As the water cascaded over me, I let him flow down the drain. When I could no longer hold my breath, I lowered my face and breathed feeling a little better. I washed and rinsed my hair and body before shutting off the water.
I dried my hair a bit and then wrapped the towel around my hair before drying my body. When I stood from drying my legs, I caught my reflection in the mirror and was shocked. The skin around my eyes was so dark and sunken I looked like I had aged ten years over night. The stress over Jeremy had already taken a toll; I was almost in tears as I looked at my face. I shook my head, sniffled, and walked back to my room.
“You get no more tears from me,” I said aloud.
I set my autopilot and began getting ready with my mind void of all thought. As I made my way to the kitchen, I tried to put on a neutral face in hopes that my mother would not ask what was wrong.
“Morning, dear,” my mother said.
“Morning, I’m running a little behind so I’m just going to grab a granola bar,” I said trying not to face her.
I managed to keep my eyes from hers so she would not see how stressed they looked and ask me. If she asked, I would probably tell her everything and either be in big trouble or she would do something embarrassing like call the school or his parents. I had something close to a plan, but nothing I was sure of, and I definitely did not want her help.
I heard Jeremy pull in, said good-bye to my mother, and was out the door before he closed his door. I wanted to get this over with and start to feel better. I let him get my door and as I sat down, I was nervous. The biggest part of my plan was telling Jeremy that I wanted some distance for a bit.
The tension was pressing as we drove to our usual spot and I was starting to get scared. I had several ideas about his reaction and only a few were good. He stopped the car and I took a deep breath.
“I want some space until I figure out what this thing with Nicki is,” I said quickly.
Jeremy sighed and looked down at his lap. He said nothing for a few minutes and I was wondering what he was thinking. I touched his leg and he slowly turned to me.
“She’s crazy, and I’m afraid that you will believe her. If you do then I will lose you,” he said with a shaky voice.
I sighed then said, “If she does then you will, but I want to hear what she has to say. I have to hear her side or I will always wonder. I wish you had been honest with me about her.”
I looked out the window and everything began to blur. I was going to cry.
Jeremy turned my face to his, and I saw his tears begin to fall. I wanted him to hold me, but I would just be lost in him and not think straight so I just sat back away from him.
We sat in silence until it was time to leave. When we arrived at the school he opened my door for me and offered his hand, I took it and he did not let go. I was not planning on holding his hand, but it did make me feel a bit better. The day passed slowly and we were civil. I do not think anyone could tell that we were having an issue.
When I got home, I grabbed a snack, went to my room, and called Nicki. I did not know what to expect or what I was going to say to her, but I had to hear her version.
“Hello,” a soft voice said.
“Hi this is Anna,” I said back as calmly as I could. “Jeremy gave me your number.”
“So you’re the one trying to steal my boyfriend,” she said angrily.
I guess I would be angry too, but I wanted to have a rational conversation.
“I didn’t know about you until last weekend and he told me it was a summer fling. I’m sorry that I didn’t know,” I said quickly defending myself.
She sighed, “I shouldn’t be blaming you. I’m sorry, but I’m just so pissed.”
“I understand, and I want to hear your side,” I said, feeling a little better about how this might go.
“Okay, well Jeremy and I have known each other since diapers. Our parents are friends. We’ve been going to camp since we were seven, started dating when we were fourteen, and started having sex just after I turned sixteen. It’s been two years of exclusive dating and I thought all was good until your e-mail,” she said rapidly as if she had been rehearsing it all day.
I took a deep breath and said, “That’s a bit different then he told me the other night.”
“What did he tell you about me?” she asked, and I could hear her concern.
I told her what Jeremy had told me about her ‘boyfriend’ pressuring her, their spontaneous sex, that she was the aggressor and that she was fantasizing their relationship. It took her a moment to speak, and I was beginning to think that she had hung up when I finally heard her breathing.
“Nicki?” I said wondering if she was going to speak.
“Sorry, but I’m more pissed now,” she said, and I could hear her teeth were clenched. “I can’t believe he said that. I’ve had only one boyfriend, and he did pressure me a little, but I didn’t mind. He always said he would ‘Wait until I was ready.’”
I gasped hearing her quote exactly what he said to me to make me feel better about not giving in. My heart raced, and all I could hear for a second was the beat.
“He said that to me last weekend,” I said slowly and quietly.
Neither of us spoke for a time. I thought about what it meant that he used the same statement and if that was enough for me to know that she was telling the truth, but it could be that he said that to her and they were not dating. I did not know what to believe.
“I can send you pics of my formal last year and some of a retreat we went to two summers ago if you want?” she finally said breaking our silence.
“What are your plans for Jeremy?” I asked not wanting to get in the way if she was going to forgive him.
“I don’t know. What are yours?” she asked and I could almost hear her concern.
“I don’t know either, but I do know that you have been with him longer, and I will back off if you stay with him,” I said feeling a weight off my shoulders.
“That is very polite of you,” she said before sighing. “I wanted to hate you for trying to steal him, but I just can’t hate you.”
“Thank you, and I know how you feel,” I said with a slight smile.
“He told me that when you pursued him he wanted to know where it would lead, but when you gave it up so quickly to him he had doubts about you. He said he felt bad about taking your virginity and now you were stalking him,” she told me and lit my fire again.
“Wow, um, yes I did sort of pursue him, but I’m still a virgin, and I did not give in to him,” I said shocked and angry.
“I know that now, and I’m sorry that I called you names even if you never heard them.”
“With what he told you I’m not surprised,” I said letting my smile return again. “He lied to both of us.”
“Speak of the devil,” she said. “He’s calling me. Can I call you back either tonight or after school tomorrow?”
“Sure and I’ll bet we both get a call from him,” I said convinced he would be calling me later.
“Oh I’m sure he will,” said back with the same conviction. “I’ll talk to you later, Anna.”
“Bye,” I said as she hung up.
I laid back on my bed and looked up at my ceiling. I wondered what to do and how to do it. How had this gone so screwy? Why did it feel like my heart was torn? Just as the tears began to fall my phone rang, I looked at the id and it was not who I expected.
“Hello,” I said with the tears on my voice and a sniffle.
“Are you okay sweetheart?” Jeff asked.
“No,” I said quickly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
I shook my head and brushed the tears from my eyes. I did not want to talk on the phone or online or leave my room, I just wanted to lay there and wither away.
“Anna?” I heard him say.
“No I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about and I don’t want to hear about him,” I said annoyed, angry, and depressed.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m so sorry you are hurt and I’m not there,” he said trying to console me.
I sniffled and sat up. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I let it out slowly. It is not like me to be mean to someone that wants to help me.
“I’m sorry, Jeff,” I said as I opened my eyes. “I’m sorry about getting angry with you when you are the only one that has been there to hear me complain.”
“I haven’t heard you complain,” he said and I could hear him smiling.
I smiled back and said, “Ok, well not complain, but gripe about my hesitation and answering my questions about what to do.”
“So, will you tell me what happened?” he asked.
I told him everything from the conversation that morning to the call with Nicki. He silently listened as I let it all flow out in one long story.
“You’ve had one tough day,” he said when I finally took a breath and stopped talking. “No wonder you are stressed.”
As he said stressed I looked in my mirror and said, “You have no idea how stressed.”
I told him about the dark circles under my eyes as I stood and leaned into the mirror poking at the dark patches. I sighed hoping they would go away.
“They will pass and so will the pain,” he said as I heard the sound of another call.
When I checked to see whom it was I sighed. It was Jeremy. I told Jeff and said I would call him back. He told me to follow my heart and that he would wait to hear what happened. I hung up with him and called Jeremy back.
“Hi,” Jeremy said sounding nervous and scared.
I smiled and said, “Hi, sorry I didn’t pick-up before, but I was talking with a friend.”
“Oh, did they tell you to break up with me?” Jeremy asked sounding more depressed.
“No, but they did tell me to follow my heart and I plan on doing just that,” I said sharply. “Did you get an earful from Nicki?”
I heard him sigh then take a deep breath. I listened to him breath for a few minutes and was just about to ask him again when he began to speak.
“I just got off the phone with her before I called you. When you didn’t answer, I figured it was over. She told me what you said and what she said. I don’t know where to start or what to say,” he told me quickly.
“Tell me what you want, but I believe her. The decisive factor for me was when she quoted something you said to her and it was exactly what you said to me and that she has pics of the two of you going to her formal. What I don’t understand is why you are doing this, why did you pick me, and was I just going to be another notch on your belt?” I said getting it all off my chest in one breath.
As I caught my breath, I felt better for one standing up for myself and two for asking what I had been thinking about since I first read Nicki’s e-mail. In the minute it took for him to answer, I felt the confidence to tell him off grow inside me.
“I know you believe her and she believes you too. She still wants to stay together, but told me that I had to choose,” Jeremy sniffled. “I needed to hear what you believed and how you felt before I call Nicki. If those are your questions then I know I have lost you,” he said with his voice cracking. “I never meant to like you, and I didn’t plan it this way. I ‘picked you,’ as you said, because you are a great person, Anna,” he said with his voice becoming more strained as I could hear him holding back tears. “I would never consider you a notch on belt, but I can see how you might see it that way.”
I had not expected him to answer all the questions, but since he did, I felt I needed to respond. I took a deep breath and told him how I felt.
“So you and Nicki have been dating for several years?” I asked needing to hear him say it.
“Yes,” he said.
“Then I don’t… won’t see you anymore. I won’t help you cheat on her,” I said hearing Jeremy sigh at the last part.
“I understand, but I would still like to be friends,” he said.
“In time maybe, but right now I need space from you,” I said confidently.
He asked if I wanted a ride to school in the morning and I told him I would walk. He asked that I call him if I changed my mind. I agreed and we soon hung up.
I let out a long sigh, closed my eyes, and felt partially better. My heart ached, but I felt I did the right thing. As I reprogrammed my alarm, I remembered that I needed to call Jeff.
I dialed him up and stepped out of my sliding door and into the cool spring air. I took a deep breath as he answered.
“Hi Jeff,” I said excitedly.
“You sound better than I expected,” he said surprised.
“I feel better,” I said inhaling deeply.
“So, what happened with Jeremy?” he asked.
I told him about the conversation and how confident it made me feel. He said he was glad I felt confident, but sorry that I had to go through that situation. When he said he was sorry he was right about Jeremy, I laughed and told him I should have listened to him more.
Jeff changed the subject to telling me about himself. I learned that he worked from home as an internet tech, what that was I had no idea. He told me he loved his wife, at one time, but now she barely talked to him and he mostly lived in the basement. When I asked what happened he did not have an answer, but did tell me that he was convinced she was cheating. I felt bad for him. He reminded me that he would be in town at the end of the week and I said I would think about meeting him. We talked until my mother poked her head in and told me to get off the phone and get to bed. I think she assumed I was talking to Jeremy and I let her.
“I have to go,” I said with a sigh. “If I wasn’t so tired I’d go to bed and call you back, but I’d fall asleep on the phone.
“I know ways to keep you awake,” he whispered.
I shuddered feeling his voice in my hips. I wanted to talk about playing with each other, but I felt exhausted.
“I know, but if I get sleep tonight then I will have more energy tomorrow,” I said wanting not only to be less tired, but also I wanted to find out what I should be asking him when we played.
“Alright, sweetheart, you win. Sleep well,” he said with a sigh.
“Good night, Jeff,” I said and listened for him to drop the call.
When I heard nothing on the other end, I sighed and got ready for bed. After dreaming about the shadow man the other night, I wanted to see him again. As I curled up under my covers, I thought about him and willed him to return.
I listened to my alarm for a minute before shutting it off. I slipped out of bed and wondered if I would ever dream of my shadow man again as he was a no show.
He was the only thing on my mind as I readied for school. When I headed to the door, my mother asked where Jeremy was and I told her that he was having car problems and I would be walking for a few days. Luckily, she bought it and did not ask anything else. On the way to school thought about Jeremy, Jeff and the shadow man. Turning sixteen had brought me not only my first boyfriend, but also two other men to deal with. I laughed thinking about making my shadow man real.
The next few days flew by with school and talking to Jeff at night. I told him all the ways Jeremy had been trying to see me or just be near me. As the week started to end it was getting on my nerves and Jeff seemed to have solutions for me. We teased each other each time we talked and I told him about the shadow man. He asked me who I thought he was and I told him my theory. The only night we had a stressful talk was when he reminded me he would be in town.
“I want to know what you look like, but you never tell me. If I swear to be on my knees and beg will you tell me,” I asked as sweetly as I could muster.
“You know it just so happens I will be there tomorrow and if you want I can pick you up from school and you can see for yourself. How does that sound to you?” he said.
“Scary, but… yes,” I said trying to sound confident.
“Really, um… that was not what I expected,” he stammered.