The rest of the weekend we had spent mainly cuddled on the couch alternating between movies, Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo, and Avatar the Last Airbender. Dan was kind enough to prepare lunch for me. I was hesitant to go much further that weekend.

We would continue with the oral play, but I held back. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but more I didn’t really know how to go about asking for what I wanted. I would overanalyze this for weeks before finally committing to make my move. Eventually.

Dan and I lived in a town that has been written about enough times already that I won’t be able to come close to the descriptions that other authors have already covered. We’ll just say the town is Derry Maine, complete with the Paul Bunyan statue, The author’s house itself, and Mount Hope Cemetery. It’s the quietest little big city you could ask for. Just enough activity to always leave you wanting to do something more.

A few weeks had passed and the build-up was starting to hurt. I would have to relieve myself nightly thinking about the forbidden things I wanted to do. So far, I knew I was bi but hadn’t given in to my desires up until this point. Everything was new. My only experience so far had been with my ex.

Ugh, my ex. We were just out of our relationship again. I didn’t like thinking about her, but she would find her way into nearly every waking thought or dream I had. Even when I was with Dan, I still would think of her and feel guilty. With every kiss, I would remember how she tasted, and I would start to feel that familiar self-hatred rise that had been ever-present in my life for as far back as I could remember. This self-hatred walked hand in hand with my depression and anxiety.

I looked over at Dan who was now engrossed in the game he was playing.

“Hey, I wanted to ask you a question.”

“You know, you don’t need my permission, ask away,” He replied.

“Well… My dad lives about twenty-five minutes away. You know that Sleepytown?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, I usually head up to his house every summer off and on for a few weeks. I was planning on going up this Friday for ten days and I was hoping you would come with me?”

I waited patiently for his answer. I could tell he had already decided as soon as I said it. However. he loved to torture me.

“That sounds like it could be a really good time. I’d love to go. What about your dad though?”

“Oh… well, I’m not really ‘out’ with anyone. Except for you of course. So, I was hoping. I mean I know it’s stupid to ask but… Could you just...?”

“Pretend to be straight. Got it. I don’t mind. I get it. We’ll just be ‘best friends’ this weekend and I’ll cool it with the. Stuff.”

“Well I mean,” and I muttered quietly, “your eyeliner is kind of cute.”

“Hey, don’t be gay now,” he winked and gently punched my shoulder.

I had packed to leave for my Dad’s house. Dan was permitted to stay the night, as my dad would be coming through early in the morning when he got out of work. My grandparents had set up a cot for Dan that we didn’t use at all. I liked sleeping with him. He was warm and listening to his heartbeat would give me the sleep that insomnia had robbed me of.

We drove the twenty-five minutes from Derry to Sleepytown. We passed by Dysart’s and the trash mountain; my father would always try to fight the stench by turning off the AC. It didn’t help. We pulled off at the exit and drove through the town. The small shopping center was off to the left, and a car dealership that made no sense for a town this small was on the right. The town had two stoplights, and only one of them was turned on. Most people ignored it because there were also only two police officers that worked for the town, the sheriff’s department providing additional assistance when needed.

We pulled into the driveway and picked out bags out of the trunk. I brought Dan upstairs to the bedroom we would be sharing. In the guest room, they had a queen-sized bed and a full-sized bed across from each other. We looked at each other and smiled knowing that the full-sized, much like the cot, would go unused.

I felt free. Liberated. For the first time, I was allowing myself to explore a side of me that I had always suppressed. I was happier than I had felt in a long time. I grabbed Dan from behind pulling him into a hug. I was slightly taller than he was and leaned down to kiss his neck. He just let out a low soft breath that made me pull him tighter.

After taking way too much time ‘unpacking’ we headed downstairs. I told my dad I was going to give Dan a tour around the town as an excuse to just get out of the house and be alone together. Almost no one goes out of the house in Sleepytown unless they absolutely must. You may see cars at the Cianbro facility, or in the grocery store, or a rare car may drive by, but other than people who MUST be out it is a ghost town. The town seemed to have this perpetual thick layer of white clouds above even during the summer so that it really gave the effect that there was some sort of enchantment over this place and time would behave funkily. Ten days would feel like an entire summer.

We walked to the train tracks, following them away from the main street and to a pathway off to the side of the tracks. Following this led to a bridge where we paused to hold hands and just talk. Here I looked down because I was embarrassed about what I wanted to talk about.

“I… I’ve wanted to talk about something for a while, but you know how I am and I just…” My face was already red, and I felt like I was going to just explode. Dan squeezed my hand tightly.

“It’s okay, take your time.”

“I wanted to ask you for sex!” I quickly blurted out. I didn’t know how to ask or what to say. This was all new territory and I was figuring everything out all over again.

Dan just looked at me and laughed.

“Come here, dummy,” he said as he leaned over to me.

I kissed him on the bridge, pushing my tongue into his mouth and exploring every corner of it.

My Dad would be leaving for work the next night, not to return for a few days, and my stepmother worked overnights every night. They both slept all day when they were home because of the strain of their long hours, and it seemed nothing could wake them.

We walked around the rest of the town and I showed you the library, the train car that the historical society was repairing, the theater that was a movie theater that showed movies on a stage theater with a projector. A theater on a theater. We walked around for hours returning to the house that night.

My family gathered around everyone smoking, playing card games for pennies, and talking about everything. Often there would be three conversations going and you would be the participant in two of them at the same time. Dan decided to test the limits, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of Marlboro’s.

“Dan,” I whisper-yelled, hoping he would get the message. I don’t know why I worried, my sister had smoked since she was fifteen and no one said shit to her. Although she also ruled the house with an iron fist because crazy bitch gone do what a crazy bitch gone do.

Dan lit the cigarette anyways, his smoke joining the mist of everyone else’s. No one even batted an eyelash to this, my anxiety getting the better of me thinking there would be yelling or lectures on smoking. Having strong religious convictions pressed upon you from the time you are two can leave you with the pressure that Catholics can often relate to. This added to your standard anxiety just made me squirm at almost everything.

The night passed and my dad left for work. The house was dead, and Dan and I were alone. We both had our feet up on the kitchen table, watching re-runs of family guy on TBS. We looked over at each other and I knew this was the time. I walked over to him and grabbed his hand, gently but urgently walking him to our bedroom.

I locked the door behind us and turned around to see Dan was already laying out across the bed with his arms over his head. I walked over and crawled on top, pushing his arms over his head and forcing a kiss on him. He feigned fighting back as I began to hold his arms with one hand, the other reaching into his pants, feeling his stiff hot cock growing. I jerked him off at this odd angle with my hands in his pants, holding him up while I kissed away at his neck.

He finally got the strength and ‘broke free’ from my grasp, pulling my shirt off my in such a quick move that for a moment I thought he had just ripped it. I smiled and reciprocated, tearing his shirt off him like he was an Indy 500 driver and he was on fire and I was going to save him.

I leaned back onto my butt and started to grind against him slowly. I looked at him and he knew where I wanted to take this, but he knew how shy I was, so he just went along wordlessly giving me whatever I wanted.

He reached his hands to my pants and undid my button with one hand while simultaneously pulling down my zipper with the other. He was amazing at this. He gently tugged, pulling my shorts down to just below my hairline. He ran his hand palm down up my belly and to my chest resting it there, with one hand tucking into my lowered pants and just pulling me in tune to my grinding.

I reached down and undid his pants as well. I lifted myself up enough to get my pants up. I was trying to make it look good but ended up looking like Bambi trying to walk on the ice. He suppressed a giggle, but I knew he was suppressing it. I ignored it, eventually being successful in removing my pants. He yanked his pants off while I straddled him, kicking them off with his feet once they were by his knees. He did this with a speed that I still could not believe. It was like he was the Harry Houdini of fucking and clothing escape was his specialty.

We were now down to our boxers, our erections pressing through our shorts and rubbing against each other as we kept grinding. I placed my hand on his and he placed his hand on me and slowly jerked it off through his boxers. He guided me to stand on my knees, lowering his body through my legs and pulling my boxers down, fitting my cock into his mouth as he sucked on it slowly, building heat in his mouth that surrounded me like fire.

He looked up at me and let my cock just slowly fall out of his mouth, a small amount of saliva still attached to the head like something you only ever see in porn and you know they had to film like a hundred takes to get it just right. I shuddered at this; the eye contact he was giving me had been irresistible. I repositioned myself so that our hips were aligned again, and he leaned up to kiss me.

“I never noticed your eyes had two different colors before. They’re so beautiful.”

I blushed. I was self-conscious about this, but in my eyes, there were these big splotches of amber set in contrast against the steel blue.

“Thanks,” I nearly whispered back.

I placed my hand on his chest and started grinding against him. I have had sex before but not like this. This was all new, but I knew I wanted it. I didn’t know how to ask so I just started grinding up a little higher. Finally, I could feel his cock rubbing between my ass cheeks through our boxers. He understood what it was that I couldn’t ask for.

He leaned up and kissed my neck, kissing down to my chest. He reached out and grabbed my hand putting it on his boxers, placing his hand on mine. I leaned over so that we were laying sideways and we pulled them down together, now naked in front of each other. He leaned over, grabbing at my wrists this time and placing them firmly against the headboard. HE kept kissing as I kept getting redder. His hips started positioning themselves, and I lifted my lower back in kind.

The head of his cock was now rubbing against me. It felt like all sound had vanished except for our breathing, and my heart which was now pounding in my head. It beat steady but with a hard tempo that threatened heart failure. It pressed and I let out a soft gasp. Slowly it worked itself in, taking time and being as gentle as I had hoped he would.

I had fingered myself in the shower before and had been able to locate the prostate, so I was familiar with the concept, but this was way different than a finger. The size of his cock felt impossible. It was like a magician pulling out a long string from his coat sleeve, when would it end??

Finally, he had gotten all the way in and paused, allowing me to adjust. I relaxed as much as I could. The next thing I noticed after the fact that everything felt so much bigger was that I could feel the difference in heat between the parts of our body that were connected. I could feel his heartbeat grow faster and faster and was thinking about how he must be feeling my love heat in the same way. He could say the word and his wish would be my command.

Once I had adjusted, I looked at Dan and gave a little head bobbing nod. He started to pull out and push back in gently. I could feel it rubbing dangerously close to my prostate. This was a feeling so much better than what I had ever felt in my shower experiments.

I started to breathe heavily, not playing it up in any way or putting on a show, but genuinely in the moment and attuned to his body. He reached down and grabbed me, stroking in time to the gently bucking of his hips. Dan would lean in and kiss me everywhere that he could reach, and I leaned up, grabbing the back of his head and just held it to my chest as I breathed heavily into his ear.

I could feel a subtle change to his rhythm and understood what this change was. He was starting to push deeper and harder now, but at a slightly slower pace. With a few more deep thrusts he hit my prostate like a freight train, and I was pushed over the edge, my insides spasming uncontrollably and my cock emptying over my stomach. This made Dan push even harder, and with one last push, he started to cum.

I had no frame of reference for this feeling. It was like a warm liquid filling me, but it was more than that. It felt white-hot in my insides, and I felt like the warmth was taking over my whole body and making it glow. I let out little gasps with each splash of cum that shot its way into me.

Dan kissed me deeply before pulling out, grabbing a towel and cleaning me up.

I couldn’t stop blushing and smiling after that. Everywhere we walked I felt like I had big dick energy, that I was the king of the world and that doors everywhere would just open for me at my command.

The entire ten days was like this, we would have sex on every occasion. The sneaking around made the tension that I felt around my family fun for once. I had this dirty secret that we shared, and I would think over and over about how the second they were away we would jump in bed like animals. I felt my depression melting away and I wasn’t pretending to smile anymore, I was smiling from the heart.

It was day eight that fucked everything up.

It was 2 AM when I woke up with a jolt, as if a gunshot had gone off in my head with a loud ‘bang’ and I was completely awake. I reached over instinctively to my phone and as I touched it, it vibrated. I looked at it and I felt a pit inside my stomach.

Sarah: Hey….

I stared at the text. Everything with Dan felt amazing right now and I was happy. But I felt this urge, this draw to speak with her. I wanted her to be in my life in any way possible. I got out of bed and put on some clothes, doing my belt as Dan stirred.

“Where are you going,” he said sleepily.

“I just have to go out for a walk. You know how I get sometimes. I just… I just need to be alone.” I lied. The lie felt like a weight that was growing, and I knew each lie was going to make it worse. He was my best friend and I didn’t want to lie to him. He knew all about the situation with her.

But.

Now we had done this. We had made this deep physical and spiritual connection and to go from that to texting my ex just felt like a slap in the face, even if he did understand. Lying felt like the lesser of two evils.

I made my way down the train tracks, across the trail, and to the bridge. I sat down and let my feet dangle safely above the water.

I typed back.

Charlie: Hey…

Sarah: I hope I didn’t wake you. I was hoping we could talk a little. I really miss you.

Every word was met with anticipation, but every word cut like a knife too.

Charlie: I miss you too.

Sarah: I don’t know what happened. We just keep drifting away from each other. It’s like we’re the same magnet and no matter how hard we try we just keep pushing away for no good reason.

I didn’t want to argue.

Charlie: I feel the same way. I don’t know what to say, I just don’t want to keep doing this same thing over and over.

Sarah: Could we maybe try one more time?

My heart skipped a beat. Thoughts of Dan rushed to my head, but this was SARAH. This was a girl I had been in love with since middle school and here I was now after all this time and there was a chance to get back together.

Charlie: I don’t think that’s a good idea. I just don’t want to keep hurting you.

Really, I didn’t want to keep getting hurt. Most of it really was my fault. I wouldn’t find out until much later why I had such a hard time communicating my emotions to people.

Sarah: Well could we at least talk? I miss my best friend…

Charlie: You can always talk to me. I miss my best friend too…

We exchanged a few more texts, each one making me feel guiltier than the next. I returned to the house an hour and a half later and slipped my clothes off slipping into bed with Dan.

The next morning, he could tell I was a little off. He didn’t want to press me, knowing sometimes when my mood would rear its ugly head I would just shut down and was hard to get to talk.

We spent the last day mostly in bed. My dad nearly caught us, but I rolled off Dan and onto the floor doing pushups as he walked in.

“Oh, sorry, boys. Just wanted to make sure you were ready to go soon. “

We gathered our things and made the way back to Derry.

Over the next month, we would meet up almost every night and do anything we could to each other. I couldn’t tell which of us was more insatiable he or I. During this same time, I kept sending those guilty texts, emails, and the rare phone call late into the night.

Summer was ending soon. It was now mid-August, and I was about to make a terrible mistake. A series of terrible mistakes really.

Sarah texted me again.

Sarah: Hey.

Charlie: Hey, what’s up?

Sarah: I was hoping you would maybe meet me by the standpipe overlooking the town. I haven’t seen you all summer and texting is nice but I MISS you. I want to talk to you in person.

Charlie: I’ll be there tonight before sunset.

Sarah: I’ll see you then!

I sat at the bench and looked at the lights. You could see the bridges over the river leading to the sister city of Derry. The town looked so beautiful from here. Sarah approached from a distance. My heart started beating faster as I saw her in the distance.

Here she was now, face to face with me.

“Hey,” we said in unison. We were walking clichés.

She gave me this rib breaking hug and I hugged her back. Her hair was slightly wet still from the shower, but it retained that smell that intoxicated me from the time I was first forming attractions.

We sat down at the bench and talked about everything that we had missed, with me omitting some key information. I still hadn’t told Sarah that I was bi. She probably knew, but I still felt this internal struggle about it and didn’t want this further complication.

We talked until one in the morning well past when the park was supposed to be closed. I stood up ready to make my way home and she stood as well. I stared into those rich emerald eyes that I so adored and she stared back at my weird mixed color eyes and the magnetic pull wasn’t the same this time. It was pulling us in closer, and I don’t know who kissed who, but it didn’t matter because I leaned in and kept going.

We sat back down on the bench, kissing for another fifteen minutes. We left with this ambiguity hanging over us. Was it only a kiss? It was only a kiss. Was it only a kiss? Were we now going to get back together? What about Dan?

Dan.

Oh shit. Oh, shit oh shit oh shit. What the hell did I just do? We had spent the entire summer together. We hadn’t explicitly said it, but it was clear we were dating. We went everywhere together, and I summed up the courage to hold your hand in movie theaters, and out of town adventures to the local fort.

I walked back to my house feeling like the worst piece of shit in the world. I kept playing over in my head what had happened. I felt so guilty, but at the same time, I felt so happy that maybe, just maybe, the relationship between Sarah and I would work out finally and I could get that happy ending that I pictured. This happiness made me feel guiltier about Dan. I had fucked up so bad.

I got home and texted Dan.

Charlie: Hey Dan. I don’t know if you’re awake or not I just wanted to let you know I’m so happy we’ve spent the summer together.

Such a dirtbag.

He must have been sleeping and didn’t text back. I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling until the sun arose. It was now Sunday and time for church. I pulled on my dirty jeans and a T-shirt and sat in the car. We got some coffee at Dunkin Donuts and I made my way to my seat in the back. Another excellent sermon talking about all the worst sinners. The smokers, the drinkers, the drug users, the fags. All the fun people essentially.

Hypocritically, no mention was made of the overweight, the lazy, the uncharitable, the ones who scoff at the homeless and roll their eyes. The hatred that some of them had in their hearts was starting to make me sick. This was love?

Back at home for the afternoon, I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling again. I was wearing a sleeveless shirt and some loose workout shorts. I reached my hand into the band of my shorts and gently felt the outline of my dick. My mind kept alternating between Dan and Sarah and I started to get a guilty erection. I started stroking while thinking about Dan entering me for the first time, or how his cum had tasted. I thought about Sarah and the amazing shape of her. Her soft outline, and tender skin. How it felt the first time I ever entered her.

I came onto my hand, pulling it from my shorts and staring at it. A tear ran down the corner of my eye and I rolled over to clean up with some tissues.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I awoke, having slept past church that night. There was a light tap on my window. I opened the curtains and there was Sarah.

I opened the window and whispered, “what the hell are you doing here?”

“School’s starting soon, and I miss you. Help me up.”

She reached a hand up and I pulled her into my room. Her foot landed and made a slight noise. I was up at all kinds of strange hours and was sure this wouldn’t attract attention, but I locked my door anyway just to be safe.

“What are you doing??”

“I told you. I miss you. I want to be with you, and we’ve been talking back and forth, and things just seem so nice right now.”

I stared back, your eyes working their magic.

“I guess I should ask, do you… do you want me back?”

I walked over and kissed her. That was my answer. Of course, I wanted her. I would always want her. She was my first ever love and after a thousand years, I would still want her.

She kissed back, throwing her arms around my neck and jumping up wrapping her legs around my waist. I held her here for a minute furiously kissing her. Her tongue flicked into my mouth and I went into hers and we began to explore each other. I gently dropped her onto the bed and crawled between her legs, grinding against her.

We started peeling clothes off layer after layer until we were completely naked, throwing the blankets over us. At this point I was senseless, having no thought other than primal desire. My cock stiffened, and she was already wet. Our bodies were telling us we certainly did miss one another. I entered her effortlessly, her tight body ready to receive me.

We worked up a hard, fast pace to start, slowing down with our breathing until we were rocking at an incredibly slow pace. It was like Fry after his hundredth cup of coffee and time was going still. We stared into each other’s eyes as she started to cum with little gasps, this triggering my own orgasm, causing me to pump a load of cum deep into her. She was on birth control, and I was young and reckless.

She slept with me until 4, sneaking back to her house before anyone noticed she had been out all night. I woke up and ran to the bathroom, my stomach now getting the worse of me. I had to confront what I had done.

I took my bike to Dan’s house. No cars in the driveway which was a good sign. I knocked on the door and he opened it.

“Oh, hey Charlie!” I had allowed him to start calling me Charlie. An affectation that I only tolerated from family and Sarah.

“Hey Daniel,” I used his long name when I was trying to be cute.

I walked and hugged him, tears already fighting their way to my eyes.

“Just… just shut up okay. Just whatever happens just shut up, okay. Promise me!”

Dan just nodded back as I kissed him, tears starting to flow now.

He pushed back, wanting to ask me what was wrong, but I pushed in kissing him harder.

“You promised, just shut up!”

I pushed my way to his bedroom, throwing him onto his bed. I pulled at his belt, ripping it from its loops as I undid his button and zipper. I pulled his pants down and pulled his cock from his boxers.

“Please, Charlie…”

I looked up at him, wiping my tears away.

“Please Daniel… please just let me do this. Just please stop talking”

He stopped and looked at me sadly. I had been manic before, but this was different and he knew something was wrong.

I was on my knees, and inched a little closer, reaching my hand out and grabbing the base of his cock. I leaned up and over his legs, placing the tip of his cock in my mouth. I closed my eyes, unable to bear his gaze. I sucked on his cock as slowly as I could, making my way from the base to the bottom of the head and back down again once maybe every forty-five seconds. He wasn’t exactly in the mood with all my crying either, so he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

There was a heaviness in the air. It was dead silent; Dan had suppressed his breathing as much as possible. I was on my knees sucking his cock as slowly and diligently as I could. We stayed there, his cock working in and out for nearly an hour. Finally, his breath started to rise slightly as he was unable to stay quiet any longer. He placed his hand on top of my thick curly hair as I pushed his cock to the back of my throat and held it there. I felt his cock tense and after a few moments, I could feel his hot cum hitting the back of my throat.

He pulled out and I looked down, swallowing his cum.

“I… I did it this time…”

“Charlie, please tell me what’s wrong you’re scaring me. I want to help you just let me in!”

I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his stomach, burying my head there. He leaned back onto his bed and pulled me up, allowing me to rest there against him, my face buried so he couldn’t see my shame.

“I cheated… I’m so sorry… It… it was Sarah. I never ever want to hurt you, and I know it was wrong, but you know… With her it’s… Jesus, I’m so sorry please forgive me.”

He was silent through it. I wasn’t really looking for answers, I was sobbing and just in hysterics. He gently petted my hair and rubbed my back and reassured me. I fell asleep there and woke up early in the morning. I snuck out like a coward and made my way back to my house.

Summer was now over. Things had started out hard, and just as I thought they were getting better, life hit me in the gut. It wasn’t life’s fault it was my bad decisions. I would do anything I could to make myself hurt.

What came next was one of the worst periods of my life.