I should have known there was something off about the advert. Volunteers wanted for a research facility not far from where I live, something about orgone energy research and a generous payout to compensate people for their time. Sure my friend Paul had already mentioned some shady goings-on there, but this was a guy who thought that conspiracy forums were a reliable source of information so I could ignore anything he said. It had been ages since I’d been able to afford a holiday and this sounded like a good way to have a few laughs and get paid for it. And just answering the ad didn’t commit me to anything, right?
The message I received back assured me that the privacy of both staff and volunteers was paramount. There was a short questionnaire, a non-disclosure agreement to sign and a medical form confirming I did not have any serious health issues; and then an appointment was sent to me along with a code which I was to save on my phone and present to the scanners when I arrived at the venue. My curiosity was well and truly piqued by now and backing out was no longer an option.
The building was some kind of futuristic design I’d never seen before, at odds with the rural location a couple of miles out of town. I wondered why I’d never heard of it before. It was a circular building that could almost have looked like a giant spaceship, except that that would have been ridiculous.
I presented my phone to the camera at reception as per my instructions and the door opened. There didn’t seem to be any kind of public reception area but there were signposts to direct me to room 33, the room I had been told to report to. I followed the stairs down to the basement and along a short corridor, and once again presented my phone to the scanner outside room 33. I entered and heard a click as the door locked again behind me.
I found I was in a small changing room with a shower cubicle.
“Welcome,” a male electronic voice intoned from some concealed speakers. “Thank you for agreeing to participate in our research project. Your clothes and all personal belongings will be stored securely in this changing room while you undergo our tests. A bathrobe has been provided for your comfort. No personal items can be taken into the test area.”
I understood from this that I needed to undress, and only now did it occur to me that I’d signed up for a research project into orgone energy without having asked any questions. But curiosity has always been my undoing; and thinking about the money, I removed everything and reached for the bathrobe that hung on a hook in front of me. I found what looked like a bleeper device in one of the pockets.
“You must keep the alarm in your hand throughout the testing process,” the electronic voice informed me. “If you press the red button at any time the tests will stop immediately. Please speak to indicate you understand.”
I had heard of safewords before but this was ridiculous. I almost laughed.
“Please speak to indicate you understand,” the voice repeated.
“I understand.”
“Please go through the door in front of you into the test area.”
The test area turned out to be a windowless room containing a gynaecological chair, with some kind of scanning equipment suspended from the ceiling above it. In spite of the futuristic feel of the building itself, the chair seemed to be controlled by a relatively simple system of hydraulics comprising several metallic tubes underneath. This struck me as incongruous but it was so far from being the strangest thing about this appointment that I didn’t give it much thought. There was no-one else in sight but the lighting was dim so I couldn’t be sure.
“Remove your robe and seat yourself on the chair,” the voice instructed me. “Remember to keep the alarm in your hand at all times.”
I was starting to feel nervous now but I obeyed. I tried to ignore the faint humming sound in the room. Whatever material the gynaecological chair was made of it was more comfortable than I expected, and I allowed myself to relax with my arms and legs in the rests indicated, as the scanners above me started clicking and beeping.
For the next thirty minutes or so all the scanners did was move along the ceiling, beeping occasionally. It felt slightly intrusive that they were doing what seemed like a detailed scan of my naked body but there was no physical contact. I decided I might as well close my eyes and think about my next holiday while they got on with it. At least there were no more instructions from that creepy electronic voice to worry about.