“All right, all right. Settle down and take your seats. Yes, that includes you with the green mini in the back row…

“Thank you.

“Now, welcome to Spanking 101. My name is Mr. Nathan and before we get started, I’d like to get a few things straight…

“I will be speaking from my own perspective. In other words, I’ll say ‘he spanks her’ rather than vice versa. Forgive me this minor sin and make whatever necessary adjustments you need in order to fit your situation. I am not going to be making ridiculous, inclusive, roundabout descriptions to cater to political correctness. Get over it.

“Also, hitting is assault. Everyone knows not to ‘hit’ others. There is no question of this. Not to mention the likelihood of being ‘hit back’. Therefore, before you consider hitting someone who may not wish to be hit, it may be a good idea to consider how well you might adapt to being someone’s bitch in jail.

“Okay. Do I have everyone’s attention? Good.

“Now… Is it assault if there is no ‘hitting’ in the sense of punching of any kind, or indeed any force that is usually intended for an ‘enemy’ or of the type intended to cause hurt, harm, or to maim, or cause injury? What if the ‘level’ of force is brought down. Down, down, down. Not a punch at someone. Not a chop or a clout or a thump or a kick. Not even a clip around the ears.

“Down to a ‘slap’.

“Yes, yes, yes. One could always argue that a slap is assault.

“But what if, for argument’s sake, the ‘slap’ is a consensual slap.

“In other words, one that is deemed to be an appropriate response to a particular behaviour.

“By BOTH parties.

“What I am talking about here is a real, dyed-in-the-wool, consensual punishment. One that is expected. One that is known and agreed to and ‘right’ according to the protagonists…

“Let’s make those assumptions…

“That slap would need to be of a particular force that, in the first place, was ‘controlled’. It could not be delivered in the heat of the moment. No, no, no, no. Not at all. Things done ‘in the heat of the moment’, should, by definition, be ‘hot’. Therefore, we would also NOT be talking about some kind of ad hoc, ‘Oh I just felt like it’ kind of punishment. That is covered next year in Spanking 201, but if you are unsure of this definition, please take a look at Ms. Dysaght’s third year class, ‘Spontaneous Dominance and Submission 301’ where this subject is discussed ‘in depth’.”

“Now, getting back to this ‘slap’ as punishment…

“It would need to be in proportion to the sin. Perhaps one hard slap would be enough. But it would need to be delivered accurately, both in placement and in force.

“Now, before you go off and spank someone, it might also be a good idea to consider something else.

“How hard is too hard? Or, how hard is hard enough? Should the dose be repeated? How many times? Perhaps two. Or five. Or maybe ten. Or twenty. Is twenty ‘medium’ the same as ten ‘hard’? How does one choose?

“How does one decide whether ‘the punishment fits the crime’?

“Easy.

“One asks.

“Yep. That’s right.

“‘Baby, you really shouldn’t be cheeky in front of our friends when I ask you a simple question.’

“Big sigh, eyes sparkling. ‘Sorry, Sir. I won’t do it again, EVER.’

“Chuckling. ‘Well, I think that deserves a punishment, don’t you?’

“‘Oh, I suppose so,’ she says, grinning like a Cheshire cat. ‘If you think so…’

“‘Get your ass over here. Is ten enough? Or does my naughty girl need twenty tonight?’

“Etc. Etc.

“It should be said that such situations are much easier when you have a compliant submissive who, for some strange but delightful reason, actually likes getting spanked.

“But of course, one doesn’t need to be ‘a Dominant’ to deliver a spanking. And one doesn’t need to be ‘a Submissive’ to receive one.

“Or to like it.

“And that’s because ‘a spanking isn’t always delivered as a punishment’.

“And that is today’s topic.

“I can hear you now… ‘Huh? What? But… But…’

“It’s true!

“Admittedly I am only halfway through my most recent research paper, but I can let you in on the preliminary results… On anecdotal evidence, which is yet to be statistically verified, 90% of spankings are for pleasure.

“In fact, lifestyle spankings are rarely of a force that would qualify as a punishment in the first place.

“If we are going to go back in history, we encounter quite brutal corporal punishment, meted out for the most miserly of reasons. Making a face at your Master back in Rome; forgetting the grapes for the big banquet for all those Greek or Persian heroes; not pulling your weight halfway up a pyramid… The list goes on.

“Scourging or ‘whipping the back off someone with a knotted cat-o-nine-tails’, was a favourite in my own country up until a little over a century ago.

“More recently, I remember being caned across my palm in high school.

“My God! That hurt. The funny thing was, the second time I kind of just watched the Deputy Headmaster hang that thing up high and whip it down. Oh, it still hurt, all right. It was just… Oh, I don’t know, kind of fascinating. The way I looked at him drove him crazy. He even rolled up his sleeves. They were whacks to remember, and definitely not delivered in a controlled manner…

“I went back on a few occasions, just to check on his technique. That was what I told my mates. I wasn’t kidding, but for some reason they thought I was pretty tough. I just wanted to try it on my little sister. She’d broken my bike. Okay, so I was a little crazy in my teens…

“Ah… How times have changed. We’re much more civilised now.

“Within the Safe, Sane and Consensual’ Lifestyle’ if you will, spankings are only supposed to hurt if they are meant to hurt. The point being, it is agreed to, then administered with control, and within reason the two protagonists simply move on.

“It’s normal.

“Besides being a normal way of dealing with a problem, a punishment cleans a slate. Guilt is purged. Not unlike confession in the Catholic Church. Confess the sin. Receive the punishment. Sin is cleansed. They’ve been onto it for centuries. And it works a treat.

“On a side matter, this doesn’t address ‘The Sin of the Dom’. Let’s not forget that Doms make mistakes too. It’s just that the consequences are usually less… physical. If you are in any way ambiguous about this thought, next year please enrol in Mr. Adams class, Switching 201.

“However, again we come back to this problem of how hard, how many, and how now brown cow…

“Yes, exactly. It’s pretty hard to imagine. It’s not like you can spank yourself and gauge how hard someone else should be spanked based on the evidence of how much it hurts your own ass… Or hand…

“Or maybe you can.

“I certainly couldn’t, which is not to say that I tried, but that it actually, um, didn’t occur to me…

“But then again, I didn’t go into it feet first itching to spank the living daylights out of some poor sweet girl’s upturned butt.

Well, except for my sister… Which of course I never did, being the forgiving soul I was, er, am.

“I just accidentally ran over her bike with my first car.

“Yes, I have a long memory…

“However, I digress. That is not the subject of today’s lecture.

“Today we are talking about the ideal beginning for a spanking relationship. Let’s assume vanilla protagonists, of three types: unwilling, undecided, and willing. Just for today, we will call these categories: Hard Limit, Soft Limit, and Hubba Hubba.

“Now, how do you figure out which type your partner is when you’ve never actually discussed it?

“Well for starters, if the subject did come up and was considered offensive or a memory one would rather forget, then it could comfortably be considered a ‘Hard Limit’ for either party…

“Duh…

“However, if the subject never came up, it might be considered a ‘Soft Limit’.

“And, if the subject came up in playful terms, then you could have a ‘Hubba Hubba’ on your hands.

“So how do you make sure?

“Well, never get ahead of yourself.

“Find out if your partner/lover/significant other ACTUALLY WANTS A SPANKING.

“Try teasing her about it when she’s cheeky.

“‘You must be angling for a spanking.’

“‘Oh, you think you’re man enough?”

“You’re in like Flynn, dude!

“On the other hand, if you try, ‘Damn, baby. In that skirt, you look good enough to spank.’

“And she replies, ‘Really? I think it makes me look fat. Don’t you?’

“…Then it might be time to kiss that fantasy goodbye.

“Okay, okay. Quiet up the back. Not you again. Nose against the back wall. Hold that green mini up around your hips.

“Eyes back here, please. The rest of you… Yes… Thank you.

“Now, you’ve actually convinced her you’re man enough by not whinging when she has second thoughts and instead you miraculously remember that this ISN’T a punishment.

“Well done.

“This is a bit of fun! Sex fun! Woohoo! Convince her you have no intention of hurting her and you just want to give her a few soft smacks. Make sure you have time. Put aside at least thirty minutes. Do NOT tell her you are going to spank her for thirty minutes.

“Not a good plan.

“Now, it’s time to go out on a limb.

“‘I love that ass of yours baby. I just want to see if I like spanking it as much as I do in my dreams.’

“‘Oh, Dexter. Really? Well, I guess it’ll be all right… Will you promise to stop or go softer if I ask?’

“You sit on the corner of the bed, or the chair in the living room, or the bouncy ball in the rumpus room, in your jimjams, whatever floats your boat, and tell her to lose the Betty Boop t-shirt and crawl over your knees…

“Okay, guys. It’s time to bend down the hard-on. You can surprise her with that, about halfway through. Keep your knees together unless she likes surprises.

“Visualise now. Close your eyes. She’s over your lap, your legs are together. Her head is hanging down. Remember blood can rush to the head. Particularly if she is unfit or unwell. If she puts one or both hands on the ground it may help her to feel comfortable. If you are sitting on the end of a bed, if you turn a bit sideways, you can position her so the rest of her body is close to the same level as her hips.

“Make sure her weight is evenly distributed over your lap. Don’t rush. Fix any problems. Change chairs if necessary.

“If you are uncomfortable, chances are, so is she.

“In the future, or if you are feeling adventurous, you may wish to restrain her in some way. To begin with, the most comfortable way is to reach across her back with your non-spanking hand to hold her ‘far’ wrist. This may also stabilise her body.

“Start slowly and softly. Move in a circular pattern, never smacking the exact same place twice in a row. Plan to spank over the panties. Reassure her. Show her you meant it when you said you promised to be gentle. Be accurate and watch what you are doing. Smack the meaty part of the ass only. Avoid getting too close to the edges. Avoid going too high to her lower back or too low on her thighs. And for God’s sake, on that very first spanking, avoid the more ‘sensitive’ parts.

“To begin with, keep it to one every twenty seconds or so.

“In between each smack, augment with lots of soft butt caresses, even occasional dips between the legs. Don’t be impatient. Don’t expect her to get hot. You are doing this for the fun of it. However, don’t forget to act surprised if after five or so smacks she actually begins heating up.

“‘Oh, so you like this, do you?’ works a charm. But don’t let her answer.

“Smack.

“‘Ooooo.’

“‘Too hard?’

“‘Um… Oh…’

“‘Maybe too soft…’

“‘No… Um… That was… That was okay…’

“Caress. Caress.

“‘Mmmmm… Gosh…’

“Smack.

“‘Oohhh…’

“Okay, you’ve been going for five or ten minutes and now you can put the smacks a little closer together in time. Maybe ten seconds apart. Tell her before you change rhythm. Keep them light. DON’T RUSH. For the first spanking, it is better ‘by far’ to underdo it, rather than to overdo it.

“If you like it half as much as I do, it’s easy to get carried away. Ask how she’s doing. Often. About every five smacks, max. Be inventive with your verbals. Ask her if she wants more. Ask her if it’s hard enough or too hard. Give compliments. Tell her how much fun you are having. Tell her you are excited. Open your legs if she needs convincing.

“Alternating cheeks is a good idea. And after five or so minutes you can play around with the intensity A LITTLE. Soft and a little bit harder can be nice.

“But!

“And this is a big ‘but’!”

“Keep to a simple rhythm. Caress, caress, caress, smack. Caress, caress, caress, smack.

“Avoid random. And avoid a ‘change-up’ in timing without warning.

“She WANTS to know when it’s coming. And she WANTS to know how hard, within reason. Surprising her doesn’t work.

“It’s NOT fun.

“We are talking first time here. Listen. Learn. Watch. Be patient. Take your cues from her. Don’t ‘lead’. Don’t pull her knickers down without asking. If she says okay, then ask her to say please. Works a charm too.

“With practice, it will be a combination of rhythm and timing that will help you to become a great spanker. And music! God, NEVER underestimate the power of a driving beat. The ups and downs of something like Painkiller by Freestylers/Pendulum just about maps out where to slow down and speed up, where to go gentle and where to increase intensity. Tell her you are going to follow the music. Follow up with Blue Monday by New Order and she might decide she likes your taste in music, as well as your talented hands!

“Good luck and remember to love the one you are with. Aftercare for that first gentle spanking includes lots of continued caressing and typical loving words such as, ‘Oh, my God, that was amazing’, and ‘We’ve gotta do this more often’, and ‘Christ, I’m hotter than a firecracker, lets fuck.’

“Okay, there’s the bell. There’ll be a quiz on Friday, and on Monday it’s prac, so pair up over the weekend and we’ll check out your technique then. Don’t forget your paddles next Wednesday, as Miss Green Mini has kindly volunteered to be our first ‘Spankee for a Day’.

“Dismissed!”