she enjoyed their meeting the previous day as much as he had. He added that they would talk further when she arrived on messenger. Taking a deep breath, she logged in. Gary was ‘there’, but his computer was set to ‘away’. Elaine sighed as she waited impatiently. The butterflies had already started and her heart was pounding. She licked her lips and swallowed. Why do I always get like this? After only a few minutes, the away setting disappeared and “Hello, Elaine” popped up on her screen. “Hello, Gary,” she typed, sending a smile. Relief flooded her veins. She was hot already. “It’s nice to see you.” He sent a smile back. “You too.” Elaine wanted to send a blushing face, but she stopped herself. She crossed her legs and it felt delicious. “The horses are all fed. No more distractions.” Elaine bit her lip. “I should warn you that I’ve had a couple of drinks, Sir. I went out to the college bar this afternoon with my roommates.” “Thank you for telling me. I’ll keep it in mind.” “Thank you.” “Did you have fun?” “The band was good. It was very crowded and noisy though. Being surrounded by hordes of college students doing their best to get plastered before seven P.M. isn’t exactly my scene.” “What is ‘your scene’?” Elaine blinked. “I don’t know.” “What do you mean?” “I mean I haven’t really found much of a ‘scene’ that suits me. I’ve always felt kind of different and a bit isolated in college. My best friends are still the ones I had in high school. My phone bill is horrendous.” “Can you explain what you mean when you say you’ve ‘always felt kind of different’?” He sent a smile. Elaine was glad for the smile. She thought about his question for a moment then typed, “I just meant that I don’t see myself as a hunter of men or a gatherer of experiences like most other girls. I’ve always justified my inertia by convincing myself that I’m waiting for the right guy to come along. But I know it’s not really that. God, I can’t even ask a guy a question without blushing. Even if other girls haven’t got it right, they seem to be getting on in life and aren’t suffering some kind of handicap because of the way they see things. Then again, I feel like I ‘have it right’, and yet I’m the one who is socially inept. I feel awkward around men. Inexperienced. Maybe even a bit naïve.” Elaine took a breath. “I’m blabbering aren’t I?” “You are fascinating.” “Why?” Elaine was glad she could slip in a question and take the spotlight off herself. “I think because you are bursting with potential.” He sent a smile. “But like you said, you’ve constrained yourself. Are you afraid of being hurt?” “Emotionally?” “Yes.” She took another deep breath. “I’m afraid of being rejected.” “You are beautiful, Elaine. Anyone who rejected you would have rocks in their head.” “It’s only skin deep.” “I wasn’t referring to your good looks. You are intelligent, sensitive and kind. You are a very sweet girl.” She swallowed and recrossed her legs, sending tingles through her loins. “Thank you.” “You’ve told me before that you’re not on medication and you rarely do drugs. And while I haven’t seen you naked, I doubt there’s anything wrong with your body.” He sent a wink.
